I kept changing my mind how to start this chapter. Hence why it's later than I'd have liked. But I'm pretty happy with it now.
Thanks again for all your reviews and support, I really appreciate it!
"Hey Sev? Should I add the powdered urchin before or after the salamander?"
"That depends. How soon were you planning to die? I'd like to know so I can start picking a new roommate". Severus gave him an unimpressed look, glancing up from his homework.
"That's cold man, ice cold. Besides if I weren't here, chances are you'd try and retreat back into that little world of yours. And we can't let that happen now can we". Evan grinned.
As much as Severus wanted to deny it, it was true. Had Evan and Andrew not been there to drag him out of his room, usually by force, there was a good chance he would have spent the entire program there. Old habits die hard and all that. But this wasn't Hogwarts, for some strange reason people seemed to genuinely care about him. Beyond the usual making sure he didn't bleed or starve to death that is, the former usually due to Evan's spectacularly bad aim. Here people cared and Severus was having to adjust to that. It was really quite a novelty for him.
Throughout most of his life, Severus knew he was alone. His mother didn't care much past his early years, his father certainly didn't care. Lily might have cared once but then they had that fight and as for Hogwarts? Well they never cared. At least that's how it looked to Severus.
"It's after. If you add it before, chances are you'll blow yourself up. That or poison half the room if you don't prepare it properly. We all saw what you did with those scorpion tails".
Evan had been prepared to argue his case, to showcase his brilliance. But he couldn't. The thing with the scorpion tails, well let's just say it wasn't his finest moment. "Oh come on, I apologised like a million times. You know I didn't do it on purpose. You believe me, right?" Evan moved behind Severus leaning over him slightly, his arms loosely wrapping around his waist.
Severus had been about to respond, he really had, but the sudden closeness and heat emanating from Evan made it difficult for him to regain his focus. It certainly didn't help when Evan rested his chin on his shoulder, arms still wrapped around his waist. Severus prayed he wasn't blushing. He never had been very good with physical comfort, all too often it turned into some form of abuse. He'd grown to avoid it whenever he could.
"Sure, I believe you". He would have said anything to get Evan to pull away. Even though a part of him didn't really want that. As much as he wanted to deny it, a part of him liked being where he was. It almost made him, dare he say it? It almost made him feel safe and he hadn't felt safe in a long time. A very long time indeed. "Let go will you, it's time for dinner". It was only then that Evan finally let him go. Severus ignored the brief sense of loss; convincing himself he only missed the heat.
"Fine, but you know you like me wrapped around you. I mean, you're too damn skinny. Even with the heating charms I know you get cold all too easily".
Severus desperately fought back a blush, only partially succeeding. At least for the first part. When Evan continued talking, Severus didn't know how to respond. For a brief moment he felt happy, he hadn't felt happy in a long time. But as he expected, his happiness was soon dampened by cold harsh reality. He was a fool for getting his hopes up. The buildings were always cold, at least in cooler months. It was just the way they were designed. And yes he was too skinny; everyone harped on at him about it. When you didn't have enough fat, you felt the cold more easily, Severus knew this. So of course it made sense to share body heat. Evan didn't like him like that, he couldn't. He was just being Evan; he was just being a friend. That was all. He was a fool for thinking it could be anything else.
Evan on the other hand had gotten a little too distracted by the boy in his arms. As cheesy as it sounded, he rather liked having Severus there. He was small enough that Evan could just wrap himself around him. He was weak enough (although Evan certainly wouldn't say so to his face) that Evan felt needed around him, in order to protect him. But of course he knew better that to even hint at that around Severus. He may have been weak physically, but with a wand at hand he could be positively lethal.
The truth was that Evan sort of had a little crush on the raven haired teen. Not that it came as much of a surprise to anyone. The two were closest in age, liked similar things and Evan had a tendency to drape himself over Severus whenever he could get close enough. Hell some of the other guys had started placing bets on when they'd finally confess. Well it was either that or paint lines in sand, or whatever the Japanese did for fun. Evan hadn't exactly immersed himself in Japanese culture, although he was relieved that the whole eating live fish thing was just a rumour. But in the end it didn't matter. He wasn't going to say anything to Severus; he couldn't risk their friendship like that. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to, he really couldn't. He couldn't risk not having him in his life in some form or other. He just…well he needed him. As pathetic as that sounded, he really did.
If only he knew Severus' feelings on the subject. Perhaps he'd have found happiness a lot sooner. They both would have. But then again, men aren't exactly best known for talking about their feelings.
"Alright mother, anything else you want to nag me about?" Had Evan not gotten to know him so well, he might have taken Severus' words at face value. Fortunately, he'd gotten to know him a little better than that. While he might have sounded annoyed, secretly he was rather pleased. For once someone seemed to care about him; it wasn't a familiar feeling but it was a good feeling nonetheless.
"Well now that you mention it-"
Peter didn't know what to do. It had been three days and none of his friends were speaking to each other. On the bright side he was finally getting a bit of attention for himself. But on the downside, they wouldn't leave him alone. Hey he needed private time just like anyone else.
It started with Snape, or to be more accurate, when Snape left. That's when Peter's world was sent down the rabbit hole; hey he could like books too. First it was Sirius storming off, James following in turn. Only James didn't go the same way Sirius left, he even appeared to be glaring at him. It was really quite bizarre. Even more so when Remus just disappeared. Seriously he hadn't seen the prefect since the whole mess started. Well except in class of course, Remus was never one to miss class willingly. But as soon as it was over, poof! He was gone again. Talk about frustrating.
What do you do when your best friends won't even look at each other? If anyone had an answer for him, Peter would have gladly given them anything they wanted. As long as it worked, he just couldn't take it anymore.
Now Peter wasn't quite so foolish to believe that this was Snape's fault. Well not directly at least, how could it be? He'd nicked off, no one knew where he was. That apparently was the problem. He wasn't sure if it was out of guilt, that their pranks had finally driven him away, anger that Severus had escaped their wrath or something else that had made everyone start acting crazy. Well the guilt that would explain Remus' weirdness and the anger would probably explain James'. Although with Snape gone he had Lily all to himself, didn't he? But Sirius, well anger just didn't seem right. Truthfully Peter had almost believed Sirius held feelings other than disdain and hatred for the Slytherin. What with the way he stalked the boy, made him miserable and seemed all too eager to expose his bits to the rest of the school.
Poor simple Peter, he knew that's what they called him. But maybe he wasn't quite as simple as they thought. He saw things few others did. Sirius' obsession was certainly strange; the boy had everything Snape didn't. Friends, love, acceptance. So why the obsession? Well Peter had seen the looks, the ones he'd only ever seen Sirius direct at the pretty girls in their year. He'd noticed him sneaking out late at night, supposedly to shag some bird. Suspiciously absent of any hickeys, lipstick marks or the faint sweetness of perfume that seemed to follow him wherever he went. But he still came back looking the same way, like he'd gotten off. It was only when he had possession of the map that Peter began to piece it together. Sirius went looking for Snape on those nights, their dots were always together. But whether Snape knew he was there, lurking in the library or following him through the halls, Peter couldn't be sure. But Sirius was definitely getting off. That he was sure of.
Of course Severus didn't know this. While he'd noticed the eyes following him wherever he went, he hadn't noticed the same boy trailing him in the dark. Watching him closely, always at a distance. Never close enough to be detected. Had he known, he would have been horrified by his lack of awareness. But he hadn't. He remained oblivious. It was really just as well. It was bad enough he'd started thinking of Snivellus that way, Sirius could only imagine what people would think if they'd learned the truth. The idea that he liked the Slytherin in that way, well he couldn't let it be known. By anyone. So if he had to toss one off in a nearby closet or in the toilets to get it out of his system, he would. There was a reason silencing charms existed after all.
Peter liked to think he was a good person. Maybe not the best, but it wasn't like he was a Slytherin or something. But even he had limits to what he could tolerate. Sirius liking guys, that he had no problem with. Well as long as he didn't start liking him. He was bad enough now; he could only imagine how much worse he could be for someone he actually liked. Not just messed around with, but actually liked. Sirius liking a Slytherin, well that was a problem. But he supposed in time he could eventually get used to it. But Sirius liking Snape? They say everyone has a breaking point and for Peter, he was pretty sure that was it.
"Dear Severus I-" Remus sighed in irritation.
"What can I say to him? He's not gonna write back, there's just no way. Not after what we did, what I did. I just-" Remus sighed once more. Not in irritation, but out of anger and despair.
"Dear Severus. I'm sorry. Is that really all I have to say?" Remus asked himself, his quill held loosely between his fingers.
"After everything I've put him through, everything we've put him through, is it really enough? I'm sorry, I truly am but…it's just not enough". Remus dropped the quill on the parchment. "I just hope you're finally happy. You never were here".
It was true. Severus had never really been happy at Hogwarts. Since the moment James turned against him, all because he was sorted into another house. He probably should have taken it as a sign of things to come. Losing Lily, getting attacked by a werewolf, being humiliated publically on a daily basis, they'd all occurred at Hogwarts. How could such a place make him happy when it held nothing but bad memories for him?
"Severus" Remus began to write again.
Thank you for giving me the chance to send you this message. I know it's more than I deserve. I know you don't care much for social niceties so I'll get straight to the point. I'm a monster, in more ways than one. Aside from my condition, I have treated you in a way that is truly despicable. I've helped hurt you, humiliate you and as I'm sure you remember, I almost killed you. It doesn't matter that it was in control, I'm still the one who was responsible.
I know we'll probably never be friends or anything more, how could we be? But I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. Wherever you are now, I hope you're far happier than you were here at Hogwarts. It's about time you got what you deserved, I don't mean it in a sarcastic way or anything. No matter what anyone says, you're brilliant. In more ways than one. It's about time more people learned that about you.
Remus
P.S. James and Sirius are going mad without you. I think they miss having someone actually stand up to them for once. I wish you could see them, I'm sure you'd love knowing what you've done to them.
'You're a coward' Remus' mind told him.
"I know" he answered back, his tone resigned. "But what am I supposed to say? I've been watching you for Merlin knows how long, I've had a crush on you for years now. I wanted to ask you out but I was too afraid of what my friends would say. He didn't…he doesn't deserve that. He deserves better. He deserves more than me, so much more". Remus fell silent.
It may have been the truth, but as they so often say, the truth really does hurt. Remus knew that better than anyone.
For a brief moment Remus considered it, his quill hovered above the parchment. But before he could write the words, he stopped. Fear is said to be one of the most powerful emotions you can possess, which in this case was very true. For most of his life Remus had hoped to be brave. With the wolf constantly batting for control, it was all too easy for him to let fear overwhelm him. He only wished he could be stronger, braver in fact so he could better protect those he loved. But in this case, he found he couldn't. It should have been easy; there was a chance the letter would never reach Severus. A chance he'd never read it, so what was the harm? But then again, there was a chance he would as well. It was a chance Remus wasn't willing to take. But maybe he didn't have to.
You see Hogwarts itself was a place filled with magic and wonder. Within it, it contained a piece from every single student, the good and the bad. That included Remus. But a little known fact, one very few ever experienced, was that when it felt the need, Hogwarts could harness this magic. Just enough to give people a little nudge in the right direction. Sometimes it was just a little push, giving the one with the crush a chance to talk to their crush. A little clichéd, but people usually fell for the whole damsel in distress routine. But obviously such a thing wouldn't work here. No, this needed a more direct approach.
I just wanted to tell you the truth. I've liked you for a long time, but I didn't think you'd believe me if I told you. I know it's probably too late, but I just thought I should let you know. You're just, you're amazing Severus! Anyone who tells you any different is a idiot…I'm an idiot. I'm sorry.
Remus wasn't actually aware he was writing it, Hogwarts had taken control. Harnessing that little piece of his magic that it possessed, it was enough to move his hand, the one holding the quill that is. It wasn't until the last letter was finished, the quill rolled up and sealed in place, that Hogwarts relinquished that control. Of course the wolf was aware of its presence, how could he not be? But it remained quiet, dormant almost. His human was a coward, of that he was certain; maybe Hogwarts had the right idea about giving him a little push. Besides, he quite liked the Snivellus boy as everyone seemed to call him. He was…tasty. In more ways than one. If his human managed to get him for himself, managed to mate with him even, then maybe he'd be open to letting him have a little taste. Just a nibble.
As far as Remus knew, everything was normal. Unaware of what had been snuck in, he gave a sigh of relief. What he'd wrote, surely it would be accepted. After all, it was honest and straight from the heart. Surely Severus wouldn't take offence to that.
Well what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him…yet.
"James we need to talk".
James almost turned back the way he came. He'd be late to class, more than he already was, but what did that matter? He just couldn't face him, not yet. Unfortunately, it looked like he didn't have a choice.
"Hey! Don't walk away from me!" Sirius grabbed his arm, stumbling slightly as James ripped it from his grasp.
"Not here, in the bathroom". James gestured to the door just up ahead, relieved when Sirius agreed without complaint.
It took a few minutes, both needing to make absolutely sure that no one was around. Nobody could witness this conversation. Nobody.
"What do you want?" James asked, crossing his arms.
"The truth. You want Snape, yes or no? Tell me". Straight to the point, that was Sirius' style.
Having known Sirius for six years, you'd think James would have expected such bluntness. Only he hadn't, strangely it never crossed his mind. He'd had other more important things to worry about.
"I-" James started. He froze as a dark look crossed Sirius' face. "Why do you want to know? Why do you?" Classic Potter manoeuvre, distract the enemy with something else. Only Sirius shouldn't have been his enemy…right?
"Yeah I do".
Wait what? Was he serious?
"Y-you can't!" Probably not the best thing he could have said.
"What d'you mean I can't? I can like whoever the hell I like. Who do you think you are?" Sirius protested.
"But you can't like Snape! He's Snape! Y-you can't just-" James struggled to come up with a response.
"So it's true. You like him too. Oh how the mighty have fallen". Sirius' words broke through James' panic. They were cold and blunt; so unlike how Sirius usually acted, always cheerful and happy. Usually at another's expense.
"Huh? What do you mean?" James was confused.
"What do you think I mean? You have everything and you're still not happy. I'm sorry to have to tell you this mate but you have no chance with Snape. I mean you tortured the guy for years, stole his girl and shoved it in his face. You bullied him every chance you got. What makes you think he could ever fall for someone like you?
It was bad enough hearing the truth thrown back in his face like that. It was worse knowing that the guy who was doing it was supposed to be his friend. His best friend even. So much for bros before hoes.
"At least I didn't try to kill him". Strangely enough Sirius seemed shocked by that. But why? He started it. He was the one to point out his mistakes; he was the one to bring up the past. So why couldn't James do the same?
"I-it wasn't like that. You know it wasn't like that!" Sirius hissed, fists trembling at his sides. It seemed James had touched a nerve.
"Do I? Tell me Padfoot, did you even apologise to him?" Silence was his only response. "I thought not".
As far as James was concerned, he'd won. He'd done a lot of shit to Snape, but at least he hadn't tried to off him. Hell he was the one who saved him. Perhaps he'd bring it up with Snape when he found him. Everyone liked a hero, didn't they? And if he was the hero, didn't that make Sirius the villain? Whoever heard of the villain getting the girl? Or guy as the case may be.
He really should have anticipated the punch. It was Sirius after all, he always was predictable. But like a fool he'd let his guard down. A side effect from being best friends with the same boy he now considered his rival. All those years of friendship had lowered his defences, had made him soft. Now he was paying for it because once the punches started, neither of them could stop.
Maybe friendship wasn't so important after all?
I'd love to know what you think!
Please review!
KB
