A/N: My midterms ended so here's another fic to celebrate. Bertholdt's so hard to write for, at least for me, because he's so much more reserved and there's not really a lot of insight on his history like we had for Annie or Reiner. Hopefully this is kind of an accurate take on him lol.

My cousin also gave me access to her Netflix account so if I don't update for a while, it's because I've been binge-ing a bunch of TV shows.

Prompt: Nervous

Word Count:1,093


Is it cruel, he wonders, to consider Reiner lucky? Perhaps, but Bertholdt envies his friend for being able to forget his warrior persona and become a new person, one who doesn't remember that they're a trained mass murderer. He knows he shouldn't – it's not like Reiner does it by choice, it's more of an unconscious coping mechanism – but he can't help it. Reiner, when he's aware of his duty as a warrior, always whispers to him of their duty, the honor it is to serve as soldiers, the privilege it is to be one of those chosen to rid the world of this horrid race, and Bertholdt understands that, he really does. But Reiner's dissociate personality allows him to be removed of the guilt that follows after the deaths they've caused and Bertholdt is forced to constantly carry the burden of the deceased.

He's afraid to get close to those around him, scared that he'll consider them a friend and make his mission all the more difficult to carry out. But he's also afraid of keeping his distance, fearful of them being suspicious of his detached behavior, investigate, and then find out the truth about him. So he's reserved but friendly to those that approach. He helps Eren when the he asks for help mastering 3DMG and he assists Connie and Christa in grabbing supplies on the top shelf when they're getting geared up. He doesn't initiate conversation with his fellow trainees – he leaves that to Reiner – but he does answer questions that are directed at him, careful that he doesn't reveal too much about his past prior to the fall of Wall Maria. Despite his precautions, he still believes he's gotten to close to them.

Connie teases him about the beads of perspiration that constantly appear on his forehead. "Was training a little too much for you, Bertholdt?" Connie laughs. "It wasn't that bad. Or maybe you're just nervous about facing the Titans?"

He's nervous about something, certainly, but it's not the Titans. An image of Connie being grabbed mid-air by a Titan flashes through his mind. Terrified screams echo in his mind before ending abruptly when the Titan bites Connie in half, blood spattering everywhere. And all of that would be his fault. But Bertholdt only laughs, a shaky chuckle, and says, "Maybe."

Everyone dies, he tells himself. What difference did it make if he just sped up the process? These people, he reasons, have to die sooner or later. And while he tells himself this repeatedly, none of that makes him feel any better.

He tries to reach out to Annie, hoping to have at least one person to confide in, one that didn't lose themself in order to forget their sins, but she isn't interested in listening to anything he has to say. The first time she dismisses him, telling him that it didn't matter how troubled he was about their mission. She was not going to be his confidante and talking about any of it would compromise the mission if anyone happened to overhear. The second time he tries to talk to her after dinner but she immediately walks past him, disappearing into the girls' barracks where he wouldn't be able to reach her. The third time her eyes gloss over and it's apparent that she's not listening to a word he's saying and he decides that confessing to a brick wall would be more helpful than talking to Annie. Maybe that's how she coped, by isolating herself from everyone. Maybe it would have been wise for him to follow in her footsteps, but he's already acquainted with those in the 104th trainee squad and pulling away from them now would only make them suspicious his odd behavior.

So he keeps it bottled inside of him, all of his guilt and worries and concerns, and copes as best as he can but he knows that his anxiety shows. His smiles are strained, his voice meek and shaky, and his movements tense. He wonders when people will notice it's not nerves from the idea of fighting Titans. He wonders when people will suspect him of being the enemy.

When he knocks down the Wall surrounding District Trost, he's sure he's still in the clear. The soldiers around him are too concerned with surviving, killing Titans, and saving civilians to even give him a second thought. He can't help be feel relieved that he's safe for now, but how much longer can he keep this up?

As he's surveying the area, someone lands next to him. "Bertholdt!" the soldier calls.

Bertholdt turns and sees Marco, a trainee in his trainee squad that managed to end up in the top ten graduates. For some reason, the appearance of his freckled friend calms him if only for a second. After all, Marco is one of the trainees that Bertholdt knows is going to join the Military Police. That's one less person he'll have to kill, he thinks. "Marco!" he says, surprised.

"Are you alright?" Marco asks. He's breathing a little heavily but Bertholdt doesn't doubt that he'll be running back out into the field to defeat more Titans soon. "You were just standing there. Do you need to retreat?"

"Ah, no," Bertholdt says hurriedly, cursing himself inwardly for getting lost in his own thoughts instead of being alert. "I was just on lookout for more Titans."

"Nervous?" Marco asks.

He wipes the back of his hand on his forehead and, unsurprisingly, it comes off covered in sweat. "I suppose I am," Bertholdt says, letting out an anxious laugh.

"Well," Marco says, laying a hand on Bertholdt's shoulder. "Don't be. You're a skilled soldier– top three of our class, wasn't it? – so there's no doubt in my mind that you'll make it out of here alive." He gives Bertholdt a pat on the back and runs off before Bertholdt can say another word.

He knows Marco's words were meant to be comforting, but they only managed to make him feel worse. Was it right for him to be comforted by someone who would consider him the enemy if they really knew who he was? But maybe he'd never have to know. Maybe Marco would die today in Trost and never discover anything about the Titans. Or maybe he'd live obliviously and comfortably behind Wall Sina, working in the Military Police like he always dreamed. For some reason Bertholdt prays for the last outcome, as if it would make everything he's ever done less cruel, before leaving to face the destruction he's brought forth.


A/N: That interaction with Marco is after the fall of Wall Rose at District Trost but before the events at the supply depot. (Is that what it's called? That's so unfashionable.) So, you know, could have kind of happened. A moment of silence for Marco though. It was really nice seeing him again in episode 5 of season 2!

Btw, I wrote another EreAni fic (it's more heavily implied than in the last chapter "Warrior") on my Tumblr but if you guys think I should publish it here, let me know! A link to it will be provided in the last A/N for "Warrior" for those who are interested.

I really do enjoy writing these fics about characters and their relationships to the others just because everyone in SnK has such a nuanced relationship with one another. It's definitely why I enjoy the series so much.

Cheers and see you guys soon!