Disclaimer (Read by Towelie): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, Viacom, South Park Studios, Matt Stone, and Trey Parker. Please support the official release. Now, you wanna get high?
As Dovahkiin went to Medical Fried Chicken, he noticed that turrets were all around the place. As he walked past the door, a robotic voice shouted.
"YOU ARE A MINOR APPROACHING AN AREA WITH CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES. BACK AWAY FROM THE DANK KUSH!" The voice said. Dovahkiin had no idea what to do then, but a voice came through his head.
"Too bad, New Kid. Minors aren't allowed into a place like that...". The voice said.
"Morgan Freeman? Again?" Dovahkiin said.
"Of course, you aren't just any ordinary minor...". Morgan Freeman said. Just then, a nearby car's trunk opened. Dovahkiin went over to the trunk, and saw blueprints.
"A Cheesy Shrimprito huh? That might help. All I need is some Super Spicy City Shrimp from City Wok, and some roof-aged cheese. I already have a tortilla. I think I know where to go." Dovahkiin said as he headed back out the alley, through downtown, and past the police station. He arrived at Historic Shi Pa Town. He saw the City Wok, and went inside.
"Hello, welcome to City Wok, what can I get for you?" Mr. Kim said.
"Uh, some Super Spicy City Shrimp." Dovahkiin said as he paid for the chicken.
"OK, here you go. Now leave restaurant!" Mr. Kim said. Dovahkiin then left the restaurant, and went over to Skeeter's Bar. He noticed that he could get onto the roof with the help of Human Kite, but there were sixth graders there. Dovahkiin went up to them, and threw a punch.
"Oh, you want some of that? I'm gonna kick your ass fourthie!" A sixth grader said as he tried to hit Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then dodged, and called Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes for help.
"Oh shit, we're taking on the sixth graders?!" Human Kite said.
"No holding back on these dicks!" Super Craig said as he rammed into a sixth grader. Another sixth grader then flinged his boogers at Human Kite. Human Kite then threw up.
"Oh shit, Kite! Are you OK?" Dovahkiin said as he fired a plasma wave at the sixth graders.
"Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Let's just get these assholes!" Human Kite said as he fired his eye lasers at the leader of the sixth graders. All of a sudden, a voice could be heard.
"I'm back!" Human Kite 2 said as he came up to the battle. He used a Jewish scroll to shield himself.
"Good news everybody, I'm shielded! OK bye for now!" Human Kite 2 said as he left.
"What the fuck just happened?" A sixth grader said just as Captain Diabetes used an Insulin Shock to knock him back, and incapacitate him. Super Craig then threw a punch at the sixth grade leader, and Dovahkiin was given a titty twister by a sixth grader. Human Kite then fired another laser at the sixth grade leader, which knocked him out, and Dovahkiin fired multiple fire blasts at the final sixth graders, setting him on fire. Super Craig then rammed into him, which knocked him out.
"Good job guys!" Human Kite said as everyone started to leave.
"Kite, I need you for now." Dovahkiin said.
"Yeah, okay Dragonborn. What do you need me to do?" Human Kite said.
"I need you to Fartkour me up to the roof." Dovahkiin said.
"Yeah, sure, I'll just get on your back." Human Kite said as he got on Dovahkiin's back, and started to Fartkour up to the roof. When they got up there, a kid was there.
"Oh, hey. I saw you get up onto the roof. I assume you want some of this. It was there when I got up here, and I don't want it." The kid said as he pointed to the roof-aged cheese. Dovahkiin then picked it up, and flew down with Human Kite. Dovahkiin then crafted the Cheesy Shrimprito. He then went back to the Medical Fried Chicken, where he heard a voice again.
"Go on, eat it. Don't be shy...". Morgan Freeman said. Dovahkiin then pulled out the Cheesy Shrimprito, and ate it. Dovahkiin then felt his stomach rumble, and he unleashed a massive fart. He then noticed that nothing was moving.
"Holy shit! My farts can stop time!" Dovahkiin said as he quickly moved to the off switch for the turret guns. Just as he did that, time started to flow again, and the guns were deactivated. Just then, The Coon showed up.
"Ah, New Kid! I see you're here to assist in assuring Classi's cooperation as well." The Coon said as he walked to the door.
"Please, after you." The Coon said as they entered Medical Fried Chicken.
"Uh hello, we're picking up some medicine for a friend." The Coon said.
"Oh, is your friend looking for an energizing mental feeling, or a full-body high?" The person behind the counter said.
"To be honest, I really don't know." The Coon said.
"Oh, okay. I'll send over our expert budtender to help you!" The person behind the counter said as he left. Then, an anthropomorphic towel wearing a weed apron came up to the counter.
"Hey, you wanna get high? Oh, hey Eric!" Towelie said.
"Oh wow, Towelie! I thought you went to rehab." The Coon said.
"Yeah, I did. But now I'm back in South Park, clean, sober, and I tell you one thing, I DON'T MISS IT!" Towelie said.
"And you work at a pot store." The Coon said.
"Who the fuck is that? Why the fuck do you know that guy?" Dovahkiin said.
"It's a long story involving a government experiment, a really long road trip, weed, and our Okama GameSphere." The Coon said.
"Cannabis Eric, and yeah, it's great! Now I get high helping people cure their back pains, migraines, insomnia, and stress!" Towelie said.
"Anyways, we're here to pick up medication for Classi." The Coon said.
"Oh, yeah! Classy with a Y with a clit hanging off coming around and licking the shit outta the C?" Towelie said.
"Uh no. It's Classi with an I, and a dick hanging off the I fucking the shit outta the ASS." The Coon said.
"Oh, yeah, that Classi." Towelie said.
"Here's her order." Dovahkiin said as he handed Towelie the piece of paper that Classi gave to him.
"OK, let's see here, she likes the Banana Kush for her back, and some of the Platinum OG to- Wait, WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO PUT THE CHILLAX KUSH IN WITH THE OG MELLOWBLISS?! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU FUCKING RETARDS! PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT SHIT MIXED TOGETHER! THEY'LL GET FUCKED UP! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" Towelie said.
"Hey, hey, hey! Calm down Towelie! It's cool!" The Coon said.
"No Eric, IT IS NOT COOL! I'm trying to run a legitimate business, and my back hurts, and I can't sleep, I got no appetite, this shitty town is so fucked up, we gotta buy all our product from FUCKING SIXTH GRADERS, and who knows where they get that shit from! And then, I get you little motherfuckers telling me to calm the fuck down! FUCK YOU! YOU RELAX! YOU'RE A TOWEL! AAAAHHHHH!" Towelie said as he pulled out a lighter and hairspray, and jumped out on to the floor.
"Budtenders, get the fuck in here! It's time to give these customers a consultation!" Towelie said as he knocked down some weed, making it fall on the ground. Two other employees then rushed in, and Towelie then lit the hairspray, and hit both The Coon and Dovahkiin with it, burning them. One of the budtenders then kicked The Coon back into one of the piles of weed, lighting it.
"Shit, now you're lighting my stock on fire?! Sure smells nice though. God's air freshener." Towelie said.
"Burn the other piles!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then tried to get to the next pile but he was blocked by the budtenders. He then had an idea.
"Coon, I got an idea, hold your nose!" Dovahkiin said as he unleashed a massive fart, which stopped time. He ran across the room, lighting all the weed piles on fire. Time then started to flow again, and all the weed piles started to burn.
"OK, now it's time for my best attack! My best attack... My best... Oh hey Eric, how ya doin'? You know, I always thought you were a cool guy." Towelie said, now high off the fumes.
"Good job, ButtLord. You calmed Towelie down." The Coon said. Towelie then handed Dovahkiin a canister full of weed.
"Now, this is for Classi. I threw in a few hash nuggets and some Granddaddy Purple Shatter on the house... Come in anytime you need a hookup." Towelie said.
"Okay, thanks Towelie. Get this to Classi." The Coon said as they left. Dovahkiin then went over to Fastpass' house and handed Classi her weed.
"Thank fuckin' god! I need this shit, or I lose my motherfuckin' mind, you know what I'm sayin'? Anyways, y'all niggas need to go to U-Stor-It." Classi said. Dovahkiin then left the house, and a cop car stopped.
"You're the Farting Vigilante from the news, aren't you?" Detective Murphy said.
"Wait, I was on the news?" Dovahkiin said.
"Well, I need you to go on down to the police station. Sargent Yates wants your help." Detective Murphy said. Dovahkiin then got a call from The Coon.
"Did you get the information from Classi?" The Coon said.
"Yeah Coon, she says that the cats are being taken to U-Stor-It." Dovahkiin said.
"Good. We know where we need to go now, Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then got a text from Super Craig.
"Hey New Kid, I need you to come over to Tweak Bros. Coffee. It's really important. Later." The text said. Dovahkiin then got a call from Mr. Mackey.
"Hey, New Kid, it turns out that gender is actually more complicated then what we talked about yesterday, m'kay. When you have the time, can you come to my office to have a chat? M'kay?" Mr. Mackey said before hanging up. Dovahkiin then got another text from Super Craig.
"New Kid, you need to get more of your character sheet filled out. After helping me at Tweak Bros., go over to Crunchy's Microbrewery. There's someone who can help you there." The text said. New Kid then went over to Tweak Bros., where Super Craig was.
"Oh, hey New Kid. I have this ex-friend that I hate now, and he has my laptop. I need you to give him this note." Super Craig said before giving Dovahkiin a note. Dovahkiin then went inside, and into the back room. There, he saw Wonder Tweek in his civilian clothes, drinking coffee. Tweek's father then came in.
"How's the taste tests coming along son?" Mr. Tweak said.
"I CAN'T TASTE ANYTHING ANYMORE, GAAHHH!" Tweek said.
"Well keep trying, we need the perfect sunset blend." Mr. Tweak said before leaving. Tweek then noticed Dovahkiin standing there.
"Gaahh! What do you want?!" Tweek said before Dovahkiin handed him the note.
"Give me my fucking laptop back... WELL HE CAN HAVE HIS FUCKING LAPTOP WHEN I GET MY GUINEA PIG BACK! We bought it when we were together, but STRIPE IS MINE! I PAID FOR HIM, I HAVE THE RECEIPT! You think it's right that he gets to keep Stripe while he's the one who didn't stand up for me?! YOU TELL HIM THAT!" Tweek said as he gave Dovahkiin a receipt. Dovahkiin then went outside to where Super Craig was.
"Well, did you get my laptop?" Super Craig said before Dovahkiin handed him the receipt.
"Oh, he wants Stripe back?! FINE. Go up to my room, and get Stripe." Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went over to Super Craig's house, and went into his room. There, he saw Stripe hiding under some trash. He went up to it, and Stripe ran towards the vent. Dovahkiin had no time to catch him, he was too fast. Dovahkiin then farted, and used another fart to pause time, so that he could grab Stripe. He then went back to Tweak Bros. Coffee where Super Craig was.
"You got it? Good. When you give that to Tweek, you make sure that he knows that when you walk out on someone, you don't get to make the fucking rules!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went in to Tweek Bros, and saw Tweek standing near the back room.
"Oh, so he finally decided to be reasonable, huh? Here's his fucking laptop!" Tweek said before giving Dovahkiin Craig's laptop. Just then, Mr. Tweak came up to Dovahkiin.
"Oh, hello, New Kid. I see you're really trying hard to get my son and his boyfriend back together. I really appreciate it, having a gay son is really good for the coffee business. I think all they need is some relationship counselling. Can you give this to Tweek and Craig?" Mr. Tweak said, as he took Craig's laptop from Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then went outside to Super Craig.
"Where is it?" Super Craig said.
"I don't have it. Craig, you can get your laptop after you sort out your problems with Tweek. You need relationship counselling". Dovahkiin said as he handed a counselling referral to Super Craig.
"Ugh, relationship counselling? Fine, I'll go just as long as you're there as well. I need backup." Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went over to where Tweek was, and handed him the referral.
"What's this? Relationship counselling? CRAIG?! Are you shitting me?! Fine, I'll go. Just as long as you come as well. You seem to make him sensible." Tweek said. Dovahkiin then left to go to the school. As he walked into the school, he noticed that a sixth grader had put electrified water near Mr. Mackey's office. Dovahkiin noticed that the sixth grader was standing under a speaker, so he threw a firecracker at the speaker, and it fell on the sixth grader, knocking him out. He then paused time and turned off the power. He then entered Mr. Mackey's office.
"Oh, New Kid. Have a seat, please." Mr. Mackey said as Dovahkiin sat down.
"Now, I got some feedback from the principal that our discussion about sex, I mean gender wasn't precise enough. He, uh, gave me some guidelines on how to do a more through pass helping you identify your gender, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said as he looked down at his clipboard.
"Is the gender you were assigned to at birth the gender that you currently identify with?" Mr. Mackey said.
"I was born a male, and I identify as a male." Dovahkiin said.
"Oh, then you're cisgender! Just like we talked about yesterday! Now, I want to talk to you about sexuality. Now people get sex and gender mixed up, but that's bad, that's bad, m'kay. Now what is the gender of the type of person that you are sexually attracted to?" Mr. Mackey said.
"I am sexually attracted to all binary genders." Dovahkiin said.
"Oh, then that means that you are bisexual. You're bisexual, New Kid!" Mr. Mackey said.
"Okay, I think we're done here. Now go on out and enjoy the beautiful day." Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then got up, left his office, and left the school. Just as he left the school, a beat-down truck came by.
"Hey, it's that boy!" A redneck said.
"Oh, fuck. Not again...". Dovahkiin said.
"I hear they're cisgendered!" A second redneck said.
"And they're bisexual too!" A third redneck said.
"We don't take kindly to your types around here!" The first redneck said.
"Let's welcome this THING to our town!" The second redneck said before swinging his bottle of beer at Dovahkiin, who dodged at the last second. Dovahkiin then called for help from Super Craig, Captain Diabetes and Fastpass. They arrived within seconds. The first redneck shook a beer can, and sprayed it at Fastpass, who retaliated by striking him at Mach speed. Super Craig then punched the first redneck, knocking him back into the truck. Dovahkiin fired several fire blasts at the third redneck, burning him. Captain Diabetes then used a Coma Combo on the first redneck, causing him to be knocked out. Super Craig then rammed into the third redneck, and Fastpass hit the third redneck at superspeed, causing him to be incapacitated. Dovahkiin then used a psychic blast on the second redneck. The second redneck then kicked him, causing Dovahkiin to fly back into Fastpass. Captain Diabetes then used an Insulin Shock to knock back the third redneck, and Super Craig punched him, knocking him out. The heroes had won. Dovahkiin then left to go to Crunchy's Microbrewery.
To Be Continued...
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