Something to Sleep To
I lay awake all night, holding her dress in my arms. Smelling the faint perfume of her skin that seemed to cling hopefully to the fabric. It's funny how quickly she became apart of my life. For so many years I lived alone. This house was the ultimate bachelor's pad. It was where the guys came to get away from their girls. I'd watch them all come over here and have the time of their lives, telling stories about all the horrible things their girlfriends made them do. I'd watch my friends leave to go home to their girls and I'd wish I had someone to go home to. Then Tess came and my whole life changed.
She became every part of my life. I knew what kind of cereal she liked and she knew how I took my coffee. We brushed our teeth together every morning. She shaved with my razor (and it drove me crazy). It was always ZaneandTess. No distinction, no division. We were inseparable … until now.
I tried to ignore it but it was always there in the back of my mind. Her past. I knew it was in the back of hers too. Where did she come from? Why did she leave there? She was this angel that just fell from the sky one day. God, why did she leave? I don't understand. I never asked. I never wanted to know. I just wanted her. I just wanted to hold her in my arms while we watched movies at night and stroke her hair while she slept. I just wanted her near me. I didn't need the explanations.
Maybe she'll be back. She said she wouldn't leave me hanging. I know she wouldn't. We meant too much to each other. I helped her to love. I helped her to live. She has to come back… Right? … It hurts so much. To look around and see everything she touched. This house is a giant shrine to her and I can't make myself leave because I don't know where to go. I couldn't stop her. I can't make her come back.
I always thought they were the ones who made the mistake. Letting her go, not going after her. But now I'm standing in the same position and I realize how helpless they must have felt. She's strong … and willful … and determined. They couldn't have stopped her any more than I could. None of us knows how to make her stay … and all she knows is how to run. I wonder where she learned it. It's obviously a skill. Leave a cleverly written, sympathetic note, pack quickly and leave no indication where you're going. I'm surprised she didn't already have a bag packed. It would've been simpler.
She was my dream. After my parents died life seemed to stand still for a while. It was like I was alive but I wasn't living. And then I saw her. She was crossing the street on the way to the diner and the next thing I knew I was following her in. She went to the counter and started talking to John. Then, he said something and she tucked her hair behind her ear and threw back her head and laughed. That was when I knew. I knew that I wanted to make her laugh like that forever.
Now all, I want to do is hit things and throw things and scream.
Don't leave me nowAnd I want to tear out my heart and make the pain stop.
Don't leave me now
And I want to drive after her and make her turn around.
And I want to hold her in my arms and squeeze her tight.
Don't leave me now
And I want to make sure she knows how much I love her.
Don't leave me now
And I want her to come back.
Don't leave me now
And I want to know, why?
But most of all I want is to lie beside her in this bed … and pull her close…and breath in the scent of her hair …and run my fingers across her cheek …and fall asleep.
