A/N: no, this story is not dead, nor am i. I am however, suffering from chronic don'tgiveashititis that makes me get distracted between both stories and chapters. Also, I am joining forces with 3derp of ganji news radio and working on a youtube series where we review SHITTY fanfiction. I still am hoping we can do 'john cena is my stepfather' fanfiction; Yes, it exists.

Chapter 7: the Were-Venezuelans lair for 800 MSP

Hulk ran forward and looked over cover; he tapped Sheppard on the shoulder and said "there it is; the lair of the were-Venezuelans."

Tali spoke up and said "that looks like the system alliances embassies."

Sheppard shook his head and said "no doubt about it. the were-Venezuelans are agents of the reapers, so….lets go do a attack that could endanger the planet instead of going to see the gaybeards like we were supposed to!

Macho-man's eye crossed and he said "this is fucking stupid. I think I should have just stayed in the pod."

As Sheppard and tali charged across the field to the embassies, weapons drawn, hulk looked at macho-man and said "you know what…I never said the were-Venezuelans were agents of the reapers. Maybe I should have told them that they were a pissed off union of hippies led by the disgraced president Richard Nixon."

Macho-man shook his head and said "naw….let's let them fuck up the place. You have to pay money to see this normally."

As Sheppard charged into the building with his M-8 out; as he and tali entered the building, he saw 3 were-Venezuelans spraying several restrained hippies with aerosol cans; after a few seconds, the hippies turned into ganji husks and began charging Sheppard, along with the latter were-Venezuelans.

Sheppard and tali dropped them in seconds, just as hulk and macho-man stepped in; they took the aerosol cans off of the Venezuelans and saw the label: "harbinger accents air spray- indoctrination never smelled better"

Hulk dropped the can and said "I have no fucking clue what that can said."

Macho man chimed in "can you read?"

Hulk sniffled and said "no. daddy touched me wrong as a child"

Sheppard turned around and said "ok! moving along, I didn't need to hear that; tell you what, I will call in a shuttle to pick you 2 up while tali and I go through this place and clear them out."

Hulk and macho man nodded as they stepped outside, letting the author speed this chapter up with only 2 characters.

Sheppard led tali down the halls of the building; it appeared to be a diplomatic structure that had been overran and turned into a pancho's restaurant by the Venezuelans; he turned to tali and was about to warn her about possible traps, he saw tali reading a menu. Sheppard was about to chew her out, until he saw the cheese chalupas on the menu. He sat down and hoped that someone would serve him.

After about 20 minutes, Sheppard realized that he was probably sitting on a trap, and said to tali "yeah…we should go."

She shrugged and said "well, ok…we can always eat later. Like in your room."

As they headed up a flight of stairs, he heard several voices yell "DOMINGO DOMINGO DOMINGO!" as a large flock of were-Venezuelans descended upon them, attempting to cross the border into space America by killing Sheppard and tali.

Sheppard grabbed the closest one to him and shot it in the head with his pistol, using its body as a meat shield to deflect the wave of Venezuelans who flew in behind him, pushing them in front of tali who blew them away with her M-300 somehow firing 12 shots off and not reloading. Because she rolled like that.

As Sheppard killed the last of the Venezuelans, a voice over an intercom said "yah damn hippies! You'll never stop the reapers, now that we have the gaybeards who are a little-mentioned plot point that will have no effect in the final battle!"

Sheppard swore he had heard that voice before; he pointed to the door at the end of the hall and said "I bet the answers to all this are just right down the hall!" tali shook her head and said "Sheppard, were you dropped as a child?"

He gave her a derpface and said "bacon."

As they opened the door at the end of the room, they gasped in a mix of shock and awe; Sheppard pointed and said "12 TIME PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON!?"

Tali pointed and said "I don't know who I am pointing at!"

In a chair at the end of the room was the head of Richard Nixon in a jar, fused with the body of a marauder; he stood up and looked at the duo and said "oh, wait…you're not hippies asking for rights! Well then, my crack stash is…wait, your Sheppard! Shit!"

Sheppard raised his weapon and said "what is the meaning of this Nixon!? You said you had the gaybeards, and you have reaper tech on you. You're indoctrinated!

Nixon looked out the window and said "and I'm supposed to care? Look, I spent 200 years with my damn head in a jar. The reapers invade, capture my head, and then give me a body. All they asked was a refuse rights to hippies, capture the gaybeards, and keep a large stash of crack and a unused mech near my swimming pool. Nothing too big. Oh, and I have to kill you and stuff. Apologies in advance."

Sheppard rolled his eyes and got into cover as he said "damn…and I was hoping to get a autograph too."

Nixon pulled out dual widows and started to hose the room down with slugs as Sheppard (like the retard he is) ran into the oncoming fire and broke both of Nixon's hands (if he could take a reaper laser and not be powder, this is possible)

He slammed Nixon to the ground and in a flashing red star smashed his head open, knocking out a key Nixon had hidden in various bodily cavities. Sheppard picked up the key and said "tali! Go walk 5 feet to that large safe on the other side of me and open it."

She gave him a puzzled look and said "Sheppard…I'm all the way across the room. You do it."

Sheppard rolled his eyes as he opened the safe, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head; there was LOADS of crack. He figured nobody would miss a little gone…

(30 minutes later…)

Sheppard's nose was now bleeding as he took the last brick out of the safe and snorted it up. Tali looked at him and said "that's pretty extreme Sheppard."

He looked up at her and said "ARRGHBLB…TITS…TALI YOUR TITS ARE MELTING….GOD THIS WAS A TON OF FUCKING CRACK."

He stood up, shaking from the verge of an overdose and began running to the pool like a retard; he tripped on a Barack Obama (rock joke you assholes) and fell into the open triton deep sea mech that was totally not a re-textured atlas. As the mech's hatch sealed the high Sheppard in it, tali screamed "NO! SHEPPARD FELL INTO A POORLY DONE DLC IN A DLC!"

Around that time, a black man with dreadlocks appeared and said "YO DAWG, I heard you like DLC's…so we put a DLC in a DLC so you can get fucked by EA while getting fucked by EA." Several seconds later, another black amn walked up and said "eh, yo exzbits, I'm real proud for ya and all; imma let you finish, but…SAMUEL L JACKSON is the best black man made into a meme…of ALL TIME!"

Tali facepalmed as she leaned over the pool, wondering where Sheppard and the mech went.

A/N: truth be told, I was having some writers block with this chapter, until I paid- I mean, played the leviathan DLC (total waste of money, don't get it) and was disappointed beyond words. Those of you who suffered to see Sheppard say 1 sentence worth about 9 dollars U.S money in the final buttfucking-I MEAN, when you're talking to the sparklebitch, and when he says "you do not know my creators LOLPHAG" and then Sheppard (AFTER all the shit you did) just basically said "yeah, I met them."

That's it. no cutscene of the tentacle rape lobsters controlling reapers, no Japanese porn, NOTHING. You paid EA just to have Sheppard say "yeah, I met them."

And people wonder why I am not going to get the Omega DLC when it comes out; well, lets see…it costs more, will most likely have 2-3 missions (mind you, that in ME2, the overlord DLC was 500 MSP (5$ U.S money) and had like, 4-5 missions that were FUN. Leviathan was not fun, had less missions, and didn't do SHIT. At least overlord had a few effects in ME3 (which I will not mention to not spoil the GOOD parts of the game) so, in short of my rants, FUCK EA IN THE BUTTHOLE.

Also, review and when I find out the name of the channel we are going to release our reviews of shitty fanfiction I'll tell you guys. Also, what's going on shadowfire117?

-Lord Michael Blackburn