The fact it was Kenna who woke both of them in the morning made Carth suspect the woman hadn't slept enough--again. She pushes herself too hard. It was like she felt she had to do everything, and it seemed worse, now that she knew she was Revan. Almost as if she felt she had to make up for her past. "How much sleep did you get?"
"S'not important," Kenna replied, muffling a yawn.
"Yes, it is. Answer the question."
"Not much," she admitted, looking at the ground instead of him. "I had Jolee wake me up when his turn was over, instead of you."
"Kenna, you needed sleep!" He didn't understand that woman. She hadn't slept in over a week, and given the opportunity to finally get some rest, she passed it up.
"So did you!" She glared at him. "Mission told me you spent more then half of every night pacing. I know you're almost as short on sleep as I am. Don't pretend like you're not!" She stormed past him, headed in the direction they had come from the night before.
"Kenna?"
"WHAT??" She whirled around, clearly in a bad mood.
You really do need sleep. "It's that way." Carth pointed at a path that ran at a right angle to one she had started down. She huffed in frustration and stomped down the correct trail. Carth shook his head and followed her. She's gonna kill herself. I swear, she's going to kill herself. But he--wisely--kept his mouth shut. They walked in silence, both Carth and Jolee smart enough to let Kenna simmer down.
"Sorry."
He smiled to himself at the reluctant tone with which the apology was offered.
"Just die already!" Kenna grunted in frustration, striking the teranterak for what felt like the millionth time. I sound like Mission, she thought to herself. She was tired of fighting this thing. Of course, the fact that the first thing it did was try take off Carth's head--and nearly succeed-- hadn't improved her attitude toward it. Finally, the beast keeled over dead. 'Bout time. Kenna yanked the business end of a vibroblade out of the teranterak's side and examined it. This had to be Bacca's blade, the one Freyyr wanted. "C'mon." She headed back the way they had come to find the teranterak. Carth hadn't said a word since she'd snapped at him earlier, and Jolee was apparently not the conversational type, so the walk was made in silence. After giving Freyyr the blade and promising to help him overthrow Chuundar, Kenna turned her attention to the main reason she was in this dark, depressing place: finding the Star Map. It wasn't as hard as she had thought it would be. There were only a couple paths she hadn't traveled yet. It had to be down one of them.
Of course it was the second one she checked. The computer image that activated took the form of some alien race that looked familiar to Kenna, yet she couldn't place it. It was probably a race that lived on some remote planet she had only encountered as Darth Revan. That would explain why she couldn't remember it. The computer recognized from her memory patterns that she was Revan, and simply handed over the Star Map. Well, that was easy. Kenna laughed to herself as Jolee sputtered something about how the thing always rejected his attempts. She looked over at Carth, debating with herself whether to bring up the proverbial bantha in the room. Now's as good a time as any. Remember what Mission promised? You don't wanna get locked in the cargo hold, do you? Kenna shook her head. Alright, alright! I'll talk to him! Right now.
"Hey, Carth?"
He looked over at her. "Yes, what's on your mind?"
Kenna took a deep breath. This is it. Here goes nothing. "I think it's time we talked about me being Revan, don't you?"
"If you're ready to talk, then yes, so am I." He looked nervous.
Not good. Force, if he says he can't love me…"And?" That one word took every bit of willpower she possessed to utter. She was risking literally everything. Her heart, her hope, her future. Everything. In a one word query.
Here goes nothing. Carth rubbed the back of his neck before answering. "I can't hate you." He pretended not to notice the relief that scrawled across her face with that confession. He had less welcome ones to make. "I tried…I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things you've done. For my…for my wife, for Telos…for Dustil. But I can't."
Guess I deserve that. And at least he's honest. Kenna hadn't missed the way his voice caught when he mentioned Morgana. But they could get into that later, if they needed to at all. For now, she was curious about something else. "Why can't you?"
Should have known she'd ask that. He took a deep breath and decided to be totally honest. "I got the revenge I wanted when Saul died, but it hasn't brought me the peace I thought it would. All I can think of now is the promise I made to protect you from what's going to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge. Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, the darkness that must surely be there, it isn't who you are." I'd stake my life that you're someone different now. "That's why I can't hate you, why I don't want anymore revenge. You don't have to be Revan, you can be so much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, they gave you that chance. You have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone it could swallow you whole." I can't, and won't, let that happen. "I mean, is there room in there for me? Will you let me help you?"
Heart pounding with joy, exhilaration flooding her lungs, Kenna had just one worry. "I don't want you hurt protecting me, Carth," she said hesitantly. You have no idea what it would do to me, seeing you get hurt--or killed--trying to protect me.
Same old Kenna; putting other people before herself. She's not turning me down that easily. "I think I would be hurt worse if I didn't try." I couldn't take watching you get hurt--or killed-- because I didn't at least try to protect you.
Kenna frowned in confusion. "I don't understand."
Carth sighed and tried to explain. "Whatever's happened up until this point, there's going to come a time very soon when you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back. I want you to make the right choice." He hesitated, hoping she wouldn't take what he was about to say the wrong way. "I want to give you a reason to."
Oh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!!! Exultant as his words and determination to help her were making her, Kenna found herself falling in the paranoid mood she was usually trying to pull Carth out of. "And if I make the wrong choice?" she asked, scared of his reply.
I would never give up on you, if that's what you're worried about. He could see the fear in her eyes. "Well, then," he replied, trying to reassure her, finding it ironic that she was the one being paranoid this time, "I hope I can save you. From yourself. You gave me a future," he hesitated--Here goes nothing-- then finished, "I want to give you a future too…with me. I think I could love you, if you give me the chance."
Yes! Oh, yes, yes, YES!!!!! Kenna wanted to whoop, to cheer, to basically act very un-Jedilike. Just knowing he thought he could love her, that he forgave her and believed her, made her feel happier than she could ever remember being. But she reined in her emotions--a nearly impossible feat that would have made Bastila proud--and settled for the understatement of her life. "I think I could love you, too." I think I already do.
He could see the pent-up emotion in her eyes, the joy practically tearing her apart. He knew exactly how she felt, because he was just as happy. Which he'd thought would have been impossible after Morgana died. "Well then I'm…I'm glad. Let's...let's face the future together, then…there's still a lot to do."
Fighting off the ridiculously fierce desire to kiss him, long and hard, Kenna nodded. She didn't trust her voice at the moment. If she tried to talk, she'd probably end up squealing. She really didn't want to do that. Sounds good to me, flyboy. Star Map in hand, she headed for the basket up to the Great Walkway. There was still a lot to do, starting with a change in the Wookiee leadership. It was time for Chuundar--and Czerka--to go. The planet had suffered enough.
Several Wookiees who were loyal to Chuundar were waiting by the basket. Despite wanting to avoid killing, Kenna was unable to reason with them, and had to fight. She launched herself at the closest Wookiee, swinging her lightsaber furiously. Almost every time, however, the Wookiee's vibroblade blocked it. Fortunately, Carth and Jolee were slightly more successful. She watched out of the corner of her eye as first one Wookiee then the other fell. Kenna's eyes stayed on Carth and off her target a moment too long.
"Kenna, look out!"
Carth was already moving in Kenna's direction when he hollered the warning. He saw the blow coming, but was too far away to do any more then watch as Kenna barely managed to block it and went flying. "Kenna!"
She slammed into the trunk of a Woshyr tree, air driven from her lungs. Force, that hurt! Kenna tried desperately to shake free of the galaxies whirling around her brain as she stood. The Wookiee swung at her again, and she rolled out of the way, disoriented and unsure where her lightsaber had ended up. She spotted it and scrambled across the ground, snatching up the weapon, and turned to face her opponent. He was already dealt with.
Carth yanked the Echani Foil free of the Wookiee's body and crossed to where Kenna crouched, halfway to her feet. "My turn," he teased, offering her a hand up.
Kenna blushed. "Shut it, handsome."
"Make me, gorgeous." He grinned as she rolled her eyes, probably the best reply, and accepted his offered hand. He pulled her to her feet. "You okay?"
She nodded. "Just a little dizzy. Thanks. And I prefer beautiful."
Kenna turned toward the basket, which fortunately was still down. "C'mon, we need to get moving. Freyyr will need our help." Who knew how many of the Wookiees would side with Chuundar. She hoped some had remained suspicious of their leader's willingness to work with Czerka, even if they didn't know about his allowing the corporation to take Wookiees as slaves.
After defeating Chuundar, with a little help from Freyyr and Big Z, Kenna was ready to head back to the Ebon Hawk and find the Star Forge. She was exhausted, but worry for Bastila was growing, keeping her moving and desperate. The fear Malak would succeed in his attempt to turn Bastila was gnawing a progressively deeper and more gaping hole in her sanity.
"Kenna, you need to sleep."
She shook off Carth's advice. "I'll be fine. This is more important." She heard him sigh in exasperation. "I'm not really tired, anyway," she protested, trying to bury the yawn under her words. Wonderful timing!
"Y'know, beautiful, for a Jedi, you're a lousy liar," Carth chuckled. Kenna whirled around and walked backwards a few steps to glare playfully at him. Until she backed into a tree trunk. Hard.
"Ow!" She rubbed the back of her head, and glared in earnest at Carth and Jolee both as they tried not to laugh and only half succeeded.
"Sorry," Carth apologized halfheartedly, still chuckling. Kenna fought off the urge to kiss the crooked grin off his face. You're still ticked at him, remember?? She settled for spinning on the heel of her boot and stomping the rest of the way back to the Hawk.
Carth followed a few steps behind Kenna, still chuckling. Her expression had been priceless. What I wouldn't have given for a holorecorder. I think I'm in love. That alone shocked him. He'd been so sure he would never get past Mori. And that he was falling in love with Revan, of all people, who he'd sworn he would never forgive for what she'd done and caused others to do... Never say never, I guess, he chuckled to himself as the three of them reached the Hawk.
Putting all Star Maps together pieced together a hyperspace route to a planet that previously hadn't even shown up on the galaxy map. Kenna tried to hide another yawn as she helped Carth punch in the coordinates. He didn't really need her help, and she knew it. She just wanted an excuse to avoid thinking about Bastila for a few seconds, and an excuse to spend a little more time with Carth, if she was honest about it.
"You really need to get some sleep."
Kenna rolled her eyes but conceded the point. "I know, I know." She finished and levered herself out of the co-pilot's chair reluctantly. "I just…" she sighed, rubbing her arm, not sure how to finish the sentence.
"Just what?" Carth looked up at her.
"I don't know," Kenna sighed again and brushed her fingers through her hair. "I…I guess I'm…scared." She didn't hide the fear in her eyes as she looked at him. "Hold me," she begged.
Carth checked to make sure the autopilot had engaged and stood. "C'mere." Kenna gratefully accepted, relishing the feeling as his arms slipped around her. "What are you scared of, beautiful?"
He's so sweet. Kenna didn't stop herself from indulging in the thought this time. "Falling asleep. Dreaming. I'm afraid I'll…"
"See Bastila?" Carth finished the sentence for her when she let it trail off. He'd never seen her looking so vulnerable before.
Kenna nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure Malak's torturing her, trying to get her to fall. To have to watch and not be able to stop it..." She shook her head and looked up at him. "I can't do that. Not again. It wouldn't be nearly as hard as…you know, on the Leviathan, …when it was you, but it would still be hard."
"No promises, Kenna, but maybe you'll dream about something else." He ran one hand over her hair, smoothing the rebellious strands back from her face. "All I know is that you're so tired you're going to collapse if you don't get some sleep soon. Who knows what we're going to run into. You have to sleep. If I have to drag you back to bunk room and have Mission sit on you."
"Guess I don't have much choice, then," Kenna smiled. I hope I dream about you. "Thanks, Carth. I'm…I'm really glad I have you around." It wasn't quite an 'I love you', but they weren't quite ready for that yet. After mentally weighing the pros and cons for about half a second, Kenna pushed herself up the extra couple inches to kiss him on the cheek, but was interrupted just before making contact, so close Carth could feel her breath against his skin.
"Hey, guys, have you--whoa." Mission's grin made Kenna want to melt into the floor. Damn it, Mish, you have horrible timing! "Never mind. It can wait," the Twi'lek giggled.
"No, I was just heading for the bunk room anyway," Kenna spoke up quickly, pulling back. "What's up?"
"I was wonderin' if you'd seen my pazaak deck. I wanna challenge Canderous to a rematch, but I can't find it."
"I haven't seen it," Carth muttered before plopping back down in the pilot's seat.
"C'mon, we can look in the bunk room." Kenna steered Mission out of the room, knowing they would talk about what had almost happened. "Wonderful timing, by the way."
"Guess I don't need to lock you two in the cargo hold, huh?" Mission teased once they reached the bunk room. "Though maybe now you want me to."
Kenna blushed. "Shut up, Mission."
"Told you he was crazy about you."
"I need to get some sleep. And I was the one about to kiss him." Kenna kicked off her boots and flopped down on the bunk.
"He wasn't exactly resisting. I imagine you're not the only one cursing my sense of timing." Mission leaned against the wall, grinning in fiendish teenaged pride as Kenna blushed even deeper crimson.
"Probably not. Now go away so I can sleep." Kenna closed her eyes and pulled a pillow over her head, tossing the pazaak deck that had been under it to the Twi'lek.
Mission took the hint--and her deck-- and left. "Sweet dreams."
I hope they are.
