Chapter 7

Clary sits awkwardly in Luke's tiny living room. She watches as Alec fawns all over the new recruit, Christopher. 'heh heh, more like Pisstopher. Am I right y'all?' She chuckles, high-fiving herself in approval. She watches as Jordan rocks nervously in the corner, sitting with his knees to his chest, staring longingly at a picture of a moose.

'Don't worry Jordan. It's gonna be alright. We're all here to support you.' Jordan looks up to see Magnus vigorously lubing up a jellyfish while the rest of his friends watch.

"Aw guys. I couldn't ask for better murder victims." There are genuine tears in Jordan's wolf eyes which he wipes away with his wolf paws as he wolfs down a bowl of vitamin D supplement pills. At Clary's questioning gaze he merely squints and giggles sheepishly, "what can I say, I want the D."

Jordan's ears perk up at the sound of Maia's pussywagon pulling into the driveway. "Oh no I can't do this" He yelps, shedding his scuba diving gear in fear.

"Look you have to stand up to her Jordan." Says Clary, giving him the mandatory upper-cut at his crotch for good luck just as the front door swings open and Maia swaggers in.

She was engaged in the act of picking nostril hair out of her armpit hair when she notices the giant "Intervention" poster stuck to the back of Luke's living room. "Bitch what is this?" She asks of Jordan, who after a few encouraging pummels from Clary, steps forward.

His hands shake as he reads the meaningful words he had scrawled onto his trout. "Maia at first I thought you were just a left buttock with a really great interest in Judaism but now I realize you're more than that, dude.

"What are you trying to do?"

"I realize you're more than a left buttock man."

"Why are you wearing my clothes?"

"you're like—" Jordan takes a minute to compose himself. "You're like two left buttocks, yo."

"I literally just came here to get jam."

"And for a long time I kept telling myself that. I said to myself 'Jordan, dawg, homeslice, my wigga. She's two left buttocks bro."

"Preach!" Yells Simon. Everyone nods in response.

"But Maia I can't take the abuse anymore." Beads of sweat roll freely down his furry forehead nipple. "I mean yesterday you made me hold a butterfly in my butt so long when it came out it was just a fly. How'd you do that Maia? How'd you take the butter out of the butterfly?'

"I-I see..."

"Said the blind man."

Jordan prepares to unleash a torrent of poorly developed puns when he is interrupted by a screech of undiluted horror.

They all charge through the front door at once. Clary stabs Luke's wall again for no reason.

"Whos' that little girl over there?" Someone says just as Jace comes into view.

He carries a pouch full of several gnomes and wears an expression of glee as he strolls up the sloped street leading to Luke's house. Several demons follow him; a kind of which the shadow-hunters had never seen.

They are wearing high-waisted denim shorts and comment repeatedly on how they 'read the book before the movie came out.'

Clary hides under the nearest bridge as she is too short to actually be of any use. She makes helpful remarks instead such as "violence" and "I approve". The bridge is pelted with gnomes of varying size and promiscuousness.

In the midst of the battle, while Alec makes hummus furiously, overwhelmed with passion and blood-lust, Falin hallows is struck by the Starbucks cup of an especially angry demon. In a last ditch attempt at survival she lunges at the demon and manages to impale it against the grass of Luke's lawn. The demon sprays thick green venom into her eyes and she falls to the ground in agony.

Their own battles fought, the Shadowhunters and werewolves gather around the fallen warrior. Her brother and Sebastian beatbox together in misery.

"I-I never liked kebabs." Whispers Falin. The somber faces of the shadowhunters show no sign of agreement. "Oh it's almost as if I am an insignificant character who has no real influence over the main plot of the story and is killed off as part of a mediocre writer's ploy to gain sympathy from the audience without harming characters to which she has emotional attachments."

"Don't say that Mandy" says Jordan, shaking his booty.

"Who's Mandy" She says before perishing into perpetual darkness.

The shadowhunters poke her repeatedly to make sure she is really dead and draw penises on her face to double check.

Jace looks on with a sheepish grin, "Too bad huh?" his pouch full of gnomes is poorly concealed in his vagina. "Guess I'll be…um…hitting the sack."

"It's only 3pm" says Clary

"Shut up you pregnant nun. By sack I mean ball-sack and by hitting I mean gently caressing and thinking of Simon."

"swag."