A/N: I don't own Instant Star or the song Breakdown by Daughtry. I wish I could write music like that, but I can't. I guess I'll just stick to fan fic. Things are going to be changing a little, going a little AU, maybe a lot more later on. I hope you like it. Thanks for all the fab reviews.
Saturday, late afternoon, I was working on a song that was stuck in my head. I had my guitar in my hands, my notebook on top of the piano. I kept changing the chord variation, but I still couldn't get it right and it was driving me crazy.
Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?
Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.
I totally forgot Kwest was coming over until he walked in. "Hey man, that's a pretty messed up song, who crapped on you?" I stopped playing and jotted down the chords before I forgot them. "I'm having some family issues right now." Yeah, the song wasn't totally about family though. Kwest sat down on the couch and looked at me, waiting to see if I would continue. Sometimes I wouldn't say much, but there were times when I spilled my guts. I guess today was one of them. "Tristan called me and told me mom's getting worse. I don't know what else I can do for them. She won't accept my help, can barely stand the sight of me. I know I deserve some of it, but I wish she'd just stop and really look at me. I've changed Kwest, I'm no longer the guy I was then." Kwest stood up and put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "Sorry man, I know how much you've changed and how much this hurts you. Let me know if there's anything you need me to do, K?" My throat closed up. "Thanks man."
Kwest was one of the few people who knew what my home life was like before I joined Boyz Attack. My mom was a drinker then, only not as bad as she is now. I walked over to the window and stared out at the nearby park. I could see were Jude and I went one afternoon to work on a song. I picked this apartment complex mostly because of the security, but I fell in love with the view. "So, are we hanging out here, at the bar, or are you going to finish that song?" I thought for a minute. I had too much chasing around in my mind to stay here by myself. I'd probably slam my guitar into a wall or something. Nah, not my guitar, maybe throw a book though. "The bar sounds good." I turned around and looked at what he was wearing. I definitely needed to change. "Give me ten minutes."
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We walk in to a crowd, everyone is out tonight. I push past the crowd at the bar and head to the back, Kwest follows. We sit at our usual table; I was surprised there was even one left tonight. I notice Kwest isn't doing his normal perusal of the ladies. "What's up man? Don't let my bad mood affect your plans for the night." He shook his head and laughed. "Man, I think I'm growing up. I'm just not interested in picking up quickies anymore." I look at him, he's serious. Just to make sure I ask him "So, you're not interested in miss long leggy blonde heading this way?" He didn't even turn to look, just shook his head no. We sat in silence for awhile, enjoying the beers we ordered, watching the crowd.
"T." I turned back to Kwest and nodded. "Anything else you need to spill?" I shook my head no. No way was I spilling anything about Jude. "Just checking, I know you haven't been getting much sleep lately." I taped my ring on my bottle, thinking for a moment. "I think I got it covered. It's mostly the family stuff, but I got it under wraps now. There's really nothing for me to do. I can't change the past and I can't change stuff that isn't in my power to do so. I'm slowly accepting that and moving on." At least I hope so. Kwest nodded. "Cool. I don't want to be waking you up in the studio on Monday." I groaned. "Hey, we're almost done with Shay's album, so just hold on and we can celebrate when he's gone." I grinned. "Yeah, I'm definitely rolling out the red carpet for his departure."
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Sunday afternoon I finally nailed it. It took awhile, but my song was done. It felt like I wiped the slate clean, all the negative things, the nightmares and crap that was bringing me down was washed away. I just hoped it would last for awhile. I grabbed my iPod and headed out to my favorite café, Piazza Venezia. There were a few things almost as calming as billboard mp3s and a double espresso. It would have been better if I didn't have to sign an autograph every five minutes, but hey, I can't fault the fans. I was just about wrapping it up for the day when Sadie walked by.
"Sadie, hey!" I don't know why I called out to her, maybe because I don't think she hangs out in this part of town or something like that. We talk for a while, she's taking advanced Italian, and I let her practice on me. I don't know what's going on in her head, but she was definitely flirting and trying to score a date. I couldn't even picture me going out with her. "Look, my friend cancelled on me for Friday. Maybe you wanna hang out?" I drank the last of my espresso, "Sorry, I'm kind of busy." Nope, couldn't take a hint. "Well, I'm also free on Saturday." I wrapped my ear buds around my iPod before shoving it into my back pocket. "I'm kind of busy then too, later Sadie." I walked off before she could try again.
It's not that I don't think she's pretty, she is, but I'm just not interested. I wandered on home, stopping here and there to look into a store window. You could never start your Christmas shopping too early. I looked at the setting sun and just tried to soak in the peace from today. Tomorrow was going to be painful. The happy couple would be hanging out in my studio all day long. Oh, I almost forgot their third wheel, T-Bone. Oh well, I'll just keep my cool and let it all slide away.
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I took a break from the sound booth, leaving Kwest to keep everyone on track. Jude had, of course, written another fantastic song and was laying down the guitar tracks. Shay and T-Bone were helping her along by being a pain in my backside. Georgia saw me in the reception area and walked over. "How's it going in there?" She nodded to studio one. I finished pouring my coffee before turning to her. "She'll have it nailed by Friday. That is if twiddle dee and twiddle dum let her work." She reached past me for a bag of pretzels. "Yeah, but don't let them hear their new nicknames, they're money in the bank." I shook my head and walked off. It always comes down to the dollar sign. Georgia's not as bad as some people, namely, Darius. At least with the video out and Shay's new album just about done, she doesn't have to worry too hard, but I know she's not out of deep waters yet.
I heard a crash come from studio one and turned around. Shay was helping T-Bone up off the floor. I really didn't want to know how that happened. At least nothing looked broken. If any of the equipment was damaged, heads would roll, no matter what Georgia said. I decided I had enough of a break, time to assert some control in there. Kwest looked up as I walked in. "She needs to redo the last stanza and then she's golden." I tripped the intercom. "Okay kids, let's see if Jude can finish this and then we can all go home. Start is up again Jude." I sat down and watched Shay and T-Bone try to make Jude laugh. I couldn't wait until they were out of here. I heard a rumor that Shay might be going on tour. I'll probably find out for sure in a few days. Rumors like that tend to be true.
Jude managed to get it in one take, I couldn't ask for a better one than that. They took off pretty quick; I guess hanging around here wasn't number one on their list. Thank goodness. I turned to Kwest, he was backing up today's work on a hard drive. "So, I heard Shay might be going on tour. He laid down his last track, how's the mixing coming along?" Kwest wouldn't let me near any of his tracks now that we had all the basics down. Kwest was the king of mixing, he could take something that sounded like crap and turn it into tomorrow's hottest hit. "I'm almost done; I'll probably finish it tomorrow. I heard that rumor too, you know what they say." I stood up. "Yeah, it's probably true, see you later man."
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Wednesday night, Kwest and I were in the sound booth, watching Shay's and T-Bone's antics. Some were funny, but mostly they were annoying, especially when they made Jude mess up. They've been hanging out with Jude all week. Every time Jude has laid anything down this week, it's been with those two in the room. I turned to Kwest "It's like she can't record without him here anymore. I mean, what does she see in him?" Kwest laughs, I know, stupid question, I already know the answer. Jude laughs and Kwest rekeys the music. "Money, fame, talent? You're right, complete mystery." I shook my head. "That's a rhetorical question man, I know what she sees in Shay, I was Shay." Jude laughed again, she obviously can't concentrate. I have better things to do than to waste my time here. "Kwest cut it."
I got up and stalked to the recording booth. They were going to get a piece of my mind. I pointed at Shay and T-Bone. "You just blew a good take." Shay just shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. "Relax, that was her fifth good take." Of course Jude has to make peace, "It's okay, I'll sing it again, it's fine." Not going to happen. I think it'd take a miracle for Shay and I to get along. "You know my girls been rocking the mike all night. The song's done Quincy, we've got places to hit." What did he say? If I could, I'd throw hit out on his face this second, but Georgia would kill me. I round on him "It's done when I say it's done. Shay Shay." T-Bone started backing me up away from Shay, I guess he's smarter than he looks, 'cause it most definitely would have come to fists in a minute. Lucky for us, Jude intervened and shoved them both out the door.
"What is up with you two lately?" Yeah, it's hasn't been our best days lately. "I'm just worried about you Jude, you're losing focus." Take tonight for example. We wasted hours in here for what? So Shay and T-bone could play around? She slammed her fist on her hip and gave me her 'I want to hurt you' look. "I sang the song every way you asked me to Tommy, if you're not happy with it, then maybe the problem is you." Okay, maybe she had a point, she did do everything I asked, it just took three times as long tonight. Before I could reply Shay came in and dragged Jude away. I walked back into the sound booth and found Kwest pretending interest in an old cup of coffee.
"Yeah, we check the recordings and see what we have. Hopefully it'll be something worth our time from tonight." Kwest stood up and grabbed his bag. "I can't tonight, I have a date." I sit down and look up at him "When did this happen? I thought you swore off of one night stands?" He ran his hand through his hair and laughed. "Yeah, I did. I've got a date with Sadie though. She came in yesterday and was looking for Jude to go shopping for a prom dress. Jude already left with Shay so Sadie and I talked for awhile and one thing led to another." I chuckled, "Have fun." At least she's out of my hair for now. I turned to the mixing board as he took off. Everyone's having fun tonight but me. Oh well, I could go home to an empty apartment and my guitar, but then I'd feel like it was staring me down, waiting for the next song to come pouring out of me. Yeah, better see what I can scrape up for Georgia in the morning.
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Thursday I had a reprieve from the trio. Georgia gave me the good news after she listened to the song Jude recorded, 'Your Eyes'. "It's great, I love it. Great work Tommy, I know it's been rough. I've seen some of the things going on in there. You have a free day today; Jude's shopping for a dress for tomorrow night." I looked at her and gauged her overall mood. It's always good to wait until she was in her happy place before asking for favors. She was definitely there this morning. "Georgia, since I don't have any other bands coming in today, could I use the studio to lay down some of my own tracks? You know, just personal stuff?" She smiled at me. "Yeah, but only if you're not needed elsewhere today." "Thanks." I walked out and headed over to the couch where Kwest was sitting, chilling. "Hey man, I need your magic today. Georgia gave me the okay for my use of the studio. I want to lay down 'Breakdown'." He grinned at me and refilled his coffee mug before following me into the studio.
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A few hours later, I had the acoustic version down, later I'd see about adding in some drums and bass. I put away my guitar and walked into the sound booth. Kwest handed me my hard drive back. "That's great, I haven't heard much of what you've written lately, but if it's like that, you could have a kick ass album there." I shrugged. I've been down that road, trying to get my solo career off the ground after Boyz Attack. Yeah, it didn't do too well. "I think I'll just keep this private for now, but thanks." I shoved the drive into my bag and sat down next to him. "So, how'd it go last night?" Kwest lit up like a freakin' Christmas tree. "Amazing! We have so much in common; we were talking for hours man. I'm taking her out later this weekend." I nodded, not much to say. "Yeah, that's great." We hung out for awhile before calling it quits for the day. Kwest walked away with plans for tonight and I walked away to head home to an empty apartment. I wouldn't normally mind, but lately I've been getting cabin fever. Normally, Jude and I would hang out a couple times a week; either working on music or talking. Ever since Shay showed up though, it hasn't been happening. Maybe I'd take a drive somewhere.
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Friday afternoon I was in the lounge refilling my coffee mug. Shay and T-bone were playing football. I'd just heard the news from Georgia this morning that the rumor was true, Shay has a tour coming up fast. I walked over to Shay. "Just heard the news about your new tour man, congratulations." I can feel freedom fast approaching, just a few days and he'll be gone. "Thanks man, I still gotta sign the contract, but France, Italy, U.K.? Hey, it's all good." Yeah, been there, done that. It was a blast. T-bone came up to us with the football in his hands. "You do remember rule number one of the road though, right?" "Yeah, I remember the rule." Sometimes I wonder if T-Bone is dense or something, if Shay looked at me like he was looking at T-Bone, I'd probably have left it alone, or not. "No attachments." "Mind your own 'aight." I just looked at Shay for a moment, tapping my ring against my coffee mug. I wonder when he'll tell Jude he's leaving. I walked back to the studio to work on some more mixing. I wanted to make sure Jude's song was perfect before I handed it to her.
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Maybe I'm being selfish, okay, I admit, I am totally selfish. How else am I going to see Jude in her prom dress that she spent days searching for? I decided tonight would be a good time to drop by and give her the cd. I had to do some fast talking because it was evident she was still mad at me. "Don't slam the door, we need to talk." I was disappointed; she wasn't wearing a dress tonight. Instead she was wearing hip hugging jeans, a green and black shirt covered by a black velvet jacket. She still looked pretty good though.
She pulled the front door shut behind her, "Tommy, now really isn't a good time." I could tell by the dozen roses she held that it definitely wasn't. I handed her the cd I just finished mixing. "It's the song we were recording." She took it and looked at me. "Yeah?" Time to eat dirt and get out of here. "Shay was right, you nailed it." She smiled. "Look, I know you have problems with Shay, but you just don't know him like I do." Okay, I so didn't want to go over all the problems I had with Shay. "I…" I was about to say that I was going to take off, but Sadie blew it by opening the door and cutting my off. "Tommy, what are you doing here?" I was about to say I'm leaving but once again, steamrolled. She called back into the house that I was staying for dinner and then dragged me inside. I really had better things to do on a Friday night.
The family was already set to sit down at the table, so Sadie dragged me over to the chair next to hers. Stewart offered me some wine and I accepted; I'll probably need it by the end of dinner. Shay and Jude were sitting across from me and I could tell that they both didn't want me here. Dinner was progressing okay, Stewart and Sadie carrying most of the conversation with Shay getting in a few digs at me. Of course, I threw my share back at him. Stewart turned to me. "How's Shay's next album sounding Tommy? Jude says it's almost done." I couldn't resist giving Shay something to be worried about; he'd know right away I wasn't talking about his album but about him. "I'd say it was complex, not what it seems on the surface." Stewart nodded and Jude, sensing dangerous waters, changed the subject. "Dad, how's the wine that Shay brought you?" Okay, throw in my face that Shay brought all these nice dinner gifts, but then I wasn't planning on staying for dinner, and of course, I wouldn't dream of trying to buy the family's affection.
Stewart took another sip of wine before replying. "Chateau Dupree 82, this is hype, too bad only three of us can drink it." I had to admit, it was a really excellent wine. Shay saw an opportunity and moved in. "That's right; I forget how old you are Tom. It's funny in this business, how quickly we pass our prime." Now Sadie was trying to bring about peace, maybe she should try for a position with the United Nations. "So Shay, what's next for you, new album, more videos?" I raised my wineglass and blurted out what has been on my mind all week. "How about a three month world tour?" Of course he hasn't told Jude yet, I wonder when he was planning on it, probably never. "There's no world tour." She looked back and forth between Shay and me. "Is there a world tour?" Shay sank down in his chair, "Well, we're still finalizing the details, but…" He trailed off and Jude pierced me with her look. Jeez, I've gotten it so many times this week; I'm getting sick of being on her bad side.
She stood up. "Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second Tom?" I placed my napkin on the table and followed her. She turned on me and started pointing her finger into my chest. "What was that? What's your problem?" This is so not happening. "What, he's lying to you and I'm still the bad guy?" When is she going to wake up and see the real Shay? "Maybe he's just waiting for a good time to tell me, Nancy Drew." I couldn't help it, I exploded. "He wasn't going to tell you. Look, Jude, when I was on the road, I had a different girl in every city." Jude sighed. "That's just the life of a superstar." She looked at me like I was scum. "No it isn't Tommy. It's the life of a super jerk. Look at you. I think you're jealous because Shay has the solo career you wanted after Boyz Attack, right?" I'm stunned, I can't look at her. That was a low blow, even for her. She came up to me and put her hand on my arm. "Okay, I didn't mean for it to come out like that." I just shook my head. "I was just watching your back." She took her hand away and backed up. "Don't. I don't need it."
I was saved from saying something stupid by Vicki. "Jude, Kat and Jamie are here." Jude walked to the door and turned back to me. "I have to go to a dance now. With my boyfriend." Yeah, I know she thinks I need reminding of that sometimes, but I really don't. I hope she woke up soon. "He may be your boyfriend Jude, but you're not his girlfriend. Just ask him, ask him what the number one rule of the road is." I brushed past her and sat back down in my chair. Jude and Shay took off without giving Kat and Jamie a chance to say hi to anyone.
Sadie and I were quietly talking when Vicki walked in with dessert. She lit it and it burst into flames. "Mom, its baked Alaska, not nuked Alaska!" I hid my smile. "Oh dear!" She ran to get something to put out the flames with. Stewart was at the bookcase pulling out his Dylan records. Sadie nudged me and nodded at him. "Save yourself okay?" Stewart walked back into the dining room with a record in his hands. "I found it Tom. Montreal '75, when Dylan opens with his version of 'When I paint my Masterpiece'. I had gooseflesh. Ever see it?" Yeah, way before my time. "Actually I wasn't born yet." He was in the zone; I don't think a nuclear warhead would stop him from telling us all about his records. "Right, but Dylan's next concert, now that was legend."
I didn't know what to do so I just nodded. That was the wrong thing to do. "I think I have it in the basement." He got up to go to the basement but stopped to say "This is so much fun for me, you have no idea." I looked at Sadie, I was a drowning man. She laughed, "I'll get you out of here, if you take me out tonight." I stood up and looked down at her. "Sadie, I'll take you to Paris as long as Kwest doesn't kill me when we get back." She stood up and grabbed her purse before yelling "Dad, Tom's taking me to the movies." She grabbed my hand and we were out of there. Once outside, I held the car door open for her. "Do you really want to go to a movie?" I jumped in on my side and buckled up. "No, coffee will be fine, but I'm warning you. I plan to pick your brain on Kwest." I started the engine. "Coffee it is."
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Saturday afternoon we were in the studio again. Jude was laying down guitar tracks and I was telling Kwest all about last night. "So, Sadie now has a lot of ammo to use whenever you guys get into a fight, be careful man." I laughed at his wounded look. "I can't believe you did that man! You should have never told her the story about that time in Vegas. I'll never live it down." I dodged the love tap he threw. "Hey man, it was war in that house, I had to get away from Stewart, the man was crazy!" We both turned as Shay stepped into the sound booth. "Hey, can I talk to Jude for a minute?" I hit the intercom, "Jude, you got a visitor." She looked up at me and I pointed to the door where Shay was standing.
Kwest and I pretended not to notice or listen to the conversation they were having in the recording booth. "So I got my tour dates firmed up, I'm leaving Monday. Look, Jude, I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about the whole tour thing. I totally screwed up there. I'm new at this. Okay. But I'm really, really trying." Jude turned back to her music journal and made a notation in it. "So am I Shay, I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm just asking for a normal boyfriend." Okay, she still doesn't have her head on straight. Shay moved closer to her. "I mean, that's the problem. I hate to tell you, but you left normal a long time ago. You're a star girl. Besides, why be normal when we can be exceptional together?" Jude looked up at him, their faces close to each others. "Okay, but what about rule number one? When are you going to break up with me?" He moved in closer. "Rules are meant to be broken."
Kwest leaned into me as they kissed. "Did you warn Jude about Shay?" I thought about something Sadie said last night. We talked quite a bit about Jude and Shay after I satisfied her curiosity about Kwest. "Jude's a big girl, she can look after herself." Kwest just shook his head. I grabbed my coffee mug and went to get a refill. I swear I live off of coffee and music. I reminded myself once more as I was pouring coffee, Jude can take care of herself and she's not my girlfriend, nowhere close.
