He hadn't meant to say it. It was one of those times where he could actually see the words leaving his lips, watch them hanging there in the air between them, hovering through the void he had unintentionally created.
" I'm sorry." He muttered at seeing the expression on her face. " I didn't mean it that way." Now he was just filling the air with pointless new words, hoping to hide the ones he hadn't mean to say in the clutter.
" How exactly did you mean it, Cap ?" she asking shifting nervously on her own small bed.
He shrugged trying to lighten the suddenly heavy mood. " Okay, I did mean it. But it doesn't matter now. I fucked it up. I missed my opportunity of a lifetime. It's something I'll always regret."
He hated talking about his feelings. He hated putting himself out there and giving her a chance to stomp on him all over again. He wished she was, at least, cruel about it. But she never was. If she were cruel, he could be angry with her. He wanted to be angry, it would help him not feel so vulnerable. If he could just wrap his anger around him like a shield, he might be able to come through this without too much injury. But he couldn't. He had no reason to be angry with anyone other than himself. And that didn't help him now.
" I don't want you to look back at our time together with regret." She said breaking the silence.
" How could I not, Case ? I screwed up. If I had been paying attention, if I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, who knows what could have happened." He explained.
She studied him quietly for so long he was afraid she wasn't ever going to talk to him again.
" It wasn't all you fault." She told him finally. " I did my share of screwing it up."
" It's over." He mumbled. " Let's just go to bed."
" Is it really over ? " She asked out of the blue as she shifted sliding back under her blankets.
How was he supposed to answer that ? Honestly, no he couldn't do that. Honesty would send her running back to the tiny dorm room to play summer camp with the girl so fast it would make his head spin. He hated lying to her. Whatever else he had done to her, he had never lied. But maybe a small lie for both their sakes was what was best.
" Yes. It really is over." He answered though the words sounded hallow and meaningless even to his own ears.
Of course it wasn't over. It would never be over, not for him. She was more than just the opportunity of a lifetime for him. She was the love of his lifetime, as well. He knew the minute he spied her across the crowded backyard of the Kappa Tau house. Still today he found himself standing near the porch sometimes, looking out towards the spot where he had first seen her, imagining her like she was then. She had been so innocent, so full of life and love. Care free and unburdened by what would become her life. It killed him at times, seeing her beautiful, narrow shoulders sagging with the stresses of her life. Stresses that she inflicted on herself. It didn't have to be the way she was making it. College was the last time in their lives where they could enjoy the fact that they were still kids for the most part. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was taking the notion to extremes, but if so, she was doing it, too. Only just the opposite of him. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her smile, heard the melody of her mesmerizing laugh. Even before the tornado. Even before her world was brought down around her in shambles.
And Max, Max was a catalyst for her. A champion that rallied her determination to suck all the fun out of life. He wondered if Max had ever even heard her laugh. Cappie couldn't imagine anyone, after hearing it just once, not doing everything in their power to make it happen all the time. If he could somehow figure out how to capture that laugh and fill himself up with so that it was the only noise he ever heard again, he could die happy.
Max was a douche that had no idea what he actually had. He couldn't appreciate her the way Cappie did. The very part of her that made her so unbelievable was the same part that Max deterred. Or maybe it was the fact that Max didn't really deter anything. He wasn't ever happy or sad or mad or moody. He was always just Max. There was no challenge in that. It was like Max went through his days existing instead of living and Casey was going along for the ride. That killed him, too. Casey was so vibrant, so spontaneous and flirty and bubbly and vivacious. At least that was how he remembered her, how he would always remember her. Seeing her like she was now drove him crazy. It was like a knife stabbing into his chest over and over again. She was killing the part of her that made her so incredibly and Max was helping her do it.
He shifted, easing his gaze to her face to find that she was already asleep. He propped his head up and studied her carefully.
She looked so tired, so strained. She looked like a woman stretched beyond her means. And that killed him, as well.
He never wanted her to have to worry about anything. Never wanted anything from the outside to touch her, to cause her brow to furrow, her lips to tug down in a frown. He never wanted her to have to worry about anything.
He knew that it wasn't possible. But he wished there was someway for him to be able to cover her, protect her, take all the stress on himself so that it couldn't reach her.
It wasn't his part to play in her life anymore. He found himself repeating that statement over and over all the time. No matter who she was with, no matter what she was doing or where she was, she would always be 'HIS' Casey. He had been trying to deprogram his brain for too long, to disconnect the words so that they didn't seem to just belong together anymore. Nothing had worked. For months he had chided himself, cursed himself, fought himself before he finally gave up. Nothing would ever change the sentiment for him. Until the day he died, he knew without a doubt that she would still be 'HIS' Casey.
Cappie wasn't a spiritual man. His parents were, always praying to the Goddess or the trees or the Earth or whatnot. But he had never jumped on that particular bandwagon. He wasn't really a religious man either. He had no idea what was up there looking down over all the little people, probably in something akin to disgust unless he missed his guess. But he did know that something was up there, maybe many somethings, maybe just the one, but it was something. And whatever that something was, it had created Casey for him. Just like it had created him for her.
Whatever it was, up there looking down had the power of some awesome foresight. It knew what both of them were going to need in their lives.
Casey needed someone to help her see the fun in life, something Cappie was an expert at. Cappie needed someone to keep him grounded and focused, something Casey did best. She was Yin to his Yang. Peas to his pod. Socks to his shoes. They just plain fit.
He couldn't understand why she didn't see it to. It was so obvious. They would be so good together now. Now that some time had past, some growing had been done.
Maybe the first time wasn't their time. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe there was a lesson that both of them had to learn in order to be better the next time. Cappie knew if he was ever privileged enough to be allowed to hold her again, he would never make the same mistakes he had before. He would do everything in his power, spend every waking moment of his life dedicating himself to making her feel loved and appreciated and adored.
He ran his hand over his face, stopping for a moment to scratch at the stumble on his cheek. He needed to take a moment suddenly, a moment to do something manly before a bunch of men broke through the door and demanded his ' Man card'.
She was turning him into Celine Dion or Barry Manilow. He felt that if he didn't stop his line of thinking, he just might jump up and start belting out the love theme from ' Titanic'.
Near, Far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on....
He jumped from the bed, trying to stay as quiet as possible. The last thing he wanted to do was wake her, but he had to get away from her for a minute. Had to find a place in the small room where he couldn't see her. He needed a moment to regain his balance, to pull himself back from the whole situation before he did something stupid and irreversible. Making unbelievable idiotic, rash decisions was kinda his thing. But he knew the signs now at least. He could spot situations where he wasn't thinking as clearly he should be and step back from them. Give himself time to think things through. It was something she had taught him to do actually. Though she had no idea it was her. But seeing her, always so careful, always so thoughtful about every choice she made had changed him.
Something else she had given him in their short time together.
Despite his efforts at keeping quiet, apparently he had woken her. He heard the sound of her body shifting over the cotton sheets and turned back to her, expecting to find her staring back at him.
Instead he found her moving restlessly, eyes still closed in slumber, body rigid as she fought against an invisible foe. Soft noises were escaping her lips and they turned his blood to ice.
He was beside her instantly with absolutely no forethought to the decision. He just knew that something was there, inside her head and he had to save her from whatever it was.
Touching her shoulder lightly, he whispered her name into the darkness of the room. When she made no response, he tried again, shaking her this time and repeating her name more loudly.
It was on the third attempt that her eyes flew open, wild and unbridled as she thrashed out towards him. The moment she recognized him, all the fight was gone from her body and snatched hold of shoulders in something close to desperation.
Her small body clung to his as he held her, smoothing her hair and whispering words of reassurance in her ear. She was shaking so hard it was making him shake as well. Terror still filled her eyes when she finally pulled back and looked at him.
" Are you okay ?" He asked, her hair from her face.
She nodded, but said nothing.
" Has this been happening a lot ?" He said, staring into her large green eyes.
She wet her dry lips with the tip of her tongue. " Define a lot."
" Is this why you haven't been sleeping, Casey ? Are you having nightmares ?" He wasn't about to let her turn the situation into something flippant and unimportant.
" Maybe," She replied in a quiet almost inaudible voice.
" How is this possible ? I sleep less than three feet away from you. How can I not know this ?"
" I didn't want you to. It would just make you worry." She gave him an exasperated look. " Which is exactly what you're doing. See ? I knew it."
" Do you want to talk about it ? Do you remember the dream ?"
" No and yes." She answered definitively.
" Okay." He got up and moved to his own bed. " Is there anything I can do that might help you get some sleep ? You look exhausted."
She cast her eyes down, then back up and then down again.
" Oh, for God's sake, Case, what ?"
" Can I sleep with you tonight ?"
His eyes widened in surprise and he blinked several times trying to determine whether or not he had actually fallen asleep and was now dreaming.
She was blinking at him expectantly from under lowered lashes. She wasn't a woman that liked to admit a weakness or ask for help. He certainly wasn't going to make it any harder on her than it was.
He just lifted the blankets from him and held out his arm until she slid in beside him. Then he wrapped himself around her and buried his face in her unbelievably soft hair.
She was asleep again almost instantly, her small hands wrapped around his forearm that rested over her waist. He drifted off not long after, the smell of her hair and the sound of her breathing lulling him into the most peaceful slumber he had experienced in years.
