"You cut them off, didn't you?" Linda did not sound pleased.
"I did, yes…" Lucifer nodded simply. "But, then they grew back," he added lightly. "So I cut them off again," he gestured casually to his back, his smile a little too un-hinged. "It's like whack a mole back there."
Linda stared at him for a moment, her head nodding subconsciously. "I'm worried about you," she said finally, her tone serious. "What you're describing is self-mutilation."
Lucifer's jaw tightened. "Someone is forcing those wings on me," he replied lowly. "They took away my devil face, and they're trying to-" he cut off, looking away with a sharp sigh of irritation. "I won't stand for someone making me something I'm not."
Linda nodded slowly, her clever gaze piercing. "What are they trying to do that you wouldn't say, Lucifer?" she asked in an even tone.
"Well I'm…" Lucifer sighed lowly. "I'm not certain. But… it has to be connected. I mean, the Detective's been seeing things in her sleep."
Linda frowned this time. "Seeing things?" she repeated. "Like… visions?"
"Of the past. My past, things that have happened…" Lucifer muttered, clearly thinking deeply to himself. "And I will not," he added in a louder tone this time. "Stand for anyone trying to… manipulate her again."
"Lucifer…" Linda began slowly. "What do you mean?"
Lucifer's head was rocking in a slight nod as he held Linda's gaze with that slightly maddened look just glinting in the corner of his eyes. "She came over last night," he told her.
Linda's eyebrows shot up her forehead, a slight smile curving the very corner of her lip. "Oh?" she engaged. "And how was she?"
"She was fine," Lucifer said back. "Too fine really, all things considered. And now of course, because of those visions she knows everything."
Linda looked confused. "Well I mean, you showed her your wings. So… regardless of-"
"No, Doctor, not that," interrupted Lucifer agitatedly. "She knows that Amenadiel blessed her parents, she knows she was put in my path, she knows… everything…" Linda could hear how distraught Lucifer was by this, even if his voice masked it well. "And yet she still… she still thinks her… well, her feelings were her own. Not touchable by my Father's predetermined plan for her."
Linda frowned, not quite keeping up with all of this as she only knew certain bits and pieces of what Lucifer was saying. She shook her head, trying to sort through the information. "Well I agree with her on that. Our feeling are our own, no one force us to actually feel a certain way."
Lucifer had that manic look on his face again. "Oh?" his voice was quiet, his growing anger barely constrained. "And do you feel in control when I ask you what you desire, Doctor?" he continued lowly, and, though his eyes were smouldering, his voice hypnotizing… pulling her in… Linda could still almost depict a tone of self-loathing deep within his voice. "When I pull on your carnal urges, Doctor? Do you feel in control?"
Linda had to break his gaze, taking a sudden gasp of air and she found her heart was beating too fast. "Lucifer, that is entirely different," she sounded quite annoyed. "And you know that Chloe is immune to your…" she gestured at him, still unable to look him in the eye. "Thing, anyway."
Lucifer looked darkly pleased with himself. "Different, perhaps," he agreed nodding. "But worse, definitely. And in no way is it not manipulation."
Linda was still steadying herself, but she looked back to her patient, her face set. "Lucifer," she began calmly. "When you showed me your true face, I was terrified," she told him, watching his face and his expressions. "It took me a while, as you know… to come to terms with who you were. But I did, and you're still my patient. And… a friend. One that I care about, through no one's influence but my own decisions. I know exactly who you are Lucifer, and so does Chloe. And we're still here," she paused, her eyes creasing in concern as she could see Lucifer's struggling not to show the onslaught of emotion that was happening inside him. "And that doesn't mean foul play is at work," she continued evenly. "It just means you have real friends in your life that care about you. The real you."
But, Lucifer was shaking his head. "I'm afraid it's not that simple," he said, standing up and smoothing out his jacket. "Thank you for your time, Linda."
"Lucifer, we're not even half-way through our session," Linda began as Lucifer now turned toward the door.
"Yes well, I think we've covered enough, don't you?" Lucifer said airily, not meeting Linda's steely gaze. "Besides, I promised the Detective I'd come in to 'consult' today and I'm already late."
Linda sighed quietly, watching him leave with an unsettled feeling in her stomach and concern in her gaze.
Chloe tapped her foot under her desk as she agitatedly flicked through the case file in front of her. She didn't take in a word of it. Her mind was replaying the last night's events.
What she'd said… what Lucifer had said… what she'd realised…
She hadn't thought about it. Not properly. Who could blame her? She'd been coming to terms with Heaven and Hell, God and Satan. She hadn't had the mind space to think about… her feelings.
The fact that she'd cared for and had her heart broken by Lucifer. That fact that she still cared for him. The fact that… she now knew his true identity, and yet… instead of that changing anything, she found herself falling harder.
With everything she'd learned, shouldn't she be pulling away? Or at least conflicted considering the gravity of the situation? He was the Devil. He wasn't human. He was as old as eternity. The ruler of Hell. A fallen angel. A punisher of evil…
And yet, he was still Lucifer.
And she only found herself caring for him more.
"Around you… I'm all too human."
The enormity of that suddenly hit her and Chloe slammed the file shut on her desk abruptly, pushing it away from her.
Why? She'd never even considered God to be real, and suddenly she'd found out her whole existence revolved around his most infamous son. She wanted to feel angry as she had originally, to feel embittered over the fact that her whole life existed because of Lucifer, for Lucifer…
And yet… without him would she ever have been born at all? She wouldn't exist… Trixie wouldn't exist. And without Lucifer in her life…
She would never regret meeting him. He'd opened her eyes to a whole new world even before she'd known who he really is. He'd shown her how to live in the moment, he'd made her a better Detective, he'd tested her limits, brought spark and… if she was honest, fun back into her life. From the moment he'd met her he was the most genuine, honest person she'd ever met. Even though he drove her up the wall. Even though he was childish, infuriating and determinedly inappropriate. He made her laugh. He'd always respected her. He'd seen her talent, encouraged her to use it, to trust herself. He built up her self-esteem. He made her feel good about herself. Proud of herself. She couldn't express how much she needed that after Palmetto.
So what did it matter if it was all… predetermined.
Chloe suddenly realised she was on the verge of tears at her desk. Her chest felt tight and her heart hurt, it ached and throbbed against her ribs. Without him… she'd never have felt so strongly.
Was that really predetermined too? Did she really have no choice?
No! She shook herself internally. She knew who she was, who she'd always been before and after meeting Lucifer. She could trust that.
Couldn't she?
Chloe found her heart to be beating too fast against, sending that wave of anxiousness through her body. She felt like she was second-guessing her entire existence. Her entire being. She suddenly found herself wondering if everything in her life had been done so that she could fall for Lucifer. So that she would let him into her life.
Her father's death leading to her becoming a cop.
She'd be a different person if that hadn't happened.
Her entire life would have been different. Chloe stared blankly at her desk, nothing in reality was in focus, but everything in her mind reeling.
Suddenly, leaving her no time to get a grip on herself,
"Detective!"
Chloe jumped violently in her seat.
"Lucifer!" she hissed, heart pounding. She glared at him for a moment, but her eyes betrayed her inner turmoil the moment their gazes caught. She looked down at the file on her desk. "You're late," she said trying to sound both normal and scolding.
She didn't succeed.
But, Lucifer didn't push. "I promised I'd be here," he smiled simply, his casual tone sounding just as forced. "Never said what time."
Chloe rolled her eyes, her heart beating far too fast, and she wished it was simply because he'd startled her. How simple things would have been. "How um…" she couldn't not broach the subject. "How are you doing today?"
Lucifer didn't look at her, pretending to look at the case file in her arms. "I'm fine, Detective," he said dismissively. "Did you find out who murdered my lead on the Sinnerman?"
"Yeah…" Chloe muttered quietly, her tone almost regretful. "They have his killer. He confessed," she bent over her desk, picking up a mugshot of a grubby looking criminal. She'd been briefed over everything this morning, though hardly taken a word in.
Lucifer looked from the picture to Chloe in disbelief. "That is not the Sinnerman."
Chloe sighed lowly; evidently they were not straying from this topic any time soon. "Well do you have any other leads on who this… 'Sinnerman'," she said the word very quietly. "Is? I mean… well, is he… human?"
"I've no idea, Detective," Lucifer said simply, having to lean closer to hear what the Detective was saying. "And why are we whispering?" he added in a loud, mocking whisper, his face so close the breath from his words tickled her cheek. "We should have the whole department looking for the Sinnerman!"
"Lucifer, be quiet!" hissed Chloe, her eyes darting around madly. "And would you stop saying the Sinnerman like that?" she added angrily, attempting to mock his British accent out of pure irritation.
Then,
"Hey guys," Dan interrupted them. "What's going on?" he eyes flickered between them, and Lucifer could tell his innocent question was nothing more than a guise, Chloe's ex-douche's eyes quite probing.
Chloe swung round in her seat, heart jumping to her throat. "Nothing!" she said and even she could tell she sounded panicked. "We were just talking about normal things. Really normal. That… normal people talk about."
Dan's eyebrows slowly went up his forehead. "Wow, Chloe," he said sarcastically. "Real smooth."
"Smoother than you'll ever been, Danielle," Lucifer swooped in, he placed a hand on Chloe's shoulder. "Detective, shouldn't we get going? I'm sure we have a lot of 'detecting' to do."
He practically pulled her out of her chair.
"Douche," Lucifer waved a salute in goodbye to Dan who glared after them, suspicion dancing in his eyes.
"Lucifer, what are you doing?" snapped Chloe feeling like a child being pulled along by her mother.
"Stopping you from committing more word vomit, Detective," Lucifer said simply. "Besides we have more important things to be doing rather than wasting time befuddling your ex."
Chloe yanked her arm out of his grip. "I wasn't that bad," she hissed.
Lucifer raised his eyebrows at her, a patronising smile on his face. Chloe glowered. "Well excuse me if I have a little bit going on right now to be worried about sounding a little weird!"
"A taste of what it's like in my shoes, Detective," smirked Lucifer. But, his smile faded quickly, a serious look dragging his lips back down. "How…uh, how are you this morning, Detective?" he asked tentatively.
Finally, some sentiment to the turmoil they'd gone through last night.
But, although she'd wanted to broach this topic earlier, suddenly she didn't know what to say. "I'm… I'm fine," she said off-handedly, her eyes flickering away and she shrugged too casually.
Lucifer frowned. "Are you definitely OK to be back at work, Detective?"
Chloe narrowed her eyes, a nerve touched. "I think I can manage, Lucifer. I'm not some delicate… flower."
Lucifer gave her a look. "You're entire world has been turned inside out," he said bluntly. "I think you could be forgiven for taking a couple of days off."
"Yeah, Lucifer, I realise that," snapped Chloe. "Maybe I like working. Maybe it's the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. Maybe it's the only thing that can distract me right now from the fact that my whole life was planned before I was born and that my dad might have died as a part of your Dad's plan!"
Chloe didn't mean to go quite so far, but the words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, her tone becoming more distressed the more she let out.
Lucifer didn't say anything, his brow puckered, his eyes dark as they held her afflicted gaze.
Then,
"Hey guys!" Ella's bright and bubbly voice disturbed the tense air. "You're not leaving without me are you?" she grinned looking between them and seeming far too excited, even for her. Neither Lucifer nor Chloe said anything. Ella gave them both a look. "Bobby Lowe?!" she stated like it was obvious. "Chloe you said I could come with, you know, for the evidence?"
"Oh… right," Chloe muttered, shaking her head. "Yeah, of course. Can you… brief Lucifer? He doesn't know anything about it. I'll… meet you guys at my car."
Chloe needed a minute. A minute to think, to breathe. Maybe Lucifer was right; perhaps she shouldn't be at work. Or maybe she was right; maybe work was just what she needed. She had no idea.
She walked out of the precinct, feeling disconnected to everyone and everything in it. Suddenly, everything seemed so meaningless. She was surrounded by everything she thought she wanted; her career that felt right. Why did it feel right? Because her father died?
Fellow officers smiled at her, waving hello – but she couldn't hear them, their smiles likes masks. Did God have plans for their lives? Were some of them going to die just to forward a plan for someone else?
Chloe felt dizzy. Sick. She couldn't breathe in here!
She practically ran for the exit, gasping in the fresh air the moment she was outside. She stumbled to her car, shaking hands fumbling her keys before she fell into the driver's seat, collapsing against the steering wheel.
She tried to take long, steadying breaths. Stop freaking out. She needed to remember who she was. Why she was who she was. She knew herself! She did. She did.
"You were in one hell of a rush," Ella said curiously, hopping into the back seat while Lucifer slid carefully into the passenger seat, his face impassive, but his eyes were glued to Chloe. For once he said nothing about the 'Hell' reference.
She sat up quickly. "Yeah," she shook herself, ignoring the voices in her head trying to drive her mad. She was a detective. She had a case. Maybe the best thing for her was to concentrate on what she did best. Her work. "Can someone put the address in the GPS?"
The car trip was awkward to say the least.
Only to be made worse when 'My Sweet Lord' by George Harrison played on the radio.
"Ooh, turn it up!" Crooned Ella, already humming to sing along.
But the moment the first lyric played 'Mmm my sweet Lord…' both Lucifer and Chloe slammed their hands over the power button. The looked at each other, sharing something that should have been unfamiliar to the both of them in their gaze. But, they both understood.
"Okaaaay…" mused Ella, "Sheesh. Guess we don't like that song…"
Another awkward silence.
"Ok, why do I feel like I've stepped in something really intense here?" Ella asked finally, looking between the backs of their heads.
Chloe and Lucifer glanced at each other.
"It's nothing," Chloe said at the same moment that Lucifer said, "You have."
Chloe threw him a look. "Don't worry about it Ella, it won't affect the case."
At least she thought it wouldn't. And yet, after they met this pigheaded comedian and Lucifer crashed his wacked show then nearly accidentally shot him through the nose of his pig puppet… Chloe realised that what both she and Lucifer were going through was definitely affecting the case.
"So it's OK for you to steal someone else's work to further your life plans?" Chloe demanded, unable to stop herself. "No matter the consequences. How do you feel now knowing the decisions you made started a sequence of events that led to another man's death?!"
"Yes," agreed Lucifer, his eyes as mad as hers. "To steal another man's identity? His life's work? Did that make you feel powerful, Bobby?"
Bobby Lowe looked between them in shock and despair, grasping his bullet grazed arm despairingly. "I… I… I don't-"
"Ok, geez guys," Ella cut in, and though she'd been mad at Bobby, she was getting seriously concerned about her colleagues. She gestured for them to follow her away from the comedian. "What is going on? Do you guys need like a sabbatical or something? That's some serious shit you're spilling out over there."
"He's a filthy thief," muttered Lucifer while Chloe hissed, "He's a criminal."
Ella stared. "Ok…" she said slowly. "I think you guys should call it a night. You know? Take a breather, get some perspective… that kind of thing?"
Chloe didn't say anything, but Lucifer's eyes slid to look at her. "Perhaps… you're right Ella. That might be for the best."
Chloe's eyes snapped up to look at him. "Stop making decisions for me, Lucifer!" she lashed out.
Ella swallowed.
Lucifer's brow puckered a look crossing his face that made Chloe immediately regret her words. She shook her head, not looking at him. "Let's just… let's just go."
"I uh… I think I'll just grab an Uber actually…" Ella said carefully, reading the situation intuitively. "Thanks for… letting me come along, Chloe."
Lucifer and Chloe walked to the car in silence.
Then,
"Detective-"
Chloe stopped him, turning on her heels to face him. "Lucifer I don't know how to deal with this right now, OK?"
Lucifer looked taken aback. "I… of course, I understand-"
Her anger sparked again. "No you don't!" she hissed. "I mean you… you've been around forever, you're God's son! And I… my life is meaningless without you! I exist because of you! What am I supposed to think about that?!"
Lucifer's eyes darkened. "I told you that you wouldn't want to know this," he said lowly.
"That is not an answer!" snapped Chloe. "I… I'm starting to wonder what decisions I made in life that weren't already planned ahead for me… I don't feel like I know anything anymore!"
Lucifer closed his eyes, his head dropping to face the ground. So she'd realised. She saw now exactly what he'd been trying to tell her. But, he didn't feel any better about her knowing. He felt worse, so, so much worse. "I'm sorry, Chloe…"
"Don't apologise!" hissed Chloe, she didn't know why she was getting so mad at him. She couldn't help it, the anger bubbling up inside of her with her confusion and fear and she had nowhere else to turn. No one else to scream to as to why! "What's that supposed to do?! You're sorry your Dad, oh yeah, who's God, made me for you for some test or plan or… or God knows what?!"
"I never wanted this Chloe," Lucifer said lowly, the pain in his voce creating a small shake to his tone.
"Well you didn't have a choice did you!" Chloe was so distressed she couldn't hear Lucifer's pain. "And neither did I! Does anyone?! Or does God just have the monopoly over everything?!"
Lucifer squeezed his eyes shut, his fists clenched as pure anger at his Father raged through his entire being. "There is a choice…" his voice was so quiet Chloe nearly missed it.
"What?" she hissed, her shaking hands roughly shoving her hair behind her ear.
"I should have made it, but I couldn't stay away…" Lucifer looked up suddenly, his eyes dark and churning. "I'm sorry for doing this to you."
Chloe's stomach hardened suddenly, a cold feeling settling in its pit. "What?" she said again, quietly this time. "What are you talking about, Lucifer?"
But, Lucifer could barely restrain the rage building within him. His fists shook, his jaw clenched so tight his teeth nearly cracked. He looked to the sky for a moment, defiance, anger, grief written over his face.
When he looked back to Chloe his eyes were hard and cold and Chloe felt her heart freeze in her chest.
Then, as if things weren't bad enough… there was a soft rustle at Lucifer's back.
If there were ever to be a moment that Chloe was afraid of Lucifer… it was now.
She'd never seen him so enraged, so pained and so dangerously unpredictable. He growled low and deep in his throat, bitter fury biting his tongue. He straightened, his eyes crazed and his wings disappeared as quickly as they'd come. "You won't see me again, Detective," he said, his voice eerily soft and controlled. "Be with your daughter and…Please live your life the way you want to."
And in the blink of an eye and soft flutter of wings in the wind…
He was gone.
Chloe stood there for a very long moment, shock cementing her to the ground. Then,
Be with your daughter.
Trixie.
In a rush everything came bucketing down around her. So maybe everything in her life had been predetermined. Maybe everything had happened for a reason that led her here… but was that the worst thing in life? Without all of those things… without her father dying, without her becoming a cop, meeting Dan… perhaps she would never have had Trixie. And all of that had happened, there was no changing it. Her life was how it was and where it was. And she didn't want to lose Lucifer from it.
Regret hit her like a cold, hard rock in the pit of her stomach. Without heisting, Chloe ran for her car. The engine screeched into gear as she recklessly sped away from the carpark, Lux the only destination on her mind.
This wasn't his fault. This wasn't her fault. Tears blocked her vision for a moment, but she shook them away furiously. She felt sick to her stomach, too many emotions had raged through her body for one day, her head pounding from the incessant onslaught on her mind.
But she knew one thing. One thing for sure.
Lucifer didn't hear her when she arrived. He stood by the window at the end of the lounge. His shirt gone, wings out. In one hand he gripped the leaf-like curved blade Chloe had seen too many times before in his right hand. His left gripped the windowsill. His whole body shook, his face contorted in grief.
A glass was smashed on the floor, the remains of a whiskey bottle not far from it. Pain hit Chloe's heart in waves and she had to clench the muscles around her eyes to stop them from streaming tears where she stood.
She swallowed; finally certain of one thing.
She walked toward Lucifer slowly and he finally heard her, his head turning just to the side so that he could see her.
"Detective," his voice was hard and strained. He clenched his jaw, looking back to the window. "Don't do this."
Chloe shook her head, her resolve steady. "I'm sorry, Lucifer," she said quietly, coming to a halt behind him. "I shouldn't have… this isn't your fault."
Lucifer smashed his fist furiously against the wall beside the window. "I was selfish to show you who I was. Selfish not to leave. I-"
Suddenly, yet slowly, Chloe stopped his words by placing a soft hand on his back, just at the base of wing.
Lucifer froze, the feeling of her touch shooting through him, down his wings, his body, his toes. His breath caught. Everything was still.
Chloe brushed her fingers over the smallest feathers that joined his skin. "Please don't do this to yourself again…" she said quietly.
Lucifer's body shook.
"Please…" she whispered, her voice breaking slightly, but he still didn't move or speak.
"Lucifer," Chloe's voice was tight and he could hear the tears in her eyes. "I don't care if God made this happen. Neither of us had a choice, but…" her breath shook. "Why should we punish each other for it?"
Lucifer buckled further at her words, the pain in his chest so great he was certain it should kill him. His knuckles were white against the window frame, his face contorted with the pain of his emotions, while hot, wet tears squeezed past his clenched lids, slipping slowly down his cheek.
"Chloe…" he could barely get the word past the growing lump in his throat. "You don't know what you're saying…"
Chloe's hand on the edge of his wing tightened over his skin. "I do," her words were thick, a tear falling from her cheek. "There's a lot I don't know," she continued. Her voice was shaky but determined. "But, I do know for sure… that you… with you, my life…" she swallowed with difficulty, her eyes lifting to the ceiling as she tried to steady herself, her thumb brushing over the base of Lucifer's wing. "My life is better with you, Lucifer… I don't care how it happened, I wouldn't change it for anything."
A/N Pheeeew. So much angst! Thank you so much guys again for all the super lovely feedback, I'm so glad so many of you are still enjoying the story so far! I hope I can keep that up. Who else liked the most recent episode of Lucifer? I so hope there's more stuff like the last scene. I need more emotional development!
