Shorter chapter but I can definitely promise plenty of tears! And a pretty heavy amount of self-loathing. This is both a warning and a promise. Seriously, this is not a happy chapter. That being said, enjoy the sorrow, friends!
TO RIVAL THE SUN
VII
Sirius Black had always been an impulsive child.
Ever since he could remember, he had always acted first and thought the consequences through later. Spontaneity had always been one of his driving characteristics, something he had always secretly been pleased about. As far back as he could recall, he had always taken a certain amount of pride in being able to act on his every whim in a way that most people seemed so unable to. He had always seen it as incredibly freeing, viewing himself as far more liberated than the sad hapless fools doomed to be forever chained to their own sense of propriety and over-thoughtfulness, pitying them for seeming to always be stuck in the future, worrying about things that had not yet occurred and most likely never would, for all they knew. Even as a child, Sirius had always taken pride in his mindfulness, in his ability to live solely in the present, making decisions as the mood struck him, instead of constantly worrying about the results of those actions. Always, he had viewed the action as more important than the consequence, because consequences arrived in the future, not in that moment.
As a child, his mother had often described him as a terror, a wild and unmanageable brat; nothing but a disappointment. And the more he had heard himself described in that way, the more he felt comfortable residing in the permanent role of untamed rebel. It was a role that he had always thought gave him far more freedom in life than that of the somber masses of dead-eyed sheep wandering the earth in sad subdued herds, forcing themselves to toe every line they came across, until those lines and limitations became the very bars imprisoning them from truly living, from the true freedom spontaneity gave, trapped behind ugly walls constructed of their own overly-compunctious fear, living their lives hidden safely behind their own terrified consciences.
As a child, Sirius had pitied them.
But now, he knew what real regret truly was. Now, at last, he finally understood the reasons so many others had scolded him for or attempted to dissuade him from giving in to his every whim. Now, he finally understood how the consequences of an action were far more scarring than the action themselves. He understood now that no action, no impulse, ever came without consequences. Every decision had an outcome, especially stupid decisions. Stupid decisions led to stupid results, as Sirius had finally learned the hard way.
And that regret was not something he thought he would ever be able to get rid of. It haunted his every step, his every breath, everything he saw and smelled and touched, every single thought and feeling reminded him of nothing but the anguish and remorse tearing him up from the inside. He was nothing but walking regret; an empty Inferius who had been hollowed out and filled with guilt and shame and left to wander the earth in a permanent state of self-loathing. He had hurt the kindest person he had ever known, and it was not something he would ever be able to forgive himself for. It was not something he ever deserved to be forgiven for. Remus had not so much as looked at him in weeks. Not once had Sirius seen Remus even remotely glance in his direction, and Sirius was far too ashamed to attempt approaching him again.
Not that it mattered; every single time Sirius came within twenty meters of the other boy, he would disappear, simply melt away in silence like a curly-haired shadow of indifference. And every time Sirius saw Remus turn away, leave the room without a word, every time he refused to look in the brunet's direction, it cracked something inside of him. Every day, Sirius felt his heart break more and more, wondering how much longer it could continue before there was nothing left in his chest but glass splinters and bloodred shards. Remus hated him. And Sirius deserved it. Sirius hated himself and he deserved that just as much.
Self-loathing was an entirely new concept to Sirius. Despite the way his family had always looked down on him and were constantly belittling him and attacking his disgracefully un-Black character, he had always known that they were the real problem, not him. He had always told himself that it was them who did not deserve him, not the other way around. Amongst his peers, he had always been popular and well-liked, always felt comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with who he was as a person, to the point of over-arrogance, at times.
And because of those reasons, he had never really been able to understand Moony's crippling self-doubt and uncountable insecurities; the self-loathing that at times seemed to drape the other boy like a black cloak of shame. He had always thought so highly of Remus that he had never been capable of understanding why or how Remus was able to only view himself in such a negative light.
But now, Sirius finally understood what it was like for one to hate themselves. Unlike Remus, however, who hated himself for something that had been done to him, something that had never been his fault, Sirius hated himself for reasons that were entirely of his own doing. Remus hated himself because he was terrified that he could possibly one day hurt someone; Sirius hated himself because he had already hurt someone. And not just anyone, either. He had hurt Remus. He had hurt the most important person in the entire world, even if he was still struggling to figure out just what exactly his feelings for Remus meant.
The only thing he knew for certain was that he missed Remus more than he had imagined could be possible of another person. He missed Remus's sly humor, his quiet jokes so different from James' and Sirius's loud and raucous style, but somehow even funnier for the unexpected softness. He missed the way Remus would chew his lip while he studied, or the tiny shake of his head to toss the curls from his eyes. He missed the sound of Remus's voice, soft like the gentle falling of rain, warm like melting chocolate. He missed the way Remus's eyes would glow as they met Sirius's own, the pretty sparkle that would glint golden and warm from within their jade depths. He missed the tiny smile that would light up Remus's face at the sight of Sirius, and Sirius knew—that smile had been for him. It had been for him and him alone, and now it was gone.
Remus would never smile at him ever again, would he? Sirius had lost it forever, just as he had lost the love he had never even known he had had. He could not stop replaying those words, whispered so tearfully the last time they had spoken—I loved you. More than anything else in this world. Over the past few weeks, the words had refused to stop slicing their way through his mind in tormenting echoes, and every time they did, Sirius felt his insides shrivel into dust.
Remus had every right to hate him. But Sirius didn't think it would possible for anybody to ever hate him as much as he now hated himself.
Sirius had destroyed everything.
oOo
Remus sighed miserably, flipping through the dry pages of the Potions text before him, much too quickly to actually be able to take any of the information in. Not that it mattered much, anyway. The Potions assignment he had been attempting to work on for over an hour was simply not happening. His mind refused to focus on schoolwork or text, just as it had for nearly the entirety of the term. His inability to focus had started to show in his grades, but Remus was unsure of how to fix that. He had been trying, past the point of desperation, to keep his mind fixed solely on homework and classes, but it was simply no use.
All he could think of was Sirius.
He had thought his obsession with Sirius before had been extreme, but now…Remus sighed again. Sirius occupied his every single thought, everything he saw and heard reminded him of Sirius, and Remus couldn't help but wonder, for possibly the four-thousandth time that day, what Sirius and the others were up to. Was Sirius thinking of him? Was he still regretting what had happened? Would he try to apologize again or had he accepted Remus's anger and given up entirely on their friendship ever being salvaged?
Not that Remus thought it even could be salvaged. Not that he even wanted the selfish sod back in his life, or anything. After all, Remus was still furious; Remus was still hurt and had every right to be. He had every right to be angry and every right to hate Sirius for what he had done.
Except that he couldn't. Try as he might, angry as he still was, Remus simply could not hate Sirius. Yes, what Sirius had done had been both incredibly stupid and monumentally dangerous, nearly resulting in the death of another student, but Remus simply couldn't hold onto the hatred that would well up inside him at the remembrance. He couldn't think of Sirius without first feeling a white-hot rush of anger sweep through him from head-to-toe, grip him tightly in a searing fist of rage, hold him prisoner in a whirlwind of his own well-justified indignation, squeezing tighter and tighter until he felt as though he might choke on it.
Until he recalled in the very next breath the way Sirius had healed him after every full moon, the sight of Sirius throwing his head back and laughing, eyes sparkling happily, or else gazing down at him in genuine worry and concern as he helped pick Remus up off the floor of the Shack and assist him through the tunnel and back to the castle. The memory of Sirius cracking jokes in the Common Room never failed to bring a smile to Remus's face, even now, despite the anger he could still feeling boiling through his veins.
Sometimes, it felt as though his emotions were tearing him into pieces. He missed Sirius, more than anything. He missed him so much he could feel it, a physical ache deep in his chest, a pained throbbing growing stronger with every passing day. But he could also feel bitter ire sitting heavy and solid in his stomach, blistering his insides with its white-hot presence.
Both emotions, constantly warring with one another, did nothing but confuse Remus even further. How could he be so furious with Sirius, and yet still miss him as much as he did? How could he still want Sirius in his life when at times, he felt as though he would be swallowed alive by the force of his own rage towards the other boy? Often, he felt as though he was going mad, swinging constantly between emotional extremes, mind unable to decide which one it felt more strongly, unable to settle on what he was really feeling or what he truly wanted.
And, more than anything, his mind refused to stop thinking about everything that might have been, had things been different. Sirius had wanted him and Remus had turned him down and now he would never again get the chance to know what that would have been like. Sirius would never again kiss Remus breathless or whisper in his ear, never hold him in his arms or comfort him after a bad dream. Remus had finally been given a chance to know what it would have been like to be with Sirius, after years of fantasizing and dreaming about it. And now it would never, ever come true.
Sighing again, he wondered if the regret he felt now over not having taken the opportunity when it presented itself would have been stronger or weaker than the regret he was sure to have felt after it all ended horribly and Sirius had moved on to someone else. Would the memories have hurt more than the merciless regret? Or would they have torn up his insides just as violently?
The one thing that Remus knew for certain, no matter which way it ended, was that either outcome could not have resulted in anything but pain. It seemed as though he was doomed to nothing but pain, ever since the age of four, when a monster with the most terrifying set of eyes Remus had ever seen had nearly torn him to shreds. All he had known since that life-altering night was pain and self-loathing, loneliness and sorrow. It figured that he could only have fallen in love with someone who caused him such intense amounts of agony. It was something he had come to expect from every corner of life, the only absolute constant he could remember of the world. Life seemed to be constructed of nothing but razor-sharp ribbons of pain—physical, emotional, mental anguish that had been crippling Remus since childhood. He had grown up fully immersed in its merciless hold, clutched tightly by its piercing claws, severing the flesh from his bones until he was unsure of how much longer it could continue. How much longer could he survive like that? All Remus could see of tomorrow was sadness and agony, solitude and despair.
Sirius had been his life for so long; how did Remus live without the other boy? What would he have to focus on and smile about if Sirius was no longer a part of his everyday life? Where he would see the beauty in the world without Sirius? Where would the sunshine come from without the dazzling, radiant light that Sirius had been to him? Sirius had, ever since they first met, always appeared so much brighter than any star in the heavens, and Remus had never been surprised that the brunet had gotten his name from a constellation. For Merlin's sake, he had been named after the brightest bloody star in the entire night sky! How his parents could have known even then that Sirius was destined to shine so much brighter than his surroundings had always seemed a bit like destiny to Remus. Sirius had been born to be larger than life, brighter than the moon and stars and glowing heavens, outshining everything around himself until even the sun appeared dim in comparison.
Remus had never had a chance at holding onto him; he had been a fool to ever think he could. Sirius had always been as fickle as running water, as easily caught as a summer's breeze; Remus may as well have attempted to capture sunlight. For as much as Remus could feel the warmth of the sun beating down on his skin on a hot day, he would never, ever be able to hold it, never be able to reach out and touch its golden rays—just like with Sirius. As beautiful and blazing as Sirius had always appeared, he had also been just as untouchable as the sun, just as likely to catch Remus in his fiery caress if Remus was fool enough to ever get too close, incinerating Remus whole with the force of his fiery magnitude.
Sirius was the sun, and Remus was a monster of the night, one fated to never know the warmth of day. He was destined for a world of darkness, a solitary creature lost in a land as black as midnight. And Remus was angry—far angrier than he could ever remember feeling. But he also knew that Sirius, despite having wronged and hurt Remus, deserved so much more than an evil thing like him, a monstrous demon shackled to the darkness. Sirius deserved the light of the sun.
Remus would simply have to get used to watching him enjoy it from the shadows.
oOo
Everything was dark.
Pulling back his curtains just slightly, Sirius glanced around the dorm, noting how still everything was, the entire room shrouded in a heavy black blanket of night. It must be late, he mused, closing the curtain and lying back down. What had woken him? Closing his eyes, he pulled the Gryffindor-red sheets up to his chin, curling up in a ball and preparing to fall back asleep.
He had been trying for less than a minute, however, before his eyes flew back open. There it was again, that same sound that had woken him up. A sort of…was it a whine? Was it—it came again, and Sirius's heart nearly stopped dead. He recognized that sound. It was a whimper, followed by a low sob. It was the same sort of pained sound that Remus made when he was having a particularly bad nightmare.
Heart pounding, Sirius sat up in bed, unsure of what to do. Should he go to Remus and wake him? Or would that only make Remus feel worse? But Sirius could not simply sit there and allow Remus to remain lost in his nightmare! Should Sirius wake him with a spell? Or would that seem far too impersonal and rude?
Fuck, Sirius didn't know! He wanted nothing more than to go to Remus and wake him gently, stroke the hair back from his forehead and tell him everything would be okay before gathering the other boy in his arms; he wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort Remus.
But he couldn't. Sirius had lost that right, and it was all his own fault. Perhaps if he had never taken that right for granted, it would still be his to treasure, still be his to hold onto. He had always been the one to look after and care for Remus, the one to wake him from his nightmares and heal him after every full moon, and the thought of somebody else taking his place to do so made Sirius grit his teeth and clench his fists, a wave of sudden anger and jealousy sweeping over him.
A terrified cry rang out in the darkness, interrupting the spiral of emotion swirling through him. Oh, god, Remus! Pained, gasping sobs were beginning to fill the room, and Sirius was no longer able to continue sitting there, feeling sorry for himself.
Kicking free from the tangled sheets, Sirius leapt from his bed and raced to Remus's own, wrenching back the curtains and gazing down at Moony with sorrow in his eyes. The blanket was twisted underneath Remus, his fists clenched tightly in it, eyes squeezed shut and face a mask of pain. He was covered in a light sheen of sweat and tears, body twitching and head thrashing from side to side as he fought with his invisible attacker. Anguished whimpers and desperate sobs were slipping from his mouth, every tendon in his neck standing out, throat sounding dry as he attempted to drag in heavy breaths.
The sight made Sirius want to cry.
Placing one hand on Remus's shoulder and praying that the other boy would not be too upset to find Sirius standing over him, he shook Remus as gently as he could, shaking harder when the other boy did not respond.
"Remus," he whispered, sinking down onto the mattress near Remus's hip and taking hold of both his shoulders. "Remus!" he tried again louder, unable to ignore how right it felt to be able to touch the other boy once more.
Moony's eyes suddenly snapped open, drawing in a startled gasp as he half-sat up in bed, gaze darting wildly around as he struggled to draw breath.
"Remus, it's okay," Sirius soothed, unwilling to remove his hands and praying that Remus did not shove him away. "It's okay, you were just dreaming!"
"Sirius," Remus panted, eyes locking on him. And for a moment, Sirius saw something in his gaze, something he could almost convince himself was relief, possibly even wonder.
It vanished as Remus jerked himself away, breaking free from Sirius's hold and leaving the dark-haired boy feeling rejected and bereft. He could feel hurt shaping his features at the glare on Remus's face.
"You were having a nightmare," he explained softly, staring down at his cold fingers. "I just—I was just trying to help."
Remus said nothing for a very long time, breath evening out as he stared at Sirius in silence. "I'm fine," he said, turning away to stare into the distance.
"Was it Greyback again?" Sirius asked, desperate to keep Remus talking, desperate to not be sent back to his own empty bed so quickly.
"No," Remus laughed harshly. "He's not always in my nightmares, you know. Sometimes they're about," he paused to gulp, "you know what? Never mind."
"No!" Sirius nearly yelped, struggling to keep his hands from reaching out to the other boy. "Please tell me! What are they about? I thought it was always Greyback."
"Do you really want to know?" The question was quiet, nearly a whisper, Remus speaking down to his lap.
"Yes," Sirius nodded. "Of course I do, Remus, please. Tell me."
"Sometimes I dream that I'm the one attacking others," Remus admitted, voice so soft Sirius could barely make out the words. "And tonight I—I dreamed that I got loose in the castle. There was screaming and panic, and…" his voice was shaky and thick, and Sirius felt his arms ache with the desire to hold him, "and there was so much blood, everywhere I looked. The castle was flooded with it, overflowing with it, bodies of dead students everywhere, an entire sea of blood, with me in the very center…"
"Remus…" Sirius could not even attempt to hide his horror. That was what Remus was dreaming about? The mass murder of the entire student body at his own hands? "You haven't hurt anyone, Moony! You wouldn't, not ever!" He had meant the words to sound comforting but cringed away at the harsh laughter that met the statement.
"Yes, I would, Sirius," Remus growled, eyes flashing as they locked onto Sirius's own. "I very nearly did. If it hadn't been for James, I would have been every inch the killer I saw in that dream. This is my subconscious reminding me of the danger I put the entire world in simply by existing." His tone was biting and rancorous, and Sirius shrank back at the reminder of what he had nearly done to Remus.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered brokenly, blinking against the sudden tears in his eyes. "Please, Remus, please believe me when I tell you how sorry I am!"
Remus shook his head. "It's not that I don't believe you, Padfoot," Remus sighed wearily, sounding ancient and exhausted. "Its just that—what you did…what you tried to do…it's not something I can just forgive and move on from. I want to, I'm trying to! But I just—I can't. What you did…I would rather be torn apart by Greyback a hundred times rather than do the same to anyone else. And Snape…" a small sob reached Sirius's ears, making his heart clench painfully, "he was there, in the dream. I killed him. He looked so scared and then I just…I killed him. I tore him to shreds. He was dead and it was all because of me. He was covered in blood and bite marks, lying there in pieces, looking up at me with these black empty eyes…"
"Remus…" Sirius had no idea what to say, no idea how to respond to such a horrifying confession. He wanted to claw at his own chest, rip out his own heart just to stop the anguish spreading from it with every hammering beat. It was all his fault; he had put those nightmares in Remus's head.
"And you," Remus continued, interrupting Sirius's downward spiral of pained guilt. "You were there, too…I killed you too, Sirius. I ripped your throat out, I tore you apart! James and Peter, too! All of you were dead! I killed all of you!" Without warning, a sob wrenched itself from Remus's throat and he pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face between them as his frame shook from the force of his crying.
Without hesitation, Sirius reached out to pull Remus into his arms, locking him in an embrace. "You didn't, though, Remus," he soothed, resting his cheek against Remus's apple-scented hair and hating himself more and more with every passing second as Remus's weeping continued. "You didn't hurt anyone! We're all here, we're all fine!"
"Nobody's fine," Remus argued in a watery voice, "nobody in this castle is fine as long as I'm here! It was selfish of me to ever think I could belong here!"
"No, don't say that!" Sirius begged desperately, rocking the both of them. "Don't say that, Remus, it's not true! You do belong here, in this castle, in this tower! You belong with us! You belong—" he hesitated for a moment but forced the words out through the fear threatening to choke him, "you belong with me. You belong here, Remus, in my arms, with me."
The moment he said the words, he wished he could take them back. Remus jerked away as though scalded, nearly throwing himself from the bed as he glared at Sirius, tears still streaming silently down his pale face.
"I think you should go now," he said quietly, voice catching. "I'm not in the nightmare any longer and I think you should go back to your own bed."
"Moony, please," Sirius whispered, reaching out one hand but dropping it when Remus flinched away. "Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I can't take this anymore, just tell me how to fix it! Tell me how to get you back in my life, tell me how to earn your trust back!"
Remus's glare vanished to be replaced by a look of utter misery. "That's not how it works," he said softly, and Sirius wasn't sure what emotion it was in his eyes. Pity? Sorrow? Defeat? "You can't just summon a person's trust back like it was a lost quill or something. The answer is that I don't know, Sirius. I don't know if it will ever be fixed; I don't know how to even begin to resolve everything that's happened between us. It's not even Christmas hols yet and absolutely everything has been ruined, and I don't know if it can ever be set right again.
"So please," he continued, voice pleading but still just as soft, "please go now. I just can't—I can't be around you right now, Sirius." He glanced up with a tortured expression. "It hurts too much."
The tears that had been threatening to fall finally broke free, sliding coldly down Sirius's cheeks. "Okay," he nodded jerkily. "Okay, Remus, I'll go. But you should know that I'm not giving up. I miss you and I care about you and I am not ever going to stop hoping that I'll one day be able to earn your forgiveness, even if it takes me the rest of forever."
Slipping from the bed, he stared down at Remus in silence, feeling his heart snap in two with an audible crack. "Goodnight, Remus," he whispered, reaching out to lightly brush the other boy's arm with his fingers before forcing himself to turn away and walk back to his own bed. He could not stop replaying the conversation in his head, just as he could not stop the tears that continued to stream down his face, wetting his pillow. He heard another anguished sob from the bed he had just left, a second before the entire room fell into absolute silence, and Sirius knew that Remus had cast a privacy charm around himself. The realization that he had done it in order to fall to pieces, and that Sirius was the sole cause of those tears, made the brunet cry even harder, following Remus's lead and casting a silencing charm around his own bed before burying his face in his pillow and allowing every wail of regret that had been locked so deeply inside tear itself free from his throat. Despite what he had said to Remus, he knew that he did not deserve the other boy's forgiveness. And just like Remus had also said, Sirius had no idea how to go about gaining it back.
The entire world was a mess and Sirius had no idea how to even begin to fix it.
A/N: Poor boys :( But I really do promise that this story will have a happy ending! Cross my heart!
