Ch 7. It's All Coming Back to Me
Allie drew a cheerful smile as she pointed at Dean and then giggled while bouncing in her high chair. Buffy stared at Allie in awe before regarding Dean.
"Gosh, she just adores you," Buffy replied.
She shaded with a mock glare.
"You're not going to charm her away from me, are ya? Cuz I'll fight you for her, I swear," she snorted teasingly.
Buffy chortled briefly until she noticed Dean finishing up a small bite in silence. She fell out of her amusement as she wiped Allie's mouth clean and pulled her out of her high chair. Allie crinkled her nose as she reached her arms out at Dean.
"Oh no sweetie, don't bother your Uncle Dean right now."
Allie scrunched her face even more and wailed loudly with disappointment. Buffy gently rocked her as Allie continued to shriek and cry, tears staining her cheeks.
"Oh my goodness," Buffy moaned softly. "The terrible two tantrums have arrived way too early."
Buffy bounced Allie on her hip but nothing seemed to calm her. Dean brushed the crumbs off his hands and reached over to Buffy, gently taking Allie from her. Allie immediately ceased in her cries as soon as Dean settled her into his arms. Allie dropped her head on his shoulder and remained content as she tugged on her pacifier.
"Uh wow," Buffy gasped.
When the sound of the phone ringing broke the silence, Buffy quickly shuffled over and picked the line up. She glanced apprehensively at Allie but she looked serene as she leaned her head against Dean's shoulder. Buffy let out a sigh of relief as she pulled out her day planner.
"Um tomorrow?"
Buffy drifted into the laundry room as Allie lifted her head up. Dean soaked in the gleam of her mom's eyes.
"Hey kiddo, be good for your mom okay?" he asked very softly.
Dean pushed away a thin tendril of Allie's curly hair that had grown damp from her sobbing. Dean stole a glance toward the laundry room where Buffy was starting a load of washing through her phone conversation.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around," he continued. "But...I can't...it's complicated and you probably don't even understand a word I'm saying..."
Allie curled her little hand around his thumb, quelling the deep seated ache in his heart for a time. He found his emotions rising over his steel reserves as Allie drew her free hand and patted his cheek. Dean sucked in a breath of awe as Allie stared up at him with wide eyes.
"Or do you?"
Dean marveled in this special kid as she kept her hand gently pressed against his cheek. He clenched back his quavering emotions but felt his eyes thick with moisture as Allie's little hand seemed to blast the immense numbness flooding his heart.
"Do me a favor kid. Be happy, with or without me, it doesn't matter, okay? You and your mom, you've got each other and you deserve to be happy and safe...so when I go, if I don't come back for awhile or...ever...you keep bringing that sunshine to your mommy's life...can you do that?"
Allie patted his cheek and smiled as Buffy emerged from the laundry room. Dean sniffed softly and quickly wiped the dampness from his eyes as Buffy set the phone back on the wall unit.
"Everything okay in here? I would think so since it's quiet," she said.
Allie patted Dean on the cheek another time, as if she were drawing a consoling gesture toward him. He gazed at her in amazement as Buffy strolled over, regarding the both of them with curious eyes.
"Uh, yeah, yeah, we're good."
Buffy looked over Allie as she tugged on her pacifier and snuggled against Dean. She smiled when Allie patted Dean on the cheek.
"Aww, I've never seen her do that," she cooed. "I am SO jealous."
Buffy gently took Allie back into her arms. Dean glanced at Allie as she drew a pleasant smile being back with her mom.
"Okay, I uh, I've taken up enough of your time so, I'm gonna head out."
Buffy shaded with disappointment as Dean pushed his chair from the table and got up.
"Oh, um, okay, thanks for coming by...it was good to see you again," she said with a sweet smile.
Dean collected his composure, inhaling a long breath as he forced a smile over his face.
"Yeah, it was good to see you too."
Buffy glanced at the clock above the doorway as she rocked Allie in her arms.
"If you give me two secs, I'll walk you out," she stressed. "I usually take Allie over to the park for a half hour or so."
"That's okay, I know my way..."
But before he could finish his sentence, Buffy had swiftly snatched up a juice bottle and a small snack package, throwing them in her bag. She bounded into the living room and rolled the stroller out from the side closet, yanking Allie's pink jacket from a hanger.
"...out," Dean finished as he lingered under the kitchen doorway. "Uh...wow, you really meant two seconds..."
Buffy juggled holding Allie, fishing up her house keys and coat and pivoting the stroller toward the door.
"Yeah, I've sort of excelled in multi-tasking in a moment's notice now," she remarked with a smile.
"No kidding. I guess you have to be."
Buffy hiked her bag on one shoulder while cradling Allie and her coat with her free arm. She smiled at Allie as she cooed excitedly.
"You love the park huh Allie?"
Dean slipped on his jacket and headed for the door, pulling it open. Buffy angled several things on her arms as she gripped the stroller.
"Uh, how far is the park?"
"Just two blocks," Buffy answered as she pitched the stroller forward.
"Oh, well uh, I guess I should walk you considering you've got...a lot of stuff..."
"It's okay, I've got a system of how I get her there with all my stuff," she said. "I know you've got places to be, so don't let me keep you."
Buffy set out a toy in Allie's lap, before she straightened and gripped the stroller handle. As she gently pushed the stroller through the door, Dean grabbed the front wheels and helped Buffy settle it on the walkway.
"Thanks," she said.
"No problem. You're pretty efficient, an expert mom...I knew you would be."
Buffy drew a humbled smile as she steered the stroller down the walkway.
"I don't know, I'm still learning stuff," she admitted. "And I don't always get it right..."
"Still, for someone who moaned to me that they knew nothing about raising a kid...you're doing a bang up job Summers, you really are. I mean, you tamed this little Allie cat."
Buffy rolled her eyes in jest. "For the time being but she's definitely got her moods."
When they reached the foot of the sidewalk, Buffy pivoted the stroller toward the end of the block while Dean lingered in front of his car.
"Have a safe drive back to...wherever you're headed," Buffy replied with a warm smile. "And um...next time you drop in...bring Sam too, if you want..."
Dean shifted uncomfortably in his stance at the thought of including Sam in his impromptu trips to Cohasset. There was no way he wanted Sam to know just how often the Summers' girls had been on his mind lately. Sam hadn't even been aware that he had delivered little Allie into the world almost nine months ago. Still, Dean drew a polite smile as Buffy bundled Allie up in her jacket and blanket.
"Uh, yeah, Sam..." he managed to say.
Buffy rummaged through her bag and observed Dean curiously as he stared off blankly.
"Are you sure you're okay? You know that you can talk to me about 'bad' stuff if you need to," she said with a knowing look.
Dean nodded in acknowledgment as Allie's gleeful coos rang though the air. He shoved his hands in his pocket as he tried to stamp away the thoughts of his time downstairs and what he had allowed himself to do to get off the rack. He had no business spending any amount of time with one of the greatest heroes in the world and her amazing kid. Not after taking pleasure in inflicting endless amounts of pain on evil souls. He may have been resurrected, but he didn't come back fully human.
He didn't deserve to be here, especially not in Cohasset with Buffy and Allie. He was kidding himself if he could ever have anything close to what Buffy had attained after all her years of sacrifice. Though they fought the same battle against evil, his life had veered in a drastically different direction. He had gone to Hell and stopped his own suffering by dishing out his own and he enjoyed every timeless minute of it. He was worse than any demon he had ever killed.
"Dean?"
Dean blinked out of his heavy daze to see Buffy staring up at him with furrowed brows.
"Sorry I was, just thinking about stuff..."
"Oh, so you do want to talk about...that stuff? I don't have to take Allie to the park now, I can wait until I want to tire her out for her nap..."
Dean shook his head as Allie bounced in her stroller.
"No, I'm okay," he said adamantly. "It's nothing. You take her to the park, have fun. I'll uh...I'll walk you over...I need some air anyway..."
Buffy studied Dean for a long minute, trying to gauge his sincerity but other than a handful of visits, she barely knew that much about him. Before she could casually draw out another inquiry about his state of mind, Dean had plucked the bag hanging off her shoulder as well as the plastic cooler in her hand.
"Um, thanks," she said.
After a short stroll to the park, Dean eyed the kids running around the blacktop playground and grassy areas as Buffy plucked Allie out of the stroller.
"You might need to wait until she's not looking to sneak off because I'm not sure she'll be happy if she sees you walk away."
Dean drifted off into another daze as he watched a young guy among a sea of mothers bonding with his little boy in the sandbox. He should have gotten in the car as soon as he left the house since the paternal display tunneled a deeper ache in his system. It was killing him to look at what he would never have in his damn life; he should just turn on his heels and head out. But as he opened his mouth to respond, it was as if someone else was talking, not the voice of reason, but the voice of a silly dreamer, the voice of denial.
"You know what, if I leave now, I'm probably gonna hit traffic when I get to Chicago so...maybe I'll just wait it out...if that's okay..."
Buffy lit up with a bright smile.
"Yeah, of course it's okay, I know Allie's gonna be thrilled that you can spoil her with some more attention."
Buffy burst with a giggle as she tickled Allie's cheek.
"Did you hear that Allie? Your uncle Dean is going to stay a little longer."
Allie grinned at her mom before breaking into a long babble. Buffy widened her eyes in amazement.
"Wow, I have no idea what she's saying but I think it's good," she said.
An hour later, Buffy pushed the stroller up the walkway as the sun bled away into the horizon. Juggling with many items, Dean took her house keys and unlocked the door. Buffy settled the stroller inside and crouched forward to check on Allie. She smiled in delight when Allie was fast asleep.
"She's down for the count," she noted softly. "Never fails. Park time leads to nap time."
Buffy gently scooped Allie into her arms as Dean set the bag and cooler by the door.
"That was a lot of fun," she added. "Especially when Allie got real fussy and you proceeded to cheer her up. I had no idea you could hang from the monkey bars like that."
Buffy chortled very softly at the recent memory.
"The things I do to make a chick smile," Dean groaned. "Let's not mention that again...to anyone..."
Buffy cocked an eyebrow up as she smirked.
"Hey, I really suspect a part of you was enjoying that."
As her look hung over him for a second, he broke with a humbled expression.
"Okay, okay, so, maybe I did a little."
"Well, Allie was thoroughly entertained."
"She's a good kid."
Buffy stroked Allie's soft locks and grew misty eyed.
"Yeah, she's great, she really is," she cried softly.
Buffy planted a kiss on the top of Allie's head as Dean soaked in the sight of her immense joy. After a moment, his eyes fell to the floor as he stewed with guilt.
"Uh, Buffy, look, there's a...there's something I need to tell you..."
Buffy lifted her eyes from Allie to Dean, feeling slightly unnerved by the gloomy tone in his voice.
"There's a lot going on right now," he started. "And...this is probably the last time I can..."
A loud snap suddenly cracked through the house, causing Dean to pause in startle. He widened his eyes when he noticed a stream of blue light snaking up from the floor, surrounding the walls in rivulets of electricity.
"What the hell is that?"
Buffy clutched Allie tight in her arms as her face knitted with dread.
"It's the ward on the house, it detects and deflects any supernatural beings," she said softly. "My friend Willow, she's um, a witch and she spelled the house when I first moved in."
Dean whipped around as more blue lights fizzled, snapped and enveloped the house before dissipating.
"Well, that's some powerful witch mojo," he said.
When an even louder boom rocked the house, Dean stiffened with panic.
"I take it that's not good," he muttered grimly.
Buffy shook her head as she tried to contain her nerves.
"I need to get Allie downstairs, to the basement, it's the safest place in the whole house, Will put some sort of multi layered force field down there that will keep anything evil away."
Dean ushered her through the kitchen and toward the basement stairs.
"Then you get down there too," he advised. "I'll check it out."
"Not by yourself, just let me put Allie down and then..."
Dean hardened his expression as he threw the door to the basement open.
"Buffy, please do not fight me on this," he pleaded sharply. "Your first priority is to keep Allie safe. Whatever is outside, I'll draw it away. Now go."
Buffy clutched Allie's tightly as she slowly turned toward the stairs. Dean heaved a sigh of relief as Buffy descended a few steps before halting. She looked up at Dean with intense apprehension.
"Dean, this ward is very powerful, whatever is trying to get in, it's pretty big. You might not be able to fight it alone, so don't do anything stupid...please," she stressed shakily.
Buffy twisted around and padded down to the landing as Dean gripped the door and met her eyes before disappearing.
As Dean roamed through the house, he snatched up his pistol and cautiously scoped the dark pockets. After clearing the inside, he commenced a search of the exterior property. When he stepped out onto the front porch, he strained his hearings for any odd sounds. The street was empty and the neighborhood quiet as he ambled down the walkway. He perched on the sidewalk, whipping his eyes thoroughly around the street, examining the space between parked cars when something perked in his instinct. He swung around to see Cass standing on the other side of the street, his brooding glare more intense than usual.
Dean let out a sigh as he quickly walked across the street and met up with Cass.
"What are you doing here Cass?"
Dean pocketed his gun but kept a discreet hold on the handle for any unexpected drop-ins.
"I've been looking for you," Cass answered flatly.
Dean frowned in irritation as his sights took notice of the wisps of smoke billowing from beneath Cass' loafers.
"You fly through an electrical storm or something?"
Cass looked down at his shoes before glancing across the street.
"I sensed you were here and when I tried to see you, I was...deflected by a great mystical force surrounding that house."
Dean frowned deeper with annoyance.
"Yeah, it's a protective ward," he revealed.
Cass narrowed his distant eyes.
"Are you protecting this house from demons?"
"No, it wasn't me that did it...it doesn't matter...why are you standing here?"
"I cannot cross beyond this line."
Cass drew his shoe off the curb and was immediately bombarded with blue lightning bolts. Cass stepped back onto the curb as Dean nodded.
"So it's got a wide radius," he said. "That's a good thing."
Cass stared at the house before glancing at Dean.
"My senses are dampened by this mystical force. Who lives here?"
"No one you need to be concerned about," Dean said evasively. "Now why were you looking for me?"
"There is work to be done," Cass said.
Cass glanced toward the house.
"Lilith is succeeding every day in breaking more seals. So what is more important than doing your job Dean?"
Dean stared at Cass for a very long minute.
"Just go away Cass. I'll be back at the motel later and we can tag the next batch of demons but for the meantime, I've got my reasons for being here."
Cass frowned with wonder as Dean flashed an annoyed look.
"Never mind, just don't ever come back here."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm telling you and now I'm telling you to go."
Cass remained on the sidewalk, exacerbating Dean's aggravation even more.
"Fine, then I'll leave since you can't follow me," he snapped.
Dean stepped off the curb and looked over his shoulder to see Cass had vanished.
Buffy paced furiously around the basement listening intently to any sounds above her. When she heard the echoes of footsteps upstairs, she tensed and rushed to the landing. The basement door clicked and swung open.
"All clear."
Buffy heaved a huge breath of relief when Dean popped his head in. After he quietly trudged down the stairs, he met Buffy's questioning eyes.
"What was it?"
Dean noticed Buffy clutching a long dagger at her side.
"Uh...it was a false alarm."
Buffy stared at Dean in disbelief.
"What? No, that's not possible," she said cynically. "Willow specifically stated that anything supernatural would set it off, so something was out there."
Buffy bore her eyes into Dean until his expression cracked with acknowledgment.
"Okay, so there was, but it's gone and it's not coming back," he replied firmly.
"How do you know?"
"I just do...just trust me," Dean affirmed. "You want to put that away?
Dean dropped his eyes to the dagger.
"Why do you even have that?"
Buffy heaved a breath as she returned the dagger to a cabinet. Dean widened his eyes in surprise when he noticed several racks of weapons hanging on the inside of the cabinet doors.
"Seriously?" he posed sharply.
Buffy shot an annoyed look as she shut and locked the cabinet.
"I may be retired but I'm not going to be defenseless," she stated. "Now what was out there?"
Dean sighed in exasperation as Buffy hooked him with an assessing glare.
"Just let it go," he grunted. "I'll handle the demons, you handle her."
Dean glanced at Allie sleeping undisturbed.
"This isn't your concern anymore Buffy. I'm guessing that's why you've got friends to put wards on your house so you don't have to worry about demons."
After glaring sharply at Dean for a minute, Buffy heaved a sigh of surrender.
"It hasn't gone off in awhile, I guess I was getting used to that," she said.
"So it's gone off before?" Dean asked with grave concern.
Buffy crouched over Allie and caressed her hair, soothing her own nerves.
"Yeah um, last fall, there was some incident, my friend Xander came out to check on me, something about angry spirits coming back to haunt the people that couldn't save them."
Dean froze in complete shock, while his eyes widened with recognition.
"Uh...angry spirits...haunted you?"
Buffy shook her head as she kissed Allie's cheek.
"No, thanks to the ward, nothing got in, but a few of my friends were attacked, no one got really hurt but it was the first time demon stuff hit my town since...well, Cicero."
Dean cursed himself a thousand times in his head. It was just his damn luck that Buffy's magical demon ward had gone off because of him. Even when he wasn't around, she was still getting hit by the fallout of his life. He was a demon magnet and now he had Angels on his back too. He shook his head and muttered inaudibly under his breath as he turned toward the stairs. He should have refrained from ever seeing them, but those hazel eyed girls in his dreams – had drawn him back, kept drawing him back despite all efforts to stay away. But knowing the ward had activated as a result of his role, whatever that was, in being brought back to life, Dean had to stop thinking like a silly dreamer, he had to stop escaping his reality with these visits to Cohasset, he had to nip his curiosity in the bud whenever he wondered about Buffy, he had to with one hundred percent certainty, leave her alone. As long as he kept coming around, Buffy was going to be a target and he would be damned, again, if he would let any demon or Angel for that matter, shatter her happy life because he couldn't let go. If she and Allie got hurt because of him...
Dean stopped himself before the dreaded thought rippled vividly in his mind. He buried it away as he made up his mind.
"I'm going to take Allie up to her bed," Buffy said.
Dean phased out of his thoughts as Buffy drifted up the stairs. He followed behind her, tugging on the locks of the window and doors while she carried Allie to the second floor. A short time later, Buffy shuffled down the stairs as Dean finished up his perimeter check.
"I'm heading out," he said flatly. "Lock the door when I leave."
Buffy glanced up the stairs as silence thickened in the air.
"Okay, um, thanks for everything...I'm sorry for being so curt with you earlier."
"It's okay," he stressed. "I understand."
Dean pulled the door open and looked back at Buffy one last time.
"Take care Summers," he said.
As he stepped out, he gripped the door handle and pulled it along behind him.
"And remember..."
Buffy nodded with a humorous expression.
"Lock the door, I know," she said.
She quickly snatched the door knob on her side as Dean gave her a nod goodbye.
After he got in the car, Dean let the engine warm up for a second, looking off at Buffy's house. He shut his eyes and hung his head down, feeling the grips of shame overcoming him.
"Dammit," he muttered.
He shook his head repeatedly as he veered away from the curb and tore down the street. No matter what, he had to stay away. As he hit the highway, Dean silently chanted to himself, one glaringly harsh thought to prevent any more impromptu visits:
Buffy and Allie could die if you ever go back Dean, you have to stay away, you have to. Too much shit happens in your life and the people you care about always end up getting hurt or killed. To keep them safe, you have to stay away and never let anyone know about them.
Dean rapped fervently on the steering wheel as the statement flooded his mind. He rapped harder on the steering wheel with his fingers, as it was the only thing he could do in his state of mind to keep from falling apart. It always came down to sacrifice in his line of work. This wasn't anything new. This wasn't anything realistic anyway. He was a hunter and Buffy wasn't anymore. She had a different life, a happy life, a life he could only dream about, a life that would never be his...
"It's not fair..." he muttered softly.
After a minute, Dean blew his self-loathing moment away and pulled himself together.
Stay away Dean, just stay away.
