A/N: You may need a hanky or two with this since I cried while writing it.
Chapter 7 the Truth Comes Out
The Conference Room
Dr. Elizabeth Weir sat at the head of the conference room table. She had just sat down after pouring herself another cup of coffee. She had a feeling that she was going to need it. On her right side sat John's team, Carson Beckett, and General Jack O'Neill. Dr. Kate Heightmeyer was also present at the request of both Dr. Weir and Dr. Beckett. On her left side sat the X-Men. Three seats remained empty and they were to be filled by the missing members of this strange gathering.
At five minutes until ten, the doors opened once more to allow in the last three missing members. Rodney and Logan each sat with their teams and left the middle chair open for John.
As John looked around the room, he tried to remain calm. "Why do I feel like I'm at the Spanish Inquisition?"
Rodney and Logan glanced at each other. Then with similar smiles on their faces said in unison, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Everybody in the room was silent for a moment and then they all started laughing. This seemed to break the tension that was in the room.
John just shook his head at his two friends. They were both a little nuts at times, but he wouldn't have it any other way. While everyone was laughing, John surveyed the room. The one person he hadn't expected to see was Kate Heightmeyer. He wondered who had asked her to sit in on this little session: Elizabeth or Carson. Either way, it was bound to end up in sessions with her. He took another calming breath and finally looked at Elizabeth.
As the laughter subsided, Elizabeth cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should get started." She looked at the reason for the meeting and said, "John, we need for you to tell us what happened twenty-six years ago. Take as long as you need but remember that we are here to listen and not judge you in any way."
"I know that Elizabeth, but it's still hard. It's personal to the point of painful."
Storm leaned forward and said, "Eagle, you know us and can trust us to keep your personal past as private as can be. We just want to help you deal with it and be able to come to us if you have a need. We're there for you to lean on. You don't always have to be the strong one. Sometimes leaning on others help make you a stronger person in the end."
"I understand that Storm, I really do. I have kept this to myself for so long, it's just hard to talk about." John looked down at his hands and tried to center himself.
"Here goes. It was my twelfth birthday. Usually it was just mom and me since my dad was always getting shipped off somewhere by the Marine Corp. When I was in first grade, the school tested me and moved me up a grade. Then it happened again when I got to fifth grade. The school decided to move me up another grade after I tested at a sixth grade level. I was a freshman in high school since August and it was now December. Dad was stationed out of Quantico in D. C. and mom and I lived in California since that is where she was from. Mom had family around in case something would happen to dad." So far just telling the background didn't hurt, but John knew it was coming and part of him was already having problems dealing with what he was going to say.
"Anyway, the week before my birthday I took the MENSA test. They said they would let us know how we did so I figured that I blew it. On the morning of my birthday, mom said she had a surprise for me. I couldn't figure out what it could be but for some reason I was more excited about it than I had been for all my other gifts over the years.
John paused and took a couple of deep breaths. Everyone seemed to know that what was coming was going to be difficult for John to get through. They all waited patiently for John to continue. Ten minutes later, John seemed to have gathered his thoughts for the next part of his story and said, "Mom told me to get in the car as we had to drive for my surprise. We talked about how school was going. I told her that during my sophomore year that I would like to try out for quarterback of the junior football team at school. She was a little worried about me getting hurt but she would support me if I made it. We talked about the MENSA test and I had thought that it was fairly easy but since we hadn't heard back I figured that I had really messed up on the test. She told me that . . . that's for another time."
"No, I want to hear how you did Colonel," Rodney stated and the others nodded in agreement.
John looked down at his hands again and finally shrugged.
"According to what my mom told me, the guy that called her said I tested in the ninety-eight percentile group or higher. He told her that I could join MENSA without a problem." John looked at Rodney, "Yeah, I know it was a good score and I should have joined, but my parents weren't rich and I thought we should save the money. Anyway, I asked her where we we're going again and all she would say was that it was a surprise."
At this point, John shoved his chair back and got up. He wrapped his arms around his waist and walked over to one of the corners in the room. He leaned his head forward and took a shaky breath. After about ten minutes, he finally turned around and faced the group while leaning against the wall. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. "I . . . I found out later that we were about halfway to the airport. My birthday surprise was a flight in a Cessna from an old friend of my mom's." The tears the John was holding in began to slowly trickle down his face. He was totally oblivious to them as he tried to continue his story, "Anyway, I started feeling funny. It wasn't like an upset stomach but an uneasy feeling. You know how you get, Teyla, when you sense the Wraith are coming or are around?"
Teyla nodded her understanding. She understood exactly what John was describing. She had felt it her whole life.
Elizabeth could see a slow shiver begin in John. He was quiet as he leaned against the wall. It took another ten minutes before he could start up again. "I started asking mom to pull over. The further we went on the road, the worse the feeling became. In the end, I begged her to pull over because I was down right scared." Another pause, this one of almost ten minutes. No one spoke or moved. They all watched John silently cry as he leaned against the wall. They knew he was reliving the accident again in his mind and there was nothing they could do to help him through it.
Rogue and Kitty were already crying and Elizabeth kept blinking back her own tears. Kate knew she had to be strong because that was her job. When she got back to her quarters, then she could break down and cry for all the pain a young twelve year old boy had to endure.
John swiped at his eyes and quietly continued with a hitched breath. "She had just decided to pull over when a pickup truck came barreling around the corner. He was weaving and going way faster than the speed limit. I looked at mom and the next thing I knew, I was flying into the rear window." John abruptly stopped talking then. John started rubbing at an area high up on his upper arm but just below his armpit. Carson and noticed a fine, light scar on the inside of the arm but had no idea what it was from. He had never bothered to ask but now he was going to make sure that he had Colonel Sheppard's entire medical history. He was not looking forward to what John would say next.
Ten minutes more passed and finally John spoke even more softly and everyone seemed to strain to hear what he was saying, "I was told later that I hit hard enough that my left arm broke through the glass up to about my armpit. The scar is almost invisible now but I can still see it. I broke four bones in my hand and cracked my skull on the metal that surrounds the window itself. I cracked or broke at least four to five ribs and punctured my lung. My right leg was trapped between the backseat and the driver's seat. I found out later that my leg was broken in three places." John took another shaky, deep breath and continued after another twenty minutes. "My mom was trapped in the driver's seat by the steering wheel and the engine. She was still alive until just before the paramedics got to the scene. They found me screaming for my mom not to leave me. The last thing she said was that she loved me."
John couldn't hold it in anymore. He slowly slid down the wall and hid his face in his hands. Storm and Teyla both went over to him. The knelt on either side of him and put their hands on his head. Everyone in the room was affected by the story and they knew it wasn't over.
Elizabeth wiped her eyes and checked her watch. The beginning of the story had taken over an hour in itself. They still had to find out what had happened between John and his father. She looked around the room and saw Kate, who also had tears in her eyes, watching the interaction between Storm, Teyla, and John.
Elizabeth came to a decision. "Why don't we give John some time as well as ourselves? Come back in about an hour and a half and see how he's doing," she said quietly to the rest of the group. They all nodded and quietly got up and left. Logan walked out the door and out on to a balcony as did Rodney and Carson.
John slowly removed his hands from his face and put one arm respectively around Storm and Teyla. Teyla began singing a quiet Athosian lullaby while John buried his head in Storm's shoulder. He cried for a steady thirty minutes. He let out all the hurt and pain that he had held inside of himself for the last twenty-six years. As his tears slowed, he grew tired and slowly dosed off. Storm simply wrapped her arms tighter around him. She wanted him to know that he was not alone. Teyla continued to gently sing to him while she rested her hand on his head.
Teyla looked at Storm and said quietly, "I believe he needed this release of emotion. He holds himself very tightly. He tends to not let anyone in or even tell us how he is really doing."
"I agree. He never told us any of what happened. I could tell it was something traumatic but not to this extent. I'm also afraid that the rest of the story will be just as bad."
"As do I. We will just have to let him know that we are here for him and he can lean on us for any type of support that he needs."
After thirty minutes, John began to stir. As he became more aware of his surroundings, he realized that there were arms around him. He slowly sat up and swiped at his face and hair. He finally looked up into Storm's face. He half-smiled and lowered his eyes as if ashamed of his emotional outburst. Storm gently raised his face and looked into his eyes. "Everything is alright Eagle. We're here for you. What happened is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You are family."
"As you are part of the Atlantis family," Teyla said quietly.
"Thanks," John said with a scratchy voice.
The Balcony over looking the ocean
Logan gripped the railing of the balcony until his knuckles were white. He had wanted to scream about the injustices of the world on one twelve year old boy who just happened to be his friend. He held it in and with long practice, slowly calmed down. He slowly changed his breathing rate to a relaxed mode and dissipated the rage inside of himself.
He sensed others at his side. On his left was a quietly crying Carson Beckett. The only other doctor he knew that could be affected by their patients was Dr. Jean Grey. Carson was someone that he was going to have to study. He didn't seem like your typical medical doctor. He truly cared for his patients as friends.
On his right was Rodney McKay. Rodney tried to be the stoic type but it wasn't working too well. Logan could see the tears brimming in his eyes as well as hear the congestion that usually resulted from crying.
Logan looked at both of them and said quietly, "He's lived with it this long; he'll survive the release with your friendship. It may take a while, but he'll make it."
"I don't see how he could have such a child-like quality about things while always having this at the back of his mind," Carson commented.
"It's just the way he's learned how to cope, Beckett. Every coping mechanism is different. My way is to go and either find something to fight or turn it inwards and meditate on it. McKay's is to work on his laptop. John's is to joke around like a kid."
"I resent that . . . I . . . I don't just work on my laptop."
"If you don't, then what do you do?"
"I think about a great deal of . . . stuff . . . not just work on my laptop."
"Thanks for the clarification."
"So what happens now? How do we help him cope in the long run?" Carson and Rodney asked at the same time.
"Just be there for him. He'll go through some rough times but being there for him is the best thing that you can do. Just let him take the lead. Have a shoulder ready in case he needs to lean on it for moral, mental, or even emotional support. Don't make a big deal about it. Just let him know that you're there for him."
"I can do that," Rodney stated with a small smile. Carson agreed with a nod.
Rodney looked at his watch as he noticed the others starting to reenter the conference room. "Guess its time to hear the rest of the story."
Logan and Carson nodded and turned back towards the doors. None of the men felt like moving but they did for their friend's sake.
The Conference Room Revisited
Just as John made to get up off the floor, the rest of the group slowly started filtering in. The last three to enter were Carson, Rodney and Logan. Each member of the group came over to John. The women gave him a hug and the men gave him a squeeze on the shoulder. John either returned the hugs or nodded to the others. Kitty squeezed the stuffing out of him and he quietly rested his head on hers. Ronon placed a large hand on his shoulder and John nodded back with an intense look in his eyes. Finally, John slowly walked over and resumed his seat between Logan and Rodney.
Elizabeth smiled gently at John. "I know there is more but are you up for it? If not, we can always finish either later or tomorrow, which ever is best for you."
"Let's get it over with Elizabeth. I don't think I can take much more later on."
"Alright, whenever you're ready but just remember that you can stop at any time."
"I know." Taking a deep breath, John began his tale again. "They told me later that I was trapped in the car for almost an hour." John paused and took a deep breath. After a minute of silence, he continued, "My mom died about five minutes before the paramedics got there. It took them over thirty minutes to reach us." Tears were in his eyes again. Everyone in the room knew that this was as hard to talk about as the first part. The entire room gave him as much time as he would need to tell his story. After a couple of more deep, slow breaths, John continued. "The paramedics and fire department had to extract her body before they could get me out. They had to cut out the steering wheel to remove her." John was crying again but he didn't even realize it. Rogue, Kitty, Storm, Teyla and Elizabeth had tears in their eyes as well. Rodney was doing his best to be a man but quiet sniffs could be heard coming from his chair. Logan and Ronon both had clenched fists. Iceman had his arm around Rogue, trying to comfort her and stared at disbelief at what John was telling them.
After another ten minutes, John continued, "I had finally passed out again and was having trouble breathing. When they finally got me to the hospital, my father was there. They told me he only asked after his wife." John finally wiped his eyes and face off with the back of his hands. He was finding it hard to tell his friends that his father didn't care. These were caring people and to let them see what type a father he really had was not something he had ever wanted to do. Another five minutes passed while he gathered his thoughts and tried to determine how to tell his friends. He finally settled on the truth and was hoping for the best. His head was beginning to hurt again and he wasn't looking forward to telling Carson that he needed something again. He leaned his head into his hand and gently massaged his temples in hopes of alleviating some of the pain. Ten more minutes passed and he knew he had to continue. "The doctors brought out the consent form for surgery on me. He thought he was signing the form for my mom." This part was a hard topic for John. The reaction of his father at the hospital was something that he tried never to think about. "I was told later that he went a little ballistic. Said that the doctors had lied to him about who he was signing the consent forms for." John took another deep breath and blew it out. He glanced around the room and finally settled on looking at the table right in front of him. "I came to after surgery on a respirator." John looked at Carson. "That's why I fight it so much, I hate the thing."
Carson nodded and made a mental note to always pull John off before he was fully awake.
John tried to get the next part out but he started coughing instead. Carson was up quickly and handing him a cup of water. "Slow sips Colonel. Breath slow and deep for me. That's it, nice and slow. How are you feeling now?" John nodded and said quietly, "Better. Sorry about that." "Nothing to be sorry for lad. We know this is hard for you. Just sit quietly and have a few more sips of water." John nodded and did as Carson instructed.
After about fifteen minutes, John felt he could continue. He took up where he had left off, "My dad came to see me that same night. He told me that it was my fault that my mom had died. It was because of me that his wife would never be there for him again. Why couldn't I have died and not her? He wished I were dead." John swallowed hard. He used the back of his hand to wipe at his eyes again.
John quickly glanced around the room and then looked quickly down at the table again. He was so afraid to see scorn and the look in their eyes that he deserved everything that had happened to him. He didn't know if he could take losing his friends. Here he had found a home, now he wondered if these people would turn their backs on him the same way his father had when his mother had died. John cleared his throat after another ten minutes of silence and said, "He left the room I was in. I was left with only my thoughts of how I kept distracting my mom while she was driving." Very quietly, the entire room heard John state, "It was my fault. I wished I was dead. I found out later that I went into cardiac arrest that night. It took a while but they got me back." John never took his eyes off of the table. "The doctor told me that my father asked why they had bothered saving me. The doctors and nurses were chalking it up to grief . . . but I knew better. My father hated me." John gulped a deep breath then got up and walked back over to the wall again. He tried massaging his temples again but the headache was just getting worse.
Carson noted the pain lines around the eyes and then everyone noticed how the lights dimmed in the room. They all knew that his eyes were getting light sensitive. Everyone hoped that there wasn't much more to the story. Kate Heightmeyer was amazed at how well adjusted the Colonel was for having such a traumatic event happen in his life. She knew that she would have to have quite a few sessions with him until he could see that he was not responsible for his mother's death. She realized it was going to be an up hill battle of wills.
John rubbed his temples with both hands and quietly continued, "He came twice more to see me over the next three months. Both times, my heart went into arrhythmia. The doctors finally banned him from coming and seeing me. They were afraid that one more time could be fatal." John took another deep breath and finished. "I was in the hospital just under six months. I ended up redoing my freshman year. The doctor had medically excused me from physical education that same year. They wanted to be sure that my heart and lungs were strong enough. After another six months without any arrhythmia, they said I was well enough to go out for gym. They even Okayed going out for the football team." John half smiled at his next statement, "I made first string quarterback for the Varsity team. We took state champs for the next three years."
Another ten minutes of silenced followed John's football statement. No one knew what he was thinking but he had a far away look in his eyes. He had slowly slid down the wall as he saw only images he could see in his mind. Finally, John concluded his tale, "My father was put on desk duty so that he could take care of his motherless son. He found that immersing himself in work and ignoring me helped him. I just learned to hide everything. When I was eighteen, I joined the Air Force so I could fly and get away from him. He hated me already and said that I had murdered his wife so joining up was my chance to start over."
"What happened to the driver of the truck?" Jack asked quietly.
"What I heard is that he walked away without a scratch. He was so drunk, he had no idea that he was even in an accident."
"Was he sent to jail?"
"No idea. I know my dad tried to get the county district attorney to press charges against me but the man just told him to go home and be happy that at least his son survived. I think he also chalked up the accusation to grief."
"Can you tell me an exact date and place of the accident?"
"Van Nuys, December fifth, nineteen-eighty. Sepulveda Boulevard. Corner of Roscoe Boulevard. I think."
Jack wrote down the information to send to Daniel. Hopefully something would come of this tragedy.
John looked at everyone. "Now you know." John stared Jack in the eye. "General O'Neill, I'll understand if you want to see through with the accusations that my father has made against me." John then turned to Dr. Weir, "Elizabeth, if we're done I'd like to go back to my quarters."
"Of course John. Get some rest and I'll see you in the morning."
John nodded and made to stand up. As he stood, a wave of dizziness swept over him and he grabbed the wall to steady himself until it passed. Carson was around the table quickly and put his hand under John's elbow, asking "Are ye alright son?"
"Yeah, just stood up a bit too fast. Seems the migraine's back with a vengeance."
"Come on, I'll help you back to your quarters and get something to alleviate the headache and aid in you falling asleep."
"Again doc? I'm beginning to feel like a pincushion."
"Better a pincushion than to always find yourself on one of my beds. Easy does it now."
The entire room watched John and Carson leave. Logan stood and nodded to Storm and Elizabeth. He would be guarding John's door tonight.
Elizabeth looked at the remaining group and said, "This has been a lot to learn about. Why don't we get dinner and then meet in small groups to discuss the facts. General, its about time for our weekly data exchange with the SGC, are you ready with what you want to send?"
"Yes, and I hope Daniel can help. Let's go."
The entire group slowly filed out of the conference room. They would each discuss it as two separate groups and then as one large group.
Kitty wrapped her arm around Colossus and leaned on him. She still had tears in her eyes from John's tale. Rogue hugged Iceman in the hall. Neither of them could understand that much hatred coming from one individual towards their own flesh and blood. Logan looked at Ronon. Each felt the need to protect John. Logan nodded to Ronon. Ronon understood the nod. Ronon would have second watch. Rodney seeing the look pass between the two men, walked over to Ronon and asked, "What time will your watch start?"
"About midnight."
"I'll be there at four a.m. to relieve you."
"You don't have to McKay. Logan and I can split the night."
"No, I want to. I know that Sheppard will be semi-sedated but I still want to be there for him."
"Alright, I see you at four."
Rodney nodded and headed off to his lab. He wanted to check on something that he had set up the last time Chaya had been to Atlantis.
