Just because I was in an open relationship didn't mean I wouldn't be bothered anymore. Not during the night, thank god. To be held safely every night...I had to admit it was comforting. It helped. Mikuo was far too sweet to lay a hand on me, unlike everyone else who seemed to think I was made of stone. Mikuo couldn't see through my act, and in a way that was also relieving. He took me places I asked him to take me and did everything I told him to. To anyone else he would be the perfect boyfriend.
To me, he was convenient.
"I love you" was what he told me one below freezing night as we tried to fall asleep. I was able to return it without hesitation. That was one of the main perks of wearing a constant mask. He kissed me softly and held me tighter, saying over and over again how happy he was. How happy he is. Was I happy?
I still had to sing with Len. It was just like how it was when I first had to sing with him. He wouldn't touch me or look at me and he held a stubborn aura throughout the song. The ice chill in his eyes had quickly transformed into a blizzard. Hm, too bad for him, seeing as I no longer cared.
One morning I walked downstairs to Rin wiping her puffy pink eyes at the table. I mentally groaned; she had seen me and it was too late to turn back.
"What happened?" I asked softly, resting my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me and immediately pulled me into an uncomfortable squeeze.
"Len-kun..." she began quietly, resting her hand on her cheek. "He's changed."
"He doesn't seem very different to me," I said somewhat reassuringly.
"Well, you came after he changed...We tried to treat him the same, but It's hard when he treats you like a nuisance in his life. I'm his sister...We used to be so close. In fact, for months we only would talk to each other and no one else; not even Miku. We only trusted each other. Now he acts like he doesn't even know who I am." She wiped her eyes and leaned her head on my shoulder. "But I really don't know who he is anymore..."
"What was he like before?" I asked in true curiosity. I sat next to her and pulled her face to my shoulder. She accepted my gesture gratefully.
"He was happy. He smiled all the time. He was childish. He would do anything for me. I was his princess. We only loved each other..." She looked thoughtful. "Did I do this? Is he like this because I grew close to other people?"
It took me a moment to realize what had happened.
"Perhaps he was sick of wearing a mask and finally took it off."
"A mask? What are you talking about?" Her voice was forlorn sounding. She didn't understand probably wouldn't even if I explained to her. I decided just to keep quiet and comfort the trembling blond.
Out of the bundles of pure kindness in my heart, I offered to go shopping with her to get her mind off things. I even asked Miku to join. I spent the day laughing and letting the girls buy any frilly girly article of clothing for me they wanted to. It didn't matter if I wore it or not.
Why was I being so nice?
I came home to Mikuo furious scrubbing his room down. He explained in desperation he was a clean freak and couldn't stop once he started. I just decided to help him; there was nothing better to do anyway.
Mikuo held me tighter than before that night. He kissed me, and I was half expecting him to go for my clothes but he didn't. He only held me, continuing to kiss me when I allowed him to. It was almost comforting to have somebody so close to me who didn't want something from me. He was simple.
He came with me during my practice sessions with Len, telling me I did wonderfully and get more comfortable singing every day. I asked him to sing for me and he did once the others left. It only fulled my belief that he could have surpassed Miku thousands of times.
"Piko, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone," he told me one night as we drank hot drinks by the window.
"Oh really?" I smiled, blowing the steam off my chocolate. "I'm glad to hear that. I love you too."
He didn't look at me as he glanced out at the falling snow. His eyes held something I couldn't pick up.
"I wish I had the chance to sing with you," he said almost inaudibly. "I think our voices would match up well."
"We can, if you want. The studio is always working."
He just shook his head before taking a sip of his drink. That same look spread across his face and vanished as soon as it appeared. It annoyed me; I didn't know what he was thinking. He's usually as easy to read as a book.
"If you don't want to sing we can always...lay down?" I suggested, climbing onto his lap and fiddling with the collar of his shirt. "It's cold; I think we should...lie down..." I tugged on the front of his shirt, planting a kiss on his collar bone. He grabbed my arms and lightly pushed me away as another expression I couldn't read climbed onto his face.
"I don't do those kinds of things," he mumbled. I stared at him. Did he reject me? I kissed him again and asked why. He didn't respond, only finishing his drink and taking my forgotten about mug. I watched him and waited patiently for him to come back and sit down.
Len refused to rehearse with me the next day. We were alone without Mikuo for the first time and he sat on the stage like a stubborn child. It almost made me smile. Why not mess with the boy who messed with me?
I pinned him on his back and sat promptly on his stomach, leaning down and kissing the tip of his nose. It amused me when his cheeks tainted red and he shoved me off him onto my back.
"Don't touch me," he hissed, bring his legs to his chest awkwardly. He shot my a glare through the corner of his eyes and I smiled brightly in return.
"But I thought you love me," I grinned, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing it. He did say it. He can't deny that. I want to know.
He smirked suddenly, turning his head and staring at me.
"Only when you're screaming."
I paused and felt a shiver run through me. I let him go from my grasp and stared, only slightly phased when he kept that smirk. Only when I'm screaming...
"So...Kaito too?" I wondered out loud. His smirk widened a bit.
"Kaito loves me," he almost laughed. "Kaito loves every fiber of me. Every bit of data inside me; every masterly crafted feature of myself, Kaito loves."
"Is that a bad thing?" my eyebrow raised. "Is being loved so very horrible, Len?"
He stared at me before turning his head to face the nonexistent audience as he had done many times before. He frowned.
"Is being a helpless girly-girl so very great?" He turned to look at me, reaching his hand out and cupping my chin. "Is being used for others' person gain so very great? Is not being able to breathe very comfortable?"
"I can breathe just fine," I scoffed, trying to turn my head away but finding I couldn't.
"Can you?" he asked, leaning his face in towards mine and lowering his eyelids, a natural smile spreading across his cheeks. "I think you're suffocating." His voice had lowered. I narrowed my eyes.
"I can breathe just fine!" I hollered a bit too loudly. He was making me nervous. His soulless eyes stared into my own.
He laughed and pinned me onto my back, a position I had become used to over the past few weeks. I blinked and reached up, grasping his shoulders with my boney fingers. I almost flinched when his own chilled finger tips brushes across my cheek. They came back wet and I realized that I had begun to cry. When had that happened? He smirked
"Mikuo was deactivated for good today. It cost them too much money to keep up a useless model."
I froze. Mikuo was...gone?
"He was just here," I said lightly, not able to completely grasp what he said. Len shrugged and trailed his hand over my cheek again.
"Now he's not. He's gone." His hand slid down my shoulder.
It took me a moment, but I the only thing I managed to say was "how inconvenient." It took Len by surprise, and then he smirked once again.
"You're crying," he said.
"I'm aware," I mumbled softly and turned my head to the side. His eyes burned into my skin but I didn't have the strength to move him off. Mikuo was gone so suddenly...
Do I care?
He kissed under my eye where tears fell freely. Was I really crying for Mikuo for something else? Len continued to kiss my face and moved down to my neck and collar bone. I raked my nails down his back and smiled at the grunt that escaped his lips.
"Do you love Rin?" I asked while attempting to halt the river of tears falling down my cheeks.
"As much as I love anyone else," he replied blankly, pinning my arms to my side and kissing my jaw. For some reason, sobs chocked into my throat and I struggled to get him off. He held my arms tighter.
I screamed over and over for him to get off until he finally heard me and did, staring blankly at me and sitting on his knees. I sat up and drew my hand back, bring it down hard across his cheek. His eyes showed no form of pain or anger. He just put his hand over his cheek and stared.
I wiped my eyes but the tears wouldn't stop. "I hate you," I said. "Everything is your fault," I screamed. I collapsed on the ground in a shaking mess. I felt shivers run up and down my spine when he scooped me into his arms and walked out of the white stage room.
I was placed into a bed that could only be described as a cloud. Thick blankets were pulled up to my chin and I stared at the blonde boy who cupped my chin and placed a kiss on my upper lip. He wiped the last of the tears off my cheek and just sat there, turning his head and looking out the window.
I didn't say a thing and just watched him type at super speeds on his laptop. Occasionally, he would glance up at me and I would avert my gaze. He was easy to look at. He was comforting. I hate him.
At night he crawled up next to me and rested his head on mine.
"Len...can you breathe?" I asked.
"Just fine," he mumbled before tangling his hand in my hair and placing a kiss on my lips. He gave me another and another until I began to kiss him back. I thought of Mikuo and the true love he had freely shown me. He didn't tell me he would be deactivated. Maybe he was afraid to hurt me. Maybe he loved me that much. Or maybe he didn't love me at all.
But there was no chance Len loved me. Every kiss he planted on my willing lips was fake. But, I was almost okay with that...
He only held me and kissed my face. Eventually, I held him back.
He was accompanying me to Crypton to explain my situation to Master and properly get it resolved. We sat in the waiting room in silence and the workers didn't even attempt to tell Len to stay behind. They knew he wouldn't listen anyway. When Master came in, Len stood up and explained calmly what Gakupo had been doing to me and how it was effecting my singing and performing abilities. Master seemed a little shocked but not very, agreeing to send Gakupo back on tour elsewhere. I felt a wave of relief wash through me upon hearing this and rested my head on Len's shoulder in a silent "thank you."
Master told me to stay so he could make sure everything in my system was still running properly. When he left, Len turned to me and kissed me, his eyes showing no emotion. I blinked but wrapped my arms around his neck. I saw something blue through the window.
It was Mikuo. He had walked by at that moment and stood there, staring dumbly. I stared back and my eyes widened. He was here; he wasn't gone.
Len turned and looked at him, sending an expression I didn't catch. Mikuo flinched away before hurrying out of our line of sight. He looked...broken. I didn't know what to feel. It took me a moment to realize I should go after him and explain. He refused to look at me or touch me. I explained how Len told me he was deactivated, but it didn't seem like he was listening to me. His hand swiped across his red cheeks and wrapped defensively around himself. When I tried to step closer to him, the punch I received send a wave of pain up the side of my face and I knew he had broken something. I fell to my knees and faintly remember him being dragged away by guards. It seemed that my body had a sensor to this sort of pain because it numbed a moment later.
Len gathered me into his arms and took me to a familiar stained white room where they immediately began the also familiar physical exam. I was assisted in the removal of my clothing and hands poked and prodded at my body, starting from my feet to my head. When they got to my jaw, it took them a moment to figure out where it was broken before I was powered down to be fixed.
I woke up and looked at the sleeping boy next to me. Had he really stayed here? I wondered why he had lied to me about Mikuo. It didn't matter now, however. What's done is done.
I got up silently and got dressed. I was pleasantly surprised to find no mark whatsoever on my face from the punch. Len stirred behind me and yawned, stretching his arms out. He walked to me and wrapped his arms around me.
"Let's go home," he said, yawning again. I just nodded and followed behind him.
He held me on the ride home. This was so familiar; this feeling of feeling loved by him was stronger than ever. But, I knew that those feelings would only deceive me. Why was I thinking this way? Don't I hate him?
He kissed me and I let him. I wanted more from him and I knew he wanted more from me.
Mikuo came home the next day. I tried to stay away from him, but it seemed like he couldn't even recognize me. He didn't look at any of us; he only spoke kind words to Miku who in turn began to cry.
She told me Crypton had taken the emotional part of his programming away to ensure things like what happened to me wouldn't happen to people who could sue and possibly win a great deal of money. So, he was just a singing robot now. That's fine; Gakupo was gone just like Master said he would be. I was safe; I didn't need anyone else to protect me.
Mikuo packed and left as quickly as he came back. I admit...I missed that comfort of knowing exactly what he was thinking all the time. Len was like a closed book with ten locks.
Len would now sing with me again. I didn't know what to call our relationship. I knew now how he acted was how he really was. Sometimes he would smile to make the others happy; but for the most part he didn't wear a constant mask like I did.
We sang many duets in our free time. We were Vocaloids; we were programmed to enjoy singing. No matter what I lost, I would always have my voice. I thought I was better than all of them anyway. Miku and Rin had annoying high voices. Though their voices were derived from the same source, Len's voice was definitely not like Rin's. Luka's voice was weak and Meiko couldn't hold much of a pitch. Kaito's voice was fine, but I thought mine was better. I thought maybe it was better than Len's. I thought I could become more popular than the others.
It was only during public events did I realize I wasn't rid of Gakupo completely. He was still part of our group; he came to rehearsals and never failed to send me weird looks behind the others' backs. Len noticed and would hold me protectively. It made me smile genuinely; I had someone to protect me. Who would give a Vocaloid a sword anyway?
In public, Len held my hand and kissed my face in front of others purposely. "Do you mean it?" I would ask him. "Or did Master tell you to do it?" He would always respond, "I asked Master to do it."
I was dragged along to shopping trips once again, only this time, I dragged Len along with me. We sat together while the girls tried on dresses and tried to get me to try on said dresses. When I refused, they tried to get Len to try on said dresses and to my surprise, he humoured them multiple times. It was unlike him but it made the girls more than happy.
I looked over and glanced at a young girl admiring a dress in the mirror. Her hair was a vibrant shade of red and fell straight down her back. My eyes widened slightly; I recognized her. It was the same boy from those dreams and visions I had so long ago. My breath became ragged with panic; I thought I was rid of him for good. He looked at me through my reflection in the mirror and smirked. He made no move towards me and instead purchased a dress and left the shop. Len looked over at me and noticed the panicked expression on my face. He took my hand and squeezed it gently, and I looked at him with wide eyes.
"I saw Ritsu," I whispered. His eyes narrowed a bit before looking back at the girls. "I want to go home," I said more desperately.
I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day. I would never be completely rid of the people who hated me. It was impossible.
I swear Ritsu followed us around. I saw flashes of the same red hair multiple times in a crowd and I just stood in between Len and the girls. I thought I was going to throw up.
I came home that night to find a note left on my bed. It was a threatening note that definitely came from a purple samurai. I spent the night sitting in front of the toilet with Len's hand rubbing my back softly. He kissed the back of my neck and held me when I sobbed. Part of it was frustration for having to deal with this, and also for not being able to stop myself from crying in front of him. I did act like a girl.
He held me tightly and didn't let go. It was comforting, but I also felt sick for relying on someone so unreliable and unpredictable.
I woke up the next day in Len's bed with his warm body pressed up to mine. For a brief moment I wondered how we ended up like this. He couldn't stand me for the longest time and now this. Now he was here holding me to his chest like I had been a deep lover for years...
Kaito pulled me aside during rehearsal and narrowed his eyes. He looked hurt beyond what I've seen before.
"Do what I have to do, eh?" he growled bitterly.
"He likes me better," I yawned. "I'm sorry. That's not my fault." Kaito looked like he wanted to hit me.
"He was mine before you came and took him," he said harshly, grabbing the front of my shirt. "I hate you."
"You and many."
He slapped me but didn't look satisfied enough. There were tears in his eyes and his cheeks were flushed with anger. He slapped me again and became more and more furious when I wouldn't show emotion. Sadly, I had been hit too many times to feel much pain from a half-assed slap. He slammed me against the wall before being unable to contain the choked sobs in his throat. He politely excused himself before running out and slamming the door behind himself.
My expression went blank as I slid to the floor. My cheek stung from the multiple slaps. I heard the door open and thought it would be Len, but I was seized by strong arms and slammed back against the wall. The samurai's lips pressed against my own forcefully and his nails dug into my arms. I was too afraid to struggle or cry out. He did have a sword after all. His tongue pried my lips open and wrestled with my own. I became completely submissive through this; I was far too afraid of him to resist.
"I love you," he whispered in my ear when cries escaped my lips. I was surprised no one heard me. I suppose the singing was too loud.
It took me a while to regain composure when he was done with me and left. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I tried to get dressed. When the door opened, I was sure it was someone else to beat the shit out of me and I didn't bother looking.
"Hey, Piko," a female voice said softly behind me. I turned around quickly and the faintest smile spread across my worn out face.
"Gumi..." I sighed and tried to get my body to relax. She immediately could see what was wrong. Her expression turned furious as she pulled me into a bear hug and messed my hair up.
"I'll beat the crap out of him," she said in attempts to make me feel better. I just nodded and let myself relax.
We stayed together all day. She told me she and the rest were sent back on tour in Japan by popular demand. She told me how annoying Miki had been recently. She told me about the English language that had weird sounds and made no sense to her. She didn't ask me how I had been purposely which I was quite thankful for. I didn't want to tell her what she already knew.
We spent the day locked in my plain room playing video games and watching shows. Len seemed to realize what was wrong after Gumi rudely telling him I didn't want to see anyone else at the door. I told her it was alright but Len just shook his head and walked away.
"He's alright now," I said softly. "I mean, I..."
She stared at me before cracking a smile. "That emotionless thing?" I smiled and nodded. "Oh, really? I don't think I've seen his expression change since I've met him."
"Yeah, he's like that," I yawned, laying back. "Are you staying the night?"
"No, but I'll definitely beat the crap out of that disgusting eggplant thing on my way back." She got up and gathered her things. She looked around the room before looking back at me. "You haven't been in here much, have you?"
I shook my head and pointed to the wall my room shared with Len's. She grinned before messing my hair up again. "Next week?" she asked. I nodded in agreement and told her to give me warning before she shows up.
We had rehearsal every day, which meant I saw Gakupo every day. I just had to stay close to someone when he was around. If I was alone, I would probably be caught.
I've begun to hate when people say they love me. It brings back bad memories.
Len kissed me in front of the others once, probably to show his dominance over me. His eyes narrowed in the direction of Gakupo who's expression remained the same. I just stood there dumbly and unmoving while his lips pressed harder to mine. I hope it kept Gakupo away. Kaito seemed to be the only one who looked angry. Miku and Rin squealed in delight at Len's gestured and nearly tackled the two of us to the ground. Len smiled and told them that he just couldn't resist. I knew he did it for me, but I wasn't sure what the outcome if this would be. I didn't know if Gakupo would take it as competition or if Kaito would think I was stealing Len from him once again. Hey, I didn't ask him to do that. Well, I suppose I was flattered...
Our next big concert was coming up and not a day was wasted. I stared at all the costumes I would have to wear instead of my usual uniform and something else.
The producers wanted to try something new (which ended up being horrible for me). They were replacing Len with me in a song that I was supposed to sing with Gakupo and Kaito, the two people who bother me the most. That was probably one of the worst practice experiences I had ever been through. Kaito glared at me like I was a bug he needed to stomp on but was too afraid, and Gakupo just stared at me. In the moves I had to touch them in, I made sure not to look at either of the two men who were twice my size. I hated them. They were the two most annoying and frustrating people I had ever had the displeasure of meeting.
I had two duets with Len this time and one with Miku. I also had two solos. I was a bit surprised how little solos Miku had this time. Perhaps they realized she isn't as great as they all thought she was. I thought she was one of the worst.
Every time we practiced the tension between the two men and I became worse and worse. Len always stayed during my practices with them. I knew nothing good would come out of being left alone with them. I felt stupid for not being able to protect myself from them.
I overheard Kaito confessing his love to Len that night. My hand was on the door nob about to walk in when I heard it. His voice was sad and lonely and I heard a soft sob after Len spoke. 'Probably rejecting him,' I thought. Wrong.
I wouldn't even want to explain the noise that emanated from the wall I shared with Len. At one point, my weak stomach couldn't handle it anymore and I spent the rest of the night sitting in the bathroom sobbing alone.
"I only love you when you're screaming," he told me a few days back. I heard multiple "I love you's" from the room that night. I soon realized how wrong I was to think that I was actually Len's. That he was mine. What an idiot I had been; I almost couldn't believe what a girl I had become (the very thing I'd been trying to stray away from).
He practiced with me like nothing was wrong and I kept a tighter, more relaxed mask on my face. I pretended like I didn't hear what I heard and that I didn't know what I knew. He kissed me sometimes and I stood there and smiled like everything was normal
I missed feeling secure again.
Sorry for longer waits between updates. I want to make longer chapters but by the end of making them I'm like ;A; I WANNA POST DAMN IT. So yeah c:
Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, by the way ;A; They really inspire me not to procrastinate and to keep writing ;_;
I don't think this will go on much longer, but I'm probably gonna write one with a better plot XD (since this is basically DRAMADRAMADRAMA)
