A/N: Heay, thanks for the last reviews. They were nice. I'm going to try and cheer things up a bit cause I think if I continue the way I have this story will just take to much energy outta me and you the reader. You know what I mean?! Anyway, don't worry I'm not going to completely change the story just give the characters a little break is all.
Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else.
Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new.
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Jacks POV:
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH DOC!" I shouted. "I can't watch him mutilate himself like that again. I WON'T! It's obscene. I can't do it, I'm not strong enough."
I'm ashamed to hear my voice crack. I'm the big bad Colonel in the United States Air Force. I'm not supposed to show emotions. Earlier today I brought Daniel to the mountain to do some work. I left him at his office and headed straight here. Doctor McNally was sitting quietly behind his desk, waiting for me to finish my tirade. I hated that he could stay so calm.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Colonel. I realize that it's not an easy thing to do, but it was my understanding that you and Dr. Jackson were close and that you'd do anything to aid his recovery." he says.
"That's not fair, Doc. Of course I'd do anything to help him but what your asking is too much. How is anyone expected to do that…"
"Not anyone, Colonel, you. You can do this. The fact that this is bothering you so much proves to me that you are capable of doing this for Daniel. You're exactly what he needs right now and I know I can trust you with him."
I mumble something in reply.
"What was that?"
"I said; what if I don't trust myself with him?"
"What do you mean?"
I sigh. "Doc, just how…private is this conversation?" I try not to fidget. This isn't the way I usually…eh…operate.
"Anything you tell me will be kept confidential." he assured me.
"Right. Okay. Look I don't think I can be what you want for Daniel. I…I'm not in that place. My…feelings for him are…eh…more than that of a…um…a friend. I just don't think that, that's what Daniel needs in his life right now. You know what I'm saying?"
I run my hand through my greying hair. Distinctly uncomfortable with the subject.
"Are you saying you harbour…romantic feelings for Daniel?"
"Yes…No…I don't know…"
"Well it seems to me that what you're doing right now is fine. And romantic feelings or not you're still Daniels friend and he needs you. I can't see you walking away from that. Now I can't tell you what to do, but if I were you, I'd talk to Daniel. Tell him how you feel about all this. He might just appreciate your honesty. You don't have to tell him about your romantic feelings if you don't want to. Just how last night made you feel.
"If you do want to…pursue a relationship with Daniel, that's your decision. But I have faith in you, you can do this Colonel."
"Right. Okay. Eh…thanks." I say and turn to leave the room.
The doc just nods his head and returns to his work. I don't think he will tell anyone about our conversation. And maybe, just maybe he's right about telling Daniel. I don't know if I will just yet, but we do need to talk.
I take the next left and make my way to Daniels office.
'Knock knock'
"Come in."
"Hey, Daniel." I say.
He's bent over his desk, obviously translating some ancient language I'll never understand.
"What's up, Jack?"
I shuffle around a bit. I'm starting to re-think my decision to talk to him about this.
"Jack? What is it?" He walks up to me and shuts the door leading me to the couch in the office.
"Daniel, I…" my mouth is dry. But I keep going. "…I spoke to Dr. McNally earlier."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Eh, it was about last night." I feel Daniel stiffen beside me.
"I'm sorry Daniel, its just last night was hard for me. You know me. I'm not one to sit around and watch bad stuff happen. I'm a doer. Watching you last night was really hard for me. That's what I talked to McNally about." I tell him. His face seems unusually blank.
"I see."
"At first I thought I couldn't do it again, but you know what, Daniel? I will. I'll do ANYTHING to help you. Even if that means watching you…do that. I just wanted to be honest with you…" I trail off and hear Daniel heave a big sigh.
"I appreciate that, Jack. I'm sorry for putting you in such a difficult position last night. I wasn't thinking straight. It won't happen again." he says.
"Damn it, Daniel! Did you hear a word I said? I don't like it, but if it's what you need, I'll be there. I'll always be there for you, no matter what you need. Okay?" I asked looking at him.
"Yeah, Jack. Thanks."
"No problem. I just wanted us to be honest with each other. That Dr. McNally is certainly a piece of work." I said jokingly.
"Yeah. Tell me about it." he said laughing.
"I'm surprised you went to see him actually. I though you hated Shrinks?" he says.
"I do. But there's something about that guy…he just…gets under your skin I guess."
"Yeah, I know that."
"Have you had your session with him today yet?"
"No. I'm meeting him in an hour." He pauses and I wait for him to continue. "…I should hate shrinks too I guess, after the whole McKenzie instant, right? But, I don't. Is it wrong that I want these sessions?"
"What? No! What makes you say that?"
"I don't know. I just feel like I should be fighting him every step of the way. Like by going along with all this, it's like I'm, I don't know, looking for attention or something…" he shrugs his shoulders and wraps his arms around himself in his patented self-hug.
"Ah Danny, that's not right. You're right to be 'going along' with all this. You want to get better. That's a good thing. Has this been bothering you, Daniel?"
"Yeah, I suppose it has."
"Well, you don't need to worry. It's okay. Hey how's about we go out tonight? We'll invite Carter and Teal'c. Maybe have dinner? We could go back to my place for drinks?" I offer. We could all use a team night.
"Yeah, I'd like that."
"Good. I'll ask the others. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah, Jack. Go on, I'll talk to ya later." he smiles at me. I think I've done good.
Daniels POV:
"So, I hear Jack was talking to you earlier…" I'm sitting in front of Dr. McNally in his newly appointed office on the base.
"Yes." he replies, not giving anything away.
"…and?"
"And, we had a very interesting conversation."
"You're not going to tell me anything?"
"Daniel, you know I can't do that."
"Yeah. I know. Can't blame a guy for trying though, eh?"
He smiles at me.
"So what do you want to talk about today?"
I remember I'd mentioned McKenzie to Jack earlier and wondered why McNally had never brought the subject up.
"How come you never mentioned McKenzie after the first session?" I ask him.
"I read the file as you suggested Daniel, but I've been waiting for you to bring it up when you were ready. I didn't want to push you."
"Oh."
"Would you like to discuss it now?"
"Um…I think so…" I'm not sure. The instant still bothers me but I don't know how to go about talking about it.
"Well why don't you start by telling me how you 'contracted' the alien virus? Parasite? Whatever you refer to it as."
"A menace!" I mutter. "Okay. We were off world and we entered a sealed chamber. It was very dark. We discovered several bodies. All were deceased. It was…disturbing, to say the least."
I see him nod. He never interrupts me when I'm talking. Unless there's something he really doesn't understand. Like alien weapons or terms.
"When we returned from the gate everything seemed pretty much fine. But then later…things started happening. I heard the…Stargate in my closet. I was…g-grabbed by one of the dead aliens from the planet. It tried to…p-pull me through, but I fought it off. I was so scared." I trail off, looking down at my feet. I try hard to keep my emotions together. I take a deep breath and continue.
"The others didn't understand what was happening. I think they were scared to. I don't really know. At one point b-before they…s-s-sent me away…I was in one of the guest rooms with Jack playing chess. Things were going alright at first but then . . . he asked me to get some cards from the cabinet. I turned around in my chair to look at it. It seemed so far away. Shakily I got up and walked over to the cupboard. I could hear the gate activating. I steeled myself and quickly opened the doors. There was nothing there.
"Maybe I really was going mad? I got the deck of cards and went back around to Jack. Sitting down I saw a Goa'uld larva kind 'a 'sitting' there. No other way to explain it, on Jack's shoulder. I tried to ignore it. Jack knew something was up. But I just tried to play the game. That's when I saw it go into to him. I couldn't let Jack get infected with one of those things! I dived across the table to try and get it out but…I…c-c-couldn't. I couldn't save Jack! I felt tears run down my face. I tried to stop it."
"Okay, Daniel, I think that's…enough for now."
"NO! I mean, eh, no. I want to keep going. I need to do this. Please."
"Okay." Drying my eyes I collect myself, as much as I can anyway and continue my tale.
"Janet betrayed me. She sided with McKenzie. She signed for me to be taken away to that…that place." I spit out the word like a profanity.
"They took my glasses! Afraid I'd hurt myself with them. Funny you know. The entire time I was there they never once looked at my arms! Any injections they gave me were in the neck! I hated it there. I really started to believe I'd gone crazy. I'd turned into Nick! I hated that, and myself.
"That's when I saw that…thing go into Teal'c. My head started to clear again and I managed to convince McKenzie to let me see Jack. When I was released, I realized it was a hollow victory. Everyone was okay again…but I couldn't look at ANY of them the same way. They were my family and they betrayed me. I wanted to die."
I really couldn't go on after that. I curled up in the chair, lifting my legs so that they were pressed into my chest. I cried.
"Daniel, Daniel, look at me."
Slowly I lifted my head, tears streaming down my face.
"Have you talked about this to anyone? Colonel O'Neill? Major Carter?"
I shake my head in the negative.
"And yet you all seem to have a very close relationship?"
"I just tried to move on. To forget what happened."
"So you never fought with them? Told them how you felt about this?"
"No! I told you!"
"Alright. Okay. Daniel listen to me. This is completely up to you. It's your decision to make, just hear me out." I nod.
"I think we should have a group session. Bring in Colonel O'Neill, Major Cater, Teal'c, General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser. It would give you a chance to…tell them how you feel. It could help you…move on from what happened. Will you do it?" Should I? Could I? I knew it would be difficult and awkward, but…would it really help? "I don't know doc…" Damn Jack was rubbing off on me.
"That's fine Daniel. Just…think about it?"
"Okay."
"Alright. Is there anything else?"
"No. That's it I think."
"Okay. You can go. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See ya Dr. McNally." I leave the office feeling a little numb.
Jacks POV:
"Cater!" I half leaned into the scientist's lab.
"Come in, Sir."
"What do ya think about a team night tonight? Dinner and back to my place after?"
"Sure, sounds great. Have you asked…"
"Daniel, but not Teal'c. I haven't found him yet." She smirked. "Last I heard, Sir he was…sparing…with the new recruits." The smirk got bigger.
I gained one of my own. "Right-eo, I'll see to that. We'll meet topside at 19:00. Okay?"
"Sure. See you then, Sir."
I'm just out of the office when she calls me back. "Yeah?"
"Don't have too much fun!"
I smirk again. "Can't promise that."
I whistle as I walk to the gym. I'm delighted by what I see. Teal'c is making mince meet of the new recruits. That is until he see's me. 'Oops!'
"Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you would like to show the others how to spar with a Jaffa!" He raises his eyebrows and God help me I can't ignore a challenge. I'm screwed.
"Sure, Teal'c, no problem."
BIG problem. I'm about to be humiliated in front of a bunch of Marines.
I'm given a wooden staff by a tallish man who's panting like mad. Teal'c's last victim. Nodding to each other we start.
This staff fighting is not as easy as it looks. I think I've lasted a little longer than the others judging by the looks on there faces. I hope I have anyway. But I have to concentrate or else this'll be over all too soon. I start to take an offensive move but I'm blocked. I swing my staff around and kick out with a leg. I actually managed to hit Teal'c. But it doesn't seem to effect him. I can tell by the look in his eyes though, it'll be the last time I hit him. With a move I never saw coming he had me on my back and I'm panting, completely winded.
I hear clapping in the background and a hand enters my line of sight. I grab the hand and Teal'c drags me up.
"You did well, O'Neill."
"Eh, thanks big guy. You're not so bad yourself." I'm still winded. I turn back around to face the marines and they seem stunned.
"What?" I ask.
"Sir. None of us lasted five minuets with Teal'c. You…eh…"
"Well spit it out…"
"You spared with him for a good half an hour." Surprise lights up my face and I look towards the clock in the gym. "I did?"
"Indeed, O'Neill. You are improving greatly."
"Thanks, T."
The 'session' with the marines finished up about 10 minuets later and I walked with Teal'c to the locker room.
"So, Teal'c. How's about a bit of a team night tonight? We can go for dinner, then back to my place? Carter and Daniel are coming." I ask.
"I would like that very much O'Neill. Thank-you. What time shall I meet you?"
"Eh we're all meeting top side at 19:00. You can stay a my place too, for the night, if ya want."
"Very well, O'Neill. I shall meet you at 19:00 and stay at your residence for the night."
"Great! I'll see you then." I say as I rub my hands together in excitement.
I leave Teal'c and go to my office. I have paperwork to do. What fun!
At 1850, I head to the locker rooms and change into my civilian clothes. Daniel is already there.
"Hello stranger." I great him.
"Hey, Jack." He answers a little slowly but I'm not too worried. He knows he can talk to me when he needs to and we're going out now so hopefully that'll cheer him up.
'OFF WORLD ACTIVATION. OFF WORLD ACTIVATION!' The klaxons sound and we both look up. 'Shit!'
Daniel and I look at each other and run to the Gate Room. Carter and Teal'c enter together.
Unsurprisingly, General Hammond is already there.
"Have you got an IDC?"
"Yes. It's from the Metsoins." says Siler.
"Open the Iris" commands Hammond.
Metsoins…Metsoins…I realize it's the people of P3X 509. Not good. With horror I watch the prince enter the base with his body guards. Daniel paled.
"General Hammond, greetings. We're sorry to have come early but there is something of importance we must discuss."
"That's fine. We'll meet you in the briefing room in ten. I'm sorry but you have to go though our medical scans first. Safety, you understand."
"Of course. I shall meet you in…ten…?"
This can't be good. "Doctor Jackson, I won't force you but you do realize you have apologies to make?" the General tells him quietly.
I watch Daniel nod. I'm worried now. As we all leave for the briefing room I whisper in his ear. "Do you want me to get McNally?"
"No. I can do this…I hope."
We enter the briefing room and sit down.
"What can we do for you?" asks General Hammond.
"Well General, as you know we've agreed to a treaty with each other. Unfortunately there has been great un-ease within our people. My father has…taken ill…and well my great uncle intends to take the throne knowing I cannot clam my place 'till I take a companion. My great uncle is not a nice man. He has tried to claim the throne before, but my father, well that's pretty obvious."
"Sorry, I don't mean to be blunt and I'm sorry about your father but, what do you want us to do?" I asked.
"Well you see if my uncle does claim the throne our treaty will be null and void. He does not…approve of…outsiders. I fear that he will make an attempt on my fathers life before I can chose a companion. I ask your assistance to protect my father. He will not live much longer. I just need to know he is safe while I look for a companion, at the moment I cannot fully trust my men. Just those you see now and they will be with me during my search."
'This is madness!' I think to myself. We're supposed to act as body guards while this guy finds a wife!
"Just how long are we talking about?" I don't mean it to sound as callous as it does.
"A few days, maybe a week. My father has been sick a long time. Please, for the sake of the treaty." he pleads with us.
"Very well. Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter and Teal'c will return with…"
"What of Dr. Jackson?" I see him look toward Daniel out of the corner of his eye. Daniel does his best not to make eye-contact. Something that is very unusual for him.
"I'm afraid that Dr. Jackson cannot accompany you at this time as he has been restricted to desk duty."
"I see. And what if I were to…insist that Dr. Jackson accompany us. For the sake of the treaty. Would your eh…government agree to that?"
Much as I hated exceptions being made for people I could have kissed Prince Lamenkesh. I hadn't liked the thought of leaving Danny here alone for the week.
"I think we could arrange something." says General Hammond. I knew I liked him for a reason.
Daniels POV:
I was stunned by what was going on around me. This couldn't be happening. Right? Before I knew it, the meeting was over and I was left in the room with Prince Lamenkesh.
"How are you, Dr. Jackson?"
I stayed sitting down, my eyes averted. "Prince Lamenkesh, I would just like to apologize for my actions earlier on in the week. It was inexcusable. You were trying to help me and I through that back in your face. I am very sorry."
"Dr. Jackson, there is nothing to apologize for. I understand that you were under stress at the time. No offence has been taken. How are you now? Have you spoken to someone like I suggested before?"
"…yes…" I whisper.
"Good. I am sorry you have experience so much pain, Dr. Jackson. And I am sorry that you've gone through it so long on your own."
"How…" I gulp. "How did you know? Before, on the planet, how did you know about me?" I needed to know this.
"I could see it in your eyes. I've seen it before, in my brother's eyes."
"How did he deal with it?" I ask.
"He didn't."
I look up then. He clarifies for me.
"He died. Lost too much blood."
I pale. "Oh…" What else can I say? He just stares at me. It's un-nerving. "…I-I'm very sorry for your loss…"
"It's okay, Dr. Jackson. It was a long time ago. I've made my peace. I hope your government allows you to join us." He nods and leaves the room. I can't move.
"Daniel, come on. Gear up. Hammond's gotten permission from the president."
Robotically I stand and follow Jack out of the room to get ready. He squeezes my shoulder. I understand.
We walked into the Gate room. So much for our team night I think to myself. Prince Lamenkesh was standing there with his body guards and the rest of SG-1 was also there. However the person who surprised me was Dr. McNally. I freeze.
"Sorry, Daniel, condition to going with us." whispers Jack in my ear.
I suck in a breath and nod, pushing my irritation down as far as I can.
"SG-1 you have a go. Good Luck." Says General Hammond over the intercom.
The gate engages. We start walking up and I notice Dr. McNally hesitate. Despite my irritation I go over to him.
"You're sure this is o.k.?" I know he doesn't mean his accompanying me to the Metsoins' home world.
"You'll be fine." I tell him and give him a…gentle…push though. I doesn't make me feel better.
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A/N: Heay. I was trying for a lighter chapter here but, well, I couldn't help tormenting Daniel a little bit more. Bad author, VERY, VERY bad author. Oh well. Don't worry he won't suffer too much…I hope…please review.
Re-edited on April 4th 2009.
