"I'm just here for my brother... And I ain't going fucking anywhere till he gets back..." Mandy barked at Lip after his latest over-dramatic exhale obviously aimed at making the young Milkovich uncomfortable. She raised her head slightly from where it had been resting in her hands, her elbows propped up on the kitchen table. She tilted her head and gave Lip a glare that challenged him to argue.
Before Lip could respond though, the front door flung open and Mickey charged through the living room and into the kitchen. Mandy jumped up and into her brothers arms, she clung on and nestled her head into his neck. Ian entered the kitchen a few moments later, leaning against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest and his eyes fixed on the hugging Milkovich's in front of him, a small smile tugging at his lips. Lip returned the milk to the fridge and turned to face his brother, resting one arm on the counter separating the kitchen, the other hand on his hip. "He OK?" He asked, voice dripping with fake concern and unsubtle sarcasm.
"Fuck you." Ian replied, eyes not looking away from Mickey and Mandy, who were still clinging to each other, swaying slightly from side to side. Their was no anger in Ian's words though because he was more focused on the sight before him than on his brother. He laughed to himself because he knew the hug was lasting too long for Mickey, knew the once affectionate swaying was now more Mickey trying to end the contact and Mandy refusing to let go. He couldn't blame his best friend, if Ian had his way the two of them would still be back in that alley they had all but collided into, a tangled mess of limbs on the dusty floor. He too had been loathed to let the older boy go, just to have to share him with the world again.
"Nice..." The older Gallagher responded, "Fi went to get some stuff for dinner, hope you didn't work up to big an appetite..." He quipped before brushing past his younger brother, slinking into the living room and throwing himself onto the couch.
"Is Mickey back?" Carl screamed from upstairs.
"Yeah!" Ian shouted back, still not looking away from the boy he loved, who had now managed to push Mandy back far enough that he could look at her. The two were silent but it looked like a whole conversation was passing between their eyes.
Carl hurtled down the stairs into the kitchen and flung himself into the chair Mandy had just gotten out of. "Kill anyone?" He asked Mickey, smile on his face and eyes pleading for details.
Mickey broke eye contact with his sister, looked down at the sociopath beside him and huffed out a laugh. "No," he said calmly, "Got a good few hits in though."
Carl's eyes lit up and Ian could see the questions forming a queue in his brothers mind. But he could also see the questions in Mandy's eyes and her need was greater, so he pushed himself off of the door frame and marched to his brothers side. He pulled him out of the chair and said "Living room... Now." The smile on his face told Carl that he wasn't in trouble and the two made their way to join Lip in front of the TV.
"We'll finish this later..." Liam said as he turned to face Mickey again, gesturing a finger between them, his tone turning the statement into an, almost desperate, question.
Mickey turned and smirked at the future brawler. "Sure, whatever kid," he exhaled before dropping his smile and turning back to his sister.
"Oh yeaaah." Carl smiled as he jumped onto the sofa next to Lip, making sure to bounce as much as possible and generally annoy his oldest brother. Smirking wider when Lip took the bait and swung to smack him softly around the back of the head. Ian shook his head as he lowered himself in the seat next to them and turned to face whatever shitty program Lip was watching.
"Smoke?" Mickey asked his sister, eyebrows raised and face lowered to find her eyes that were still staring at the floor. She closed her eyes and nodded her head gently, turning on her heal and making her way out of the back door. She sat on the top step leading up to the Gallagher house and drew her knees to her chest, resting her head on them as she slowly turned to face where Mickey had now sat beside her.
"How much do you know?" She asked softly as Mickey took out two cigarettes from his pocket, putting both to his lips, lighting them then passing one to her.
Mickey exhaled smoke, furrowing his brow as he reached to put the lighter back into his pocket. "Not fucking enough and too fucking much..." He said with a small laugh, he turned to face his sister, raising his eyebrows as he tried to soften his, naturally stern features.
Mandy huffed out a laugh at the reminder of a previous conversation where the tables had been turned. She didn't know what to say though, didn't know what she could say because all she wanted to do was ask him what had happened, what would happen next, but she was scared of both answers and she knew her brother wanted to talk about this first, so she just took a long drag of her cigarette and looked back to the floor.
"He doesn't fucking remember..." Mickey said, half to fill the silence and half to urge his sister to talk to him, not knowing how to start this conversation but refusing to let any more go unsaid.
"Figures," she choked back, laughing a dry laugh and bunching up into herself. "He was always too fucking drunk to stand, yet alone remember any fucking thing the next day..."
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked honestly, trying to keep calm with the rage still in his veins every time he thought about why they were having this conversation.
"Why didn't you tell me you were gay and fucking my best friend?" She retorted without missing a breath.
"Not the same thing." Mickey said sternly, nudging his sister in an attempt to draw her gaze to him.
Mandy exhaled and she looked into her brothers eyes. "I know," she replied sincerely. Because it wasn't the same, Mickey kept a secret that he thought would cost him his life if anyone found out. Why did Mandy keep her secret? Was she ashamed? Did she not know if anyone would believe her, if anyone would care? Maybe she was loyal to her father in some depraved way. Mandy had thought of a whole bunch of reasons she could use, fear, manipulation, regret, pity. But all of these things seemed so stupid now, so untrue, utterly ridiculous as she looked into her brothers deep eyes and saw nothing but warmth and loyalty, trust and caring, all of it directed straight at her. She smiled a small, apologetic smile and said, "I dunno, I guess I didn't know what would happen if you guys knew, I didn't want anything to change... I didn't want our family to change because it's the only fucking thing we got, fucked up as it is, it's ours... ya know... mine... I didn't have anything else..." She was all but sobbing now, clinging onto herself like if she let go the world would drain away around her. "But then everything changed anyway... And they weren't gonna fucking stop..." She closed her eyes, tears fell and her head dropped back to her knees as she remembered her brothers attacking Mickey, hating him so resolutely.
"We're all alright..." He interrupted fiercely yet desperately. He wanted to tell her it was OK, it would all be fine, from now on nothing would hurt her, but he didn't know any of that, he couldn't make promises he didn't know if he could keep. So he told her what he did know, what he knew she needed to know. "He fought back, hit us all a bout a-fucking-bit. Just bruises though, nothing that won't heal..." He turned her face to look into her eyes. "We did what we had to do and now dad's fucking gone... We're all alright and we're all still here... You don't lose any of that... None of that fucking changes." He had to drill the point home, had to make sure she understood.
Mandy stared into her brothers eyes and knew he was telling the truth. She was relieved that he didn't hate her, that none of them hated her, or blamed her, none of them would give up on her now she needed them all so fucking much. "And you? You still got our fucking brothers? Any of that changed for you?" She asked because it wasn't just about her anymore.
Mickey dropped his gaze and laughed a joyless laugh. He ran his hands through his hair and bit his lip as he turned back to Mandy. "I've had fucking years to deal with this shit - with what the hell I am... Can't expect them to deal with it any fucking quicker." He tried to sound convinced, sincere, OK. He tried to hide his disappointment, keep the pain out of his voice. Mickey smiled at Mandy and tried to reassure her of this latest lie - that everything was fine and as it should be.
He wasn't sure if she believed him or if she just knew that he wanted her to because if Mandy didn't believe her brother then she didn't let it show. She smiled a small smile of her own then leaned into her brothers shoulder and exhaled a drawn out breath. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax as she listened to Mickey explain exactly what had happened with their piece of shit father.
"So can we expect any visits from other pissed off, grudge holding, Milkovich's?" Lip asked over the television, not looking at Ian, in fact not changing his position at all.
"Really wanna have this fucking conversation again Lip?" Ian replied without so much as a glance at his brother.
"No!" Carl shouted from his place between them. He turned to Lip. "Please... No more..." He exclaimed dramatically, running his hands down his cheeks as he stood and marched up the stairs, huffing with every step.
Ian followed his younger brother with his eyes, a small smile playing at his lips, proud that his brother had addressed Lip and not him, effectively telling the oldest Gallagher boy to shut the hell up already. He looked over to Lip, who was now returning his gaze, and tilted his head, Ian raised his eyebrows, daring the older boy to continue with that line of questioning.
Lip swung his feet off of the sofa and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward and looked into Ian's eyes. "Promise me you know what you're fucking doing!" He all but shouted.
Ian didn't miss a single beat before replying with absolute confidence, "I do," he said calmly, assuredly. "Never been more sure of anything."
The two stared into each others eyes for a few moments before Lip visibly relaxed. "O-fucking-K," he returned, he lifted his legs back onto the couch and returned his eyes to watch the television.
"OK?" Ian asked, daring to hope that Lip would drop the attitude towards him now.
"OK." Lip said again, an acceptance behind his voice that had Ian smiling from ear to ear.
The two had relaxed into an easy silence when Mickey and Mandy re-entered the house. Ian immediately rose from his seat and met the two in the kitchen with an inquisitive expression plastered on his face.
"Everything's fine." Mickey said, knowing he didn't need to expand, not when Gallagher could read him like an open book anyway. Ian nodded once and walked over to rest a reassuring hand on Mandy's shoulder.
Before he had a chance to raise his arm though Mandy turned and punched him square in the chest. "Next time I'm driving myself fucking crazy with worry, waiting in your goddamn house, surrounded by your fucking judgmental family..." She sneered, "You come straight fucking back and put me out of my damn misery..." She exclaimed, raising her hand again. "You do not fucking stop for a quickie in a stinking fucking alleyway!" She shouted.
Ian raised his hands placatingly, he turned to see Mickey smirk and shake his head. "Alright, alright." He laughed out as an impatient Mandy moved to hit him again.
"Fucking good... So what happens now? I take it Mick's told you every-fucking-thing already?"
Ian just nodded as he leaned back against the counter dividing the kitchen. Mickey had explained everything on the walk from the alley back to the house, he had tried to hammer home the threat Terry had addressed to him before he left, but Ian wasn't worried. Like Mickey, he knew that Terry wouldn't be reckless enough to risk prison, not whilst he still believed in all of Mickey's threats, and Terry knew his son better than to doubt him, knew how far he'd go to protect his own. Ian smiled to himself when he realised, once again, that he was Mickey's own.
"You're not staying at home, got someplace to go?" Mickey responded immediately, forcefully. Now leaning against the back door with his arms crossed, Mickey was talking to Mandy but seemed unable to look away from Ian, his face carrying emotions Mandy knew all too well from the Milkovich family.
Realising what was about to go down between the dysfunctional pair stood either side of her, Mandy quickly replied with a "Yep," and a smile. She looked between the two boys who had now stopped trying to look away and were now staring straight at each other, without so much as a blink between them. "Ummm I'm gonna just... yeah... we'll talk later..." She said as she pointed to the living room and quickly let her feet follow the direction of her finger.
Fiona walked in through the front door just as Mandy walked in from the kitchen. "Yeah, I wouldn't go in there for a while." She said to the oldest Gallagher when she made to brush passed her.
Fiona snorted and continued to walk towards where the two boys were being eerily quiet, probably still staring, waiting for the other to make a move.
"I would listen to her Fi, the way Ian was studying the god damn door the whole time Mickey and Mandy were out there, he was obviously waiting for some kind of conversation. Knowing Mickey, and knowing what he just found out today... It ain't a conversation I wanna be part of I'll tell ya that." Lip said lightly, with no malice or judgement in his voice.
Fiona turned to look at her brother with furrowed brows, she was about to respond when they heard the first words spoken and she realised that Lip and Mandy may have a point.
"How fucking long?" Mickey asked, not moving anything but his lips.
"Too long to have a good excuse why I didn't tell you..." Ian replied honestly.
"Well you got five fucking seconds to think of one!" The older boy shouted, still not altering his position.
But Ian didn't have an excuse, not one Mickey would accept, not one he'd understand. And Ian knew he was in the wrong here, knew that if anyone had known something like that about his sisters, or his brothers for that matter, and not told him... He would kill them, he would hate them for not letting him protect his family. But that didn't change the fact that Ian had his reasons, they were selfish and they were unfair on the Milkovich boy, but they were his only reasons, unfortunately he stayed lost in his thoughts for a moment too long for Mickey and before he could voice them the older boy was shouting again.
"Nothing?" He bellowed, pushing himself away from the door. He could see Fiona in the living room, could see her trying to discreetly watch him, he knew that this wasn't gonna help with getting her on side, her or Lip. But in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. "She's my fucking sister Gallagher!"
"We back to that now?" He shouted back. In the wrong or not Ian was just as stubborn as Mickey, and dealing with the Milkovich boy for the last three years had taught him to be just as quick on the defensive.
"You really wanna turn this a-fucking-round? Make this shit about me... my fucking issues? Really?" Mickey yelled incredulously, thrusting an arm up and waving it toward the red-head in front of him.
"No..." Ian sighed out, pushing himself away from the counter and running his hands down his face. "Look... I know I should have said something..."
"Yeah, ya fucking think?" Mickey was leaning forward on the table now, eyes fierce and tone demanding.
"I just... She seemed fucking fine, alright? She seemed OK... hell she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal..."
"Not a big deal?" The dark haired boy yelled loud enough to make the three people in the next room jump in unison. "Are you fucking shitting me?"
"No... no... I didn't fucking mean... Look she had me, she had fucking Lip... She didn't stay at your dads anymore... I thought it was fucking handled!" He protested back, mind scrambling for an explanation that his mouth seemed unable to deliver.
"Nothing was fucking handled Gallagher, you shoulda fucking told ME!" He accentuated the 'me' by thrusting away from the table and taking a step forward. Fire still burning in his eyes.
"What so you could fucking handle it?" Ian retorted snidely, without missing a beat. "So you could go after Terry, fucking kill him or get killed in the process? Jail or fucking death, that you handling it?"
"That what fucking happened today?" Mickey didn't miss a beat either.
"Mick... I didn't..."
"No!" The Milkovich interrupted, "That what this was fucking about? Keeping me where you wanted me... Fuck Mandy as long as you had your god damn fuck buddy to play with?"
"Fuck you..." Now Ian was genuinely angry. Screw blame, that was unfair. "Cause I had you exactly where I fucking wanted you, hiding in the back of a god damn store room... pretending I didn't exist outside of fucking on a god damn roof!"
"Yeah I'm the asshole, I know... Stupid fucking me for not wanting my homophobic god damn family to find out... Turned out so fucking well when they did!" He waved his hands in the air as he spoke but the sarcasm in his voice barely masked the hurt behind the words.
"Mickey..."
"She's my fucking sister Ian!" Mickey didn't let Ian finish the sentence because he couldn't hear anymore of their past. He knew Ian could use how Mickey had acted as a weapon and he didn't want to hear it because he knew how true it was. He knew he was an asshole back then, knew Ian should have given up a long time ago, knew Ian deserved so much better so much more. But Ian didn't give up and Mickey was really trying to give him what he couldn't then, be the more that Ian deserved. But this wasn't about them, this was about Mandy. "Fucked for life, right? I ain't your fucking brother Ian, I'm no damn genius. I don't wanna join the fucking army and fight for my god damn country... I'm her fucking brother, that's what I am... What I've always fucking been. The only thing I've ever been fucking good at my entire god damn life and it was my fucking job to make sure shit like that didn't ever happen to her. Except, turns out I couldn't even do that..." He ran his hands through his hair and drew his bottom lip into his mouth. "You fucking knew, for how long? And you didn't say a god damn thing, didn't let me make it right. You knew how much I would've wanted to know that shit, knew how fucking important it would be and you still said bloody nothing because why... Because you didn't want me to do something stupid...? So what your fucking telling me is, she had to deal with that shit alone because I couldn't be damn well trusted to help her without fucking screwing things up more?"
Mickey had to move from sight of the living room, had to get out of Fiona's eye line He didn't want her to see how this made him feel, that this made him feel. Ian had seen so much of his feelings now that Mickey didn't even think about hiding them from him. Didn't ever want to. Feelings, he had always been taught and so truly believed, made him weak but now, with Ian, he honestly thought feelings actually made him strong. Ian seeing the whole him and still wanting to stick around... how could that make him weak when it filled him with such courage, such fulfillment Ian got to see this side of him because he got to see this side of Ian, and when he saw emotion on the red haired boys face he didn't see weakness, he saw his life in those eyes. Those fucking eyes that Mickey couldn't help but stare into, never wanted to not be able to stare into. Ian would always get to see his emotions now because Mickey always wanted to be able to see Ian's, but Fiona... Lip... even Mandy to an extent... they couldn't see him like this. So he took a step to the side and turned to face the wall. For the first time breaking eye contact with Ian, he held the back of his neck with his hands and turned his face to the ceiling and just breathed, tears threatening to sting at his eyes.
"You think I don't know how selfish it was?" Ian spoke softly now, eyes filling with moisture as he leaned forward on the spot, poking himself in the stomach as he leaned toward Mickey. "You think I don't know how fucking selfish I was?"
Mickey just exhaled again and turned to face his Gallagher, hands still gripping onto the back of his own neck.
"I fucking know. And I feel like shit... Mickey I know I let you down, let Mandy down... All because I didn't wanna lose you again. You were still in juvie when I found out and honestly, I didn't know if you'd even see me if I tried. Then you came out and I had you again..." He closed his eyes and scrubbed them with his fingers. "I know how selfish it is Mick, I know how pathetic I sound right now... Believe me... I know," he scoffed the last bit. Ian didn't want to admit just how easy it had been to not tell Mickey, he had managed to forget their was anything to tell him after a while, because he got so lost in having his Milkovich back that the rest of the world got shut out. He hadn't done it to hurt the older boy, hell Mickey was right he should have said something because he knew how important Mickey took his family. But at the time that didn't even cross his mind because he was so wrapped up in falling for the boy that he forgot all outside distractions. And the guilt he felt for thinking of Mandy as a distraction twisted his stomach, but it didn't compare to the feeling of Mickey. The feeling of Mickey by his side, the fear of him being snapped away again. The loss he was so scared of, the ache he got every time Mickey was away from him, that longing to just have him back. So yeah, Ian knew how stupid he had let himself be, but he also knew deep down that he didn't regret it. How could he when Mickey was stood in front of him now, albeit angry, he was stood in front of him and everything was right. He knew now and he hadn't done anything reckless or stupid, and he was back by Ian's side. And while the younger boy was still feeling the guilt heavy on his shoulders, he was also washed down by relief, by the beautiful site of Mickey stood in front of him. His Mickey, his, angry, hot tempered, bad mouthed, worse mannered, heavy handed, god damn gorgeous, forever loyal and fiercely devoted, Milkovich.
"The problem wasn't that you'd failed Mandy, Mick... The problem was that I knew you wouldn't fail her... And I didn't know how to let you go, not again. So I kept my mouth shut. Convinced myself that it was for the best... Cause not only did I get to keep you but so did she and she was safer with you around... It was no fucking coincidence you were in juvie when this fucking happened Mick." Ian knew how patronizing that must have sounded but he stared into Mickey's eyes, those deep blue orbs that were now solely focused on him. He tried with everything he was to show Mickey just how sincere he was being, that he wasn't just saying what he thought Mickey needed to hear but that he knew every god damn word to be true. "I should have trusted you then to not do anything stupid... but honestly, I was too fucking scared to..."
"You didn't trust me?" Mickey's voice was calm now, quiet, for Ian's ears only. His hands arms were now hanging loosely by his waist and his body was turned to Ian.
The younger boy didn't say a word, just bit his bottom lip and hesitantly shook his head, so gently that Mickey almost missed it.
The older boy closed his eyes as he breathed a deep breathe, he opened them as he exhaled and asked, "You trusted me today?"
"Yes." Ian replied quickly, honestly, assuredly.
The two just stared at each other, gauging the others reactions, before Ian spoke again. "I trust you with my life Mick."
And there was no lie in what Ian had said, Mickey knew that from the younger boys face, from his eyes, from his tone. He knew that from the last couple of months, what they'd been through, what had been said and done. And then it hit him like a tonne of bricks, he realised he wasn't angry. He'd been angry pretty much all day but for the last few minutes, without him even realising it, all the anger had gone and this had stopped being about anything else and it had become about him and Ian again. Like every fucking thing always did. Mickey rolled his eyes at that thought but he knew it was a good thing, knew that as long as it was about the two of them then it would be OK, they would both make sure it was OK. He smiled a small small as he shook his head from side to side. "And I trust you with my sisters." He all but whispered.
That was all it took, that was all he had to say to make Ian charge forward and throw himself at the older boy. Their lips crashed together as Ian's arms wrapped themselves around Mickey, one settling on his hip, the other hand in his hair. Mickey's hands clutched at Gallagher's neck and head with a force that should have been painful but Ian made no attempt to wriggle free of the hold. Both boys seemed to be trying to envelop the other, smiling into each others mouths as the kiss turned almost playful and light. Mickey shoved at Ian's shoulder when the younger boy tried to tickle his waist and the two laughed into the kiss both boys readjusted their holds. Like always with these two the kiss almost immediately turned passionate and intense again, each boy clawing at the other, craving the feel of flesh.
The pair stayed wrapped up in each other for as long as they could before realising where they were, but, as always, when they reluctantly pulled away it didn't seem like the contact had lasted nearly long enough. Ian sighed and Mickey grunted as the two leaned their foreheads together. The older boy was just about to make a sarcastic, and probably highly inappropriate, comment when they heard a frustrated voice from the living room. "Can I get in there and get the dinner on already? Debbie and Liam are gonna be back soon." Fiona didn't wait for permission before she walked into the kitchen and dropped the shopping bags onto the counter top, Lip was right behind her with another bag. Fiona said that they had things they needed to discuss, motioning to Mickey when she caught Ian's confused reaction. Mandy was stood in the doorway with a smirk when she told Fiona to join the fucking queue and soon Carl was charging back down the stairs asking if Mickey was ready to continue their talk yet. Mickey smiled an exhausted smile and shook his head, still resting against Ian's as the two refused to break eye contact, "Jesus fucking Christ," he muttered.
Ian snorted and pushed Mickey around the table slowly, grabbing his arm as he opened the back door and dragged Mickey outside, shouting back to the inhabitants of the Gallagher house that they would have to wait because right now Mickey was all his and he needed a fucking smoke. When he had shut the door behind them though, he didn't move to take out his cigarettes instead he turned to Mickey asked softly, "Roof?" The red-head knew that Mickey needed space from everything that was going on in the house, from the judgement and the family that wasn't his. And as much as Ian liked having Mickey living in his house, with the people he loves, he also liked it when it was just the two of them and privacy wasn't something you got in the Gallagher abode. He missed having Mickey to himself so yeah, fuck it, all the talks that the two should be having with various different members of both families, they could fucking wait.
"Roof." Mickey confirmed, raising his eyebrows and thrusting his tongue into the corner of his mouth, a smirk already playing on his lips. And the two set off down the street, racing and battling, as if they had not a care in the fucking world. Because all that guilt Ian had felt had been washed away the instant he saw Mickey relax, smirk, smile, the instant he saw him forgive. An then he'd said it, words more important to Mickey than any other he'd ever utter. Because as silly as it sounds, you can't choose who you love but you can choose who you let in, who you trust. Ian knew Mickey trusted him, he wouldn't let him in otherwise, but to say those words... After everything that happened today... to hear Mickey say that he still trusted him with one of the most important things in his life, something much more important than his own life... Ian loved Mickey and Mickey loved Ian and in that moment both knew that the trust hadn't been broken, they knew that they had found their new normal and that it was perfect, because it was all encompassing, it was beautiful, it was effortless, unconditional and it was forever.
