I dunno, not a fan of this chapter. I'm starting to get lost in my own thoughts when I'm writing this story and I need a way to stay on track...so I'm sorry if this chapter...seems...drabbly and pointless. My friends aren't sure where I should go with this story either...one tells me to make it a pairing and I say "Nooo, too...messy"
I can barely keep my thoughts straight writing this...I dunno, I may just replace this chapter later when I think of something. I'm starting to screech to a halt, and for that...I'm really really sorry.
This chapter could definately be better.
I dedicate it to my wandering mind...
Chapter 6: Does That Make Me Crazy?
"Dally, you better be awake when I get in there," Alice called from outside the door. Dally swore at her and rolled over, hiding his face in the pillow on Alice's bed. It smelled like a flower...
It had been a few days since the drive-in and the day Alice had recieved the letter from her brother and Soda. Alice had become a bit more distant, but she would talk to him sometimes at night. About Soda and her brother, or about things she had seen or places she had been to. She never mentioned Christine or the shooting.
"Okay, now before you accuse me for being on drugs, I want you to promise me you won't tell a single person. Ever, please. Then everyone else will accuse me of being on drugs.
"Alice, we're supposed to be at Christine's-"
"I know, but...this is important too. Please, Connie, it won't take that long."
"Well, alright. But you'd better hurry..." Connie muttered as she shut the door behind her. Dally felt the bed shake as Alice dove onto it. She shook his shoulder and he groaned, looking at her through half lidded eyes. He knew she couldn't see him, or else she wouldn't be that close. Her nose was practically touching his.
"Dally, are you awake? I want you to meet Connie," Alice said, the smell of mint and flowers attacking Dally's senses. Dally's eyes traveled to the short girl standing awkwardly by the door, dressed in black, as she watched her friend with a worried look on her face. He could just not show himself...but...
Alice had a nervous look on her face as if she knew he was considering not cooperating with her. Sure, Dally delighted in making her angry and embarrasing her but it would be a bit too much if he made her look insane in front of her best friend.
Slowly, Dally appeared, his eyes crossing slightly as he looked down at her lips. "You waitin' to kiss me?"
Alice, squeaked and jerked back, and Connie screamed. And swore. And backed up into the door behind her. "You gotta be fuckin' kidding me Alice! I think we're both on drugs!" Connie looked at her friend, shocked. Dally got up and scratched his head, groaning. He was still tired.
"I'm not on display here, you can stop gawking at me," Dally snapped, looking up at Connie. Connie apologized and closed her mouth, still pressed against the door and watching him. Finally, she gathered up her courage and walked over to the bed and sat down next to Alice. Connie's eyes never left him.
At Alice's insistance that her hand wouldn't go through his arm Connie carefully reached out and touched Dallas's arm. She quickly drew back when it didn't go through him. "I think I'd have prefered my hand going through," She said, holding the hand that had touched him. After a few minutes, it seemed to finally sink in. "Oh God..." Connie muttered, standing up from the bed, a hand on her mouth. "So...all of those pictures...he was real?"
"Connie...meet my guardian angel, Dallas."
xxxx
Connie was silent as she and Alice drove to the church. They weren't going to be late, thank God, but if Dally hadn't snapped at them that they had other things to do than stare and ask questions, they would have been. She remembered just letting the questions fly: How old are you? Where are you from? How long have you been an angel? Is that your real hair color? Do you like Chicago?
She smiled a bit as she remembered his answers: 17, Tulsa, I'm not sure, of course it is, no. He had snapped them at her as fast as she had asked the question. She glanced over at Alice as she slowed to a stop at a red light. She remembered playing "chinese fire drill" with Christine, Alice and Linda. Sometimes Andrew would join in, but it had always been the four of them. Connie wondered if Alice was thinking along the same lines: It just won't be the same without Christine...
Connie didn't say a word as they neared the church. She was scared. Would it be open casket? Did Christine look like she normally did? Would you be able to see where she was shot if it was open? Did Christine have a guardian angel? Did her angel try to help or was he told it was her time to go? Do they have rules or a day when the person they're looking over are supposed to die?
Connie felt a bit frustrated by all the questions that she couldn't answer...she wondered again if Alice had thought the same thing. 'Where was Christine's guardian angel when she died?'
Alice held onto Connie's arm after they had stepped out of the car and walked up to the church. "I keep feeling like Christine is gonna walk up with Linda and we'll all be a chain again," Alice said quietly. "That it's someone else's funeral we're going to...someone we barely know."
Connie swallowed the lump forming in her throat. Sometimes Alice seemed so young to her; so clueless...ignorant. But she knew it was like a defense mechanism. She would suddenly become a different Alice. One that understood too much, or one that didn't understand enough. But whichever one she was, she'd be cold. Like a machine. A sensible, cold, unfeeling machine.
Alice walked into the church, cool and blank faced, but Connie was in tears. Not loud, sobbing uncontrolled tears. They were silent and her lip was quivering...she looked like the biggest cry baby in the world compared to Alice right now.
"You know Alice, you scare me sometimes," Connie said with a small smile as they walked up to one of the pews near the front.
"I scare myself sometimes too," Alice whispered.
xxxx
Alice was leaning against Connie as they stood outside. She hated the thought of watching someone put their friend in the ground and knowing they couldn't do anything. Alice and Connie had nearly fainted when they had walked up to see the casket. It was open (Which Alice had seen before) but it didn't look like the Christine they knew.
Her make-up was softer, her blonde hair was still curly, but her clothes weren't the ones that screamed self-confidence and sex appeal. They screamed I'm a polite, mild-mannered young woman who's beautiful...
"I didn't realize how pretty she was," Connie whispered, staring at her. "If it wasn't so serious, I'd take a picture," she said with a tiny smile.
"Yeah..." Alice agreed, before they were urged along. The priest reassured them that they could see her again after everyone else had gotten a chance. "Look at it this way..." Alice said as they walked back to their pew. "That's not our Christine that they're burying...we don't know that girl."
Connie hadn't agreed or disagreed.
Alice sighed and slipped away from the burial, her arms crossed. She didn't want to be there; she had convinced herself that it wasn't their Christine in there, but she had replaced her...with Paul, with her mother, with Soda...after awhile, Alice had to walk away to convince herself that they were being silly and burying an empty casket. She was surprised when it worked...for the moment, Christine was just gone.
"You can't keep lying to yourself like this," A voice piped in her head. "It certainly isn't healthy at all...you're going to forget what is reality and what you made up...you'll be lost forever."
Alice carefully pulled off her shoes when she reached the parking lot, dropped them on the ground by Connie's car and ran home.
xxxx
Dally was lounging on the couch when Alice burst into the house, paler than usual and shaking. She walked over to the couch and Dally sat up a bit, before Alice fell onto him, crying. "I d-dunno what to do D-Dally. I don't e-even know what r-real anymore," she said, sobbing. Dally sat all the way up, sitting indian style and watching her. Alice moved back and sat with her legs tucked underneath her, her hands covering her face, muffling the sobs.
"What do you mean Al?" Dally asked softly. He didn't want to hold her again, he could still remember the last time he had. Alice didn't uncover her face, just shook her head and cried louder. Dally grabbed her wrists and moved her hands away from her face. She didn't look the same when she cried...Alice looked less like a doll when she cried, as if she suddenly came to life or morphed into a living, breathing, emotional girl.
"Alice...what are you going on about now?" Dally asked, keeping her hands away from her face. She sniffled and hung her head, shaking.
"What if I'm not real? What if I'm just dreaming all of this up and when I wake up, I'll be someone else, with a different family and friends? What if I wake up and you aren't there?" She said miserably. Dally's bright eyes met her dark ones. He could read the emotions in her eyes now...she was scared and had the same look of a lost puppy that Johnny once had. Dally shook his head, driving the memory of his friend away.
"It's not gonna happen Alice. I'll be there when you wake up whether you like it or not. Okay? Just cool it," Dally commanded as he let go of her wrists. Alice wiped the tears away from her eyes and off of her face, sniffling patheticly.
"How do you know? What if you're just dreaming too?"
Dally scowled at her and pinched her arm. "Ow!" Alice yelped, holding on to her arm and looking at him, hurt.
"You aren't dreaming Alice...pain is real and you felt it," he said firmly. But he thought about what she had said. 'What if I am just dreaming all of this...' Dally wondered. 'Maybe I never even died.'
Alice lowered her gaze, a thoughtful look on her face as she rubbed her arm. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was a bit red, but she was taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. After a few minutes, she told him what had happened at Christine's funeral.
"I'm scared Dally...for a minute, it was like Christine never existed at all. I erased her from my mind completely...I don't wanna live in someplace in my head that no one else can get to! I don't wanna go crazy!"
"Shut up Alice...I'm not gonna let ya blow up like that," Dally said, his voice calm like nothing had happened. It didn't comfort Alice, she still looked so...real. Dally wasn't used to her looking like she was real. He was used to her looking like some glass doll that was sitting up on a shelf to high to reach. This Alice was a girl that was real, but too far away to talk to. Dally bit back a sigh as he wrapped an arm across her shoulders and pulled her to him.
Alice let out a small sob, the tears falling again as Dally held her close with one arm around her shoulders and the other one on his knee. He winced, the feelings rushing through him again, as she sat on his lap like a frightened six-year old. He remembered feeling something like this before he had died...but it had only been once, but the memory was fuzzy and he couldn't place it.
"Alice? Oh, Alice, are you okay?"
Dally looked over at the door as Connie walked in, closing the door behind her and rushing over to her friend. Alice let her head fall on Dally's shoulder and refused to make eye-contact with Connie. "Do you want me to dance?" Connie asked with a small smile. Alice didn't respond. "Come on Alice, I'll dance just for you and cheer you up. Or, maybe I could make you something to eat. Waffles? I know you love waffles. Eggs! I'll make you my World Famous Crap Eggs, that's what I'll do, and you can watch."
A small smile played at Alice's lips and Dally remained silent as the pain slowly ebbed away and Connie took her hands, telling her some entertaining story of something she and Alice had done at school. He touseled her long hair. "She's not gonna let you go crazy either, kid."
"Nope, and if you do, well, I'll go with you! Every crazy person needs a partner in crime, don't they?" Connie asked, a smile on her face. Alice watched her and slowly slid off of Dallas's lap and off the couch.
"I'm not crazy..." She said softly. Connie's smile disappeared and she looked at Dally, worried.
"I know you aren't. But...I'll still be here for you whether you are or not," Connie said carefully. Alice stared at her for a moment, before silently turning away from her and walking upstairs. Dally was battling with himself; his old personality was starting to come back, and he was telling the new guy who had appeared in his abscence to forget her. He wasn't supposed to give a hang about anyone but himself.
"Poor Alice...she's been like this ever since her dad died..." Connie said sadly, looking at the stairs Alice had disappeared on. "She never had a good relationship with her dad. She always said how he never wanted to go anywhere and how they barely knew each other. She was always surprised when he remembered her name...but when he died...the look on her face was one that looked like she found out the world was about to end.
"I remember her telling me that she started questioning things...like, if her dad was ever really there...if she wasn't just in some movie or on some TV show or something. Alice even told me that, she used to imagine she was in one of those picture books and it was just a story that some bigger person was reading...I told her that she already knew who it was and she looked at me like I was crazy."
Connie paused, looking at Dally to make sure he was listening, which he reassured her he was. "When she asked who it was, I was surprised. I told her it was God and she laughed. She said that if God was real he wouldn't let little girls' fathers rot in holes in the ground...that was when I started to get worried. But you're here to help, right?"
"I'm here to try, I ain't making no guarentees," Dally said, his voice rough again. Connie looked sad, but she stood up from kneeling in front of the couch and walked to the front door. "If you aren't sure what to do, just tell her to call me, no matter what time it is, okay?" Connie said, before walking out of the house and closing the door behind her.
Dally wasn't sure how she knew that he wasn't sure on what he could do, but he didn't dwell on it. He simply turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, trying to block out the new Dallas that was telling him to check on with the noise. He remembered the promise he had made to himself not to care ever again...and he intended on keeping it.
"If God were real he wouldn't let little girls' fathers rot in holes in the ground." Dally could practically hear Alice saying that scornfully to Connie, an angry look on her face. He knew that he wasn't techincally rotting anywhere, but his body was...maybe just him being there had been enough to change Alice's mind about that, but he never noticed her pray in the time he had known her. He was surprised she wasn't at least praying for Paul and Soda.
Then again, neither was he.
xxxx
Dear Paul,
The tension must be awful there. Mom has been working later than usual to bring in the money, because I can't seem to find a job for my life. But really, I've been trying to keep my grades up at school and Mom doesn't want me to have to worry about a job and school too. She refuses to let me drop-out however, but sometimes I wish I could.
I'm smiling right now, mostly because I'm content that my grammar and writing skills are better than your at the moment...but I'm worried too...
You see, I've been hiding something, and Connie just found out today, but that's because I felt I should tell her. She is my best friend after all. I'll tell you when I'm ready of course...and it isn't now, but we'll just stay I'm starting to believe in God again...
Life got pretty exciting a few days ago. I went to the Drive-in with Andrew and my other friends a few nights ago and a boy Ronnie...well...one of the things I've been hiding is the fact that Christine asked me to give some drugs to Ronnie during school that day and I know you must be thinking "Damnit Alice, why are you so stupid?" and I didn't get any pride from or anything, but...I can't really say no to a friend. I didn't get caught, but I got detention for walking in the halls without a pass...
Well, after detention, I talked to Andrew and we decided to go to the Drive-in. Well, Ronnie, drug boy and a couple of friends were there and...well they were pretty drugged up apparently, because they brought guns into the Drive-in and they thought it would be funny to shoot them off.
Panic ensued of course and Christine, Linda and I hid behind a car. I know a few people got shot while we were hiding but I need to pause from that and mention something first.
I met a boy...We'll just call him D in this. He's been really helpful a few times, but sometimes he reminds me of you. The way he teases me and annoys me and it makes me kind of sad. But he's also kind of cold and he's kind of mean looking. I've been trying to get through to him and it hasn't been working to well, but we're kind of alike. I mean, our looks are total opposites, but I can tell he's hiding something and you used to tell me that I had the same look so, that's why we're alike.
Anyway, D found us behind the car and it shocked Linda and Christine, that's for sure. A tough looking boy like that suddenly appearing out of no where. You're probably wondering why I trust this boy, the way I'm describing him, but he's got character to him and when the window of the car was shot, he got all cut up when he stopped the glass from falling on me. So he's a good person really.
He finally convinced Linda and Christine that if we made a run for it while Ronnie was still further down, we would make it. So we ran, but Christine fell behind because she had to run barefoot, because her heels were to high to run in. I dropped back and grabbed her hand and started to drag her a long but...
It was awful Paul, I was there the exact moment she died, and the last thing she saw was a terrified friend screaming as the light left her eyes and she slumped down. D swore at me and pulled me a long and I realize now that if he hadn't I probably would have died too...
Christine's funeral was today and Connie and I went. I saw the others there too of course, but D didn't go. He was waiting for me when I got home though...I left early, I couldn't take it anymore...
He's a good person and I mean it when I say that, I'm not just trying to convince you so you'll get off my back. But he tried his best to comfort me and Connie finally came back and tried her hand at it. It didn't help too much, but I felt like writing to you when I came up to my room...
It must seem like I'm right there as you read this, the way I keep writing how I talk. Jumping all over the place. I hope your kicking some major butt out there, Mom and I are rooting for you and Mom is praying (I've been trying, but it feels so weird...) and I haven't touched a thing in your room...well, I took your record player, but that's it. Don't worry, it still looks the same as when you left it I didn't draw flowers on it or anything. Promise. The record player and I will be waiting for you to get home, a smile on my face and elvis blaring from the record player, just for you.
Love like you can't imagine,
Alice
P.S. Please tell Soda I wish him luck and that Mom is praying for him too and that I'm making an effort to at least try. Also, tell him that I liked his note, I hung it up with his picture and I read it every day. He can be very...what's the word...supportive? No...encouraging! He can be very encouraging. I can't wait until you and him make it back, I'd love to meet him sometime.
I really like writing letters and it sucks because it may be awhile before I get to write another one for awhile so...sad sighs all around.
Alice is supposed to seem a bit scatter-brained. She's very confused and like me, having trouble keeping her thoughts straight...goodness...I dunno what else to say so...screw it.
