Reid had never felt so aware of his brothers as he did on the car ride to the lodge. Caleb drove and somehow Reid had ended up in the front passenger seat beside him. He hadn't fastened his seat belt and for the first time in his life, Caleb had not even given him an annoyed look about it. Caleb hadn't looked at him at all. Reid found himself staring at the other man's knuckles, watching those fingers grip the steering wheel until they turned a new shade of white and he could see the thin blue veins between flesh and bones.

His mind raced. Caleb knew. Someone knew. There had been times when all he had wanted was for someone to know. Now he felt sick. Exposed and ashamed and so damn tired. His lies were crumbling. If Caleb knew than Pogue probably knew. Reid's eyes found the rear-view mirror and he watched the long haired blond talking to Tyler. His long mouth was curled into a casual smile, sly and comfortable as usual. He was almost relieved that nothing had changed there and then Pogue's eyes slanted to the mirror to look back at him. Nothing in his features changed. Nothing about his smile or the joking words that continued to pour out for the youngest beside him. But in his eyes, Reid saw the questions, the worry and the anger.

He looked away quickly, turning his cheek away from the mirror and Caleb as well. He stared out the window at the snowy forest rushing past. It was cruel that he could feel like he had ruined his life by letting them find out when all these years he had already felt like his life was ruined by the secret he kept.

They pulled up in front of the lodge and Tyler was the first to hop out of the car. He was excited and happy and completely oblivious. It was enough to make Reid's stomach twist. No matter what he did now he was betraying his best friend. Telling Tyler would destroy their friendship and his friend's family but letting him be the only one not to know felt wrong as well.

"You can't stay in the car all day." Caleb spoke lowly and Reid tensed, not having realized that he was still in the car with him.

"I don't feel like sitting in hot tubs." The blond muttered, watching Pogue land a tightly packed ball of snow against Tyler's back on their way toward the front doors of the lodge.

"Than drink some cocoa." The oldest suggested without much interest.

Reid rolled his eyes and got out of the car, feeling much like a teen again, and slammed the door before shoving his hands into his pockets and following his brothers. The lobby was large and there seemed to be a fireplace in every direction. Tyler was already at the counter, getting them lockers and paying for their access to everything this place had to offer that didn't involve the slopes they tried so hard to push.

"Reid!" Tyler called, turning his shoulders away from the front desk to look at him. "What do you want to do?" His best friend asked, happy but not hopeful that Reid would be in the mood to answer.

The blond shrugged and started toward the door he knew would lead to the changing room. "Whatever. Just sign me up for something easy." He called back before disappearing from the lobby and into the clean hall of warm colors that led into the locker room.

They didn't have assigned numbers or anything. Just pick one that wasn't in use. Inside were towels and slippers and an assortment of crap Reid wouldn't touch. He unzipped his jacket and peeled it off, stuffing it into the small closet and pulling out the white towel to drop it on the bench. His hat followed his cloves and naked fingers pulled the layers of shirts over his head and into a ball and was pushed into the mess. He turned around to sit down on the bench and realized then that Pogue had followed him in.

The other blond, taller, stood just behind him with his back to the other wall of lockers. Reid sat down just as he'd planned and leaned forward to pull at the laces of his boots. "Aren't you stealthy." He muttered, not looking at his brother.

Pogue watched him. He'd taken off his own jacket on the way in but was otherwise still clothed. "You used against me the other day." He said, his voice more thoughtful than accusing. "When I was fucking Tyler." He clarified, as though Reid might have forgotten.

The smaller blond frowned and looked up at his friend, hands moving to the ties of the second boot. "Yeah... Sorry about that." He muttered before standing to step out of both of his shoes. Bare feet connecting with the cold floor.

Pogue took a step closer and Reid tensed. He frowned down at him. Did Reid think he would hit him? A hundred questions and thoughts ran across his mind but he decided against them. It wouldn't help now to say that he should have told them, that they could have helped him.

Pogue was quiet for so long that Reid started to wonder if he would say anything at all, those eyes boring into him were making it impossible to stand still. "What do you want?" The shorter man finally spat out.

"Our first time..." Pogue started. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. "Your first time." He amended. "I almost turned you away because it was October and you were in your mood. You were self destructive and angry again, the way you always are around the holidays," There was a new tone to those words, a new understanding.

Reid stared at the shadow in his friend's eyes. It was hard to breathe, so afraid of where those words were going.

"but you seemed so desperate and I was afraid you would go to someone else if I said no." Pogue admitted. "You stayed the whole weekend." He recalled aloud. "We didn't have sex the first day. You were jumpy and I thought it was nerves."

"It was." Reid hissed out.

"You were afraid." Pogue thought aloud and Reid saw the pain in his friends eyes.

"Not like that." Reid corrected quickly.

"You cried." Pogue pointed out grimly.

Reid frowned and took a step forward this time, pushing his brother back a step. "It fucking hurt and I was so nervous I was lucky I didn't throw up." He snapped angrily. "I-"

"Why October?" Pogue interrupted.

Reid's mouth snapped shut and his lips pressed with a growl.

"Why no blow jobs?" The taller man continued to jab, some part of him knowing the answer.

Reid's expression darkened. "You know." He hissed.

"I want to hear it."

"Why?"

"I need to know."

Reid sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, looking away. "Up until then it had only been blow jobs but the things he said..." He muttered so lowly that he wasn't even sure Pogue would hear him. "I didn't want him to be my first." He looked up through his lashes at his brother. "I wanted you." He admitted.

Pogue stared back at him. It was what he wanted to hear and yet he could not have prepared himself for just how relieved he was to hear it. He reached out slowly to curl his fingers around the back of Reid's neck, worried his lover and friend might cringe away. He didn't. The shadow in Reid's eyes had been there almost their entire relationship. Since they were too young. It was a horrible realization that knowing didn't change anything. Nothing had happened to Reid this year that had not happened in the years before. Nothing was new. The only thing that had changed was the fact that they knew and that it wouldn't happen again. The future would change and no matter how it grated, that was all they could do.

They heard Tyler's voice when he and Caleb walked into the locker room, isles of closets away. Pogue still stared at Reid.

"Are you guys in here?" Tyler shouted, his voice echoing slightly.

"Over here." Pogue called and when their brother's rounded the corner he let his hand fall away from Reid's neck.

"Are we interrupting something?" Tyler laughed, throwing his jacket onto the bench beside Reid.

Pogue smiled. "You're always interrupting something." He assured before he turned to the opposite wall and started stripping down. "So what's the plan?"

Tyler hopped on one foot while pulling his shoe off the other. He managed to make it look casual rather than awkward or childish. Reid almost smiled. "Well, you and I are going to the hot tubs and if those aren't empty, we'll have a go at the sauna."

"Empty?" Pogue smirked and looked back at his friend, raising an eyebrow. "Looking for privacy?"

Tyler's cheeks pinked a little and he shrugged newly naked shoulders.

"Am I supposed to be filming your sauna sex?" Reid asked blandly, pushing down his jeans and his underwear in the same motion and tossing them into the well stuffed locker. They had never been shy with each other, even before they'd been lovers. Though, admittedly, Reid peeked when Caleb stripped down most of the time. Not today though. Today, he stared into his locker, pushing things around and looking for the towel he'd already taken out.

He couldn't help but think of Caleb's mouth colliding with his less than a half hour ago. Like everything with Caleb, it had been intense and it took all the self control he had not to reach up and touch his mouth, wondering if his lips were swollen. They still tingled from that kiss. He could still taste Caleb's tongue in his mouth.

"Yo!" Tyler shouted and laughed. Reid blinked and turned his head to look at his friend. It seemed he had been talking and Reid hadn't heard any of it. He jumped when he felt a hand nudging his arm and turned to look up at Caleb, those dark brown eyes staring back at him- unreadable. The taller man was holding out his towel, waiting. Reid scoffed and grabbed it from him, wrapping it around his waist and closing his locker door. Caleb and the others were already ready to go, towels hanging on their hips and lockers closed up.

Tyler just laughed and shook his head, following Pogue toward the doors that lead to the sauna. "Nevermind. See you in a couple hours!" He shouted before disappearing. Reid watched him go.

"Are you ready?" Caleb asked and Reid look up at him curiously.

"For what?" He sounded defensive. Really, he was alarmed to find himself alone with Caleb again. "Aren't you going with them?"

The brunet rolled his eyes and started in the other direction. "You really weren't listening were you?" Caleb muttered.

Reid followed him though with every step he wondered if he shouldn't. He stared at the muscles in Caleb's back, his shoulders, his waist. It was stupid to think that he'd had a crush on this man his whole life. Stupid, because they were friends and brothers and even without the acts they had always been more.

"What's your plan?" Reid heard himself asking the thing he didn't really want to talk about.

Caleb looked back at him, surprised and then shrugged one of those shoulders. "You don't want Ty to know and I said I would tell him. I guess killing his step-dad might make him suspicious."

Reid struggled to breathe but managed to follow the brunet through the door and into a small waiting room with soft lights and instrumental music.

"I told you, I'll let it go as long as you want it that way." Caleb said. His tone was mild but Reid heard the words that went unsaid. It was an offer to make Gary pay if and when Reid ever changed his mind about how he wanted to handle this. "But it can't happen again." The brunet clarified. He stopped beside a door to look back at Reid, tilting his head to the side. "Do you want to see a therapist or something like that?" He asked as though the thought had just occurred to him.

Reid snorted. "Fuck you." He muttered and then pushed pasted Caleb and into the room that seemed to be their destination. He stopped a few steps in and frowned. A padded table, more low lighting, candles and a table of oil. "You're shitting me! Baby Boy knows I hate the massages here. It's all hot rocks and elbows." He whined.

Caleb laughed. "Stop bitching and lay down."

Reid realized then that there was only one massage table in this room and no masseur. He turned to look at Caleb skeptically. "Why?" He demanded anxiously.

Caleb lifted an eyebrow again, this time a little surprised but smirked. "Are you afraid?" He asked it out of curiosity rather than worry and Reid was grateful.

He snorted irritable and laid face down on the table. "No. But if you're going to get handsy with me than this massage better have a happy ending." He smirked at his own cleverness but felt his skin tighten with nerves when he couldn't see Caleb anymore.

"That'll cost extra." The brunet said casually, his fingers running a line up Reid's spine before starting on the back of his shoulders.

Reid shivered and then groaned, his eyes closing. "Worth it." He muttered, hands moving down his shoulder blades and along his ribs. "Fuck.. where did you learn that?" The blond asked, his words soon slurring a little.

Caleb smiled because his friend couldn't see. "Pogue used to get muscle aches in high school. This used to stop his bitching." He smiled and rolled his thumbs into the base of Reid's spine, just over the cleft of his ass and the top of his towel. "It also made him easy to top."

Reid cracked an eyelid and his lips curled into a smirk. "You think this'll make me easy to top?"

Caleb laughed a little, a breathy sound. "The thought never crossed my mind."

Reid closed his eyes again, his lids heavy and his body humming. For the first time in months he felt calm. Caleb knew his secrets and his life wasn't ruined. Things were still moving forward. He actually felt good. He sighed heavily and lifted his hips without thinking when his friend pulled at his towel. He winced a little when he dropped his hips back down, the leather padding of the table cold against his erection. But he didn't care, not with those hands digging fingers into his hips and thighs.

"Roll over." He heard Caleb say, voice heavy and dark.

Reid moaned and his body shifted to flip onto his back. Eyelids pried open again to look up at the other man, those dark eyes staring back at him. Reid opened his mouth, to say something witty or maybe to ask what now, but all attempts at words morphed into a guttural moan when Caleb wrapped a warm hand around Reid's cock. His eyes rolled shut when Caleb started stroking him. His whole body was heavy, tired and relaxed, but his breath came in thick gasps. His hips lifted as best they could to thrust into the hand pumping his sex. "Cay.." He managed to moan the name.

"Can I put it in my mouth?" Caleb asked curiously. It sounded strange, for that voice so thick with lust to ask. Just from what Reid had heard from Tyler about Caleb in the bedroom, he wasn't really one to ask.

Reid shivered through the fog of his pleasure. "Hnn.. Y-You don't... You don't have to... do that.." He panted, body starting to shake already. His breath caught in his throat and his blue eyes opened again when a hot tongue stroked down his the head of his cock just before lips wrapped around it. He almost choked on his own saliva when he looked down at Caleb's head bobbing over his hips, his sex wrapped in the heat of that mouth and that tongue rolling against his flesh.

Within seconds he hissed a warning and his head dropped back, pressing into the padding while his hips rose, cum bursting from inside of him. He stared at the ceiling, his vision blurring as he felt Caleb swallowing around him, sucking the last of his lust from his cock before letting go of him.

He said something, he knew he had, but he forgot what it was almost as soon as the words escaped him. When he woke more than an hour later on that same table with a towel over his waist, he still wouldn't be able to remember what it had been that he said. But he'd remember the smirk on Caleb's swollen mouth.


Sorry this one took so long! Holidays and moving got in the way of writing fun! Your reviews have been really inspiring though and kept me going so thank you all so much! Hope you like this bit!

-march