Letters to No One

Author: ColleenMcPinto

Rating: T

Pairing: B&B

Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.

Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.

A/N: OK, so it's taken me a little bit longer than usual to get this update written and posted. Where I took the story in the last chapter surprised me, and it took me a little longer to get my feet back underneath me. I usually finish one letter and have an idea of what will be said in the next, but this time I was lost. It was really frustrating… and it makes me wonder if it's what Brennan would feel after getting a letter like that. I'm a little worried that this letter is not as much in character as the others, so please let me know what you think. Thank you all for the wonderful comments and reviews. Thank you for supporting this story and sticking with it! It means so much to me. I hope that you enjoy this chapter as much as the previous ones!

Day 56

She spent the past 2 weeks in Jakarta at the archaeology centre, with Angela and Hodgins, and his letter. Dr. and Mrs. Hodgins kept her busy, took her around the city, and helped her with reconstruction and dating of some of the remains and artifacts. It was almost like being back at the Jeffersonian. It kept her mind off of the letter. But then the Hodgins' went back to Paris, and she went back to Tual.

In the 2 weeks she was in Jakarta, she only had the chance to read the letter twice. But the trip back to the island was long, and she didn't have as much reading material as she thought. When she got back to her villa, she unpacked slowly… trying to delay the inevitable… trying to collect her thoughts, but eventually she sat down at the desk and started writing.

Dear Booth,

I just got back from Jakarta again. I saw Angela and Hodgins, but I guess you knew I was going to. I got your letter too. It's been 2 weeks since I first read it and I've been ruminating on it ever since. I still don't know if I have adequate words for an explanation.

I'm sorry, Booth. I'm sorry.

People as an anthropological specimen are selfish by nature, and I am not an exception. When I took this assignment, I stepped away from everything I built for myself and others in Washington, without a thought for how my actions would affect everyone in my life.

I feel like I should preface my explanation for my actions with this: When I got to Maluku I was cautious and guarded. You know I don't put much stock in psychology, but I feel like I reverted back to the person I was before I met you. I put metaphorical walls up because I don't want to get attached to anyone here the way I am now attached, emotionally not physically of course, to you and Angela, and Hodgins, and Cam, and even Sweets. Sometimes it's too hard to feel all those emotions.

There was no reason for my lack of contact except for fear and confusion. I first want to let you know that my email to Sweets was sort of an accident. Daisy talked to him, and Sweets emailed me asking about Daisy's mental wellbeing. I responded as a colleague, and scientist.

As for contact with Angela, you should know that was inevitable. She's very persistent, and likes to know every little detail of everything. I'm sure you've figured that out, she says she's written you letters and sent you sketches from Paris. Angela and I are never really out of touch, though. Whenever I go on trips, she is my contact person. She has been for the past 6 years. She's the only person besides you whom I trust completely, but my relationship with Angela is far less complicated than ours.

And of course, emails and calls to Cam. You should know most of our communication has been professional. I've had to inquire about borrowing some equipment from the Jeffersonian, and she's been having a bit of trouble with my replacement. The last time I talked with Cam, though was to get your contact information.

I've thought about you everyday here. I always see something that reminds me of you, or a past case, or something that I think you'd like. I jot things down, write you letters, and take pictures to send to you… but I never send them. I'm scared, Booth. It's an irrational fear, though. I'm scared that I don't know how to be myself anymore. I'm scared that I will see your handwriting, or hear your voice and I won't be able to stay here. I won't be able to finish this. I'm scared of what I'm feeling. I'm scared that one day the letters will stop because something happened, and I'm scared that if that happens I won't know how to handle that.

I've written you a few other letters, I don't know if I'll mail them or not. Do you want me to? I just want to let you know, none of this is your fault. This is all on me. Angela says that I'm learning how to deal. I'm also trying to figure out what I want out of life. I'm trying to discern my purpose. It's only been 56 days, but I think part of my purpose is to be your partner.

Booth, I don't think I will ever be able to apologize enough, but I'll say it again: I am so sorry. I really do hope that you will continue to write to me, I promise to respond. I miss you.

309 days (that's the days until we agreed to meet at the coffee cart; I hope you still want to meet me there).

I'm sorry,

Bones.

When she finished the letter, her hands trembled slightly as she folded it and a second piece of paper with a more direct address and a phone number into the envelope and addressed it. It was too late in the evening for her to go back into Tual and try to express mail it to Jakarta and then to Kabul. So, she emailed her second in charge and said she'd be late to the dig site because she had personal business to attend to in the province. There was no getting out of it now. She was mailing the letter in the morning, and for the first time since she got to Indonesia she didn't feel quite as alone.