A/N: Chapter 7! Another hard one to write, even though it's a bit shorter than the others. I think it was hard just do to time constraints, so I apologize if it is a little disjointed. I feel a little disjointed! I'm posting this without much editing (you know, post and ask questions later), so if it is more messed up than a hound's breakfast (an expression my nurse at my previous job used to say), I apologize for that too!
Conquering Never
Chapter 7: Help
September 23rd, 2004
0254 Local
Bethesda Naval Medical Center
Bethesda, MD
Sarah sighs in her sleep and snuggles closer to me. I tighten my hold on her, and, though not awake, her lips turn up into a smile. I smile back, glad that her dreams must be happy ones.
She's so heartbreakingly beautiful, I think as I watch the steady rise and fall of her chest. I love that we can be close like this again, her pregnant belly no longer in the way. I have to say, though, I'm going to miss it too. There is something special about feeling your baby's feet through her mother's stomach, or the feel of her stretching inside the womb. I'll never say it out loud, but I'm rather jealous that Sarah got to feel all of this happening inside her.
Sarah sighs again and my eyes go to the clock. They'll be bringing Lydia back in about forty minutes, and of course I will insist that Sarah take some Ibuprofen. I should probably sleep until then, but my mind won't shut down as it drifts back to that horrible day last month.
Wow. Last month. Saying it that way makes it seem like it just happened, but it feels like it was another lifetime. Things have changed so much in the last six and a half weeks. Thank God. I don't want to ever live through something like that again, and I never want to put Sarah through it either. It's a method of self-torture, I suppose, but I often imagine what it was like for Sarah after I left that day.
When AJ arrived at the house, he found the back door unlocked. He would have knocked first, but after the call he received from me minutes earlier, he wanted to get to Sarah ASAP. He would have broken down the door if he'd had to.
AJ found Sarah still in the bedroom, still huddled on the bed. Who knows what went through his mind when he saw her; I do suspect, though, that his first thought was to murder me. He finally got Sarah to tell him what had happened; she had been so convinced that I was seeing another woman (never!) but she told him that the way I reacted and the look of horror in my eyes as I touched her belly seemed off for something as 'simple' as that. She was actually worried. About me.
She was also having contractions. More than she wanted to admit to AJ, but he noticed she was uncomfortable and insisted she let him take her to the hospital. Under normal circumstances it would have been a no-brainer for her to be checked out, but the whole situation was more fucked up than a hound's breakfast, as Sarah's uncle would say.
Meanwhile, I found myself at the door of Clayton Webb, the only man I've ever come close to hating. The anger had largely abated at that point, but I can't say I actually liked the guy. At that moment, though, he was my lifeline.
Wow. Webb. My lifeline…I let my mind wander back to that time again, when I stood at the door, ready to beg for help…
August 9th, 2004
1543 Local
Webb's Apartment
Alexandria, VA
Webb bumps my shoulder with the back of his hand. "Here," he says and it's then that I notice he's offering me the glass of amber liquid that he holds.
"What is it?" I ask, briefly raising my eyes to his.
"Apple juice, Rabb, what do you think it is?" I look back up at him, not saying anything. I'm not trying to be rude; frankly it's hard to have a coherent thought at the moment. He rolls his eyes. "It's bourbon, Harm. The good stuff, not that cheap shit you drink."
I take the glass and snort. "My stepfather's rich, Webb. I don't drink the cheap shit either." I take a sip. He's right, though…this is the good stuff and it goes down easily. Too easily. I set it down on the table in front of me, then rest my arms on my lap, hanging my head. What am I doing here?
"What are you doing here?" Webb asks, echoing my thoughts.
"I don't know." I stare into the alcohol in front of me and it's so tempting to down it all in one shot. But, out of respect for Sarah and everything she went through with her alcoholism, I refuse to even flirt with that path. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Webb sit in the plush leather chair across from me and I slowly raise my eyes to his. We are in a staring contest for several seconds until I finally look away, reaching for one last gulp of bourbon to give me the strength to say what I need to. I set the glass down and slide it farther away from me.
"Harm?" Webb actually sounds concerned. The last time we spoke, prior to the night Sarah killed Sadik, he was in the middle of firing me. He sounded anything but sympathetic then. He was smug, telling me he'd tell Sarah 'Hi' from me, and I could picture myself snapping his little neck. I was not in a good place then…and here I am, asking for help from a man that I once imagined killing.
I sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face before finally speaking.
"How do you do it?" My voice comes out in a harsh whisper.
"Do what?" He asks calmly.
"Do what you do…do what I've done…and still be able to live with yourself?" I feel my eyes fill and it takes all my strength to keep the tears at bay. I will not cry in front of Webb.
"Harm, what happened that day wasn't your fault…" Clay starts in, but I interrupt him.
"Wasn't it? I'm the one who was…I'm the one who…I k-killed her…I s-snapped her neck. I killed— "
"To keep her from killing many more. Harm, you did what you had to do."
"I had to do that? There had to be another way…"
"Harm, if you had hesitated…Ambassador **** would be dead."
He's right, I know that…but…was the ambassador worth…I bury my face in my hands.
"Harm…you couldn't have known about…"
Suddenly I stand and start to pace, trying to work off a surge of nervous energy. I can feel Webb's eyes following me, but he doesn't say anything. Eventually I stop at a window, looking out over the city. At night I'm sure the city lights give off an alluring glow, but here in the hot August afternoon, the city looks frantic and dirty.
Frantic and dirty…like me.
I whip around. "I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry I interrupted…whatever…" I start toward the door. Clay stops me halfway.
"Harm, wait. Obviously, you came here for a reason; it's not like we've been on good terms of late, and since you don't seem to have come here with violent intent…" He gets up from his chair and steps in front of me. "What happened today?"
I'm at war with myself. I resent the fact that Clayton Webb might be my savior. I'm embarrassed that I'm reacting this way over something that happened months ago, something I thought I'd put to rest. But I have to tell someone. Finally, I slump in defeat. Silently, I return to my seat on the couch, trying to ignore the tumbler full of bourbon that sits a couple of feet away as Webb sits down again as well.
"Mac is leaving me." God, I sound pathetic. And telling this to a man who has wooed my fiancé in the past…he'll probably sweep right in and…no.
Webb's eyes are wide with surprise. "And you think I have something to do with that?"
"No. This is all me."
"But you think I can help with it?"
I heave a sigh. "No…it isn't that…"
Minutes pass and I'm surprised Webb is being as patient as he is. "It's…" Just spit it out, Rabb.
"It's what?"
"It's that mission…"
"I gathered that. What about it?"
"I keep seeing it…"
"And?"
"Mac is pregnant."
"I know. I hear you are having a girl. Congratulations."
"The baby…she moves. All the time. Feeling that is so—so amazing. But then I…it reminds me of…the flashbacks…I can't, they won't, ah, stop and—and—I—I—" I suddenly feel like I'm choking. Well, that's a bit of a lie. Since my first flashback the night I first felt out daughter move, I've felt like I'm choking. It's just more intense. I look over at the bourbon. Webb leaves his chair and slides the glass over to me and this time I can't help taking another gulp of it.
"Okay, Harm. You what? Go on."
"It—I—oh, fuck, Webb, it's horrible, I'm—I'm losing my mind—" God, why can't I get through this.
"Harm, take a breath. What happened today?" Webb stays calm, and it pisses me off. It pisses me off so much that I finally let loose in a torrent of words.
"Every-time-I-touch-Sarah-I-see-her-and-it-happens-all-over-again-and-I-can't-sleep-and-the-nightmares-oh-god-the-nightmares-all-night-and-the-flashbacks-and-I-can't-work-and-Sarah-thinks-I'm-having-an-affair-because-I-can't-touch-her-but-I-can't-tell-Sarah-about-this-she'll-hate-me-and-today-I-she-she-fell-back-and-she's-having-contractions-and-and…" I have to stop and take a breath. Several breaths. I'm aware I'm hyperventilating and I know I need to slow my breathing before I pass out. I look up at Webb and it's obvious he's no longer sympathetic. I knew I shouldn't have come here.
"Rabb, what did you do to Sarah? Where is she?" His voice is deathly quiet.
I shake my head. "No, Webb, I didn't…it was an accident." I realize as the words leave my mouth that they don't sound good either. Webb is suddenly looming above me, a look of fury on his face. I shrink away, cursing myself that I'm so weak right now that I'm actually shrinking away from Webb.
"What. Did. You. Do. To. Her?" His voice gets louder with every word.
"Nothing, Webb! I left her at home and I sent the admiral over to her!" Haltingly I tell him what happened, how she pulled my hand to her stomach, how the movement of the baby sent me into a spiral, how I knocked her off balance when I took my hand away. I tell him how guilty I still feel about it all and how no matter how mad he is at me, it will never match how furious I am at myself. No, I didn't really physically hurt her, but…
"But I know I frightened her. And she thinks I'm seeing someone else—but I'd never…she's scared of me, Webb. I'm scared of me. I need help…and I—I don't know where to get it." My eyes meet Webb's and at least his no longer look murderous. He signs and sits back down.
"Have you told any of this to Sa—Mac?"
I shake my head. "I can't tell her this…she'd hate me."
Webb snorts at this. "Rabb, even after all the stupid shit you've pulled, she's never hated you. I seriously doubt she'd start now."
"Well, I still can't say anything…it's all classified."
"So, I'll declassify it. Just for you and Sa—Mac. Tell her, Rabb. She'll understand."
"How?" I ask in despair. And if I do tell her, what happens after that? I doubt everything will be magically perfect. I'll still have flashbacks, I'll still have nightmares. More counseling? I still wouldn't be able to tell any counselor about what actually happened, and I clearly can't handle this on my own.
"You go home, sit her down, and tell her…everything."
I nod, but then I have to admit something that will make me seem even weaker. "I think I'll…I'll need more than that, though."
"More counseling?" he asks, and I wonder again at the fact that I'm telling this to Webb of all people.
"Yeah." The admission hurts. "But I don't think it'll help."
"Why not?"
Well, duh. "Because I can't actually say anything to them."
"Not to a civilian counselor. But the agency has psychologists and psychiatrists that you could talk to."
That earns Webb a snort this time. "If you recall, I'm no longer a part of the agency."
Webb winces a little about that and I take some pleasure that he obviously feels guilty for firing me. "I'll make the arrangements. I have someone in mind…he helped me after…"
"Paraguay?" God, how I hate that word. Clay has to too; he was nearly tortured to death.
"Yeah." He nods. "Harm, look, I'm sorry about how things went down there. About dragging Mac down there. About getting between you when I knew damn well how Sarah, uh, Mac felt about you. This is the least I can do for you—and despite what you may think, I've always considered you a friend. I don't want to see you like this, and I even want you and Mac to be okay. But there's one condition…"
"Tell Mac."
"Yeah. You need to. She needs to understand and you…well, you just need to."
I sit up from the couch then and lean across the table toward him, hand extended. We share a firm handshake and, though there's a part of me that hates this part, I thank him. The gratitude is real, and for the first time in weeks I feel a little glimmer of hope.
I can't deny that it still irritates me that Webb is the one that is helping me get out of this mess, but then again, on some level, Webb has always irritated me. This is nothing new.
"I'm going to call over to Langley, get you on Dave's schedule ASAP. Take a load off, Harm. Finish your drink, or just sit there. You look like shit."
I realize suddenly that I am exhausted. As in, I'd better not drive and it's not because of the alcohol exhausted. "Okay, Webb. Thank you again."
"You owe me now." He flashes a grin. I merely glare at him. As I said, grateful as I am, he's still Webb.
He drops the smile and shrugs. "How 'bout we just call it even?"
1632 Local
Webb's Apartment
Alexandria, VA
I catch myself dozing while Webb makes the arrangements at Langley for me. I'm so tired but I really don't want to fall asleep on another man's couch—that just seems wrong. Now that I'm calmer, I consider calling Sarah. I even pull out my phone and start to dial, but flip it shut before the call can go through; I don't know what to say to her over the phone. I just hope she can forgive me. I lean my head back against the leather of Webb's couch, slipping back into slumber for a few minutes until Webb returns to tell me this 'Dave' will see me tomorrow afternoon. I take that as my cue to leave but my body apparently has other ideas, because the next thing I know I'm stretched out across the couch with a blanket over me.
Oh lord, the spook tucked me in.
I'm never going to live this down.
1755 Local
Webb's Apartment
Alexandria, VA
I am jolted awake by someone shaking my shoulder. I don't know where I am at first and I come up fighting, but thankfully I remember what's happened before I damage Webb.
"Whoa, Rabb, is this how you always wake up?"
I merely shrug as Webb sits down on the table in front of me. He looks serious and suddenly my heart starts pounding. "What?" Please let Sarah be alright…
"I just got off the phone with AJ," he starts and by now my heart is up in my throat.
"Sarah?" I ask, hoping against hope that everything is okay. But then Webb nods.
"He took her to Bethesda a couple of hours ago."
My head snaps up. "The hospital? Why? What happ—" I'm nearly hyperventilating by this point.
"Now, calm down Rabb. She was having contractions and they just wanted to check on things. AJ said so far everything looks good and things seemed to have calmed down for now. They're going to keep her overnight and see how things are in the morning."
I'm instantly on my feet but a wave of dizziness reminds me that I haven't eaten anything since…last night. I reach for the arm of the couch, determined to stay upright. Webb raises an eyebrow.
"You okay, Rabb? When's the last time you ate something?"
"Never mind that. I need to get to the hospital. Thanks, Webb, ah, Clay. For everything."
I move away from the couch now that I think I've gotten my bearings. I turn toward the door, but Webb blocks my path.
"Sit down before you fall down."
"Dammit, Webb. Get out of my way. I need to go."
"Harm, settle down. I will take you to Bethesda. You are in no condition to drive." At that point I catch my reflection in a mirror on the wall. I really do look terrible. Frightening even, with my pale complexion, gaunt cheeks, and the dark circles under my eyes. My shoulders slump in defeat. Webb's right.
"Fine." I shuffle back to the couch and drop myself onto it.
Webb heads into the kitchen area and starts pulling things out of the refrigerator. What the hell is he doing? "Webb, come on. We don't have time for you to play chef."
I hear his muffled voice as he buries himself in some cabinet. "Your going to eat something. You are not going to show up looking that way for Mac." Webb finds what he is looking for and stands up, setting a blender on the counter. He starts throwing greens and fruit into the jar and soon he's blending it all together. Once he's satisfied, he takes the jar off the base and pours the contents into what looks like a travel mug.
Soon, Webb is standing over me waving the mug of whatever he's made in my face. "What is it," I ask, leery of his culinary skills.
"Smoothie. Kale. Protein. Berries. Anti-oxidants galore for you health nuts."
I accept the proffered mug and take a cautious sip. "Hmmm, not bad," I say, taking another sip. "Although I never thought I'd hear you say the word 'smoothie', Webb."
He smirks but doesn't comment. He tells me to get up, then demands my keys. I reluctantly hand them over, feeling like I'm giving up all control of my life to a spook. But, he's right. I shouldn't drive. I'm physically tired, emotionally exhausted, and I don't think I would be able to stay on the road.
Soon we're on our way, Webb looking out of place in my SUV. I lean my head back and close my eyes, growing more nervous the closer we get to Bethesda. I'm worried about our baby, about my relationship with Sarah, and about how I'm going to tell her about my life in the CIA. I'm also worried about facing AJ. He's become extremely protective of Sarah so I'm half expecting a right hook as his greeting. Speaking of…I wonder what he said to Webb. AJ isn't the biggest fan of Webb either; my former CO once broke Webb's nose over what happened the first time Sarah and I went to Russia. My curiosity overrides my fatigue and I have to ask Webb about his conversation with AJ.
"Soooo…what did you tell AJ?" I ask, turning my face to the window. The city whizzes by and I find it makes me dizzy, so I close my eyes again.
Webb doesn't say anything for several seconds and I am just about to ask him again when he finally answers.
"The truth—that you were on a mission that went south, and unfortunately the full ramifications of it didn't hit you until now."
I snort. If that wasn't a massive understatement. I realize that Webb is still talking. "Say again?" I ask.
"I, uh, talked to Mac too."
I swallow hard. "And?"
"She's worried about you."
"Did you tell her— "
"I told her the same thing I told AJ."
"Ah."
"Rabb, she knows there's more to this than what she originally thought."
I nod but don't say anything. My apprehension continues to grow as we drive on, despite the reassurances from Webb.
Reassurances. From Webb. Lord, that is a strange thought. Holy shit, this is so fucked up…
"What's fucked up?" Damn, must have said that out loud.
"Besides the obvious?" I ask. "This!" I motion between us. Webb shrugs, but I can tell he thinks this whole situation is surreal as well. We ride in silence for a couple of minutes until I look over at him again. May as well be completely honest here.
"You know, Webb, it wasn't too long ago that I wanted to kill you." Webb's eyebrows go up a little but other than that he doesn't appear all that surprised.
"Yeah, I kinda got that." He maneuvers my SUV toward the exit for Bethesda.
"Uh, well, sorry about that." I'm not sure how one really goes about apologizing for previous murderous intent, so I keep it simple.
Webb appears to be concentrating on the road and doesn't say anything for several moments. After a bit, I hear him let out a sigh. "Don't worry about it. If the situations were reversed, I would have felt the same. And for what it's worth, I probably deserved it."
I hold up my hand in a feeble protest, but he shakes his head. "Let's just forget about it, okay?"
"Okay."
We don't speak any further and a few minutes later we're pulling up at Bethesda. I can feel my heart start to beat faster and my palms start to sweat. We park and get out of the vehicle, Webb handing over my keys as we stand awkwardly at the hospital entrance.
"Well, thanks…Clay. This has been…"
He gives me a sardonic smile. "Surreal?"
"Hell, yes. But I appreciate it." We stand there a few seconds more in the August heat. "Um, you want me to get you a cab back to your place? Or, did you…did you want to come up?" I find myself hoping that he won't come with me while at the same time thinking it might be nice to have him there as a buffer between me and an angry AJ…like a human sacrifice I can throw to the wolves to distract while I go to Sarah.
"Nah, Rabb. I'll have mother send a car…or I'll have Catherine…" His eyes suddenly widen; clearly he thinks he's said too much. I can't resist a little ribbing.
"Catherine…Gale? Going after my 'wife' now too?" He looks decidedly uncomfortable, but I can see there's a little glimmer of something there. I decide to let him off the hook. "She's great, Webb. Good luck."
"We're just friends, Rabb. Nothing more."
"Of course. Tell her 'hello' from me."
"Right." He holds out his hand and I take it in a firm handshake. Then I turn and head inside the hospital, praying Sarah will forgive me.
1851 Local
Bethesda Navel Medical Center
Bethesda, MD
I head up to the maternity ward and ask for Sarah's room number. My steps slow as I approach it, but I force myself to keep going. My heart is now racing as I peek in her door.
Those damnable tears form again as I take in her sleeping form. The sound of our daughter's heartbeat is soft in the background and for a few moments I just listen to the galloping beauty of it. I step completely inside the room, noting that AJ isn't here and emboldened, I walk up to Sarah's bed, relieved that she seems to be resting peacefully. For several moments I just stare down at her, fighting the urge to reach down to brush away a strand of hair that's fallen across her brow. Finally, I give in. My hand reaches out…
And is stopped by a hand that clamps around my arm in a painful grip. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" AJ hisses in my ear. He drags me away from t bed and pulls me out into the hall. "Well?" I shrink under his furious glare, not knowing what to say and not for the first time today, I curse my weakness. My lack of response clearly infuriates the former SEAL and his whispered tirade couldn't have more blistering if he'd been shouting it. I stand there and take it, knowing I deserve it. Knowing I deserve even more than a mere dressing down.
"Harm?" The soft voice of my fiancée calling from her room is enough to stop AJ in mid-sentence. I don't make a move to go to her, though, unsure if AJ will allow me to get close to her again. I'd like to be able to tell him to fuck off, this is my fiancée, and so on…but after what I've done…
"Harm?" Her voice is louder this time. "Is that you?"
I gulp and clear my throat, painfully aware of hard gaze of my former CO. "Yeah, it's, um, me."
"Come here, please." I still hesitate. "Honey, it's okay." Despite the furious glare of AJ, I can't refuse her. I step back into the room, AJ staying close behind me. "Harm," she whispers, holding her arms out to me. "AJ, can you give us a moment?" Sarah's protector is obviously reluctant, but he eventually nods and steps out.
I stand awkwardly in the middle of the hospital room, still unsure, looking at the floor because I can't look her in the eye.
"Harm, baby, come here, please."
Finally, I make myself go over and sit down in the chair by her bed. I look down at the hand closest to me, taking in the IV attached to it. For some reason it's that sight that makes the tears I've been fighting actually fall. Her hand rises up to touch my face, brushing the tears away with her thumb like I've done so many times for her. It only makes me cry harder. She sits up and I feel her arms go around me, pulling my head down so it rests in the crook of her neck. "Oh, honey," she whispers, I'm overwhelmed that she can be this tender with me after everything that's happened today.
"I'm sorry," I whisper repeatedly into her shoulder once the sobbing calms. She just holds me and strokes my back and runs her fingers soothingly through my hair. After several minutes I draw back and meet her sympathetic gaze. I see the tear tracks on her face too and it breaks my heart.
"Sarah, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry—"
"I know, Harm," she says, her voice still barely above a whisper. But then she winces, her hand going to her belly and rubbing it. Instantly I'm in panic mode.
"Sarah, are you—is the baby—oh my god, what have I—oh, god…"
"Harm. Harm! I'm okay, we're okay. They gave me something to calm the contractions as soon as I got here and they haven't come back. I just have the occasional contractions that I've been having off and on for the last couple of weeks. It doesn't look like I'm actually in labor, but they did give me a steroid shot to help her lungs just in case. I'll get another dose tomorrow and as long as nothing changes, they'll send me home, okay? Everything's okay."
I can only nod, the guilt for all of this still overwhelming me. She knows me well, though, and knows exactly what I'm thinking. "Harm, this wasn't your fault." I look away from her. Of course it was my fault. "Harm! Look at me. Look at me. We. Are. Okay." I just nod again and I hear her sigh as she pulls me close again. This time I wrap my arms around her, wanting to hold her tightly against me but not wanting to hurt her. She feels fragile in my arms, but I know that right now she is far stronger than I am.
We hold each other for a few minutes and then I draw back a little. There are things we obviously have to discuss. "Sarah, you have to believe me. There is no one else. There could never be anyone else."
"I know, Harm," she answers.
"And I'm so sorry I—I made you fall."
"It was an accident."
"I'm not disgusted when I touch you. It's just that…it's just that…when I try to feel her move…I—" My throat closes up. I know I have to tell her what happens, but it's hard. It's just so hard.
"Sweetheart, I know this has something to do with what happened while you were in the CIA. Clay…well, he didn't give me details; he just told me I needed to get you to talk about it. He's right. You need to talk about it. It's killing you."
There's no doubt about that. It is killing me, but it's also killing me that her opinion of me is going to change as soon as she knows all the gory details.
"Tell me, Harm."
"You're going to hate me."
"Never."
"You don't know—"
"Harm, no. I could never hate you. Never. And that's one 'never' I can stick to."
My mouth quirks up a bit at that. 'Never' has caused us many a problem. But she doesn't know what she's saying now. If she knew…
"Harm, please, you need to get it out. From what little Clay has told me…well, it breaks my heart that you went through all that and have kept it to yourself for so long while it eats you up inside. "Tell me. I love you. Nothing's going to change that."
"But—"
"Tell her, son. It'll be okay." AJ has stepped into the room, and a look from him tells me he knows what happened. Whether he's always known or Webb told him later, I don't know, but I see that he's no longer looking at me with anger. His expression is sympathetic now that he understands what led to my broken call for him to go to Sarah. I take heart that he's forgiven me, so I turn to Sarah and look deeply into her eyes. I see her love from me there, and with a shaky breath, I use the strength that love brings me to give me the courage to speak. But, still, I have to ask…
"Are you sure, Sarah?"
"Harm…yes, I'm sure." She takes my hand and rubs the back of it with her thumb.
I turn my head toward AJ again. "Sir, can you stay?" I'm not sure why I want him to, but if nothing else, at least someone will be here for Sarah if she no longer wants anything to do with me.
"Of course, son." He sits down on the little couch across from the bed.
"We're here for you, Harm. You're safe. We love you. You can tell us anything."
I nod. It's surreal that she included the former admiral in her declaration of love, but that's certainly not the only surreal thing to happen today. He isn't protesting behind me so maybe it's even true. I have the urge to giggle hysterically at that thought, but I reign it in. "Okay, Harm?" she says, her voice gentle and soft.
"Okay."
I squeeze her hand and finally let go.
End Chapter 7
