(Dez)
Seeing Gob brought back a lot of feelings I didn't know were still alive inside. He still looked the same, exactly the same, and damn that was nice. It's nice to see a friendly face, the way it was as you left it. It relaxed me, and when I hugged him, I felt so safe and comforted. As if he was with me for the past five years. Whatever sadness I felt by coming back…Gob took it away. Seeing an old friend, it's nice. After being away for so long.
I'm excited to be here, actually. It's the last place I called 'home'. The place I spent when I didn't know who I was, the place I last had sex with Charon in. But Charon isn't my reason for being here. I don't want to think he is. I came to see Gob, and I'm going to stay with Gob for a few days, and catch up. I'm not going to go out of my way to find Charon, but if he asks for my help with Point Lookout, hell I'll help. Maybe getting back into the game will make my old bones young again.
Lighting up a cigarette, I close my eyes and rest my head on the back of the chair. Zack's grown up so big. He's so strong and curious. Those big, black eyes of his remind me of Gob, his face looks like Nova's, but he has Gob's smile. He likes me, which makes me happy, and he looks human. I'll ask Gob the gritty details of fatherhood later, when the lights are off and it's just me and him. Not in this blazing sun or heat. Hopefully the tower still provides a good supplement of food, too. I haven't had a Capital Wasteland meal in lord knows how long.
I hear footsteps behind me, but I pay them no mind. Probably a resident. If it was Gob, he would have said something. Being back here is bittersweet. Sure I'm thrilled to see Gob, but I know eventually I'll have to face Charon. Him and his 'tramp' wife, or whatever she is to him. Do people even marry out here? I don't know, I've never witnessed it. Messing with my Pip-Boy, I can hear Three Dog loud and clear. I smile, letting it bring back memories.
"Excuse me, miss?"
I nearly jump a mile into the air. I didn't expect someone to come talk to me. Turning around I look up, and I feel like throwing up whatever is in my empty stomach.
"…Shit."
I mutter. Charon takes a step back, his balance off and uneasy. I stand up, pushing the chair away from me. I probably shouldn't do that, I might need it later, but whatever. Looking up at him, I swallow hard. He hasn't changed. He's stayed exactly the same, exactly as I remember him. It's me, who's changed. Me, who became different. I stare at his dusty armor sprinkled with blood, the cigarette burning in his hand. It reminds me I have one of my own, but I don't care. I look into his white and blue filmy eyes, and I feel my heart skip beats, my knees go weak. I fight off the feelings, mask them behind a brave face.
Too bad…I'm not so brave right now.
"…Dez?"
He whispers, so soft I almost miss that he said my name. I stare at him, and run my fingers through my ponytail. I didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want to see him so soon. I wanted to sit with Gob, talk, warm myself up to the idea of seeing my first and last love. Seeing the first person to make me feel safe, warm, to travel to hell and bring me up to the heavens above. I've never talked about Charon to anyone. I've never thought of our times we shared, unless it was in the privacy of my own mind, when I was alone, without anyone near me. I never let anyone see just how much the man in front of me meant.
And all of a sudden, after five years, and him standing in front of me, it's shattered. I spent five years, learning how to live and cope without him. Trying to convince myself that we were over, that I'd never feel this way again. But here I am, standing in front of him, feeling everything just as fresh and as new as the day we first met in the Ninth Circle
"…Yeah. Yeah it's me."
I mutter, avoiding eye contact. Before I can say anything else, I feel him scoop me in his arms, a public display of affection that five years ago, he would never do. He lifts me from the ground, burying his face in the nape of my neck. I feel his arms pressing against my back, his hand gripping the back of my head. I rest on his shoulder, feeling his heart beating against the palm of my hand as I place it on his chest. He breathes, sending wisps of my hair flying.
"I've missed you."
He mutters, gripping me tighter. I've never heard him be so informal, so casual, so…normal.
"…Yeah…me too."
I can't find the words, I'm too shocked. I'm too much in disarray. I feel him slowly letting me back on the ground, his arms releasing their grip. A part of me doesn't want them to go, but the mature part of me cancels that out. It's over, Dezbe. It's over. Charon looks at me, examining my face, looking me over. It has been five years. Five long, long, years.
"I thought you were dead, Dez."
"What? Me, dead? No. The world isn't that lucky."
I say, smiling a bit, and I start toying with my ponytail.
"What made you come back? Where have you been?"
I sigh, trying to avoid his eyes.
"I uh, kind of just told Gob everything and don't want to repeat it right now. Uh, I guess I just missed home."
"I thought you hated it here?"
"Home is home is home, Charon."
Saying his name aloud, saying it to him…it's new, fresh, clean.
"We have a lot to talk about."
He tells me, and I nod.
"Yeah…I know. I guess I have a lot to explain, but so do you."
"Yes. I do."
Without hesitation, I remember the necklace, and grab the chain around my neck. Unclasping it, I hold it out to him.
"I came to…give this back. I figured…you might want it."
He stares at it dangling in my hand, shimmering in the sun.
"I can't believe you kept it…"
I nod, and push it towards him.
"It's yours, take it. I didn't come here…for recollection. For reconciliation. I came here to get closure. Now that I have it, I want to give it back."
I glance up at him, his eyes. There's a glint, a glint I recognize but don't want to acknowledge.
"I would prefer if you kept it."
"Charon!"
I sudden loud screech makes me jerk my hand back. I look behind Charon, and see a beautiful woman with long, blonde hair. She catches my eyes, and I feel angry. For a minute, we stare at one another, before she storms over and grabs his arm.
"Who's this?"
She demands, and I slip the necklace into my pocket.
"Uh, Lily, this is Dez. Dez, this is Lily."
"His girlfriend. I've heard of you, Dez."
She spits my name out like a bad taste. I look up at Charon, and I suddenly realize what those songs about heartbreak mean. Leaving him five years ago was never as painful as this. I guess no matter how over someone you are, seeing they're with someone else still hurts.
"Wish I could say the same about you."
I spit back, masking my emotions. I cross my arms, and look her up and down. She is beautiful, and not tainted with scars like I am. Not tainted with anything, like I am.
"Right well, what brings you back here?"
She holds Charon's arm like she'd die without it.
"Dez came to see old friends."
Charon tells her. His voice is different when he speaks to her, like he's walking on eggshells. Seeing them together is a bit more than I bargained for.
"Yeah."
I agree.
"Well, now that you have I suggest you pack your things and scurry on out of here."
Lily smirks at me, and I smirk back.
"Actually I'm staying with Gob. I was just about to go up and see him, too. It was nice seeing you again, Charon."
I move past them, but the old me peeks through, and I have to let it come out for the fun of it.
"Oh, Charon? If you still want to get together again tonight, I'll be in Gob's apartment."
He never said a damn thing about getting together, but it's my little revenge. The look on Lily's eyes as I walk away, the look on Charon's face, is totally worth it. Pushing open the doors to the tower, I leave Charon with the demon-wench from hell and begin my climb up the stairs.
Ghoul residents stare at me. They whisper among themselves, I hear my name every once in a while, but I don't care. I need to see Gob. I need a stiff drink and a long smoke. I need to clear my head. I remember now, why I left this place. My head feels so clouded when I'm here. So foggy and…horrible.
I find Gob's apartment and let myself in. He's sitting at a desk, and I notice Zack sleeping in a small bed. The room is cool, refreshing from the hot, sticky air outside. Gob looks at me, and I smirk.
"So I just met Charon's new trophy wife."
Gob rolls his eyes and turns away from me. I slide down the door, sitting on the floor in front of it.
"I take it she didn't like you."
He says but I ignore him. Blankly, I stare off into space. It's been five years. Five years. I spent so much time telling myself that it was over, that I didn't feel anything but an old fondness for Charon. But seeing him…so suddenly…seeing him with her…tears me up inside. Like a Yao Guai came from nowhere and turned me into its breakfast lunch and dinner. I feel tears shine up in my eyes, making everything blurry and translucent. I spent five years lying to myself, to mask what was really there. As mature as I've become, when it comes to Charon, I'm that little nineteen-year-old girl again, looking for someone to save her. Looking for…for someone to care.
"You alright kid?"
I turn my head towards Gob, and blink, letting the tears slide down my face.
"…I didn't expect this, Gob."
I whisper, because I'm scared of waking Zack. Because I can't speak any louder than that. I wipe tears from my cheeks. I haven't cried in years, since before I left this place the first time. It feels different, it feels good, to let it out. I'm still resisting, but…but I know I have to do it.
"Hey, kid, hey…"
Gob gets up and walks over to me. He sits beside me, and cradles me in his arms. I feel like a kid. Like an immature little brat, crying on her best friend's shoulder.
"I didn't want to come home to this…"
I tell him, my hand on his arm. He rubs my shoulder, trying to comfort me but it's not working. It's been so long, it feels like forever. I wanted to come here and be happy, feel happy, and I did. But I had to ruin it by seeing him, seeing Charon with that witch of a woman. I didn't know it would hurt this much, that old wounds could come back so fierce.
"Kid, hey it's alright…"
I shake my head at Gob, letting the tears come out as quietly as I can.
"I…I thought it would be different. Five years…and…so much and…"
"If you were really over him, would you be crying right now?"
I look into Gob's brown eyes, and I realize he's right. I shake my head, wiping my cheeks.
"I guess…you're right. It's been…so long though…I thought I'd be okay."
"Well obviously you aren't. What are you going to do?"
Gob seems hell-bent on getting me back together with Charon. He helps me to my feet, and I sigh and look around the room. He hands me a cigarette and I'm thankful for that. I need a drink, too, but I'll get that later on. I'll go down to the small bar and order a whiskey. I need something stronger, but whatever. I put the cigarette in my mouth, and Gob lights it.
"I don't know, Gob. He has a family, and hell…it's still been too long."
"Not his family. Some other guy's."
"Gob…"
I sigh and he turns and tosses his lighter on the desk. Turning back to me, I can tell he's serious.
"Listen here, kid. I lost the one woman I ever loved. Hell if I had a shot with her again, I'd take it, I've told you this. You have a prime shot at someone you loved, and still love. Dez for all you know, you could never have this shot again. You might not ever find someone again."
"I know, Gob. I know, okay? Just…I need to be alone."
Gob nodded, and I left. God knows where I'm going. Away from here, for now anyways. I need to clear my head, clear whatever is going on. I leave the tower, not for good, but for a little. I venture out into the courtyard, and look around. It's all the same, just as I left it. Maybe a little older, a little more ruined, but it's still here. My friends are here, somewhere. Charon. I had someone waiting this whole time, I just didn't know it.
The way he looked at me, looked like a wounded dog. It was…it was saddening but still bright. I felt so happy to see him, my heart raced so fast I thought it would stop completely. I never thought I'd feel that way again, never thought I'd have those emotions. But they were there, inside of me, alive and new. I remember the first night we spent together, and the bruise that formed around my wrist. He saved me twice that night, saved me more times after. He's always had my back in a fight. Always there whenever I called or needed him. He's here now, maybe not in the same way, but he's here.
Maybe Gob's right. Maybe I should pursue him once again. Once, I believed love was all I ever needed. I hated being alone, I needed someone constantly, all the time, I needed him. I had always hoped love was real, and it was. For me, anyways. But no, now he has a family. A girlfriend who's gorgeous and beautiful, a kid who I've never met. Me? Me I'm Dezbe. I've been with other men since him, I'm covered in white scars and I've got a past. But…I don't know. It would be so wrong of me to take him. I can't do that to someone.
"Dezbe, right?"
I hear from behind me. Turning I see Lily, Charon's beautiful girlfriend. Her blond hair blows in the wind, and she wears a light pink pre-war dress. She's prettier than I could ever hope to be.
"Actually it's just Dez."
I won't let her see my emotions. I'm going to put up my tough side, make her think that I'm badass, that I don't care. When in reality, all I want to do is run up to Charon and cry my eyes out.
"Right, whatever. I need to speak with you."
She walks towards me and I know it's all business. I toss out my cigarette and cross my arms in front of my chest. Lily walks over, and stops a few feet in front of me.
"I came to tell you to keep your slimy paws away from Charon."
I smirk at her, shaking my head.
"You're kidding me, right?"
"I know what type of woman you are, I've heard the stories. I don't need you coming back here and messing up the greatest thing I've got."
"I don't know you, Lily, and frankly you're not making a great impression on me. But trust me, the last thing I want is Charon back."
Lie.
"Oh, right, because you came back here for nothing."
"Actually I came to give this to him. Here, you take it back. I'm sure you'll have more use of it than me."
I reach into my pocket and pull out the necklace. Thrusting it into her hand, I snarl at her. What a fucking bitch, man.
"What is this?"
She asks, toying with the necklace.
"Ask Charon. Its part of his past. I'm sure he's told you all about that, though."
I see in her eyes he hasn't. I know more about him than she could ever dream. I know everything about Charon, I have history and memories with him, but…they can never be relived. I guess this is what it's like, when it all comes crashing down. Lily gives me a snotty glance and storms away from me, leaving me standing with nothing. I have nothing of Charon's now. Nothing to have, to hold on to. I have no more reason to be here, but I don't want to leave. I don't know why.
The memories we shared should be just that, memories. Nothing more, nothing less. They should never be relived or any of that ever again. Even though I know this, I can't accept it. I don't want to lock them away. I've kept them as far from me as I can imagine, for five years. Now, with it all spread out in front of me, I can't seem to lock them away again.
"Fuck. I need a drink."
I mutter to myself, and head back inside.
