All I Ask Of You
Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi nor any other literary or pop culture references. Sorry for the completely cruel delay on this chapter. I got wrangled into acting in a local haunted theatre, and I only found out two days before it started, so there went my free time. Also, for the record, Nowhere To Run made me want to punch people. Namely Clare. Repeatedly. I'll try not to take out my frustration with her in the fic though... I'll try.
Chapter 7
You're Talking in Riddles, and It's Not Like You
I waited patiently as I heard the doorbell chime inside. My insides started to squirm as I stood there on the front steps of Eli's house. Finally, I heard footsteps approaching along with the click of the lock being unlatched. Eli's face peered around the door, going from curious to confused within a three second span.
"Clare?" he spoke, clearly at a loss for my sudden unannounced appearance.
"Hi," I answered awkwardly. "Um... I... Can I come in?"
His brow furrowed, Eli stood aside, motioning me inside.
"Your parents aren't home?" I asked as I stepped inside, noting the unusual quiet of the Goldsworthy household.
"Cece's having a 'girls' night' with her old high school friends and Bullfrog's at the station," he explained. "What brings you here, Edwards?"
"My umm... I had a counseling session with my mom today..." I began, unsure of what I wanted to say since I'd arrived.
"Uh... okay..." Eli looked around, apparently at a loss for words as well.
"Some stuff came up about the divorce, and my mom got really upset," I finally said, looking at my shoes. "She talked about the cheating and me acting out."
Eli remained silent.
"It was just... overwhelming... and when we got home, I just didn't want to be there... and when the divorce was going on, I had you to turn to, and you were my rock," I told him, looking up and meeting his eyes. "I guess I just needed to turn to someone this time too..."
"Clare..." he started then stopped himself, raising his clenched hand up in front of his mouth, breathing into it.
"I... I'm sorry to just show up, but I didn't even really think about where I was going. I just knew that I needed to see you," I told him honestly.
Eli's clenched hand released and came to rest behind his neck, and he started to pace in the foyer. I felt my insides squirming again, unsure of what exactly he was reacting to. I knew I was out of line to just show up, but I thought once I got here that he would know what to say, what to do to make me feel better, and it seemed he was at a loss.
"Eli?" I asked timidly.
"Clare... I... I don't..." he stammered, wringing his hands.
"Eli, are you okay? Are you... Are you having a panic attack?" I asked slowly, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but purely concerned by his behavior.
"I need to sit down," he said suddenly, dashing across the foyer into the living room. I followed, perching myself on the Goldsworthy's coffee table across from him. The scene struck my memory like a bolt of lightning as I remembered his surprise visit to my own house, so many months ago.
"Eli, talk to me, please," I begged, feeling every bit of an idiot for even coming over.
Eli buried his face in his hands, taking deep breaths.
"Clare, I can't... do this..." he breathed.
"Do what, Eli? What do you need? Did the doctor give you something for this? Do I need to find your medicine?" I asked hurriedly, starting to stand up.
Eli's hand found my knee, halting me.
"I don't need a pill, Clare. It's not that. It's... I... I can't be... here for you... like this right now..."
I crinkled my brow in confusion, wondering if I heard him correctly.
"What do you mean? I didn't... I didn't mean..." I found myself stammering.
"I can't be your rock right now," he said softly, his head rising up from his hand. "Too much has happened, Clare. You can't just come here and expect me to let you run into my arms for shelter like the past few months haven't meant anything. I... You have to learn how to be your own rock right now. I can't do it for you..."
"I don't... I don't want you to do it for me... I know I have to... I just... I shouldn't have come," I shook my head, fighting back the urge to cry. Eli's words hit me deeper than I expected them to. I knew our newly rekindled friendship was still shaky, so why had I come here, expecting to dump my baggage on him? It was stupid, and he didn't need this. Eli was doing so well, but his mental stability was still a struggle for him, and I knew that.
I tried to stand up again, but Eli's hand remained on my knee. I felt the bridge of my nose begin to burn as the tears I was holding back began to pool in my eyes. Eli held my gaze with his own, and I saw the anguish behind them.
"Please don't cry," he breathed.
I couldn't help it as the tears spilled over the edge. Something about that phrase always got me, from the time I was little. I looked away, trying in vain to hide them.
Eli's hand rose from my knee to grasp my arm, pulling me towards him, and once again, we sat with barely an inch between us, in each other's arms, though unlike the scene I remembered before, I was the one needing comfort. His was the hand rubbing my back gently as I cried into the nook between his neck and shoulder. Embarrassing sobs left my chest, and I gripped Eli's faded t-shirt in my hands.
"I'm sorry," he breathed into my hair, his tight embrace wrapping me in comfort.
My tears began to lessen and I breathed deeply, trying to regain my composure.
"Tell me about the counseling session..." he invited, unwrapping his arms from around me and wiping the tears from my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
"You don't have to..." I said quietly, ashamed at my outburst.
"It's okay. I think I can handle it... We just both need to remember that you're here, seeking comfort from a friend, and I'm providing comfort to you... as a friend..." he explained, a slightly nervous look adorning his face.
I was suddenly aware of our physical proximity, and I scooted myself sideways on the couch, putting a good two feet between us.
"Better?" I asked. Eli rolled his eyes.
"My mom said some things that made me feel really guilty about the way I acted last fall," I began. "I guess without knowing about the infidelity involved, I wasn't making it very easy on her. She had enough on her plate without a petulant daughter refusing to see reality..."
"I'd be lying to you if I told you that you were being completely rational and mature for a bit there," Eli said carefully.
"I know," I sighed. "I was horrible to her. I'm still horrible to her. I can't help it. It's this whole remarriage thing. It's too soon, and I can't help but feel a little bit of anger towards her because if it wasn't for her and Glen, Jake wouldn't have unceremoniously dumped me at the prom..."
"Yeah..." Eli stretched out. "Not his finest moment. I don't know why people think school dances are the best break-up spots."
"Touché," I smirked, and Eli flashed one of his own.
"Was this the first time you found out about your dad cheating?" he asked.
"Nope," I pursed my lips. "I found their divorce papers not too long after spring break. My mom just left them laying there on the kitchen table."
"Wow, hell of a way to find out," Eli commented.
"No kidding. That's another issue all together though. I haven't talked to my dad in weeks. I just can't understand how he could do that to her, to us..." My words fell off as I lost myself in thought. My dad's betrayal hurt worse than my anger towards Mom and Glen by far, and I felt myself choking up again. I tried to look up at the ceiling fan, wanting my tears to cease.
"If you need to cry, Clare. You don't have to hide it," Eli said softly. I lowered my gaze to meet his to see the soft compassion radiating from his face. I wanted so badly for him to hold me again, to rub my back and make it all disappear. "Do you want some tea?" he asked.
I nodded, sniffling a little. As Eli got up to head to the kitchen, I slipped into the downstairs bathroom, blowing my nose and wiping the moisture from beneath my eyes. My cheeks were splotchy and red, but until I could calm myself down, I knew they would stay that way. After tossing my used tissues in the trashcan, I followed Eli into the kitchen. He had just put the old family kettle on the stove, a heavy deep blue old-fashioned piece that always made me think of Cece.
"Shouldn't take too long," he said, pulling a box of tea bags out of the cabinet and offering it to me. "Wanna take your pick?"
I looked through their expansive collection of teas. Cece was a hot beverage connoisseur. She had recipes and ingredients to make teas, ciders, and hot chocolates for days. I found a simple green tea, placing it on the counter before passing the box back to Eli. He plucked out a matching bag before putting the box away.
We stood in silence for a moment, before I voiced my thoughts.
"Thank you," I told him. "For letting me unload on you... and making me tea."
I felt a blush rise to my cheeks as my words floated between us. The corner of Eli's mouth turned up in a signature smirk. Eli and I jumped a little as the kettle began to whistle on the stove, and we both chuckled nervously as Eli reached to turn the eye off. I reached up in the cabinet to pull down two mugs, still familiar with the Goldsworthy's kitchen though I hadn't been in it for the last few months.
Eli and I carried our tea back to the living room. He sat in Bullfrog's worn leather recliner, and I perched myself back on the couch. I filled him in some more on our therapy session, and he listened intently, commenting and questioning as I talked about my mother's impending marriage and missing Darcy. I didn't cry anymore, but I knew the urge wasn't far away. I had to take deep breaths in between some of my sentences, and I was sure Eli noticed.
Before I knew it, night had fallen, and my cell phone rang in my pocket. I pulled it out, already knowing it was my mother.
"Hey mom," I greeted solemnly.
"Clare, honey, are you okay? It's getting late, and I wanted to make sure you didn't need me to come get you," she answered, a faint worry audible behind her words.
"I'm fine... I... I just stopped by... Katie Matlin's... to talk about some ideas for the newspaper next year," I tried to sound calm, my brow furrowing. Eli rolled his eyes and stifled a laugh at my poor attempt at a cover story.
"Oh... okay, well you need to head home soon. Can Katie bring you home?"
"Can Katie bring me home?" I repeated, staring intently at Eli. He smirked and nodded. "Yeah, she can. I'll be home in a bit, okay?"
"Alright, honey. See you soon. Bye."
"Bye, Mom."
Eli chuckled as I locked my cell phone.
"It's not funny," I defended.
"You know, at some point, you're going to run out of excuses if you keep hanging out with me," he teased.
"Oh, you mean we'll be spending more time together? I figured you'd be getting sick of me," I fired back.
"Maybe if you play your cards right," he retorted. "But we should probably start getting you back. Perhaps you didn't notice, but I don't exactly have a car here to drive you."
"Oh... right..." I had forgotten that with both his parents gone, there wasn't a vehicle for him to use.
"I don't mind walking you home," he offered.
"You don't have to do that," I protested, knowing he'd have to walk back alone.
"Nah, it's no big deal. Just let me shoot the parentals a text as to my whereabouts, and we'll be on our way," he insisted.
A few minutes later, we departed the house, walking side by side down the narrow sidewalk. I felt myself blush a few times as our hands brushed together from having to walk so close together, but Eli made no sign of reaction that I could detect.
Our conversation fell in random spurts. We'd talk about a movie or a book we'd read, then fall silent for a few minutes. My feet were tiring as we reached my street, but I kept pace with Eli, knowing I was almost home. I stopped him a few houses down from mine, not wanting my mother to see him walking me home.
"I think it's best you don't walk me to the door," I told him regretfully as I turned to face him.
"Yeah, I don't really fancy an encounter with your mom, no offense," he teased.
"Thanks for walking me home... and for the tea... and before..." I said softly, looking up at him.
"No problem," he returned. An awkward moment of silence fell between us. I was unsure of how to end our night. Should I hug him? Would it be too forward of me to want to?
"You're looking at me funny," he announced, and I felt my cheeks redden.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to, I just..." I stammered.
One of Eli's brows raised behind his dark hair. "Just what?"
"Um... I was going to hug you goodbye, but I... I didn't know if..."
Eli laughed and then stepped towards me, holding his arms out with a roll of his eyes. I felt silly, but I wrapped my arms around his neck as his wrapped around my back.
"Thanks," I said into his shoulder.
We broke apart slowly, and suddenly our cheeks were brushing past one another as I came down from my tiptoes. I lost my breath a little as I felt the sudden urge to kiss him wash over me. I didn't know if he felt it too, but I knew I wasn't the only one lingering. My hands were still on his shoulders, his still on my waist when he spoke, our faces only inches apart.
"I uh..."
I might've laughed at his lack of articulation if my stomach wasn't in knots. Our eyes met, and I found myself leaning towards him. Our lips were mere centimeters from touching. I could feel his staggered breaths, and just as our lips barely brushed against one another, suddenly he pulled away, clearing his throat.
I stood there confused as to what had just happened. Why had he pulled away?
"I should get home," Eli blurted out, and with some swift motion, he put his hands in his pockets and set off on a brisk walk in the opposite direction. I watched him for a few moments, as he never looked back, striding around the corner and out of sight. I turned on my heel, heading to my house and inside.
"Clare," my mother called from the kitchen, startling me as I closed the door behind me.
"Yeah, it's me," I answered, following her voice.
"I made some chicken salad," she offered, pointing to a bowl on the counter with a box of small croissants. "I was just about to eat, if you want to join me?"
"Sure, sounds great," I feigned enthusiasm, taking the plate she then offered me.
As we sat down to eat dinner, my almost encounter with Eli remained heavy on my mind. Should I have leaned in? Why did I have to end the evening on such an awkward note? Mostly though, I was confused as to why Eli had pulled away and practically run... I couldn't deny the fact that it made me almost a little agitated, and I couldn't understand why he would just turn tail and leave.
I went to bed that night still bothered, but after the emotionally draining day I had stumbled through, I fell into a hard sleep. The last thoughts swimming before I fell were of Eli, analyzing, wondering, and hoping.
