Angels May Laugh, And So May You
Let's see…More Disclaimers coming up. I do not own Devil May Cry, Monkey Island, FFVIII, IX, X or Star Ocean 2.They are owned by LucasArts, Squaresoft, Capcom, and tri-Ace…or was it Enix?
Well, I might have to up the Rating to R due to Dante's "insult".
CHAPTER 7: ¡Estoy el fuego activado!! (I'm on Fire!!)
Dante wakes up from his encounter with the grenade launcher.
"Ow…Alastor, you're mean!" Dante whined.
"Ohh….did that hurt lil' Dante Wante?" Alastor replied.
"Uhh…"
"Well, suck it up and drive on."
"But I…"
"Do you want another lesson in Electrotherapy?"
Dante thought about this question. A second after he was clutching his head, from thinking too hard. He then came to the decision…
"I wanna be a pirate!"
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight, smacks Dante, and walks off.
Dante is confused by this situation.
"What the hell was that??" He asks Alastor.
"You can't say that cause George Lucas used it in Monkey Island 4." Alastor responds.
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight again, this time he's carrying a sword.
"Come on! I challenge you to Insult Sword fighting! If you beat me, you can say lines from MI without facing a lawsuit! If I win, I SUE!!!!" he says, holding up the sword.
Dante enjoyed sword fights, no matter how messed up they were.
"I accept your challenge!" Dante says with a goofy smile, and holding up Alastor.
It goes in this order…
Guybrush: "Today, by myself, TWELVE men I've beaten."
Dante: "What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?!"
Guybrush: "You gotta insult me!"
Dante: "Uhh, okay. Ahem…. 'You dumb, stench filled, malformed, pus-filled maggot. I'll tear out your eyes and pop them, you sick, twisted, mucus- filled rhinoceros pizzle! I've fought fat-eating, gurgling, brain dead people that were harder than you, you sheep shagging Hillbilly!"
Guybrush: (lowers his fencing arm) "Uhh…okay then…I guess you won that round."
Dante: (chops off Guybrush's left arm)
Guybrush: "Ow!!" (Continues fencing) "Uh, your turn.
Dante: "Didn't I already go?"
Guybrush: "No, you see, I have to say a phrase, and you have to insult me with an answer."
Dante: "Okay, here I go. Hey look!"(points at Guybrush)
Guybrush: "I know, it's a three-headed monkey."
Dante: "No, it's you, you spaghetti-slurping, lizard puke guzzling, pile of pig droppings!"
Guybrush: "Damn, I guess I lost again."
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's fencing arm.)
Guybrush: "F**K!" (Continues fencing with the sword in his teeth) "Knock it off!"
Dante: "Bite me, you scum-sucking, slug-eating sea dog!"
Guybrush: "Crap…I lost a third time."
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's legs.)
Guybrush: "OW! DAMMIT!! Uh, you win…?"
Dante: (throws his sword into the air) "Who's the man?!"
Dante's rants of Victory drown out Guybrush's girlish screams as the sword comes back down stabs him in the shoulder. Dante hears Guybrush, as he is being dragged off, give off one final shout.
"You may have won the battle, Dante Sparda, but you have not yet won the Insult War!"
"Shaddap." Dante said in reply. "so Alastor, where to?"
"Umm, where'd you learn to insult? Get into a fight with your dad?" Alastor asked.
"Actually I watched 'Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy" a lot."
"Ah…that doesn't make sense."
Then again, neither does this scene. Anyway, after the sword fight with Guybrush Threepwood, Dante continues on. He finds a jammed lever, after numerous pulls it doesn't budge. Suddenly, a certain FF8 black-clothed anti- socialist walks over and tries to help. For no apparent reason, a sign that says 'PUSH [SQUARE] REPEATEDLY' pops up.
"What the hell…?" Dante said.
"Whatever." says Squall.
After trying to pull the lever for 2 minutes, they give up. Pissed, Dante takes out the Grenade Launcher and blows Squall into bite sized chunks. This also moves the lever, magically. The chain machine behind him drops a lot of chain.
"Hey, Alastor, here's a question. WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON!?!"
"It's part of the game, Dumbass. Now climb down the hole."
After climbing down the hole, Dante found a Trident. He then wandered around the castle aimlessly until he found the place where you put the Trident. He got the blue fragment, and used the Trident. The gate opened and he stepped outside. Dante looked around.
"Why is the sun still out?!" Dante shouted.
"That's a damn good question." Alastor responded.
Dante continues to follow the path. As he walks into a wide-open area, he hears the "Jaws" Theme. He also sees a vine-looking thing moving through the ground. He steps on it, and the Blade gives a really loud yelp, and pops out of the ground.
"Hey!" it shouted. "Watch where you're steppin', Demon Boy!"
Dante then forced it to eat a bullet.
"EAT THE DAMN BULLET!!" Dante shouts.
"Gah!" The Blade starts choking when Dante succeeds. After 15 seconds of choking, it manages to spit the bullet out, and is ricocheting all over the place. "Damn, you're crazy!"
It buries itself back into the ground, and an even BIGGER Blade leaps out.
"Uhh, shit?" Alastor said.
After a moment of glaring at each other, Dante speaks.
"Hi, there. I'm Dante Sparda, and I have come to stop the Demon King Mundus from opening a demonic gate to this world. How are you?"
The bullet from the smaller Blade hits the huge on, right between the eyes. It proceeds to fall over, dead as a doornail.
But not after its Stinger Launcher pierces him in the chest.
Dante looks down , and notices the little, more-painful-than-hell dart in his chest.
Alastor sighs, "Aw, crap." And puts on some ear guards.
Dante Breathes in and…
In Star Ocean 2, Ashton, Rena, Precis, and Claude are whooping Indalecio's can, when
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
The Sorcery Globe comes undone, and topples onto Indalecio. Ashton goes, "What the hell was THAT?!"
In Final Fantasy IX, Zidane is carrying Dagger up the stairs to escape Alexandria, and….
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
Zidane drops Dagger, and covers his ears. Dagger, however, suffers many bruises as she rolls down the huge flights of stairs..
In Final Fantasy X, Sin approaches Cid's Airship, and Tidus, Rikku, and Yuna prepare to fight.
Cue scream in 5……4……3……2……1……
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
Not only does Sin crash into Cid's Machina Airship, but they both crash into Bevelle, completely destroying it. However, the…girl, who was recently promoted to Commander or whatever, escaped hours earlier. (Work with me FFX Fans, I haven't played the game in months.)
Dante pulls the thing out and stops screaming.
"Hey, it stopped hurting." Dante said.
"Hey, no SHIT Sherlock!" Alastor said taking her ear guards off. "Did you make any OTHER Great Discoveries?"
"No, that's about it."
"Christ, can we just continue?!"
Dante continues on to a huge floating platform, with a flaming gauntlet in the middle.
Dante looks at the hovering height of the platform.
"How the hell am I supposed to reach that?!" Dante asked.
"Umm, try flying Superman." Alastor said sarcastically.
Dante makes a pathetic attempt to fly by flapping his arms.
"This isn't working Ally." He said.
"Oh, I got it, Devil Man," Alastor said. "how about if you don't get your sorry ass up there within 5 seconds, I'll zap you every 5 second intervals. You've already wasted 2 seconds."
"But Ally—!"
Ker-Friggin'-Zap!
Dante is now jumping platform to platform like mad. 31 seconds (and 6 zaps later) he's at the top, and he grabs the gauntlets. Which talk to him.
"I AM IFRIT! THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE, AND YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF FOR LITTLE TO NO REASON, SO NOW YOU MUST FEEL MY HELLFIREY WRATH OF HELLFIRE, SO SAYETH THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE!"
"Damn, how many times can you say hellfire?" Dante asked.
"At most 40 per sentence." Ifrit said "Now, BURN!!"
Ifrit attaches himself to Dante, and turns his oven to 550 degrees. Dante, totally unaware of the blazing inferno that is his hands, just looks around bored. 30 seconds later, after the end of the inferno….
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT IT OUT!!!!!!…………Oh I put it out. Cool."
"So, Iffy, honey…It's been a while." Alastor said.
"How long…?" Ifrit said to Alastor.
"2 Days…"
"Ooh, I can't believe I survived that long without you."
"Oh, honey…"
"My baby…"
"My cupcake…"
"My Rose…"
Dante interrupts. "Uh, guys, I hate to be rude, but, A) We have a mission to do, and B) How do you guys plan to 'do it'?"
There is a long period of silence…
"Ifrit, I'm tired. Would you?" Alastor said.
"Gladly." Was Ifrit's response.
Ifrit cranked the heat up to 875 degrees. Although Dante's red suit was fireproof, he was not. Well, he was, kinda. His skin and hair didn't burn, but they were on fire, and he could feel it."
"YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!!! THE PAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN!!!!!"
Dante started screaming things in Spanish, like…
"¡El cabello está el fuego activado! ¡Póngalo fuera! ¡Tómeme! ¡Pero reserva el cabello hermoso!"
("My hair is on fire! Put it out! Take me! But spare my beautiful hair!")
and…
"¡Ack! ¡Los ojos! ¡Soy cegado por el Inferno Furioso!"
("Ack! My eyes!! I am blinded by the Raging Inferno!")
As soon as the flame was out, he noticed he was back in the courtyard….and he was looking right at a huge, freakin', bird.
Hey, a whole chapter and he didn't even take a single med! Be impressed! More to come, soon…if I can figure out what happens next…
Let's see…More Disclaimers coming up. I do not own Devil May Cry, Monkey Island, FFVIII, IX, X or Star Ocean 2.They are owned by LucasArts, Squaresoft, Capcom, and tri-Ace…or was it Enix?
Well, I might have to up the Rating to R due to Dante's "insult".
CHAPTER 7: ¡Estoy el fuego activado!! (I'm on Fire!!)
Dante wakes up from his encounter with the grenade launcher.
"Ow…Alastor, you're mean!" Dante whined.
"Ohh….did that hurt lil' Dante Wante?" Alastor replied.
"Uhh…"
"Well, suck it up and drive on."
"But I…"
"Do you want another lesson in Electrotherapy?"
Dante thought about this question. A second after he was clutching his head, from thinking too hard. He then came to the decision…
"I wanna be a pirate!"
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight, smacks Dante, and walks off.
Dante is confused by this situation.
"What the hell was that??" He asks Alastor.
"You can't say that cause George Lucas used it in Monkey Island 4." Alastor responds.
Guybrush Threepwood steps into sight again, this time he's carrying a sword.
"Come on! I challenge you to Insult Sword fighting! If you beat me, you can say lines from MI without facing a lawsuit! If I win, I SUE!!!!" he says, holding up the sword.
Dante enjoyed sword fights, no matter how messed up they were.
"I accept your challenge!" Dante says with a goofy smile, and holding up Alastor.
It goes in this order…
Guybrush: "Today, by myself, TWELVE men I've beaten."
Dante: "What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?!"
Guybrush: "You gotta insult me!"
Dante: "Uhh, okay. Ahem…. 'You dumb, stench filled, malformed, pus-filled maggot. I'll tear out your eyes and pop them, you sick, twisted, mucus- filled rhinoceros pizzle! I've fought fat-eating, gurgling, brain dead people that were harder than you, you sheep shagging Hillbilly!"
Guybrush: (lowers his fencing arm) "Uhh…okay then…I guess you won that round."
Dante: (chops off Guybrush's left arm)
Guybrush: "Ow!!" (Continues fencing) "Uh, your turn.
Dante: "Didn't I already go?"
Guybrush: "No, you see, I have to say a phrase, and you have to insult me with an answer."
Dante: "Okay, here I go. Hey look!"(points at Guybrush)
Guybrush: "I know, it's a three-headed monkey."
Dante: "No, it's you, you spaghetti-slurping, lizard puke guzzling, pile of pig droppings!"
Guybrush: "Damn, I guess I lost again."
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's fencing arm.)
Guybrush: "F**K!" (Continues fencing with the sword in his teeth) "Knock it off!"
Dante: "Bite me, you scum-sucking, slug-eating sea dog!"
Guybrush: "Crap…I lost a third time."
Dante: (cuts off Guybrush's legs.)
Guybrush: "OW! DAMMIT!! Uh, you win…?"
Dante: (throws his sword into the air) "Who's the man?!"
Dante's rants of Victory drown out Guybrush's girlish screams as the sword comes back down stabs him in the shoulder. Dante hears Guybrush, as he is being dragged off, give off one final shout.
"You may have won the battle, Dante Sparda, but you have not yet won the Insult War!"
"Shaddap." Dante said in reply. "so Alastor, where to?"
"Umm, where'd you learn to insult? Get into a fight with your dad?" Alastor asked.
"Actually I watched 'Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy" a lot."
"Ah…that doesn't make sense."
Then again, neither does this scene. Anyway, after the sword fight with Guybrush Threepwood, Dante continues on. He finds a jammed lever, after numerous pulls it doesn't budge. Suddenly, a certain FF8 black-clothed anti- socialist walks over and tries to help. For no apparent reason, a sign that says 'PUSH [SQUARE] REPEATEDLY' pops up.
"What the hell…?" Dante said.
"Whatever." says Squall.
After trying to pull the lever for 2 minutes, they give up. Pissed, Dante takes out the Grenade Launcher and blows Squall into bite sized chunks. This also moves the lever, magically. The chain machine behind him drops a lot of chain.
"Hey, Alastor, here's a question. WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON!?!"
"It's part of the game, Dumbass. Now climb down the hole."
After climbing down the hole, Dante found a Trident. He then wandered around the castle aimlessly until he found the place where you put the Trident. He got the blue fragment, and used the Trident. The gate opened and he stepped outside. Dante looked around.
"Why is the sun still out?!" Dante shouted.
"That's a damn good question." Alastor responded.
Dante continues to follow the path. As he walks into a wide-open area, he hears the "Jaws" Theme. He also sees a vine-looking thing moving through the ground. He steps on it, and the Blade gives a really loud yelp, and pops out of the ground.
"Hey!" it shouted. "Watch where you're steppin', Demon Boy!"
Dante then forced it to eat a bullet.
"EAT THE DAMN BULLET!!" Dante shouts.
"Gah!" The Blade starts choking when Dante succeeds. After 15 seconds of choking, it manages to spit the bullet out, and is ricocheting all over the place. "Damn, you're crazy!"
It buries itself back into the ground, and an even BIGGER Blade leaps out.
"Uhh, shit?" Alastor said.
After a moment of glaring at each other, Dante speaks.
"Hi, there. I'm Dante Sparda, and I have come to stop the Demon King Mundus from opening a demonic gate to this world. How are you?"
The bullet from the smaller Blade hits the huge on, right between the eyes. It proceeds to fall over, dead as a doornail.
But not after its Stinger Launcher pierces him in the chest.
Dante looks down , and notices the little, more-painful-than-hell dart in his chest.
Alastor sighs, "Aw, crap." And puts on some ear guards.
Dante Breathes in and…
In Star Ocean 2, Ashton, Rena, Precis, and Claude are whooping Indalecio's can, when
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
The Sorcery Globe comes undone, and topples onto Indalecio. Ashton goes, "What the hell was THAT?!"
In Final Fantasy IX, Zidane is carrying Dagger up the stairs to escape Alexandria, and….
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
Zidane drops Dagger, and covers his ears. Dagger, however, suffers many bruises as she rolls down the huge flights of stairs..
In Final Fantasy X, Sin approaches Cid's Airship, and Tidus, Rikku, and Yuna prepare to fight.
Cue scream in 5……4……3……2……1……
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
Not only does Sin crash into Cid's Machina Airship, but they both crash into Bevelle, completely destroying it. However, the…girl, who was recently promoted to Commander or whatever, escaped hours earlier. (Work with me FFX Fans, I haven't played the game in months.)
Dante pulls the thing out and stops screaming.
"Hey, it stopped hurting." Dante said.
"Hey, no SHIT Sherlock!" Alastor said taking her ear guards off. "Did you make any OTHER Great Discoveries?"
"No, that's about it."
"Christ, can we just continue?!"
Dante continues on to a huge floating platform, with a flaming gauntlet in the middle.
Dante looks at the hovering height of the platform.
"How the hell am I supposed to reach that?!" Dante asked.
"Umm, try flying Superman." Alastor said sarcastically.
Dante makes a pathetic attempt to fly by flapping his arms.
"This isn't working Ally." He said.
"Oh, I got it, Devil Man," Alastor said. "how about if you don't get your sorry ass up there within 5 seconds, I'll zap you every 5 second intervals. You've already wasted 2 seconds."
"But Ally—!"
Ker-Friggin'-Zap!
Dante is now jumping platform to platform like mad. 31 seconds (and 6 zaps later) he's at the top, and he grabs the gauntlets. Which talk to him.
"I AM IFRIT! THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE, AND YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF FOR LITTLE TO NO REASON, SO NOW YOU MUST FEEL MY HELLFIREY WRATH OF HELLFIRE, SO SAYETH THE HELLFIREY GAUNTLETS OF HELLFIRE!"
"Damn, how many times can you say hellfire?" Dante asked.
"At most 40 per sentence." Ifrit said "Now, BURN!!"
Ifrit attaches himself to Dante, and turns his oven to 550 degrees. Dante, totally unaware of the blazing inferno that is his hands, just looks around bored. 30 seconds later, after the end of the inferno….
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT IT OUT!!!!!!…………Oh I put it out. Cool."
"So, Iffy, honey…It's been a while." Alastor said.
"How long…?" Ifrit said to Alastor.
"2 Days…"
"Ooh, I can't believe I survived that long without you."
"Oh, honey…"
"My baby…"
"My cupcake…"
"My Rose…"
Dante interrupts. "Uh, guys, I hate to be rude, but, A) We have a mission to do, and B) How do you guys plan to 'do it'?"
There is a long period of silence…
"Ifrit, I'm tired. Would you?" Alastor said.
"Gladly." Was Ifrit's response.
Ifrit cranked the heat up to 875 degrees. Although Dante's red suit was fireproof, he was not. Well, he was, kinda. His skin and hair didn't burn, but they were on fire, and he could feel it."
"YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!!! THE PAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN!!!!!"
Dante started screaming things in Spanish, like…
"¡El cabello está el fuego activado! ¡Póngalo fuera! ¡Tómeme! ¡Pero reserva el cabello hermoso!"
("My hair is on fire! Put it out! Take me! But spare my beautiful hair!")
and…
"¡Ack! ¡Los ojos! ¡Soy cegado por el Inferno Furioso!"
("Ack! My eyes!! I am blinded by the Raging Inferno!")
As soon as the flame was out, he noticed he was back in the courtyard….and he was looking right at a huge, freakin', bird.
Hey, a whole chapter and he didn't even take a single med! Be impressed! More to come, soon…if I can figure out what happens next…
