VI. Performance Standards
(Are you happy now Warbler Thad? – Wes)
(Immeasurably! –Thad.)
The Warblers have a long and proud tradition of performing with the highest standards in mind. Uniformity in both harmonies and choreography is what sets us apart from our show choir competition, and while tying for first may have been acceptable in the past, it is the goal of all Warblers current and future to become a vocal dynasty the likes of which this country hasn't seen since the Chapman College Choir in the early 90s.
(Wes, you do realize you just referenced Sister Act 2 and that it wasn't a documentary right? – Kurt)
(Sometimes, Kurt, fiction does have its basis in reality.)
Even though we currently live in an age of easy digital recording and viral videos, one never knows when a technological disaster may occur and send us back into the dark ages known as the seventies. To that end, it seems most prudent to commit our standards on paper to ensure excellence.
Standard One: Uniformity in all things.
While it should go without saying (although I probably need to judging by the complete lack of attention the current membership pays to our rules and traditions) the strength of the Warblers lie in our harmonic capabilities. (And no Jeff, I am not saying you can bring your harmonica to practice. What part of no instrumentation do you not understand?) In order for our audience to fully appreciate the complexities in our arrangements, they must not be distracted in any way from the performance. Hence all Warblers must be in uniform at all times. This not only includes matching choreography but also appearance. (Further clarification of this standard will be explained in Standard 2)
While there may have been a few instances of attempts to flaunt this standard, and the results should stand as a reminder to all Warblers of the dangers of monkeying around with tradition. However for the sake of current Warblers who still think this is all being made up to personally deny him a chance at a mass makeover (which yes that is a benefit but it's not a main reason Kurt) I shall record just a handful of the examples history has taught us.
The Marlins Merengue Massacre of 1989, where an attempt at improvised steps during a performance to celebrate the success of the Cincinnati Marlins swim team at Nationals that year led to the entire bass line finding themselves in the deep end instead of providing the backbone of My Prerogative.
(And you all harass me about MY song choices? Judging you all. – Blaine)
(Seconded. –Kurt.)
The Cleveland Catastrophe of 1956 where a supposedly innocent hand gesture by the President was misinterpreted as the beginning cue of The Magic Touch, which the membership gamely began performing for the entire convent.
Standard Two: Dalton Uniforms Must Be Worn During Performances
The wearing of uniforms is not merely a formality, it is a representation of our pride and respect for our school.
(It is also a sad commentary on your lack of imagination and presumed lack of taste – Kurt)
Even though Warbler Kurt's sarcasm comes through even in written form, he does, in fact, have a point. The uniform does prevent us from performing in some rather unfortunate fashion choices. I know I speak for all present Warblers when I say that the image of the bike shorts is a sight that cannot be unseen as much as we wish it so.
(Oh the Spandex! There are an astonishingly miniscule number of members who could pull that off. And just because you CAN wear Spandex, doesn't mean you SHOULD. I will need some serious Vogue therapy if you keep talking about this Wes.- Kurt)
(Move on, Wes, or I will not be responsible for what I do. – Blaine)
However, not only does performing in uniforms give us a timeless appeal that span generations, it also is a safety concern. As the now famous Mugsie Incident proved, allowing teenage boys to choose their own width of bell bottoms while performing Fernando will only lead to the entire membership being knocked into the helpless audience because someone got their platforms caught in the hem of their bellbottoms.
Standard Three: Always be prepared and professional, striving to be worthy of Warbler excellence
This standard can be simply explained as "don't sing about sex toys in public". Because it's singing about sex toys in public. Also, don't sing about them in the Gap because some of us actually like to shop there and now we can't so now we have to rely on our mothers to buy our jeans for us. If you must sing about sex toys in public, at least make it in Big Lots.
(There are so many levels of wrong in that sentence, I can't….I just…..no I'm sorry. I just can't be friends with you any more Wes. Just no. – Kurt)
Standard Four: The Soloist sets the tone
For many of our arrangements, the soloist is the first exposure our audience has to the traditional Warblers' sound. As such, the soloist is held to the highest standards of performance and isn't chosen for the honor if the Council does not think the standards will be upheld in an exemplary fashion. So it is reasonable for the general membership to follow the soloist's lead in the event of an onstage disaster such as overhead lights falling, power outage or flooding.
However this is not always the case and sometimes the membership should apply common sense (because really you guys the constant eye sex is not professional.) Even when Blaine does it. And Blaine you have to stop that. It's sending some serious mixed signals!
(Hey! You agreed the Warblers needed to get sexified! – Blaine)
(And a foam machine. Don't forget the foam machine.- Kurt)
(As if such a glorious phallic symbol could be forgotten! –Thad.)
(I also agreed to a duet between you and Kurt at Regionals. But what do you do? You two try to sex it up with a break up song. Honestly Blaine do you listen to the lyrics before you chose a song ever? – Wes)
(Trying to sex it up? Blaine, have you EXPLAINED to them the whole baby penguin thing? –Kurt.)
(Guys, that better not be a euphemism. –Nick)
(Ok, now I'm not going to see Happy Feet in quite the same way EVER again. –Jeff.)
(You know, even though he still badly needs a girlfriend or just to get laid, when the Gavel Thrower makes a point, he makes a point. – David)
(Well, we could've done Unchained Melody, but I think the judges would've made us stop the music. Especially if we re-enacted the pottery wheel scene in Ghost. –Blaine.)
