Author's Note: Life has been kicking me in the butt! I haven't had time to update my stories but I promise to all my Liztopians and True Believers that I will. I will work on my last chapter ofDetectives , and get to updating on Black Widows. Also, I have a short chapter of this story that I'll put up soon. Be on the lookout!
Rogue Leader and the Red Button
"Hello, Hello! I'm at a place called Vertigo!" The gang belted out the U2 song Vertigo as they were driving to Texas. The drive there was, in lack of better terms, interesting: scaring fast-food employees by pulling up the drive-thru in their Start Trooper costume, urinating on electrical fences (Shawn nearly electrocuted his privates) and passing by beautiful women in their convertibles.
There were two certain women that caught Carlton Lassiter's eye. A young Hispanic girl and a young Caucasian girl. They smiled at Carlton and the boy smiled back. Suddenly, Spencer Reid pushed him aside, holding a sign that said: "FLASH IF YOU LIKE WOOKIES." The two girls looked at each other and smiled. Then the Hispanic girl began to pull her top up, slowly. Carlton and Spencer watched in anticipation, hoping that she might go through with it. Instead, the girl gave him the fingers and she and her friend drove off laughing. Reid and Carlton looked at each other and shrugged.
"Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time!" Burton Guster debated.
Elle Greenaway shook her head. "In the history of Cinema?"
"Yeah, he was Han Solo, Indiana Jones…"
"Declan in Blade Runner," Elle finished.
"Exactly and he's still awesome. He's never done a bad movie."
"What about 40 Days and 40 Nights?" Shawn Spencer imputed.
"What's that?" Gus asked.
"I rest my case." Shawn smiled.
The night before they were going to meet Rogue Leader, the gang decided to play "Would You Rather?" and Derek Morgan had an intriguing question for Dr. Reid.
"Okay, this question is for Pretty Boy, here." Derek announced.
Everyone laughed lightly, Reid groaned in dread.
Derek thought about his question: "Um…would you rather make sweet love to a Wookie, or to an Ewok?" Everybody started chuckling.
"I'm not answering that," Reid objected. "This is clearly a trap."
"What? Just answer it." Emily Prentiss said.
"Such a punk, man." Shawn added.
"No, that's atrocious. Ask someone else." Reid begged.
"It's a question," Carlton reasoned. "It's not like, uh…you know." He looked to his friends for his answer.
"It's a game, Reid." Juliet O'Hara finished.
"Yeah, what Jules said."
"Yeah, answer it." Elle coaxed.
"Absolutely not." Reid was adamant.
"Oh, come on!" Shawn and Gus groaned.
"Spence, it's a simple question," JJ Jareau added. "Wookie or Ewok?"
"No! I'm not answering."
"Fine, fine. Forget it, Reid." Derek assured him. There was a slight, awkward pause. Then Derek added: "We all know that you'd pick a Wookie anyway. You like them tall, dark and hairy."
Emily and Shawn started laughing while the rest just smiled.
"No! I didn't–No, don't put words in my mouth!" Reid squeaked. He then sighed, "Fine. Okay, if I'm gonna answer, I would've said Ewok."
The van erupted in hysterical laughter.
"Nasty!" Shawn shouted.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!" Carlton added.
Reid threw his hands up. "See what I mean?"
JJ threw an Ewok pillow at the young man, Elle and Juliet started gagging and Emily and Gus were containing their laughter.
"Dude, you rather get gangbanged by a tribe of fluffy Ewoks than have sex with one Wookie?" Derek asked.
"I never said–You never said 'gangbang,' Morgan!" Reid said, angrily. "You said who would I rather have sex…"
"I implied." Derek smiled.
"God, I hate you guys!" Reid pouted. "I hate you guys. You guys suck!"
Juliet and Emily came over to hug Reid. "Aww, you know you love us, Pretty Boy!" Emily cooed.
"Ewok Celebration, guys?" JJ smiled.
They all huddled together. "One, Two, Three, Fanboys! Chaka, chaka cha cha chi cha…"
They continued their celebration all night.
CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS
The gang arrived at Austin in an Internet Coffee Shop called Java The Hutt. It was around 10:45 a.m. They got out of the car stretching their bones, looking very tired.
"Man, I never thought it be so hot in November," Gus complained.
"It's Texas, Gus. What do you expect?" Juliet said.
"Well, let's hope Rogue Leader's still here," Emily said.
"Oh, she'll be here." Reid assured, coming out of the van.
He was dressed in black slacks, a white and purple paisley shirt and a brown jacket. His hair was slicked back and he wasn't wearing his glasses. So Reid was squinting a lot. Everyone looked at Reid and started laughing.
"Alright, Spence. Give her a taste of that 'White Chocolate.'" JJ teased.
"How do I look?" Reid asked.
"Like you just stepped out of a 70s porno movie." Shawn replied.
Derek snickered, "Oh man, did you raid your dad's closet or something?"
"Yeah. But it won't matter to Rogue Leader, right?"
"That's right, Reid." Juliet assured. "She's going to love you for who you are."
"No, she won't." Shawn and Derek objected.
Reid ignored their comments and turned to Carlton. "Toid me," He said.
"You're ready?" Carlton said. He popped an Altoid in Reid's mouth.
"Thanks."
"Nice."
Carlton patted Reid's shoulder as the young man went inside to meet his lover. The rest of the gang started snickering and cheering.
"Go get her." Gus commended.
This was it. The moment to rival all moments. Spencer Reid had never felt so cool and confident. He strutted to in the coffee shop with a pep in his step, a smirk on his face. Reid spotted a figure with long, blonde hair. Now, Reid didn't put on his glasses and he was extremely nearsighted. So the blonde figure was just a blur. He waved hello until he realized that the blonde figure was actually a male. Reid nearly shrieked in terror. Thankfully, he didn't notice his friends outside humping the windows. The gang was getting busy when suddenly Emily stopped smacking Derek's butt.
"Yo Mama, why'd you stop?" Derek asked.
"Look where Reid's going to." Emily said.
Derek looked at the window and saw Rogue Leader. She wasn't a man…but she wasn't a woman either. The rest of the gang must've saw it as well because they've stopped humping.
"Rogue Leader, I presume?" Reid asked a lady across from him, completely ignoring his friends.
"Red Six?" Rogue Leader asked.
"Just let me put my glasses on for a sec–Reid put on his glasses to take a better look at Rogue Leader–"WHAT THE HELL?!"
Smiling at Reid was a young preteen girl in with curly, red hair and glasses. She had on a Sailor Moon T-Shirt. Reid was still in shock.
"But-but you're just a kid," He stammered. "You're only 12."
"I'm 10." Rogue Leader corrected.
"You're 10?!"
"Yes."
Reid was literally lost for words. It wasn't until the guys came into the picture that he started to form his words. Juliet, Carlton, JJ and Derek came to Reid's side
"Oh my God," JJ squealed. "Spence, are you okay?"
"I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!" Reid shouted.
"Apparently not," Carlton muttered.
"I'm a pedophile!" Reid kept screaming.
Juliet put her hand on Reid's mouth. "Shut up, Reid!" She shushed. "We're in Texas. They have guns for God's Sakes!"
"Let's get out of here," Derek suggested. He turned to Rogue Leader. "Could you excuse us for a moment, sweetheart?"
They exited the coffee shop taking a hysterical Spencer Reid with them, who kept screaming: "I'm a pedophile! We must leave the state at once! We must leave the state at once!" Once they got outside, Derek, Shawn and Gus started laughing hysterically.
"Oh my God!" Gus laughed.
"That was hilarious!" Shawn added. "I gotta admit I didn't see that coming."
"Me neither," Derek said. "Dr. Reid rocking the cradle."
"Shut up, Derek." Emily sneered. She turned to Reid, who was hyperventilating. "We traveled 2,000 miles, Reid," She said. "2,000 for what? So you can get freaky with Strawberry Shortcake?!"
"It-it wasn't really sex, it was cybersex." Reid said.
"Okay, everyone relax," JJ reassured. "We'll just put our thinking caps on and come up with a new plan."
But Carlton lived in reality. "Guys, Elle and I have to be at work by Monday," He announced. "I didn't tell you guys this but Uncle Leroy gave me the whole company."
"Are you serious?" Juliet asked, incredulously.
"Yep, it's all his," Elle confirmed.
No one really said anything. Reid gave a thumbs up to Carlton.
"Thanks, Reid."
Derek wasn't really amused. "My uncle gave me the company and I have to be at work by Monday," he mocked. "Ooh, look at me. I'm a bigshot." He turned to the others. "What's the new gameplan?"
JJ started to answer when Carlton cut her off. "There is no new gameplan!" He emphasized. "We need to cut our losses and get out of here. Okay, Elle and I have to go back to work, Shawn and Juliet have to go back to planning a wedding and you have go back to your mother's garage."
Derek looked like his head was going to explode. He bit into his side view mirror to contain his anger.
"It's my Fortress of Solitude, Carlton," He gritted his teeth.
"It's a garage, Derek."
"Say it again, Lassiter!"
"It's a garage, Morgan!"
Morgan charged up to Carlton, looking for a fight. And Carlton wasn't afraid to give him one. Emily, JJ, Shawn and Elle were trying to break it up. The rest were just watching, helpless of what to do. None of them noticed three adults coming toward them. Except for Reid who was bogged out of his mind.
"Guys!" He tried to call his friends. But they were too busy trying to start a riot.
"I'm coming at you, holding my scholong!" Derek shouted.
"Well, bring it!" Carlton challenged.
"Okay guys, break it up!" JJ stopped.
"Hey, children!"
The gang turned around to see two women, one blonde the other brunette and a tall, husky man. Reid, Gus, Shawn and Juliet were nearly psyched out of their minds.
"Oh my God," Shawn breathed. "It's Benson, Stabler and Vick."
"Who?" Carlton asked.
"Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler and Karen Vick are like the ultimate Fanboys," Gus explained. "Their newsletter 'Ain't It Cool News' is every geek's fanpage."
"You guys are like my idols," Juliet squealed.
"Well, thank you." Olivia said.
"Which one of you is Reid?" Karen asked.
Reid stepped forward. "Spencer Reid actually. It's nice to meet you."
But as Reid reached forward to shake Karen's hand, the woman stepped aside and before anyone knew it, Elliot flipped Reid to the ground. Nearly shocked, they all rushed to help Reid but Olivia and Karen stepped in the way.
"Back off if you don't want the same beating!" Olivia warned.
Elliot dragged Reid off the ground and banged him hard on the side of Derek's van. Then he kept slapping him hard.
"What's going on, JJ?" Elle asked, utterly terrified.
"Elliot Stabler is kicking Spencer Reid's ass!" JJ replied.
Elliot stopped slapping Reid just in time for Karen to storm right beside him.
"Now you listen to me, you perv," She seethed. "If you ever email my daughter again, I will have my brother and his girlfriend hunt you down like a T-1000."
"And I'm a Texas Ranger," Elliot added.
Carlton thought it was time to intervene. "Look, it was all a misunderstanding…" But Carlton couldn't finish his sentence because Karen punched him in the stomach and put him in a headlock.
"You will release my friends," Derek said, using a Jedi Mind trick. Olivia punched him in the knee.
"Okay, we're going to Skywalker Ranch and Angelica there said she could give us the floorplans," JJ explained. "We were going to break in and steal Episode I, that's it!"
"Really?" Karen scoffed.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard since Schumacher put nips on Batman," Elliot said.
"It wasn't that stupid," Olivia said.
"You just say that because it was George Clooney and Val Kilmer."
Elliot punched Reid harder in his scrotum while Karen's headlock grew tighter.
"Anybody else got any stupid comments?" Karen challenged
"These aren't the droids you're looking for," Shawn said, coming towards them. Olivia saw him and jumped at him. "Hey, hey."
"It does sound stupid, I know." JJ said. "But very true, we've been planning this trip since we were like six."
"Karen, Elliot, Olivia, listen," Emily offered. "Help us out and we'll give you all exclusive spoilers, details and everything. Honest to God."
Karen, Elliot and Olivia looked at each other for a long time, as if they were having a mental conversation with each other. Then after three long minutes, Karen let go of Carlton and she motioned Elliot to let go of Reid. Carlton was gasping for air and Reid slumped to the ground.
"That sounds like an interesting offer," Olivia observed.
"It does," Karen agreed. She turned to Emily. "Episode V was directed by who?"
"Irving Kershner." Emily answered.
"That was just a warm-up. Liv?"
Olivia turned to Shawn. "Giggles, who did Jabba the Hutt send to collect Han Solo's debt in Episode IV?"
"That's easy, Greedo." Shawn replied.
"Huh, I actually thought he wouldn't get it." Elliot just shrugged, then he turned to Juliet.
"Blondie #1, who was Luke's childhood friend that fought with him in the Rebellion?"
"Biggs Darklighter," Juliet said.
Karen nodded before turning to Gus and Derek. Derek looked stoic. Gus, on the other hand, was freaked out of his mind. "Where did Han take the Millennium Falcon for repairs in Episode V?"
"Please, Cloud City." Gus smiled. Karen started to say something else but Derek cut her off, "And Cloud City is located in the Bespin System."
"Alright, then. Your turn, Elliot."
Elliot turned to JJ and Elle. "You, Senorita and Blondie #2, in Episode VI when Leia shoots down two Storm Troopers, why didn't she just take one of the speeder bikes instead of walking?"
"If you pay close attention, the speeders were destroyed," JJ answered.
"Oh, and Luke mentioned it later on in the dialogue." Elle added.
"Interesting," Elliot said. "We weren't worried about you, though."
He then came over to Reid, who was lying flat on the concrete. Motioning Olivia to come over, Elliot grabbed Reid by the collar and forced him up. Olivia came over on the other side of him.
"Okay, Cradlerocker," She said. "What was Luke's call sign during the Rebel Assault on the Death Star in Episode IV?"
"Red 5," Reid croaked.
Olivia nodded at Elliot then he dropped Reid.
"They seem to have passed, sis." Elliot told Karen.
"That may be, but you are all as strong as your weakest link." Karen came over to Carlton. "Hello, Weakest Link."
"Huh?" Carlton looked confused and afraid.
"What is the name of Chewbacca's home planet?"
Everybody looked at Carlton in anticipation and anxiousness. Juliet's mouth gaped, Emily's heart stopped, Shawn and Derek tried to "use the Force" to help Carlton, Gus tried sign language, Elle was mouthing the words but JJ stopped her. Everyone was on edge. Carlton was dumbfounded.
"But that wasn't mentioned in the movies," He said. "That's not fair."
"Life never is," Karen said.
"I know! I know!" Reid volunteered. Elliot kicked him in the ribs to shut him up.
"Do you give up?" Karen challenged.
Realistically, Carlton knew the answer. But if he said it would mean validating the fact that he was going along with this plan. If he didn't, his friends would be Texas meat.
"Come on, Carlton." JJ coaxed. "Just say it."
Sighing in resignation, Carlton gave his answer: "Kashyyyk. Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk." JJ, Elle and Juliet gave Carlton a hug while Shawn and Gus gave each other fist bumps. Derek and Emily cheered happily and Reid gave a thumbs up.
Karen patted Carlton on the shoulder. "Not bad, Hun. Not bad." After picking Reid up off the ground, Karen, Elliot and Olivia gathered the gang together.
"Okay, we're going to help you," Karen said. "You're going to meet our friend in Las Vegas. He's going to give you everything you need. Codes, floor plans, everything."
"How do we know it's him?" Juliet asked.
"Oh, don't worry," Olivia assured. "You'll know. The word is 'scruffy nerfhearder.'"
"Scruffy Nerfhearder," JJ smiled.
"Okay, guys. Good luck." Karen said.
She and her friends turned to leave. As Elliot followed, he eyed the design on Derek's van. "Nice detailing." He complemented.
"Well, we're going to Vegas, guys." Emily said.
CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS
The ride to Vegas was silent. No one wanted to say anything to Derek because he was still pissed at Carlton for the things he said. His driving more than showed it. He was doing 85 on a 55 speed limit. Not even Emily reprimanded him. Finally, Carlton broke the silence.
"Hey, Derek. Do you mind slowing down a bit?" He asked.
"Sorry, I don't speak jag-off." Derek said.
"You know, I thought it'd be nice to go to Vegas in one piece. We're not drag racers, okay."
"Carlton, you should really stop talking for your own good," Emily warned.
"Why are you defending him?"
"I'm not! I think that both of you should shut up."
Carlton was about to retort when he was interrupted by the sounds of a police siren. Everyone groaned in exasperation.
"Great, we got Imperial Bacon, people." Derek announced.
Then JJ remembered something very bad. "Um, guys? Probably not the best time to tell you this," She revealed. "But there's a big bag of peyote in the back of the van."
"WHAT?" Everybody exclaimed.
"You got drugs, Jenny?!" Shawn added.
"Chief Rossi gave it to me," JJ explained. "He told me that I needed it."
"Derek, you need to pull over." Juliet pleaded.
"We can't pull over with a big-ass bag of peyote with us," Reid argued.
"Reid's right, Morgan. Don't pull over." Gus said.
"No, pull over." Carlton said.
This is the New Mexico Police. You are exceeding the known speed limit. Pull Over Now!
"Do as he says, Morgan." Carlton said.
"Don't do as he says," Gus said.
"Really, Gus? You're gonna contradict the police?" Shawn said.
"I'm not going to jail over JJ's bag of weed, Shawn."
"It's peyote!" JJ exclaimed.
"Whatever, its still drugs."
"Just pull over, Derek." Elle suggested.
But Derek Morgan had a different view in mind.
"SUCK MY EXHAUST, PORK RIND!" He shouted as he increased his speed on his van. He swerved to the left then to the right to throw the police's trail off.
"Talk to me, chica." Derek asked Elle.
Elle looked behind her and saw the cops. "Talk to you? He's back!" She exclaimed.
"Can you drive faster?" Shawn asked.
"This is as fast as she can go," Derek said.
"Oh, God!" Reid cried.
The cops were catching up with Derek and everyone was panicking.
"Derek, move this piece of shit!" Carlton shouted.
"Look, Lassiter. You don't get to call my van a piece of shit!"
"Well, what should I call it?"
Derek was about to retaliate when JJ grabbed his attention.
"Derek, you gotta break Rule #2." She said.
Derek had a serious look on his face. Then he decided to break his important rule.
"Chewie, prepare the jump for lightspeed."
"Alright," JJ cheered. She turned a key that opened the glass-encased red button. After opening the case JJ waited for Derek's signal.
"Carlton, what's with the red button?" Elle asked in a panic.
"How should I know?" He replied. "Someone wanna tell me what the goddamn red button's for?!"
"It's lightspeed, kid." Derek answered.
"Lightspeed, really?"
"Trust me, we're going to get out of here."
"We better, Derek Morgan." Emily said. "Because the police are ganging up on us."
Derek turned around to see the police cars ganging up on them.
"JJ, punch it!"
"AHHH!"
JJ punched the red button hard…and nothing happened.
Derek looked at the button in disbelief. "What?!"
"Why aren't we going hyperspace fast?" Shawn asked.
"I don't know, I put a whole tank of nitrous in this thing." Derek reasoned.
"Yeah, Morgan. Lightspeed is awesome." Carlton said sarcastically.
"Derek, just do something!" Reid panicked.
Derek ignored everybody and was completely frustrated. So frustrated, he banged his head on the steering wheel. And before anybody knew it, the van was going 100 miles per minute.
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Everybody screamed.
"YEAH, I KNEW IT! IT WORKS!" Derek cheered.
"WE KNOW NEVER TO UNDERSTIMATE YOU AGAIN, DEREK!" Carlton shouted.
The Policemen couldn't fathom on why the van went from 85 to 115 in less than 60 seconds. The vehicle was speeding out of control.
"Should we pursue?" The first policeman asked.
"No, let them run out of juice," His partner said.
The van kept going at impeccable speed until it smashed into a police billboard. The two policemen got out of the car and noticed the billboard cut out in the shape of Darth Vader with the words: "JOIN THE FORCE."
"Huh, very ironic." The first policeman said.
They noticed someone coming out of the smoke and immediately took out their guns. Derek Morgan staggered out of the van and made his way out of the billboard and noticed the two policemen with their guns pointed at him.
"Freeze!" The 1st policeman said.
"Don't Move!" The 2nd one said.
Derek smiled. "Officers! Is there a problem?"
Next Chapter: The Fanboys end up in jail…Guess who bails them out! Elle makes a confession and Carlton is at a crossroads. Guess someone needs to find their Death Star!
