Chapter 7: A worldwide fake fur famine
Disclaimer: If you don't know by now then you never will. Don't own nothing.
Dedication: To all the people what are reading this.
Authors note: Whoops. Accidentally didn't update for a long time. I would come up with some excuse, but I don't really have one. Yes, the school stuff did get in the way for a while, but mostly I was just being incredibly lazy. Shame on me.
Kiss me where the sun don't shine, the past was yours but the future's mine, you're all out of time.
Saturday 20th August
On some train somewhere
9:35am
Magic world, here we come! We, the Ace Gang, are currently on some rickety old train heading towards London. The train looks like it was built in the 1950's and is full of families with small children, but at least there are none of the elderly mad in the carriage. Besides, we all have lots of money from various parents, supposedly to be spent on school stuff but we know better.
9:44am
The ticket man came around to check all our tickets. He was like a train version of Elvis Attwood, complete with foolish hat. Although I doubt his Michael Jackson impression can rival Elvis's.
When he reached our seats Ro-Ro said 'Phwoooaar' very loudly and we all went into uncontrollable sniggering.
He was particularly suspicious of our tickets after that. He spent many a minute (well, two) trying to find fault with Rosie's ticket, but eventually went grumbling off to bother other people.
I said to the gang, 'I don't think the elderly mad should be allowed to work with the general public'.
Jas said, 'That's not really fair though. He's probably got senile dementia and anyway, he's not harming anyone, is he?'
I was about to respond when the train went around a particularly sharp corner and Ticket Elvis fell into the lap of a rather large woman six seats away. He couldn't get back up for a good five minutes.
I said to Jas, 'I rest my case'.
9:52am
Train Elvis had managed to distract me from the Robbie malarky for a few minutes, but now I am as full of confusiosity as ever. Does he like me? He said that he loved me, but then he walked off. What does it all mean?
9:53am
I'll tell you what it means. It means I was a Nazi in a previous life, and God is still punishing me.
9:55am
Actually, scrap that. If I had been German in a previous life, I wouldn't find everything Herr Kamyer says so utterly hilarious.
9:57am
Still confused, so I thought I would ask my besty mate Jas for advice. In a subtle way, though, so she doesn't think I just want to talk about myself.
I offered her a piece of Dairy Milk and asked her, 'Jas, has Hunky – Tom – said anything interesting recently?'
Jas fiddled with her fringe and said, 'It's funny you should ask, actually. Just yesterday we were talking about global warming-'
Oh Christ. If I wanted to talk about how the entire planet is buggered I would watch the news. Instead, I very patiently said, 'Yes, that is all very interesting, acid rain, melty ice and so on, but has he mentioned anything else, a bit closer to home?'
Jas said, 'Well, we went looking for badger footprints in the woods the other day, and-'
I was about to strangle her when Rosie, who was sitting across the table drawing her Viking wedding outfit on a napkin, said 'Jas, she wants to know if Tom has said anything about Robbie.'
Jas huffed for a bit and eventually said, 'He hasn't spoken to Robbie much recently. He said Robbie's been out looking for a job.'
I said, 'So he's back for good then?'
Jas nodded. I don't know what to think. I don't even know if I'm happy or sad. Once again I am on the rack of love and full of confusiosity. Still, at least I have chocolate.
10:30am
So here we are in le Londres, capitale de Royaume-Uni. Fantastic.
I said to the gang, 'Where now?'
Jools said, 'We wander around looking for a leaky bucket.'
Jazzy Spazzy said, 'No, we're looking for a pub called the Leaky Cauldron. It's near Charing Cross Road.'
I said, 'Where's that then?'
We all looked around. Mabs said, 'I think it's left.'
We all looked left. There was an office block.
'Maybe it's right,' said Ro-Ro. To the right there was a street. We went right.
11:45am
After a million hours of wandering around London we eventually asked someone for directions to Charing Cross Road. It took three attempts; the first man thought we were going to mug him and the second didn't speak a single word of English.
I said to the gang, 'Where now?'
Jas was the only one who seemed to have bothered reading the books, so it was left to her to show the way. I was a bit worried in case she spotted a piece of fungus on the floor and we had to stop for a week while she watched it, but surprisingly enough she managed to lead us to some old, run down pub.
11:50am
We went inside the pub. To say that this place leads to the biggest wizarding-shopping place in England, I was not entirely impressed. In fact, it reminded me all too much of the pub we once went to with Uncle Eddie, where he and Vati did their excellent (not) ABBA impersonation.
I said to Jazzy Spazzy, 'We can see a dingy pub anywhere in England, where are the shops?'
She led us out into a tiny little courtyard with nothing but a couple of bins and something that might once have been a rat. Rosie said to me, 'This place is ever-so-slightly crap. Let's forget the magic world and go shopping instead.'
Jas said, 'No, the shops are just through this wall.'
We all looked at her as if she had grown an extra head.
I said to her, 'Jas, that is a solid brick wall, and besides, it's too high to climb.'
Jas said, 'No, we just have to touch the bricks in a certain order.'
I rolled my eyes. This was unbelievable. Yes, at home the town is full of chavs and the elderly mad, but at least we don't have to stroke bricks to go shopping.
Ten minutes laterAfter half a year of Jas poking bricks the rest of us were getting decidedly bored. In fact we had all sat down on the manky cobbles and were contemplating having a picnic with the three bars of chocolate we had left from the train.
'Jas, stop trying to get through the wall and have a piece of Dairy Milk.' I was being very generous, since there were only four pieces left. However once again my kindness and generosity was completely ignored, so I don't think I'll bother again.
Five minutes later
The rest of us got so bored of waiting that we came up with a plan.
Rosie said, 'The wall's not really that high. If I stood on somebody's shoulders I could probably hop over it.'
Mabs said, 'Yeah, but then what?'
Rosie said, 'There are people on the other side of the wall. They could probably open it.'
I said, 'Rosie, you would have just jumped over a ten-foot wall. It's a whole new world in there. They'd probably arrest you.'
Another five minutes later
Jas still hadn't come up with anything sensible to say and I could feel the will to live draining away, so it was decided that Rosie would climb over the wall. Unfortunately this meant her standing on mine and Jools's shoulders, but luckily she was wearing jeans so there was no repeat of the whole 'stalking-Masimo-in-the-almost-nuddypants' fandango.
To get onto our shoulders she first had to climb onto one of the bins, which took about half an hour. After that she stepped onto our shoulders. Not a fun moment.
I said, 'Rosie, is there any chance you could hurry up? My shoulders weren't entirely designed to take your weight.'
She yelled back at me, 'Just be grateful it's me and not Slim!'
I said to Jools, 'Why in the name of Beelzebub would Slim be here?'
But she didn't reply.
Two minutes later
Jas asked Rosie, 'Can you see anything?'
Rosie yelled, 'Cor blimey O'Reilley! There's bloody Shrek down there!'
Jools said to me, 'Maybe that's why Slim would be here.' And we both went into a complete laughing spaz.
Rosie yelled down at us, 'Stop jiggling, you cream-faced loons!' which made us laugh even harder.
Thirty seconds later
The door behind us burst open and we all jumped like a herd of salmon. Me and Jools sprang away from the wall, leaving Rosie hanging there. Mabs and Ellen jumped up from the floor, and even Jas left the bricks alone for a moment. Standing in the doorway was a guy about our age. He was rather good-looking, but not really my type. Then again, I have had enough heartbreakosity to last me a lifetime.
The guy stared at us. We stared back at him. Except for Ro-Ro, who was still hanging on the wall. After about five years of staring, he eventually spoke.
'Are you alright?'
I raised my eyebrows at that. Rosie was hanging off a wall and it was quite obvious that we weren't having a picnic by the bins through choice.
Then I realised that several lifetimes had passed since anybody had spoken, and the guy was giving us all rather strange looks. Since nobody else looked as though they were about to say something sane anytime soon, I took charge.
'Ah, yes, we're all fine, thank you. In fact we were just about to go shopping, but there's a wall in the way.'
The guy laughed.
'You're new to this world, aren't you? Look, it's simple really. You've just got to tap the bricks in the right order.'
I nodded wisely, even though he was talking absolute bollocks. As soon as he'd turned to poke stones I glanced back at the gang, who all shrugged at me. Then the wall opened up and the guy led us through.
'Welcome to Diagon Alley. You'll find most of the shops you need for Hogwarts on this street.'
I looked around. It seemed rather old fashioned, and the people were wearing those weird robe things that that Dumbledore bloke had worn, but apart from that it seemed relatively normal.
'I'd better get going now, I need to meet up with some people. I'll see you all in September.' He waved at us, and then made to leave.
Ellen called after him, 'What's your name?'
'Neville. Neville Longbottom.'
And then he was gone.
I turned to the gang.
'Bloody hell.'
12:30pm
Ellen, Mabs and Jools have not shut up about Neville. Yes, he was surprisingly groovy-looking, but really, it ends there. He has none of that je ne sais quoi that Masimo had and Robbie still has (the gits).
12:31pm
Damn and blast, I had been trying not to think about either of them. Still utterly, utterly full of confusiosity. Why did Robbie go off like that?
12:40pm
We went to the bank, to get all our money changed into something we can actually use in this world. It broke my heart to see all those tenners replaced with something heavy and metal and relatively useless. Also, these wizards don't appear to have invented good old paper money, meaning my bag weighs a bloody tonne.
The bank was quite an experience in itself, actually. It was run by midgety goblin things for starters.
Ellen said, 'Blimey, they look like something out of Harry Potter.'
We all just looked at her, until she realised what she'd said.
The building was about twelve miles long. According to popular belief, to get money out you have to travel on a sort of rollercoaster ride to the vaults where the money is kept. Seems like a bit of a waste of time to me. Clearly they have never heard of a cash machine?
Anyways, now that we are rich (sort of), it is time to hit the shops.
I said to Jas, 'What's first?'
She looked at the list and said, 'School uniform.' Which is good, because finally we are going to a school that doesn't require us to wear a stupid French hat every day.
1:18pm
Oh my God.
I have spent almost every day of Stalag 14 moaning about the uniform and having to wear the stupid beret all the stupid time. I never once realised just how lucky we were. Yes, Slim and Hawkeye were always moaning at us for rolling our skirts over, and the white shirts weren't the most flattering of clothes, but at least it was somewhat human, and we could make it look almost good.
We have to wear robes. Robes, I tell thee. And for those of you who are not in the know, robes just so happen to be quite possibly the single most unflattering item of clothing known to mankind, with the possible exception of the poncho, the anorak and the dungaree (or overall, as they say across the pond).
Anyway, this new school uniform is quite nasty. As far as I can tell, robes are pretty much like a dress, only much less pretty. And I don't care what the woman in the shop said; I refuse to believe that boys wear them as well.
Rosie said to me, 'At least at Stalag 14 we could roll up our skirts. How on earth do you roll up a robe?'
I said, 'There will be no showing a bit of knee to cheer up the nation in times of trouble now. Nobody will even be able to see our ankles.'
Jas said, 'Perhaps they're like the Victorians.'
We all turned and stared at her.
I said, 'What, they behead people?'
Jas said, 'That was the Tudors. In the Victorian period the women weren't allowed to show the men their ankles.'
What is she, a walking history book? It is very hard to care about old Queen Vic when we have a fashion emergency on our hands.
Jools said, 'At least no-one knows us at Hogwarts.' Which is a small comfort in these terrible times.
Anyway, we must look on the bright side of life. This new (crap) uniform means that we will be able to spend many a happy hour plotting ways to make the pointy hat look slightly less ridiculous.
Ten minutes later'What now?'
Jas looked at the list again.
'We need to get books, magic wands, cauldrons and ingredients.'
Magic wands sounded the least boring, so off we went.
Thirty minutes later
We went into the magic wand shop. The sign on the door said 'Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 BC.'
Rosie said to me, 'Blimey, he must be nearly as old as Slim.'
Upon seeing the Ollivander bloke I had to admit that she was not wrong. Not only did he look like he should be dead, he was also rather creepy. And he must've had about a million wands in that place. I think we must've tried at least a hundred between us, before he let us leave.
To be honest I think the Ollivander man was glad to get rid of us. I don't know why. Yes, Rosie smashed the window and Ellen set fire to a chair, but neither of them did it on purpose, and other than that I think we did relatively well.
2:04pm
My wand is made of some tree and a piece of some animal. I was going to tell the bloke that I was vegetarian and a wand made of animals was against my beliefs, but I couldn't be arsed. Also, for all I know they could eat vegetarians here.
2:10pm
After the wand fandango we decided to get our books, figuring that it would be a great deal less dangerous. In theory, anyways.
2:25pm
Once in the bookshop we all split up to browse around. Jas was looking for something about fungus, Ro-Ro was looking for something Swedish for Sven, and I wanted to find a book that would tell me how to turn Wet Lindsay into an octopus. Not that there would be any real difference, I suppose, but it would be fun to try. Besides, I had to get away from Jools and Ellen and Mabs, who are still blithering on about how fit Neville was. Well, Jools and Mabs were talking; Ellen was dithering for England.
2:40pm
How fabby is this? There is an entire aisle devoted to turning people into stuff! Like animals, or stones.
2:45pm
I found the book about turning people into octopi. Is that the plural of octopus? Octopuses sounds slightly wrong. And cactus becomes cacti, not cactuses. Then again, octopuses and cactuses are hardly the same thing.
Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted (by myself). Yes, it looked bloody difficult. Took about a trillion years and none of the words were written in English. Typical.
2:55pm
Oh rats, I have accidentally wandered into the section about love potions and charms. Talk about rubbing it in. Everything is pink, flashy and very irritating. Clearly this is not the place for somebody who has been burned by the iron of love as often as I have.
2:56pm
I was just counting my unblessings when I was distracted by Rosie barging into the aisle with a rather heavy-looking book stuck to her head.
I know I shouldn't've, but I just had to ask.
Turns out she was looking at a giant furry book for Sven (of course. Even when he's not here he still manages to make everything go completely insane). Anyways, the book attached itself to her hair.
2:58pm
After I'd stopped laughing Rosie made me try to pull the book off. I was a bit reluctant to go near it – it had fangs, for chrissakes – but after all, I think it was Jesus who said 'a friend in need is a friend indeed', or something utterly pointless like that.
2:59pm
This is ridiculous. The book will not come off. It is firmly stuck to her head.
I said to Rosie, 'It doesn't really matter, this world is full of freaks. You'll fit right in.'
Luckily I was saved from her (probably violent) response by Jazzy Spazzy walking into the aisle.
3:04pm
Me and Jas trying to get the furry book off Rosie's head by hitting it with other books. This plan is not entirely working, but it's bloody funny.
3:13pm
Drat and bugger. One of the shop assistants saw Jas and me hitting Rosie's head with the books and has kicked all three of us out of the shop. I feel like a common hooligan.
3:15pm
I said to Jas and Rosie, 'It's a bit unfair, kicking us out like that.'
Rosie said, 'I know. How were we supposed to know the books were valuable?'
I said, 'This entire world is seriously lacking a sense of humour.'
3:45pm
Jools, Mabs and Ellen had to get all our books for us. I am sooo humiliated.
Ish.
4:10pm
After the book disaster we only have ingredients left to buy, so we are heading to an 'apothecary', whatever that is.
4:22pm
I'll tell you what it is; it's another name for the most foul-smelling place on earth. Except for possibly our airing cupboard.
4:25pm
I have been trying not to breathe too much while in this place. They have all sorts of crazy things in here. Liver, kidneys, eyeballs, hearts, from about a million different species. It's like dissection club gone crazy.
Not that we ever had a dissection club at our school, but it is the sort of thing that normal people at normal schools do. Probably.
Anyway, this entire shop is beyond disgusting. I may never complain about Angus leaving dead things in my bedroom again.
4:30pm
I was quite alarmed to see Rosie showing particular interest in a dragon liver.
4:37pm
It took the combined efforts of the entire Ace Gang to persuade Rosie out of buying the dragon liver.
4:40pm
I said to Jools, 'Remember the one time we did dissection in blodge? And the Bummer Twins got suspended for three days for putting a kidney in Nauseating P. Greens pencil case?'
Jools said, 'The look on her face as she opened the case will be with me until I die.'
Those were the good old days.
4:45pm
We have finally finished getting everything, thank God. I will not be coming back here in a hurry. This entire place is just too weird.
5:45pm
We managed to find the train station again. Well, I say 'we', I really mean Jas. She went out and got a map and then led us to the station. And you know what? We only got lost four times.
On the train again
5:55pm
Christ, I'm bored, and we only left the station five minutes ago. I suppose that it doesn't help that it is raining, so we can see bugger all out the window. Typical British summertime. So much for global warming.
6:05pm
Rosie has got some cards out. She wanted to play poker, but none of us have a clue how to play that game.
She said, 'What about rummy?'
I said, 'We haven't got any rum.'
Jools said, 'What about blackjack?' But none of us have heard of it.
Ellen suggested 'go fish', and even Jas joined in to suggest Cheat. But none of us have the faintest idea how to play half of these games.
6:15pm
Playing snap.
6:30pm
The ticket-man has asked us to keep our voices down. Apparently we are 'disturbing the peace and tranquility of the carriage'. I tried very hard not to laugh in his face.
Playing Pairs instead.
6:40pm
A rather large man has just sat on Mabs and Ellen's table, effectively cutting off all conversation. Typical. People can be so rude.
6:45pm
He has fallen asleep!
6:50pm
Rosie has just pulled out some of the comedy theatrical fake fur!
I had to ask, 'Rosie, why on Earth are you carrying fake fur around?'
Ro-Ro raised one eyebrow and said 'We must never forget the Boy Scout Motto.'
I said, 'What exactly does carrying fake fur prepare you for? Apart from a worldwide fake fur famine?'
Ro-Ro said, 'Don't be silly Gee, although you make a good point about the worldwide fake fur famine. I carry the fur so that I am prepared for any comedy opportunity that should present itself.'
6:55pm
Rosie has just stuck some fake fur onto the man. He now has a giant comedy moustache. We all went into a complete laughing spaz, only quietly, as we didn't want him to wake up.
7:00pm
We have arrived! Home sweet home!
The man woke up as we were getting off the train. I heard him say in a somewhat confused and dazed way, 'Why is there a moustache on my head?'
7:05pm
We were just walking out of the station when four guys jumped out at us. I screamed my head off, but it was only Dave the Laugh, Tom, Rollo and Sven.
Oh God, what was I going to say to Dave? The last time I saw him I was blubbing into the front of his shirt after Masimo had cruelly broken my heart.
7:06pm
What are the chances of Dave forgetting the blubbing incident?
7:06pm and ten seconds
About minus twelve, given that it was only about a week ago.
What am I going to say to him?
7:07pm
I don't have to worry about saying anything at the moment. Ellen is dithering over Dave like a dithering thing on dithering pills. It is almost embarrassing, the way she has so little pridenosity.
7:30pm
The rest of the gang have disappeared and it is just me and Dave. Even Ellen realised that she lives in the complete opposite direction to me and has walked home with Jools and Rollo and Mabs.
I am slightly nervy. Neither of us have said anything since we left Jas and Tom. Admittedly, that was only a minute ago, but it's still weird. Normally I can talk to Dave about anything.
7:31pm
Dave did linky-upsies with me and said, 'So, Kittykat, how are you then? Last time I saw you, you were blubbing into my shirt. It took three washes to get the mascara out.'
Bugger.
I gave Dave a 'look', and he stopped grinning and went all serious.
'So what happened with the Italian prat then? You'd better have dumped him, because you deserve much better.'
Bless him. He can be so sweet. He's such a good mate. I ended up telling him everything. About dumping Masimo and Robbie telling me he loved me and then walking off. I even told him about the immense confusiosity that I am going through right now.
7:38pm
'…and I don't even know what to do about Robbie, because I still fancy the pants off him. And he says that he loves me, which is quite a big thing, but I don't know if I'm in love with him.'
Dave looked at me and said all seriously, 'If you were in love with somebody, you'd know.'
I nodded along, even though quite frankly I don't believe him. If I fall in love with anybody, I will naturally be the last to know.
Oooh, does this mean that Dave has fallen in love with somebody? Maybe it's Emma. Maybe they're going out again. Ellen will be heartbroken.
We were just turning into my street when Dave said, 'If I were you, I'd decide what to do about Robbie soon.'
I said, 'Why's that?'
Dave pointed. 'He's standing outside your house, that's why.' And he gave me a quick hug and then left me all on my ownsome.
Oh God, what was I going to say to Robbie? Asides from the usual 'nnnngghhh' that seems to replace normal speech whenever I am around him. I could already feel the jelloid-ness beginning to sink in. Bugger.
Robbie saw me and said, "Hi Georgia.'
Dammit, he was still as gorgey as ever. This isn't fair.
Then I realised that I hadn't said anything. It didn't seem to matter though, as Robbie pulled out a bunch of flowers from behind him and gave them to me.
Red roses. Very snazzy. I was momentarily gobsmacked. Nobody has ever got me flowers before. Unless you count the time that Libby dug up a bunch of daffodils from the garden and put them in my bed. But that quite obviously doesn't count.
Robbie said, 'I'm sorry about the other day. It was just a bit of a shock, that's all. But I love you Georgia. Being on the other side of the world didn't change how I feel about you, and being north of the border won't change it either.'
Blimey O'Reilly, this was getting a bit romantic. It took a great deal of self-control not to just snog him on the spot. But no, we had been through this all before, and it resulted in muchos heartbreak and crying on my part. I don't want to go through all that again.
I said, 'I'm leaving in less than two weeks, and I won't be back til Christmas. It didn't work last time. What if it's the same this time?'
Robbie took both of my hands in his, and said, 'Me and Tom have been talking about it. He doesn't want to be apart from Jas until Christmas either, so we'll come and visit you and Jas all the time. We'll drive up as often as we can.'
Crikey. He was going to drive all the way to Och-Aye-Land just to see me! This was like we were practically married!
'So what do you say, Georgia? Will you be my girlfriend?'
I said in a sophisticated and dignified way, 'nnngghhhh.'
I could see Robbie trying not to laugh. I couldn't trust my brain not to say anything stupid, so I nodded instead. Robbie gave me the most hugest grin ever. He has the most gorgeous smile. And then he kissed me (number four). Blimey, I had forgotten what a great kisser he is. Yummy scrumboes, and also scrummy yumboes. I think my brain may have slightly dropped out, but nevermind. The important bit is that I have my very own Sex God back, and he loves me!
Thank you baby Jesus. I will never doubt you again.
Amen.
Note:
This is the eleventh page. I am shocked. The last time I wrote anything eleven pages long, it was general studies coursework and it was completely crap.
Anyways, here's hoping that at least some of you enjoyed it.
