A/N Hello again! It's been ages and I'm so very sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Anyway, I worked really hard on this chapter, and you'll see why. It's pretty emotionally dense.
On my Instagram, I promised my followers I would publish this by the end of the weekend, and I did. If you don't already, please follow me (monkamoo_fanfic) We have a lot of fun on Instagram, and I give chapter updates and previews.
Quick note: Kira can't pronounce the "r" sound. She has a great vocabulary for her age (under two) but she has a speech impediment.
I hope you enjoy!
As beautiful a sight as it was, I would have done anything short of giving my life to keep the sun from rising. If I had the power to stop a new day from coming so soon, I would use it.
Compared to the seemingly endless dark of night, sunrise was a burst of light and color. It is golden, welcoming, and warm, to gently pull people from their dreams. Then, the sky shifts moods, it seems, bathes the sky in rosy tones- all the colors of love, before fading to blue.
As a Federation officer, always on the go, it is a rare gift to witness a sunrise or sunset. But today, even this rare gift couldn't cheer me up. I should be sleeping, preparing for the rough day ahead. But instead, I sit on the sofa, glaring at the sky now filling with fluffy white clouds, belonging to a planet that grew farther and farther away.
"Deanna?" mumbled Will, turning the corner into the living room. "What are you doing awake?"
"It's morning." I defended. "I'm allowed to be awake."
"It's seven in the morning by that planet's standard, but it's two-thirty earth time. You should be asleep. What's wrong?" I didn't answer. He figured it out anyway. "You're worried."
"Of course, I'm worried. You aren't?"
"I am, but I still need to sleep. You should get some sleep, too."
"Great advice." I commented sarcastically. I bit my lip to hold back the other rude things I could say. My behavior didn't seem to bother Will, and he kissed me sweetly.
"Good night," he whispered back, mindful of the baby in the next room. I sighed, then got up off the sofa. Instead of going to bed, I went to the extra room where Kira slept. I stood in the doorway for a while, just listening to her breathe. I slowly gravitated closer and closer to her as if attracted by magnetic force. The celestial lights pouring in from the half-shaded window across the room lit up her precious sleeping face. I perched on the ground in front of her crib and just soaked up every detail. She slept on her side, facing me. Her little head tucked into her shoulder and her little arms rested beside her head. Her long eyelashes fluttered gently. One tiny foot poked out from beneath the blanket. She was so still and perfect, she looked like a porcelain doll.
I didn't want to disturb her, but I needed to hold her, just in case it really was the last time I'd have the chance. I scooped her small body up carefully and held her close to me, rocking her back and forth slowly. As I looked into the sleeping baby's face, I remembered the tune of a lullaby my father sang while I was growing up. I hadn't remembered it in many years, and although I tried, I couldn't remember the words.
I sat slowly in the rocking chair and rocked back and forth. By the time an hour had passed, my legs were tired of rocking. My muscles ached and cramped from sitting for so long, but I didn't dare move. If I moved, I'd have to let go of her. If I let go of her…
I couldn't do that.
Too fast, the arms on the old analog clock on the wall stretched and brought a new hour. Each new hour marking less time. This clock was given to me by my mother when I took my position on the Enterprise. Why would it betray me like this?
The arm approached the ancient roman numeral seven. My comm badge vibrated silently against my chest, supposedly waking me up, if I had bothered to get any rest. I shut it off quickly. That's when I noticed my breathing- or more so the lack thereof. Suddenly gasping for breath, I set Kira down in her crib. Next thing I know, I'm leaning against the shower wall, suffering through a panic attack.
I tell anxious clients of mine exactly what to do. I know the techniques like the back of my hand. It seems so different when it's your own panic. I struggled to remember how to calm myself down. I realized I'd never really had a panic attack before. I felt myself start to lose control of my emotions and resolve. I took off my nightgown, turned on the sonic shower (using up one rare hour with water), and just sobbed, hoping the sonic pulses and pitter-patter of the steaming water would quiet my cries enough that Will might sleep a little longer.
My plan failed. Seconds later, Will stepped silently into the shower with me, rid of his pajamas, and took me into his arms. That's how we stayed, until, wiping my sopping wet curls out of my face, I whispered, "I need to wash up."
"Let me," he said. He stepped out, retrieving my lavender hair soap. He gently and carefully washed my hair. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe calmly. I let the sweet and earthy scent of the lavender wash over me, reminding me of my childhood spent in fields of lavender and bushes weighted down with colorful, fragrant roses and juicy, sweet uttaberries. Will took the magnetic handheld water spout in his hands and washed away the soap from my hair. He turned off the water, handed me my towel, and detangled the ends of my hair with his fingers. I turned around and kissed him softly, expressing my thanks. I felt unable to speak. I had just taken notice of our shared nakedness. This was the closest to intimacy that we've been in many years. I reached out and slipped on my silk robe. I just looked at Will and he shared my thoughts as well, apologetic but also feeling the same pseudo-relief. He placed his towel around his waist and stepped out of the bathroom to get dressed just as Kira started crying out, desperate to escape confinement. Still dressed in just a robe, I went to rescue the toddler from her crib before her cries got louder.
"Good morning, Kira." I murmured as cheerfully as I could muster. Kira didn't need to know the struggle of the hard day we were all about to face.
I sat her down on the floor with a toy- her favorite little giraffe that she'd named 'Leelee'. I picked out a grey wool jumper, a pale yellow long sleeve one-piece to go underneath, and her nice pair of soft gold shoes. I also found a gold ribbon to tie back some of her hair. Dressed up all sweet, that's how Will found her when he brought her morning cup of milk.
"There's our girl." He said, keeping the stress out of his voice carefully. "She looks just like the sun." Kira grinned and ran over to take her milk, drinking greedily.
"What do you say, Kira?"
"Thank you!" She cried. She looked so precious, head tucked down, big green eyes looking up at us, and her little smile showing off her little milk teeth.
"What would you like for breakfast?"
"Eggs please."
"Would you like some fruit?"
"Fwoot please."
"Coming right up!" Will said. "Do you want to push the buttons?"
"Yes yes!" Kira ran out the door to the kitchen, excited for a rare chance to be independent. In my moment of quiet, I slipped away to get dressed.
A few minutes later, dressed and fed and still faking excitement, we climbed onto the turbolift. It dropped us off right outside the doors to the observation lounge, where Doctor Crusher stood with a businesslike woman I'd never seen before.
"Ah, here you are!" acknowledged Beverly, holding out her arm to turn the human woman's attention to us. Her only job here was to introduce us and sit in on the meeting, since she had been Kira's primary doctor. "This is Will Riker and Deanna Troi. Will, Deanna, this is Aiesha Dion, the FPO."
"It's nice to meet you," I said, smiling and shaking her hand. I took the opportunity to probe for her emotions and found she was a natural at keeping them hidden from her features. But being human, she wasn't hard to read. She smiled kindly but had no real joy. She wasn't mean, but she wasn't exceptionally friendly. I'm not sure what I expected from a Family Protection Officer.
"We're sorry we're late." Will was saying, and I fell out of the intense focus it took to connect my mind to another.
"You're not late, we just happened to get here early," Beverly assured us. She seemed very confident, but as I embraced her aura of emotions, I could tell it was just a strong facade. The brief wring of her hands and her feet facing away from the FPO gave it away, too. I looked down at Kira at my feet, briefly envying her oblivion to the tension in the room. That's also when the officer chose to address the last person in the room.
"Hello, Kira." she said with a smile, but there was little emotion behind it.
"Hello!" greeted Kira confidently, with the endless trust of a small child. She looked back at me, smiling, and reached for my hand.
"Shall we begin?" Asked the FPO. She showed us to our seats and began without waiting for a response. "I read the forms that you sent in a while ago. You've known each other for 6 years, correct?"
"Yes," Will confirmed. "We met around 2358, on Betazed." I nodded without turning and facing Officer Dion. I was busy setting Kira up with a cup of uttaberry juice, a container of cheese crackers, Leelee the giraffe, and a toy tribble, thankfully silent.
"That's right, Deanna, you're half betazoid?" Asked Officer Dion. I felt a brief surge of annoyance at her. She knew all the answers to these questions.
"Yes."
"And the two of you are not legally or ritually bound to each other in any tradition, such as in marriage?"
"No."
"You both show interest in having children someday, either your own or adopted in some manner?"
"That's correct." responded Will.
"Good, good. Last question. You both are currently senior Starfleet officers. What are your plans, as for balancing family and your job?"
"We'd both keep working while keeping an intense focus on our family," Will responded without hesitation.
"Absolutely," I continued, "They're both so important to us. Our friends and coworkers here are also our family."
"Well." the officer drawled. "That's a good start for another time."
"Another time?" Will inquired, "What do you mean? What about Kira?"
"We got back the results from her DNA scans. She has two living relatives on Vulcan, her maternal grandparents. It is the finding of this lawful meeting that Kira is not up for adoption. The child in question, Kira Vylk, will be sent to live with her grandparents on Vulcan, effective immediately, since she has no belongings to take care of." The FPO announced formally, while her handheld technology recorded her exact words.
"Immediately?" Will shot up to his feet instantly, fists balled up against the table, knuckles white. "First, you didn't update us that you had found living relatives and then you don't even give us a chance to say goodbye?!" I was taken aback both by his sudden cloud of fury coming off him in waves, and his voice getting gradually fiercer and louder.
His voice shook me from my frozen state. The tears were freely flowing now, and I couldn't make sense of which emotions were mine and which were anybody else's for a moment. Maybe they were all mine. I looked over at Beverly, who seemed just as stunned and upset as I was.
"I'm sorry, commander, that's the regulations. Now, besides the fact that you're two currently working senior Starfleet officers, you would be good candidates to adopt a different child. All you'd have to do is one of you would resign-"
"We're not resigning!" Will interrupted angrily. "We want to adopt Kira! She's our daughter!"
"Dada? Mama?" Kira mumbled. She was so confused and worried and scared. Her emotions and her sweet little voice seemed to cut through the chaos and pause everything for the shortest of seconds. We wouldn't realize until later the magnitude of what she had just said.
"I'm sorry, Commanders. That's all I can do, I don't have a choice. You may say your goodbyes now."
"Kira, sweetheart," I sighed, holding out my arms. She fit right into them without any hesitation. I wanted to keep her there in my lap and never let go. But I couldn't. I let out a sob. "Oh, baby girl."
"Mama-Dee?" She whispered my new title combined with her name for me. She looked up at me with concern, but her eyes reflected the love that we'd spent endless hours sharing with her. Her tiny, dimpled hand reached up to my cheek and attempted to wipe away the tears making paths down my cheeks. One of them landed on her head in the process and she let out a little giggle. It sounded like music.
"I love you." I assured her with one last squeeze and a kiss on her forehead.
"I love you weally much!"
"Go hug Will- Dada." I sniffled, correcting myself.
"Dada-Will." She ran right into his strong, waiting arms. She seemed so tiny, and he, strong enough to break her. But that meant she was safe. I couldn't keep her there. I looked into Will's eyes and saw he was thinking the same thing.
"Kira, I love you. Deanna and I love you, so, so much. You are always welcome here, okay?" he told her. Even he had a few tears in his eyes.
"Okay," she repeated, not really understanding.
"It's time to go." Said the emotionless Officer Dion.
"Wait, please!" cried Kira. She ran over to Beverly, who was still standing beside her chair at the table, one hand covering her mouth in shock. "Docta Cwusha! Hugs?" Beverly nealt down to give her sweet, tiny patient a hug.
"Hugs. I'll miss you, sweet girl. You were my favorite patient."
"You aw my favowite docta." she reassured Beverly seriously. "You the best."
"Thank you, Kira." Beverly gave the tiny girl a high-five, a ritual they'd completed at every appointment.
"Kira, it's time to go." commanded the Family Protection Officer. "Take my hand now." Kira reached for Officer Dion's hand, but turned away and signed the Vulcan salute in our direction.
"Live long and pwospa. Bye-bye."
And then she was gone.
All I could do was stare at the door where our sweet baby had just been and sob, collapsing to the floor.
A/N- *cries*
