As always, I do not own any of these characters. This chapter isn't as long as the others, but it is definitely one of my favorites.
NOTE: MOST OF THIS CHAPTER IS IN CASTLE'S POINT OF VIEW SO DO NOT GET CONFUSED!!
(Beckett's Point of View)
After that long conversation with Lanie she was at Castle's apartment for the second time in the past day. All she could think about was getting him back. But did I really loose him? He was just a writer who needed inspiration… no. Kate refused to believe that. Castle was more. Castle was it and it took her this long to figure it out.
Kate paced back and forth and began to think about last night when she went to his apartment. The night their friendship had taken an immediate shift. It shattered.
She was surprised when the door opened up to find Castle standing there in worn out jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt.
"Kate." He breathed out. "Come in," he added as he gestured her in side.
That's when all the memories from last night flooded through each of their minds.
Flashback (Yesterday - Castle's Point of View)
Ice cream. Had his life really come to this? After finally making the decision to give up shadowing Detective Beckett at the precinct tomorrow, he took his sorrows to the freezer but was interrupted from loud banging from the front door.
Castle quickly ran to the door thinking if he didn't, the person on the other side would end up breaking it down.
"Detective" he said as he opened the door. Didn't expect her tonight, what a surprise he thought.
"Hi Castle! Enjoying screwing with my mind lately? Can I come in?" she didn't wait for a reply and marched as Castle closed the door behind her.
"Are Alexis and Martha here?"
"No…" he approached her carefully while continuing, "They went to see a show tonight."
"Guess it's my lucky day because I don't want them to hear this kitten." She growled.
"Detective what's wrong?" Did something happen to her? Was everything OK at the precinct? Thoughts were going through his mind at a mile a minute.
"Kate. My name is Kate and I know you want to call me that." She came over here just to tell me that? He thought.
"Okay? So then why are you here? I thought we dropped this discussion when I left the precinct earlier today?"
Rick looked into his eyes and first saw anger, but knowing Kate, he knew that she was experiencing sadness.
"You dropped the discussion Castle! I wasn't done. You said GOODBYE! You never say goodbye! I don't want you to leave Castle!" she said as she took him into an embrace.
"Kate" he whispered into her hair.
A muffled sound came out of her mouth when he began to pull back and put his hands on her shoulders.
"You are strong Kate. You are better without me."
She went into a rage at the sound of this and pulled away entirely. She backed up a few paces and wrapped her arms around herself. Castle knew he had to word everything in a way that would allow her to understand, but not break her along the way.
"NO! You don't know what's best for me! After all, I don't let you in right? I'm sorry! I can't loose you" she said as she pulled him back in for another hug.
"It isn't your fault Katie," he murmured into her ear.
If Castle was being honest with himself, he knew that none of this was her fault. What was happening now was just the result of falling for a girl who didn't want to be caught and didn't know how to be caught. Castle always thought that eventually she would see him for what he was, and in time she did, but fear was the enemy.
Fear was pulling them apart. Fear for their work relationship changing, fear for getting to serious, fear for falling too fast, fear to trust, fear for breaking up, fear for falling in love, fear for everything.
"It is though. I'm sorry I don't always let you in. I get what you said about Will now. You knew I let him in but not anymore. I don't feel anything for him anymore. I want to see you everyday at the precinct. I don't want this to end."
"Ssshh… I know you don't. But that doesn't mean anything will change between us Kate."
"But it can now!"
"Kate you're upset. You're hurt you're angry and I can understand that, but it can't happen."
What causes a person to choose the path they are on? What are the underlying reasons beneath decisions and actions? Is it for the well-being of others? Is it an attempt for "normal?" Is it something that allows the other person to get what they deserve?
Or is it self-preservation - the natural instinct to protect yourself physically and emotionally? Was self-preservation the reason why they were here in his apartment at this moment in a goodbye embrace?
Was it because she was the child who put too much trust in others by lending out her crayons and then it backfired when they were returned broken and wrappers peeled? Was it because she was the girl who was too stubborn for her own good that it always led her to getting hurt? Was it because she was the teenager who lost something so near and dear to her heart that she couldn't see reason within the world for some time? Was it because she was the young adult who had to grow up before her time and miss experiences in order to take care of her alcoholic father? Or was it because she was the good woman who had gotten hurt all her life from people with malicious ulterior motives which led others like Rick to have trouble getting past her walls?
Was it because he was the child who was willing to do anything and pretended to be fearless when frightened in order to lead others to believe he was strong? Was it because he was the boy who got rid of his troubles by putting on a mask and pretending he was OK and content while his mother was on stage and not there for him? Was it because he was the teenager the often got into too much trouble too often in order to get some attention? Was it because he was the young adult who had a developing career at a young age and proven to be naïve by having two ex-wives and the only good thing coming out of it was his wonderful daughter? Or was it because he was the good man that was said to be untrustworthy that led others like Kate to build walls to protect themselves because they did not see his motives were genuine?
Two good people that both thought they needed to protect their hearts, but all they really needed was each other.
"Don't leave…Stay with me." she whispered.
He did not know how to reply to this. He couldn't stay with her as much as he wanted to. He needed to protect himself from heartbreak; he had suffered too much from her already by her not letting him in. Their whole issue was trust and although he trusted her with everything, his life, his heart, and his family, she did not trust him back. Every day he suffered a little bit more while his heart was torn apart because she thought he was just like everyone else that always had mysterious motives.
He decided the best way to deal with this was to take her hand in his own and lead her to the doorway. The expression "if you care about somebody, let them go" popped into his head.
"Don't," she whispered.
"I have to Katie," he replied.
He had to say goodbye, for good. He would make sure to tell her how he felt, a letter perhaps? He could not let her see his raw emotions; she would end up fleeing because of the truth behind the words that were unspoken. This was too painful for him; she had rejected him too many times. She had been avoiding pain by not going out with him like he truly wanted, so why was it so bad that at a certain point, he avoids pain by leaving and giving up hope that he shouldn't have had?
Rick help up his pinky and with his other hand grabbed hers as Kate watched in bewilderment as he wrapped their two pinkies together.
"KB, no matter your thoughts of me not caring about you, from the bottom of my heart I do care despite what is happening. If you ever need me, as a friend or someone just to hold you, I will be there no matter how much it hurts. I pinky promise." As their pinkies broke apart he whispered, "You were so much more than my muse Kate."
Rick leaned down toward her and just before his lips touched her forehead he whispered, "Farewell."
End Flashback
"We have a lot to talk about Rick.," she said as he closed the door behind him.
(A/N) HMMM... 5 reviews until next update? SOUNDS GOOD. I feel bad that I practically force you to review but I really do love reviews. I may write the next chapter in Castle's point of view again but I'm not sure :/ leave a review on which one you would rather see or maybe I could alternate. I don't know yet!
