Let's wrap up the aftermath of this Dennis incident and move on to the fluffly stuff shall we? Enjoy! -J
Chapter 7- To Let Go and Make Plans
"Jane is too good to me," Maura said, sitting on a couch across from the therapist she agreed to see when her nightmares became too much, exactly one week after the incident with Dennis. "The choices I made…Going to see Dennis to make her angry…it was a bad decision. What I did was hurtful and yet she forgave me so easily," she explained. "Sometimes it leads me to wonder if she truly forgives me for all of it."
"Maybe her relief that you were okay simply outweighs her anger," Dr. Pillar, a woman who was only a few years older than Maura, replied. "What you went through could have easily ended differently. You could have been seriously hurt, or worse. Perhaps Jane is just focusing on that."
"That is what she told me after this all happened," Maura nodded, though the look on her face was nervous, disbelieving. "It just all seems like a lot to forgive."
"But Jane made some poor choices as well from what you've told me," Dr. Pillar pointed out. "She's not exactly innocent in the whole thing."
"Jane wouldn't talk about her feelings regarding the case and she acted jealous in regard to Dennis," Maura shook her head, sounding frustrated. "It's not the same thing. It wasn't the same kind of betrayal that I made."
"But it was still a betrayal of sorts," Dr. Pillar pointed out watching as Maura visibly sighed. "Tell me about the nightmares," she decided to get to what this session was really about.
"There really isn't that much to tell," Maura shrugged. "I keep dreaming about the incident. I dream about Dennis grabbing me and dragging me towards the elevator…his knife tight to my throat," she said her hand unconsciously moving towards the small scar still visible on her neck. "Usually in my dreams Jane doesn't get there in time…I wake up feeling like I'm falling."
"Is that all?" Dr. Pillar raised her eyebrow, seeing that there was more that the Medical Examiner wasn't telling her.
"Sometimes the Jane in my dreams doesn't just not reach me in time…sometimes she…well sometimes she just lets Dennis take me over the edge," Maura admitted, her eyes shining with tears.
"Your guilt over your actions are marring your dreams," Dr. Pillar nodded, writing something down in her notebook. "You feel bad about what you did, so the Jane in your dreams lets you go. It sounds to me like you haven't forgiven yourself for your actions," she said. "Does that sound like a possibility to you?"
"Jane said we should both forgive each other and forgive ourselves since we were both wrong," Maura replied, her eyes downcast and still shining with tears. "I can forgive her for what she did. Jane struggles with discussing her feelings, especially in regards to Hoyt and I wasn't helping things by continuing to ignore her warnings about Dennis," she explained. "I was upset with her for not talking to me so I decided to accept Dennis' invitation to celebrate his birthday. I don't understand how she could forgive me for that and I'm really not sure how to forgive myself."
"Maura you made a mistake," Dr. Pillar said, leaning forward in her seat. "You're human and you made a decision based on emotions and chances are you'll do it again at some point in your life," she said with a small reassuring smile. "I know it's difficult but you have to forgive yourself and the only way to do that is to complete your homework for this session."
"Homework?" Maura raised an eyebrow in question.
"Yes," Dr. Pillar nodded with a smile. "Your homework today is to talk to your wife."
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If anyone were to watch Maura walking towards their crime scene later that day they would think that the Medical Examiner had it all together. They would have no idea that the woman was still dealing with the aftermath of the ordeal she had gone through the week before and they wouldn't know that she was losing plenty of sleep over it. Jane wasn't just anybody though.
Watching her wife making her way towards her, Jane could see that the blonde was exhausted. Though Jane was relieved that her wife had agreed to speak to someone about the incident with Dennis, she couldn't help but still worry, knowing that something was still bothering Maura, even though she refused to talk about it at home.
"Sorry I'm late, my phone was off," Maura said as soon as she was close enough, smiling as Jane held out a hand to assist her over the debris surrounding their victim, which had been found in the back alley behind a bar when the owner went out to throw out the garbage. "They didn't call in another examiner?"
"Korsak suggested calling Pike but I knew your appointment was nearly done," Jane replied, keeping her voice low as Maura began pulling everything she needed out of her kit. "Waiting didn't kill anyone…I mean that guy's already dead," she nodded towards the body with a smirk as Maura gave her a stern look. "Sorry. How'd it go this morning anyways?"
"It went well," Maura nodded, taking a look to see if anyone was nearby to hear. "I was given some homework."
"Homework?" Jane raised an eyebrow, watching as Maura began to take fluids from the body.
"Yes. A task Dr. Pillar believes will help with my nightmares," Maura explained, though her attention was still on the body. "Perhaps we can talk about it later? At home?"
"Of course," Jane nodded just as Frost approached, returning from talking to the bar owner with Korsak. "Hey what'd you find out? Do we have any idea who this guy is?"
"No one's found a wallet or I.D. around," Frost shook his head. "Bar owner doesn't remember seeing him around but he said his bartenders would know better. Korsak's waiting for them to come in so I've got to get a picture," he explained, pulling out his phone. "What does it look like Doc?" He asked as he snapped a picture of the man's face.
"Time of death is between 2 and 4am," Maura replied, still examining the body. "There's extensive bruising around the neck," she pointed out. "Though cause of death is still unknown. I should know more after the autopsy."
"Well I mean cause of death isn't exactly unknown," Jane pointed out. "I mean given the bruising I think it's pretty safe to say that he was strangled," she said even though she knew it would drive her wife crazy. "Those bruises definitely look like they could be fingers."
"I don't think it's safe to say that at all," Maura shook her head, glaring at her wife. "Even if those are finger marks it doesn't mean he was strangled. He could have easily died some other way," she argued, sounding very much like her regular self, a fact, which made the brunette smile.
"Well then I guess we'll have to wait for the autopsy then," Jane grinned, throwing her wife a wink. "I'll see you there. Come on Frost," she called, already heading towards the bar, planning to go inside and talk to the workers there. "See you later Dr. Isles."
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It was a long day. While Maura did indeed confirm that the cause of death was strangulation, they didn't find much else, still unsure who their victim even was, though they were anticipating someone filing a missing person report at some point.
Returning home, Jane still had Maura's homework on her mind, enjoying dinner with her Mother, Wife and Daughter before spending some time with Amelia before putting her to bed; eventually meeting Maura in the family room, the blonde with a glass of wine in hand. Seeing that the blonde looked slightly uncertain, Jane simply smiled as she took a seat next to her, gratefully accepting the beer she was offered.
"I think we should go see a Doctor or specialist or whoever it is we need to see to start planning for our baby," Jane said when it seemed like Maura wasn't going to speak, wanting to think about something happy in order to relax her wife. "I want to get started. I know these things take time but we're ready."
"It's a Fertility Doctor," Maura replied automatically, pausing for a moment, as what Jane said seemed to sink in. "Jane…" She bit her lip, looking unsure. "I'm not sure we should be talking about this right now."
"Why not?" Jane shrugged, reaching out and placing a hand on Maura's knee. "We were talking about it last week. I thought we were going to move forward with this. I thought we were both in agreement. I thought you wanted to have a baby with me."
"Of course I want to have a baby with you," Maura sighed, looking torn. "I want that more than anything but…it's just…"
"Your nightmares?" Jane guessed, watching as Maura's shoulders slump, giving her all the answer she really needs. "I take it that's your homework? Come on Maur," she reached up to tuck the blonde's hair behind her ear. "Talk to me. Tell me what this is all about."
"In my dreams the incident with Dennis always ends differently," Maura began, willing herself to hold back her tears. "Sometimes you don't get to me in time and we go down the elevator…sometimes Dennis slits my throats and sometimes…sometimes you don't…you let him take me."
"Maura…" Jane grabbed her wife's hand.
"I know it's illogical," Maura shook her head, a single tear falling. "I know they're just dreams and that you would never have let…it's just that…I just…" she sighed again, struggling to get the words out. "I just don't understand how you can forgive me so easily," she finally admitted.
"Maura," Jane sounded surprised, having thought the couple had dealt with this already. "Baby, do you know what could have happened? What he could have done to you?" She said, placing a hand on her wife's cheek so she could wipe a tear away with her thumb. "I could have lost you. I'm not going to hold a grudge about what happened when it could have ended very differently."
"But it didn't," Maura once again shook her head. "And what I did…the way I treated you. I was punishing you because you wouldn't talk to me. I was upset and I shouldn't have even been there. I should have listened to you."
"Maura," Jane took Maura's glass of wine and set in on the table with her beer, moving so they were sitting facing each other, pulling Maura closer to her, wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist. "Listen to me now. Okay?" She said. "I don't like what you did. I hate that Dennis got his hands on you and I hate that you resorted to going to see him in order to hurt me…or to get me to talk to you," she explained, keeping her arms wrapped around her wife firmly, reassuringly. "But all of that doesn't change the fact that I love you and that I'm happy that you're okay. And that I forgive you."
"But…"
"No," Jane interrupted before Maura could argue, shaking her head. "I forgive you, so you need to forgive you too so that you can get yourself some sleep Maura Rizzoli-Isles," she gave the blonde a small smile. "Get those nightmares out of your head because Dennis is gone. He's gone and there's no way I would ever let anything happen to you," she leaned forward, placing a kiss against Maura's forehead. "No matter what."
"Mommies," Amelia's voice suddenly called from the bottom of the stairs, the little blonde shuffling her feet towards the family room so her Mothers could see her. "What are you doing?"
"I think the real question is what are you doing Little Girl," Jane chuckled, giving Maura a moment to compose herself. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"I woke up," Amelia shrugged, looking adorable with a sleepy look on her face and her hair sticking up in all directions. "I'm not tired anymore."
"Come over here little one," Maura found her voice, holding out her arms for the six year old, smiling as she immediately ran over.
"What are you guys talking about?" Amelia asked curiously as Maura pulled her up onto her lap; looking from one mother to the other as the couple shared a look.
"Well Baby Girl," Jane was the one to finally respond, receiving a short nod from her wife. "Mommy and I were talking about the possibility of you getting a little brother or sister sometime soon."
"Really!" Amelia perked up right away, a big, excited smile on her face.
"Really," Maura nodded, smiling as she placed a kiss against Amelia's hair. "Is that something that you think you'd like? Would that make you happy?"
"I want to be a big Sister more than anything," Amelia replied enthusiastically, practically bouncing on Maura's lap. "When will the baby come? Will it be real soon?"
"Babies take a lot of time to get here," Jane shook her head. "And it could be a real long time before Mommy and I have one but we really hope that you'll get to be a big sister since we know that you would be such a great one," she smiled, running her hand through the little girl's hair.
"But since it's going to take some time we don't want to tell anyone else about the baby right now," Maura told her. "So you're going to have to keep this a secret for us right now. Do you think you can do that?"
"I can do that Mommy," Amelia nodded seriously, looking very much like Maura. "I promise."
"We know you can Bug," Jane grinned, moving closer to her family, wrapping her arms around both of them. "We can't wait for you to be a Big Sister."
"Me either," Amelia agreed, resting her head on Maura's shoulder, looking happy, but tired again. "I hope I get a little brother. I would love a little brother, just like Mama has."
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"I want to carry your baby," Maura kept her voice low later that night, lying in bed with Jane, Amelia fast asleep between them, the six year old having insisted on staying with them. "I know we've talked about it a bit…having a baby from one of my eggs or one of yours…I want to carry your baby," she repeated. "No matter what I know this baby will be ours, but I want a child with your eyes and your goofy grin," she smiled. "I want them to have your curls and your dimples, and I would love to be the one to carry that baby; unless of course you would prefer to. I'm open to that as well of course."
"Well it does seem to make more sense for you to carry the baby," Jane whispered, smiling at how much Maura had obviously spent thinking about their baby. "I mean considering my job it would be safer for you. And honestly I would be happy if the baby came from you or me or anyone really just as long as they're ours in the end. But if you want to carry my baby then there's nothing that would make me happier," she grinned at the look of delight on her wife's face. "So how exactly do we go about all that? I mean this is sorta new to me."
"I can make us an appointment with the Fertility Clinic here," Maura replied, still rubbing a hand up and down Amelia's back. "The Doctor I saw in San Francisco became a friend and she gave me the name of a Doctor here in case I ever decided I wanted more children," she explained. "And well I also had a thought about the sperm donor," she said, rolling her eyes when Jane made a face. "We have the option of using the same donor I used for Amelia. Obviously we don't have to but, I thought that it might be a good idea; the children would be related biologically, not that, that would really matter."
"I think that sounds like a good idea," Jane smiled, reaching out and running her fingers through her wife's hair. "I mean Amelia turned out pretty amazing so she clearly got good genes, although I think most of that comes from you," she said, making the blonde chuckle softly. "You think you can call for that appointment first thing tomorrow?"
"Yes, though it may take some time for us to actually get in," Maura replied, her eyes closing slightly, soothed by the feeling of her wife playing with her hair. "But I'll give them a call and see what I can do."
"Somehow I think you'll be able to get us in pretty quickly," Jane smirked, watching as Maura tried to fight off sleep. "You are the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth after all, and you're an Isles. You can pull some strings."
"Mm hmm," Maura smiled sleepily, her eyes closed even though she was nodding. "A Rizzoli-Isles," she mumbled, before falling into the first dreamless sleep she had, had in over a week."
