Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family AKA Puckmel TaT
Thank you to Kim for reviewing! It's very much appreciated.
Real life has been hectic and unkind. And this week our family's dog died and we're pretty much all heart-broken.
I've done some writing but not nearly as much as usual. Still: have another long chappie! Let me know what you think, please. I love getting reviews and I appreciate your thoughts and ideas!
Fair warning: I've already written several more chapters of this tale (and have the whole thing plotted to the end of season 2) but need some crucial bridges still, so they're not in posting shape yet. But I've neglected Malleable (my Puck-Blaine friendship-mentoring/Klaine piece dealing with dominance and submission from a non-sexual perspective) and its thankfully very patient fans (thanks guys!) a lot, as well as several of my shorter prompt fills not on FFnet. So before I post the next chapter of PuckmelTaT here I'll be updating Malleable and taking care of the hanging prompts. See you then! Unless you review - then you'll hear from me sooner ^_^
Chapter 7
Different Coping Styles - Fights, Musicals, Sex- and Retail-Therapy (Also: Burt engages in psychological warfare - without ever having been dropped behind enemy-lines to go after Noriega or served on a Special OP team)
That hadn't gone well. Not that he'd thought it would. It was called life experience. Or common sense. Or both. Something his ma completely lacked in the grip of *gag* new love. He knew all about that one...
She thought it had gone okay. His look had left absolutely no doubt that he thought she was delusional. Puck had practically booked her a padded room in the asylum with his look (he prided himself on his badass eloquence: he could convey freaking Russian novels with a look if he wanted to!). Where she belonged until she came to her senses again. Couldn't she be like– be celibate or something? Or discretely hook up with one night stands that never wound up at Chez Puckerman to traumatize Sarah and drive Puck to the brink of homicide before finishing high school? Or have an exciting virtual romance in a purely virtual community? Or buy a vibrator? Or join the Twilight-fandom and fantasize about the Brit-vampire who never washed his greasy hair, Robert Patterson, in the privacy of her bedroom – or whatever the equivalent for middle-aged people was? Or wait until Sarah was safely off to college in only nine years? Like, ya know, a normal person?
What did she need another loser for? And why did it have to be this one? The dude wasn't even forty and bald, for fuck's sake! Ha, he wondered if that was Kurt in like twenty years, needing to go toupee-shopping or researching hair transplants? He had to keep that one in mind for when Hummel once again threw an epic "me, me, me!" bitch-fit: the realistic threat of premature baldness would tip Kurt into a full-scale psychotic breakdown! He'd love a front row seat for that spectacle! All that thousands of dollars of hair crap for nothing.
He had fled to his room while Ma put Sarah to bed, threw himself onto his own bed, plugged his IPod in and vowed not to come out again tonight. He didn't even check on Quinn: he had more than enough drama for today. She likely wouldn't let him feel his little girl anyway, she rarely did...
"Noah?"
"What?"
His mom came in and just looked at him for moment. What? He couldn't make out her expression and it wasn't due to the low lighting. Had the asshole said something in the parking lot when they'd sent the "kids" off? Puck kept his own face expressionless, himself from fidgeting, crossed his legs at the ankles and his arms behind his head and simply stared back. He wasn't about to apologize for anything, whatever the douche had told her.
"Burt said you threatened him."
Yeah, thanks asshole.
"He's delusional. Looks like you two match. That's something you got going for your relationship at least."
"You're not going to pick a fight with me, Noah, I won't let you. And I believe Burt. I know I'm not often there for you. I know I leave you with a lot of responsibility when it comes to Sarah, to the household, to yourself. I know I miss quite a bit of what you get up to - I'm stressed and overworked, not stupid!", she gave him a shrewd look that suddenly reminded him of his nana, who, yeah, was her mom so it made sense, "- and this sounds exactly like you. You probably planned to 'have a word' with him before we even left here for dinner. Would Sarah have gotten an accidental drink in her lap if she hadn't made a mess herself, to get us to leave?"
His ma sighed, crossed the room and sat down next to him on his bed.
"I understand why you did it. I really do. I don't like it but I do. But you can't go around threatening people, even if you do it to protect our family. And please give me - if not Burt - the benefit of doubt. I told you I was careful, I told you I'd never again let a threat into our family! Couldn't you have trusted me, your mother? For one evening at least? What if Burt had gone to the police? You've shaken him quite a bit!"
He ignored the crap about trusting her taste in men and keeping them safe. When had that ever panned out with a guy involved? Starting with his dad, the stupid fucker… But yay for getting to Hummel, version the bald one!
"I knew he wouldn't. Dude's not going to get into your pants if he's reporting your son to the police. Ergo he keeps his mouth shut. Easy."
"Perhaps." He snorted. "Alright, it's unlikely he would report you. But have you thought about his only child - the kid you yourself say he spoils massively - who sat right next to him while you threatened him with- what? Death? Injury? He certainly would have taken action if he believed Kurt in danger from you! And then? G-d, Noah! Your friends on the force won't always be able to look away! Yes, I know they do. I know it's not your behavior that's responsible for that clean record of yours, give me a little credit! Or how often you visit our ER? Do you really believe I'm completely oblivious that my son is one of Lima's bad boys? At sixteen?"
She'd certainly acted like it.
"Whatever."
He could let her think she'd won this round, back off. Fuck that!
"You do what you think is right. I can't change anything about your crappy taste in guys anyway... I do what I think is right for me and Sarah. And I did! If you don't like that or your guy don't like it - tough luck, I don't give a fuck."
The expected "language, Noah!" failed to make an appearance. Instead his mom shifted closer, raising her hand to stroke over the strip of hair. Puck allowed it for only a moment before jerking his head away and shrugging her hand off. He didn't want to be babied.
"Oh, baby." She sounded choked up. "When have you become so- hard? So jaded? You're still so young! It can't be all me dating. Is this about Quinn- and Finn? The baby?"
Oh, for fuck's sake! She just had to go there, did she?
"No. It's not about the girl I l-like having my baby, pretending I tricked her into it like she wasn't with me every step, then calling me a loser and now all gung-ho to give my little girl away, whether I want to or not. Or Finn the hypocrite moron cheating on her with your precious Jewish princess-in-law Rachel but acting all outraged about me and Quinn. It's not! It's about you heading for another disaster leaving you depressed and useless for months when your romance crashes and burns or turns into a domestic violence case - take your pick - before Sarah and me are safely out the house! Again. And if you haven't noticed how I've been for years and now it's such a big fucking surprise, it's not my problem!"
Having finished his rant he sat up and squirmed past her, wanting to get away. The whole thing was pointless anyway.
"Where are you going, Noah?"
"Bathroom."
Puck yanked a clean pair of briefs from his closet and strode out. He stayed a long time under the shower, letting the hot water drown everything out. He wasn't even in the mood to jerk off! His mother in a relationship could kill the strongest libido. It was practically the real world equivalent of a Dementor: sucking all happiness and joy from existence. Not that there had been much joy or happiness lately... Crap. He hoped she didn't wait in his room. He was so not in the mood for another round, or a heart to heart or a "where did I go wrong with you?"-guilt fest or any shit.
He stayed in the bath for nearly two hours. There was only so much to do before running out of things to improve physical perfection however (no, he wasn't vain, just realistic: he knew exactly how hot he was. ... Alright, so he was vain and realistic. He had eyes and a mirror, chicks had been throwing themselves at him since he's been twelve, and he's been the first guy in their year to cash in the big V). He'd even read some girly horse magazine Sarah left in the bathroom and Quinn's Instyle - which at least had lots of hot chicks - in a desperate move to prolong his stay. When he finally emerged the coast was clear.
His mom had given up. First good thing after practice today. And she'd changed his sheets before leaving. Oops. He probably should have done that after he had that senior Cheerio over for a bit - a lot - of rough sex Thursday evening while his ma had again been working. Puck deliberately didn't think about how much his ma would have had to overlook the lingering signs of marathon sex on his bedding. He had needed a safe way to work out his agitation after Hummel had dropped the bomb about their stupid parents and his ma confirmed it. And that chick was up for it even after Babygate (though he had to wear a rubber despite her being on the pill, which sucked: he supposed he could take it as a compliment to his super-strong swimmers though) what with her loser of a boyfriend not knowing what she liked - or maybe he just sucked at sex in general, who knew? Or cared. Puck had ignored Quinn being in the guestroom on Thursday and likely hearing him fucking her ex-team mate into Nirvana for three hours. Screw her. He was done bending over backwards for her, outside of baby-stuff. She didn't want him. Not for anything other than a roof over her head or fetching the banned bacon she craved: she made that more than clear. Nor did she want his baby girl.
He heard his mom talking softly in the living room. She was on the phone with her guy. Great. Puck went to bed and vowed to spend all Sunday there as long as his mom was around. She wanted to go to some horse thing with Sarah so at least he wouldn't need to hide all day to be left alone.
They hadn't talked about the evening when they got home. Kurt decided to erase the whole episode from his mind by re-watching Victor/Victoria and imagine how fabulous he'd be in the lead role – maybe in a production where the lead switched genders even? A male performer pretending to be a woman? Who was still getting the hunky mobster, who'd simply change sexual orientation when confronted with the perfection that was Kurt, or his character? Like Finn would in real life in the near future...
When he went up for something to drink (Evian, zero calories, go him!) his dad was on the phone, talking softly. Deborah probably. Looked like Puck hadn't managed to scare his dad off... At least not yet.
On Sunday Kurt managed to get his dad to go shopping with him. He purchased most of his stuff online of course. It was cheaper and often the only way, given that Lima wasn't exactly fashion capital of the world. Or the US, or the state or even just Western Ohio... But sometimes it was nice to actually see and try on clothes and shoes (especially shoes!) before buying. A few remarks of how good a sport he had been yesterday, how traumatized by Puck's threats, how hard the change of his father's romantic life was on his only child but how selfless Kurt would cope to support his dad's happiness and presto, he'd guilted him into a major shopping spree. He'd even manage to talk Burt into buying a few – conservative, boring but good quality at least - pieces for himself, citing how impressed Debbie would be. Dad hadn't looked convinced but decided to humor Kurt.
Now they were on their way back home. With nine shopping bags, eight of them Kurt's: he couldn't wait to brag to Mercedes! This was why starving yourself worked! Santana was right: looking amazing and being – hopefully – more popular was totally worth it. Maybe Mercedes, upon seeing Kurt's haul, would get the point and finally lose those pounds that would make her appearance in that article less... heavy, and in turn make Sue marginally happier. Then she'd have more choice of designer clothes too! (Mercedes; not Sue obviously who never wore anything but track suits, the poor soul: she'd look fabulous in a designer piece too with her height and slender body type as their Madonna make-over had shown. Shame Sue Sylvester was resistent to their combined make-over powers.) Because, as much as he loved Mercedes, high end designers didn't cater above a certain size. The chance to finally wear the really fabulous pieces should motivate his friend in losing weight and Kurt would help her to fulfill his-, her goal! They needed to start practicing interviews for their impending Nationals win soon too.
Kurt abandoned his musings about their glorious future as the undisputed stars of the Cheerios when his dad slowed the Navigator down in a street Kurt had never been to. What were they doing? He looked around but couldn't see anything that would explain his dad stopping here. It was a random residential area with mostly older detached houses: not poor, not upscale. Very average. Boring.
It would be much more exciting if Finn lived here, but that wasn't the case: Kurt had followed his love home once and had known where he lived for some time. He'd been there a few times; outside that is. And of course there had been the one time when Finn had invited him home to help him pick clothes to impress the Fabrays: he'd gone through the kitchen and up on the second floor and into the attic! He'd been disappointed when Finn hadn't shown him his room or wanted to hang out afterwards and pretty much escorted him out. But it had been a start! Last he'd been there to research Carole... He was interested in his future boyfriend and how he lived: contrarily to what Mercedes had implied when he'd accidentally let his research slip it wasn't strange or creepy at all. It was just showing a healthy interest - and being discrete about it while Finn had yet to come to terms with his feelings for Kurt and his own latent homosexuality. It was actually very considerate of Kurt and Finn would appreciate Kurt's care in getting to know him later.
Kurt was just about to ask about their purpose here when his dad said: "I need to do something, son. Be back in a moment."
Kurt left the car too, curious, and then registered the name on the post box next to him: Puckerman. Oh. Well, that explained his dad wanting to be here. So this was where Puck lived? Hmmm. He wasn't sure what to think: it looked so- normal. Yes, rationally he knew that the jocks didn't amble off to their caves or into Lima's version of L.A.'s South Central ghetto, whatever that was, when they left McKinley. Even if that was one of Kurt's favorite fantasies... But still. Weird. It looked pretty much like the Hudson-residence – perhaps a bit better cared for, even. There was a children's bike on the porch, Sarah's likely.
Kurt stopped halfway between their car and his dad on the path to the Puckerman house. Who had just knocked on the door and stepped back a bit when the door opened to a shirtless Puck.
God, why did the boy feel the need to flaunt his body at any given opportunity? You'd think he wanted the school queer to check him out! Kurt immediately suppressed the sensible voice pointing out that lounging around half-naked in one's own home wasn't exactly the pinnacle of shameless showing off. He didn't want to be fair or rational about Puck! Especially not after yesterday.
"WTF? ... Mom's not here." Puck glared at his dad.
Great, what an exciting change from yesterday's attitude!
"I know. Didn't come for her. Puck? I want to say sorry for what I said yesterday."
What? His dad was apologizing. To Puck! Why?
"I didn't know about-, about that bastard. Deborah told me. I'm really sorry that I reminded you of that time. I'm not like that. I've never laid hand on a woman or a child in my life. I never will."
"She told you. Well, ain't that grand? Good for you. I still don't like you. And I can throw Kurt further than I trust you."
Puck made to turn around and go in again.
"Hey, wait please. Do you accept my apology?"
His father looked startlingly humble on the Puckerman's porch, looking up at Puck, trucker hat in hand. What was he doing? More importantly, why was he ignoring references to Kurt-throwing?
Puck seemed just as weirded out by his dad, scrutinizing him with narrowed eyes. Finally he seemed to come to a decision.
"... Yeah, alright, fine. Whatever."
When they'd gotten back into their car Kurt couldn't refrain from asking rather aggressively, "What was that about, Dad?"
"I can't really tell you Kurt, not my place. Let's just say there was scum preying on Debbie and even little Sarah and Noah had to deal with that alone. I reminded him unintentionally. Kid's a bully, reckless and cocky; I don't like him much at the moment. But I can't deny that he's doing a lot for his family, making sacrifices for his sister, helping his mom: he's a real family guy, taking on lots of responsibility. Has for years from what Debbie says. I'd never want him to think of me like I'm one of those punks he needs to protect them from."
"Whatever happened to 'nobody pushes the Hummels around'? And I couldn't help but notice that you reacted surprisingly nonchalant to me being thrown around."
"He just said that; 's not like he did it. You said yourself the kid didn't target you."
Yes, now, Thursday excluded.
And okay, he might not have told his dad about before. Visits to Figgins - or earlier to Ms. Leach in middle school, different bullies, same crap - by Dad didn't ever help. In fact they made everything worse: after his dad had been in because of that Adams-mountain of fat, Kurt had lost a month worth of clothing to the garbage bin. Also, it was a bit difficult to explain that your first love, the boy destined to be your life partner, was- well, present and involved in your bullying right next to his (ex) best friend. That's why his dad had no idea about Finn and Matt and a guy whose name Kurt still doesn't know throwing pee balloons into Kurt's face last summer. It would just make Burt accepting Finn as Kurt's first – and hopefully last! - boyfriend harder, so he kept quiet. Finn had apologized. In a way. It was water under the bridge and wouldn't impact their relationship. Finn's past as one of Kurt's tormentors (reformed!) simply made their romance more exciting... Yes.
"You think he pushed me around, Kurt? I don't think so. Sometimes you gotta be subtle. He accepted my apology didn't he? And he really didn't want to. But no one made him other than himself. Now he's gotta remember that, me reaching out and him accepting, no matter how much he doesn't like me. Kid's like an alpha dog protecting his pack. Show him you respect that and his protecting his pack and he won't bite."
"No, he'll just pee on you. To stay within your metaphor. No thanks Dad, I think I'll pass on this particular strategy."
Next chapter: back to McKinley. Inappropriate song choices, alcoholic cougars resurfacing, Puck wondering about having psychic powers and Kurt in the grip of a quest for the perfect body...
