Title: Never Ending Evergreen
Author: DnKS – giRLs
Rating: T (now we get it right in standard, yay!)
Pairing: TezuFuji
Disclaimers: first, The Prince of Tennis is not, has not been, and will never be ours. Second, this story was inspired by the sweet romantic story "La Dame aux Camélias", which, sadly, is not, has not been and will never be ours. It shall belong to its respective owner, Alexandre Dumas, forever. Now… what do we own!
Warning: AU, a bit of …. over romantic and OOC (sigh…)
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You say you once lov'd me, and lov'd me to madness,
But ah! Are you sure you felt as you said?
Or could you, unmov'd, see me thus plung'd in sadness;
Unmov'd, could you see all my feelings betray'd?
(Alas! Forgive Me by Charlotte Dacre)
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Chapter 6 – Talk
How much did I love Fuji Shuusuke? If you asked me, I would surely answer that I loved him more than word express. I loved him then, and I love him still. I had no doubt that I loved him, but that love that I felt was the very cause why I could not bring myself to face him.
His message came to me very clearly the next morning after our midnight 'incident'. I had no time wondering from where he got my number. As far as I knew, I was greeted by a text messages that spelled directly from the screen of my cell phone the words saying 'Please come to my room tonight - Shuusuke -'.
He wanted me to come to his room, I snorted. Well, maybe he wanted to break up with me or something…
And suddenly, my heart was filled with anger. The mere idea of him leaving me and my love for him was not something I can contend with so easily. He could not just cast me away like that. It was too cruel of a thing for him to do. I knew that if I did not release him, I would be the one cruel to him, but I cared less. He was mine and I didn't want him to go away from me. I did not want to be hurt, I would never let myself get hurt, even if in doing that I had to hurt somebody else in the process, even if in doing that I had to wound the one I loved the most.
Therefore it was no such of a big surprise if I shoved the thought of ever coming to his room to the back of my head. Whatever things he wanted to say, he might say them but I wouldn't hear any of those. I wanted to hear no excuse; I wanted to hear no explanation
I just wanted to run and disappear and think that all those things were no more.
But I just knew how the world hated me so, for I could not live that day without the name of Fuji Shuusuke spoken to me whether it was by my own subconscious mind or somebody else who happened to be my friend. I could almost stand it no more. It had already been some sort of miracle that none of my classes that day matched with Atobe's thus it was quite easy for me to manage not to see him. I did not know what I should say to him if I were to see him.
Though I did never even once meet him that day, there were still words about Fuji spoken to me until I thought it was plainly a cruel torture in a form or another. And when, during the lunch time, Oshitari Yuushi, the same person who had once, though indirectly, triggered my meeting with Fuji and our getting together afterwards suddenly spoke about Fuji, I thought I had had enough.
"I did not expect to see you here today," he said casually to me when we were seated in front of each other facing our meals in the rather empty students' cafeteria. "I thought you would surely go to the main library."
"And why should I?" I asked.
"Because Fuji Shuusuke was there."
"Ah, he was there?"
"Yes."
"Alone?" I asked further.
"No, he's with some of his friends," Oshitari smirked. "You don't have to get jealous though, I could say that he treated them no more than mere acquaintances."
"That's none of my concern," I said, knowing very well where this conversation was heading to.
I saw him laugh and say, "Do not even you try to deny that. I know that you're his lover now."
"Who told you that?"
"Everyone with eyes can see such an evident fact," he said with gentle smile. "I give you my congratulation, my dear friend, he is a great person to be together with, I have already proven that myself. It's not everybody who has the chance so stick with him for I'm convinced he will surely do you credit."
That simple reflection I had from Oshitari put my mind to another state of thinking. I recalled my earlier conversation that I had with Atobe some days prior. I remembered how Atobe had said that no matter what kind of living Fuji had been leading, he would never cheat on someone whom he took as his lover. And was I not his lover then? Should I believe that simple statement and let that awkward moment we shared the previous night as some kind of misunderstanding?
I thought so hard until finally I dared myself to ask, "Were you his lover once?"
He knotted the fingers of his both hands as if thinking, "I was, indeed."
"Why did you break up with him?"
I saw Oshitari stilled but as fast as a blink of an eye, he maintained his composure back to the normal self. "I had my reason," he said. His eyes were calculating me and he snickered. "But I assure you it was not because of any third party like what those cheap romance novels always said when they were talking about a reason of why two people who were in a time together suddenly broke up."
Hearing his words I frowned, "And why did you believe I thought it was because of someone else that the two of you broke up?"
He smiled, "You should go now; he was waiting for you."
It was strange but I did not feel any irritation at his somewhat brave proposal for me to search for Fuji. I even felt somewhat assured at his calm and to some extent warm suggestion and nearly ten minutes afterward, I had already found myself standing inside the grand building of our main library with my eyes busy searching a figure I had so much loved.
But I could not see him anywhere. Though I had searched even to the most remote part of the building, still I could see nothing of his presence to satisfy my interest. I then remembered his text message that inquired me to meet him that night. I had my doubts whether to come to his room at that very moment or should I wait for the night to come. In the end, I chose the latter and thought that maybe I could use some of my time resting in my own room since I happened to have no class for the rest of that day.
What I had never expected was to see Fuji standing before the very door that lead to my room. But there he was, standing calmly before me when I was about to go entering my room. I could speak no words; I was just standing there, trying my best to keep my face indifferent. He too said none at first. We were just staring at each other, assessing each other, measuring each other without even bothering to say something as a form of greeting.
I didn't know how long we just stood there, unmoved, as if we were held by a strange power that made us unable to even move an inch from our current position. The tension between us was so thick that I was amazed we still both could breathe.
"I cannot wait until tonight," he suddenly said. "Can I come in?"
I stared at him with numerous emotions running in me. There was sadness, and anger, and betrayal, but above all, there was love. Yes, I still loved him, and yes, I could not say no to that pleading face. Though I knew that I would not likely to see that kind of face directed to me again if my worst trepidation was proven true, but…
I loved him…
And that love was the only thing made me nod as my approval to his request. Together we entered my room and once we were inside I found myself not knowing of what should I do then. I could do nothing more than offered him a seat and afterwards, let the silence of the room reign over us, until finally he opened his mouth.
"You're angry at me," he said. It was not a question but a simple statement. I said none to correct that, I too said none to deny that. But it seemed he had already had his own concept of what my thought regarding the matter for he continued not so long after with a sigh. "What am I in your eyes, Tezuka Kunimitsu? Do I deserve none of your trust? Have you put none of your faith in me?"
I was shocked by his statement. I thought that he would try to defend himself, to sweet things out like so many of people I have found, but no. Rather than that, he attacked me at the first opportunity and I was left astounded by his act.
"Can I trust you?" I merely asked.
He smiled sadly, "That's your own choice to make."
"How will my choice be, after what I have heard, after what I have seen?" I asked again. "I never like it when there are things hidden from me. If you want to end this now, say it plainly before me and I will release you."
"Can you accept it?" he asked.
"Can I not accept it?" I asked back.
He sighed again. Now that I had better view to his face I noticed how pale he was under my gaze. His skin looked so sickly white and there was unhealthy red tinge colouring his cheeks.
"I have nothing to hide from you," he said. "I have no reason to do so."
"You love him."
"I loved him," he said, then he raised his face and I saw tears in his eyes. "But I love you."
That was all he said before he turned his face away from my sight. I frowned in realizing something I should have realized before.
"I loved him, yet that was all in the past," he said again and I chose to keep silent. "I thought that the experience was enough to teach me never to think so highly of love. I will only get hurt in the process if I have so much hope in something called love, something that I know I will never get, not in this lifetime anyway. I give myself now to one thing, now to another, but not to love. There were people trying to get me for one reason, and the other for another, but never for love. Yet I give my heart to you sooner than to anyone before, do you know why? Because you were there when I was in misery, because you did not run away, because I thought that you understood me, because I thought you loved me as I you.
"I am not belonging to myself again. I always search for someone who will love me for my impression and not my body. Such man I found in Atobe Keigo once but our ways did not happen to connect. He left me just like everybody else. I loved him then, and the realization that we could not be together as what I hoped saddened me so greatly. Love has deceived me many times but still when you came to me presenting what could have been love, I had no power not to take it. And here I am now, trapped in the same predicament I once have had."
After saying all those, he threw his body back to the sofa on which we both sat and stifled a cough. The act of talking had drained him from his energy; that I could see. I stared at him with awe. Never had I imagined that he could say such things. Never had I imagined that he could have that much power, that much passion in him.
"I'm sorry," I suddenly said, much to my own surprise.
"For what reason?" he asked.
"Even I know not," I admitted. "I just think that I have to say that."
"Say only truth, I've become so bored of lies," he said in bitter tone. "What say you now, Tezuka Kunimitsu?"
"I love you," I said plainly.
There was silence after that then I heard a sound I least expected for that time being. I heard him choking back a sob and I saw a drop of tears glistening as it made its way down his fair cheek.
"Can I believe you?" he said. "Do I have the right to? I'm someone of no worthy, my dear friend. You can cast me away anytime you like. You can throw me like trash for whatever motive and I have no right to even ask for the reason why. Can I believe you, my dear Kunimitsu? Can I believe that this thing between us is indeed love?"
"I can ask the very same question to you," I said as I extended my hand to touch his cheek. "Can I believe you? Will you betray me never? Will you love me ever? Dare you to put me into sadness or could you just simply plunge me into madness? Can I believe you and your love, Fuji Shuusuke? I need your words because we are just two people confused by love or whatsoever thing it is that exists between us."
He spoke none at first but then he said something which might have been totally irrelevant.
"I was in Atobe's room yesterday," he said and I stilled. I drew my hand from his face and waited for him to continue. "I had no intention to do so at first, believe me. I just knew from my friend that you were searching for me so I decided to come to your room," he said calmly. "I passed out."
"Pardon?" I said.
"I passed out, lost consciousness, whatever thing you may call it, before your door," he said. "Atobe found me and brought me to his room. We have some talks and nothing more. That was all that happened. I am not trying to make myself an excuse or what. You may believe what you want to believe, I will not hate you if you are not to believe my words."
I thought for a moment then said, "Do you love me still?"
"I love you," he said without hesitation.
"That's enough then," I said before I captured his lips in a deep kiss. How I missed his lips, I thought, how I missed him. I loved him so much that I felt all my doubts cleared up by hearing his words alone. He said he loved me and that only was enough. Now what was left in me was only a little bit of shame, a little bit of regret, and a great deal of worries.
I ended the kiss soon after. His lips felt feverish, his skin was hot under my touch. He was so sick that I was afraid of hurting him if we were to do things further than that.
"I'm sorry," he said. "And don't ask for what reason do I feel sorry, I just think I have to say it."
"I understand that sentiment perfectly," I said to him, smiling a little. I saw him giving me a very bright of a smile as he brought his hands up to touch my lips.
"There," he said in sheer happiness. "This is my pride."
Then he kissed me again and I sensed something there. There was such a dire need, such raw passion so strong that I almost frowned. I felt his hands guiding mine and in an instant I knew where his acts were leading to.
I took his hands and removed them from my body. With a soft gaze I looked at him and said, "You don't have to."
He nodded, "But I need this."
He bit his lips before raising his face up and smiled at me. "You have already shown me your way of loving," he said with his charming smile. "I have yet to show you mine. Please, Kunimitsu, this is my only way to show you my love. I don't know how else I should love you but I want to show you that there's love I want to give to you. This is my whole self for you to take, to claim, to have. This is my love without anything else beside it. Look at it, take it if you may, throw it if you want, but just let me show you, please…"
I contemplated over his words and in the end I found that he was not the only one needed this. We both needed this. I kissed him again and sensed desperation in both of us. We were just two desperate people tangled by the power of love in our journey to find it. We could do nothing. And what could I do to prevent it?
So I just let it come, and when it was time, I might let it pass. I should enjoy what was given to me and give what I could offer. It was as simple as that, even in such matter called love, even in such matter that involved me and someone named Fuji Shuusuke in it. He gave me his all, I gave him my all, until finally there was neither his nor mine. What we have had simply become ours.
And somewhere along the way, I just knew that our love should stand.
– end chapter 6 –
(A/N: okay… still following, dear readers? What do you think of this fic, eh? No, no, don't talk, we can't hear you anyway… better you give us some nice reviews about your opinion on this fic… or if you hate us that much, you can throw something nasty at us… well, just don't kill us yet. Please wait until you read the words 'the end' before you do so, okay? This chapter is tough, you know… it has survived through many things! There are earthquakes (we have so many earthquakes visiting Indonesia lately), sickness (one of the authors caught a very high fever), thunderstorms (luckily our computers did not get struck), deadlines (people from the Students' Executive Committee have no word called 'holiday' in their dictionaries, it seems) and many more! Phew! But we can finally deliver you this chapter! Hope you like this and we expect to see you next chapter… or so we hope… you'll read next chapter, right? Right! )
