Chapter Seven


The Heart Cannot Lie...


"Now try to tell me again what happened, and this time, try not to break into song," Dearka said as he tried to pry away from Athrun's hand his seventh bottle of beer. Of course, Athrun wouldn't have it. He was really depressed. Which was driving the blond-haired boy nuts.

Apparently, he and Cagalli had a major fight. But trying to get the reason from the former Justice pilot was almost close to impossible.

"It… was yellow, you see? Yellow!" He babbled miserably as he tightened his grip on the bottle. "It wasn't pink, or anything that resembled pink…!"

Dearka scratched his head in confusion. Athrun was making no sense at all. Luckily, the bar they were in was empty, and except for the bartender who was stared at them with a dead look in his eyes as if he had seen this many times before, the two Coordinators were technically alone. "Pink what?"

Athrun raised his emerald-green eyes to his and Dearka cringed at the sight of him looking so crushed. "It was a yellow maternity dress, you see!"

Dearka almost fell out of his chair. "A what?"

"I bought my Cagalli a maternity dress… and it was Yellow… and my Cagalli screamed at me and told me she didn't like it at all, and she wouldn't let me sleep next to her…"

Dearka stared at his friend as if he had sprouted an extra arm on his forehead. Cagalli had been so moody the last few weeks, and he himself had seen the pressure Athrun had been under, and man, if he was in his shoes, he would have shot himself dead because of it. It was crazy. A pregnant Cagalli was ten times worse than the usual Cagalli…

The former Buster pilot sighed and slapped Athrun on the shoulder. "Aw, come on, Athrun. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Now come on. Your taxi has been waiting outside for fifteen minutes, and the meter is running. Cagalli is probably worried sick of you, and I still have to go pick up some stuff Cagalli wants me to take to Morgenroete early tomorrow morning."

With this, Athrun belched loudly and grumbled about something that concerned yellow submarines. Dearka slung the arm of his friend over his shoulder after tossing the bartender a few bills. It was a hard feat, even for him as Athrun's broad shoulders kept on bumping against his own. Getting him out of the bar was the easy part. Had Dearka not asked the help of the impatient cab driver, he knew he wouldn't have been able to toss his friend into the backseat of the taxi without hurting him. After giving the driver directions on where he should take the drunk Coordinator, he saw them off and sighed, chuckling a bit to himself and started walking the other way down the dark street towards the small office Erika had in Kaguya to pick up something Cagalli needed in Morgenroete. Unfortunately, now that Athrun was no longer keeping him preoccupied, he found himself lost in his own thoughts, and he did not like it one bit. Maybe this was the reason why he tried to be around people for the last week. There were so many things he's been avoiding his mind from wandering to. But some things, he wished he didn't have to do...

He had officially become Cagalli's personal errand boy, but at least it was keeping him sane. He still hasn't confessed to Miriallia his undying love for her. Not that it would have mattered. She seemed to have been really excited with her upcoming wedding day.

He felt his face scrunch up in pain at the thought of that day they had gone out for coffee. He did not know where he got the courage to actually want to tell her of the reason why he came back down to Earth. Of course, the moment was ruined because of an unexpected phone call from the other man.

Now everything would have been all right, actually. But somehow, he felt like as if Miriallia had been anticipating his answer… Maybe it was just him, but he actually thought that she looked mildly anxious when he told her he was in Orb because of a girl.

He crushed the idea immediately. He was through being optimistic. He had loved her from afar, even when he knew that he will not be getting anything out of it because she was already in love with someone else. Yet the human heart was annoyingly resilient. And it was eating him alive. He loved Miriallia Haww… And he didn't think he was going to stop loving her, even if she didn't feel the same. Yes, he was through being optimistic. It was time to be realistic. Miriallia was not going to know of his feelings for her if he didn't tell her himself.

And God help him, he actually was feeling quite confident about it. Or maybe it was because he knew that he was going to suffer one way or another. He had thought about it for the last few days. He didn't have anything to lose anyway.

He had already lost…

He was going to tell Miriallia he loved her the moment he saw her, and God help him more, he didn't care if she laughed at him and his confession…

I love you, Miriallia.

Why, that's sweet, Dearka. Thank you. Be my first child's godfather, all right?

His heart contracted painfully.

"Err, hello?" A voice said from behind him.

Dearka whirled around at the sound of that familiar voice, all the blood draining from his face. There, standing right in front of him, a huge bag slung over her left shoulder and a curious expression on her face, was none other than Miriallia Haww…!

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" she asked him silently, shifting her bag comfortably on her shoulder and looked around. "You look a little dazed, too…"

He was not dazed. But he was close to be being one as he stared at her in that cute little pink skirt and flesh top. She had no make-up and her hair was arranged in a disheveled bun at the nape of her neck. She looked tired, but still Dearka could not believe how her beauty had magnified over the last week he had not seen her. And he could not believe how she could have such an effect on him, what with his tongue wanting to choke himself to death. Yet luckily, he managed to look civil and he hurriedly straightened up.

"I should be asking you the same thing," he said, shrugging nonchalantly, but deep down, he was shaking. She always did have that effect on him.

She grinned sheepishly. "I was on my way home from the baker. I'm so full of sample cakes that I feel like I'm going to explode." She bit her lower lip in the most adorable way anyone could and lowered her eyes. "But I loved the sweets."

This amused Dearka to no end. "So you have been indulging yourself to cake all day, have you?"

She nodded with a toothy grin, then groaned, her free hand flying to her stomach. "Now I feel like throwing up everything."

Worriedly, Dearka stepped froward, which he discovered to be a bad idea. His heightened senses immediately made him fully aware of the cologne she was wearing. It reminded him of apples and peaches. He tried to shove every single sensation to the back of his head and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?"

She nodded weakly, then let out a small burp, making herself giggle. "Too much cake." With that said, her eyes went to her shoulder where his hand was resting, then she gazed at him weirdly.

Dearka jerked his hand away, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to another. "Ah... err... maybe it would do you good to drink some green tea?"

Miriallia kept on staring up at him with that unreadable expression for a second too long, then shrugged, suddenly blushing a bit for some reason. "I was on my way to my apartment..." she said, now looking up at him shyly.

Dearka stood there, looking back at her uncertainly, feelings swimming in his heart, making him queasy. Now he needed some green tea, too. He had said he would tell Miriallia his feelings the moment he saw her, but dammit! He was not expecting to see her this soon!

Clearing his throat, he held out his hand and smiled what he hoped to be a confident smile. "Here, let me carry that bag for you and I'll walk you home. It's dangerous for a lady like you to walk all alone at this time of night."

For a brief moment, the woman's eyes lit up, conveying what appeared to be a positive reaction from his offer, but was immediately gone the moment she burped again, making both of them laugh.

"I'm so sorry!" she said in between chuckles while handing him her bag, which he discovered was relatively heavy. "I'm not going to order chocolate cake for the wedding, definitely!"

What was meant to be a joke made both of their laughter stop, as if the mention of the wedding ruined everything. But it was more than that to Dearka. It was a reminder that the woman he loved for so long now was going to belong to another man... And only he knew how much it was tearing him apart.

Slinging the bag over his shoulder with ease, he silently gestured for Miriallia forward. "Shall we?"

The small inquiry made her sigh in relief, once again for a reason the former Buster pilot did not know. "We shall."

And they made a silent pilgrimage down the block. It was an uncomfortable silence, which was the only silence they ever shared together anyway. But to Dearka, it didn't matter. So long as he could be near her, even if she was thinking of someone else, it was more than enough for him. He knew he could not get anything else from her. He was lucky enough to have her want to be near him at all.

"So," Miriallia started, making Dearka wince. It was pathetic, the way she was trying to make him feel more at ease. He felt like he was standing in full attention in front of Yzak when he was in a bad mood. "How was your week?"

Dearka shrugged, kicking a small stone on the sidewalk as they made a left turn to Miriallia's street. "Hectic. But nonetheless all right. You?"

She lowered her chin to her chest. "Ah, mine was... hectic, too." Long pause. "Err, so... " she started again.

Dearka stared at her in the corner of his eye. "Yeah?"

She swallowed hard, then spoke shakily. "How are you and the girl you told me about?"

Dearka missed a step, catching himself before she noticed, then laughed nonchalantly, trying to cover up the nervousness in his voice when he said, "She is having a hard time this week. Very busy." Well it was true. She just didn't have to know it was her he was talking about.

Just then, she stopped walking, her eyes raised to meet his and a pained expression on her beautiful face. Dearka stopped walking too, worried that she might be having a stomach ache, what with her scrunched up eyebrows. "Are you all right?"

She blinked a bit, then nodded hurriedly. "Ah, yes... Err... " She hastily pointed to the tall building standing right behind her, then smiled her small smile. "My place."

Dearka searched for the right words to say, hoping against hope that he will find something interesting to say to make their good-byes last a bit longer. He clutched the strap of her bag tightly, as if his hands were not ready to give it to her yet. "Ah, yes... You're place... So..."

She tilted her head to the right, leaning forward a bit as if waiting for him to say something too, an almost eager expression in her eyes. "Yeah?"

Dearka looked away, then to her, then away again. It was hopeless. He couldn't find a perfect word to tell her to keep her from going inside and leaving him to another day of suffering from the fact that he was madly, completely, insanely in love with her even if he knew he could not have her. Sighing in resignation, he handed the bag back to her, then smiled. "Have a good night."

Dammit...!


She looked at the bag he handed her with a heavy heart, biting her lower lip as she hesitantly took it back and slung it over her shoulder. She was such a coward... and a liar. And she was damn crushed from the fact that Dearka really was stuck on a woman, and she was really, really jealous that it was not her.

But then what right did she have to be? She herself was getting married. And Dearka was happy for her. Why can't she be happy for him, too?

She knew why... but she didn't have the heart to admit to herself or to anyone else the reason why...

She watched him run a hand through his hair, and she had to fight the urge to run a hand thought it, too.

"Uhm," he murmured, shrugging his broad shoulders at the long moment of silence between them. Miriallia knew he was going to walk away anytime soon...

And God help her, she did not think her heart could take it to watch him walk away from her again.

"Would you like to come in?" she blurted out without thinking, but lately found out that she was anticipating his answer.

At first, he looked shocked, but it lasted for about half a second before finally disappearing. His face slowly softened, reminding her of gently melting snow. She did not believe his face was capable of softening at all. He was all planes and angles...

"Sure," he said, so softly she almost didn't hear his answer.

Of course, she tried to act composed as she fiddled with her keys. After dropping it once and stuffing the wrong key three times, she finally managed to get the blasted door open and smiled wearily at the waiting Coordinator. "Please come in."

He watched her carefully before finally nodding, and both of them made their way inside her apartments. For once she was grateful she had cleaned a bit earlier in the day. Normally, everything was a mess, what with her busy schedule and her job at the school. Now it looked fairly welcoming, what with the living room presentably in order.

"Nice accommodations," Dearka said, letting out a low whistle of appreciation as his lavender eyes scanned the low black couch and the small love seats hugging the far wall, with large beanbag seats arranged here and there. "Very cozy." He crossed his arms over his chest. "But it's weird..."

Miriallia froze from the act of putting her bag down on the side table near the door that led to her bedroom. "What is?"

Dearka's eyes met hers meaningfully. "I don't see pictures of Sai anywhere."

The bag fell from the side table, making her jump in a hurry to retrieve it only to discover Dearka had beat her to it. He picked it up and placed it on the table again before straightening up and shrugging. "How is your stomach?"

Miriallia blinked. Now that he'd mentioned it, she sooner discovered that she was no longer feeling that sick, but simply because she was feeling a different kind of queasiness. The butterfly foxes were once again swimming in her stomach, devouring whatever undigested cake that was in there. She scratched the back of her head uncertainly. "I'm doing fine. Much better than earlier. Thank you."

This made him sigh in relief. "Ah, good."

But it did nothing to ease Miriallia's troubled mind. Now that she's realized it, she never did have Sai's pictures up on any part of her place. It never mattered to her before, but it annoyed her that it was Dearka, of all people, who noticed it. She found herself looking around and saw on the center table a few framed photos of her parents and Cagalli and her up in the mountains a year back. She could remember that there used to be a photograph of Tolle along with those which was now silently sitting in a box shoved at the back of her closet. She had spent majority of her youth mourning over men who had decided to leave her, and she had decided that she will mourn no more.

But it seemed like her life was going to be the same way as it started after the war; unhappy...

She gestured at the couch. "Have a seat."

He eyed her with that deadpanned expression of his, and for the first time that night, she felt strangely, strangely aware of him being there with her, alone in her apartments. And for the love of everything that she held dear, he looked so beautiful to her, standing there, looking back at her with those eyes that seemed to look deeper in the dim light of her living room lampshade. The way his jacket hung casually over his shoulders that went on forever, how his jeans fit his long legs, how his lovely hair brushed the collar of his shirt. God, he was so tall... She had seen him many times before since he arrived in Orb, but somehow, he looked different each time she saw him.

Older... wiser... but not for me... Not for me...

She could not help but frown at the thought of the strange feelings cascading down her heavy heart. And with this, Dearka moved a step forward, making her gasp, startled at his sudden advancement.

Waves of dizziness slammed against her as his faint scent filled her senses, making her fully aware of his proximity.

"Wha-what is it?" she stammered, slowly backing away involuntarily.

But he did not let her get away. His hand shot out and seized her by the shoulder, impressing upon her his strength. And the next thing that came out of his insolent mouth made the world around her stop turning.

"You don't love him, do you?" he asked, his hold on her tightening, so tight it was starting to hurt. But she did not care. The pain was welcoming. It was keeping her from passing out. His eyes blazed with so much emotion that Miriallia couldn't help but stare, speechless, until he demanded, "Answer me!"

Her mouth worked wordlessly, until she finally choked out an answer. "It doesn't have anything to do with love... He was there for me when I needed him the most, and he will always be there in the future."

He narrowed his eyes at her, assessing her every move, the mere blinking of her eyes, the twitching of her mouth, the small beads of sweat popping out of her forehead. What was happening to her? And what the heck does Dearka think this was getting to?

"You are not in love with him at all, and you are getting married to him. You are going to spend the rest of your life living a lie!" he declared incredulously.

Now the way he said it, Miriallia felt her face heat up in outrage. Shrugging her shoulders violently, she backed away from him and took refuge by the couch. "Who are you to talk to me that way! Who the hell do you think you are?" She wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "So what if I marry him for other reasons than love? I find security in him, and that is more than enough for me. I am sick and tired of falling in love, Dearka! I am sick and tired of falling in love only to find that man I fell in love with leaving me for some goddamned reason no one dares to tell me! I don't want to be alone anymore!" she screamed at him, unaware of the sudden tears freely falling down her cheeks.

This, however, made Dearka scoff. He made his way to the other side of the couch, crossing his own arms over his chest. "So that's how it's going to be? You are going through with this because you are a coward."

Miriallia's mouth dropped open in outrage. She could not believe this man was talking about cowardice when he did not even know half the meaning of courage! She sneered at him. "Ah, and I suppose you are entitled to tell me this? Who's the bigger coward here, Dearka? You were the one who's been running all throughout your miserable life. You ran away from ZAFT before when you were taken prisoner by the Archangel then, you ran away from your friends right after the war ended without saying goodbye, and you ran away from your job up in the PLANTs! You've been running and running and running like mad! Now tell me who's the bigger coward!"

Once again, this did not dampen his determination. He tossed his hair freely, then planted his hands on the back of the couch, leaning forward, a dark expression coming to his bronze face. "That's right, Miriallia. I ran. I'm a coward! I ran from ZAFT, and I ran from my friends, and I ran from my job. I keep on running, running for dear life, for so long that I know I have to stop running..." his face crumbled a bit, and his left hand flew to cover his eyes. "I'm so tired... "

Now this unexpected turn of events, with him suddenly lowering his defenses, Miriallia didn't know what to do, uncertainly wanting to go to his side and maybe comfort him, but she stood her ground, wiping at her wet cheeks and willing the tears to stop coming. Huffing, she spat out, "Then why don't you stop running?"

He simply shook his head, his eyes still hiding behind his hand. "I can't... "

"Why?"

And with that, he lowered his hand from his face. He was not crying, but his eyes – those lovely eyes – were red-rimmed. "Because of you..."

And Miriallia felt like the carpets were being pulled out from under her. She felt herself hyperventilating. She had to hold on the couch to keep her from toppling over. "What?"

All he could do was shake his head weakly. "I ran away from ZAFT, sided with the Archangel, because of you... I... had wanted to protect you... because you were fighting so hard, and I didn't know what else to do to make it up to you. I ran away from Kira and Athrun and everyone else without saying goodbye, because I was afraid of these feelings I was starting to have for you... Because I knew you were too good for me... and because I was a coward to face the possibility of rejection, that's why I never even bothered to contact you."

His knees buckled evidently, and he leaned on the couch for support. "But that wasn't enough... I had to run one final time, and I did. I ran away from my job up in the PLANTs, because I knew, deep down here – " he pounded on his chest with emphasis. " – I needed to see you... But I found out you were getting married, and God knows how much I wanted to run away again. But I'm tired... so damned tired... I couldn't run anymore... And so now... " He looked up at her again, making her heart ache as one lone tear tricked down his dark face. "I can't run, Miriallia. Not anymore... Because I love you... For the past ten years, I've gotten every single woman I can have, but not the one I really wanted. And that's you. I came back to Earth because of you. I wanted to tell you then, but you were so happy... you looked so happy getting ready for your wedding that I couldn't simply tell you... that I have always loved you... "

She could not move, she could not even breathe. All the while, she was being eaten alive by the jealousy, the curiosity about his return from space. All the while, she had been wondering what he really felt for her. Ten long years had taken its toll on her, and she knew that she had become awfully jaded about so many things... But she could not help but cry even more at the revelation... He loved her!

But she could not speak... She could only cry a river as he stared at her with desperate, inquiring eyes.

"I'm a coward, Miriallia," he said, looking away. "But I refuse to be one any longer." He squeezed his eyes shut, and opened them again, once again staring back at her. "Please... say something."

She tried to control her breathing. "What... what do you want me to say...?"

He looked totally lost. "Something... Anything!" He took a step towards her but stopped when his knees wobbled a bit, catching himself on the couch again. He looked at her pleadingly. "Tell me you feel the same way. Tell me, please, that you won't marry someone else... I have nothing to offer, but I promise I will take good care of you... I will love you... I can't offer you anything else but one thing."

Swallowing to clear her closing throat, Miriallia raised her tear-stained face to meet his. "What is that?"

And for the love of him, he smiled sadly at her, once more a tear trailing down his face. "I will let you marry me out of love... And not out of anything else."

And she was falling... falling helplessly in a bottomless pit of anagrams that she could not decipher. She found herself crying once more, and at the same time, laughing. Laughing madly, uncontrollably as she watched the wonderful man of her dreams collect himself and make his way to her, feeling herself suddenly soar, making her stomach lurch pleasantly as he gathered her in a tight embrace, feeling his body shake with emotion as he buried his face to her neck. She let her hands snake to his slim waist, and sob into his jacket, somehow trying to assess the happiness she was feeling right at the moment. He loved her! He loved her!

And heaven knew she loved him, too.

She tilted her head back as he pulled away from her, looking down at her with those lovely, lovely eyes, still red-rimmed but no less beautiful... He brushed a fresh tear that had trickled down her nose and rubbed his forehead against hers. "Stop crying... please stop crying..."

She laughed uncontrollably again, but more tears came. She could not believe she was so happy. Shaking her head, she cuddled her cheek against his chest again. "I love you."

She felt his arms tighten around her even more. "Say it again. I just have to make sure I heard it right..."

"I love you..."

"God, help me..." he murmured as he nuzzled his nose to her hair. Why can't she stop crying?

Miriallia pulled back again and looked up at him, not really caring if her eyes were all puffy and red. He looked back at her, his eyes caressing her face gently. And for the past weeks of wondering, dreaming, and hoping that perhaps, what she was feeling was the same as what he was feeling too, she felt truly, unexplainably loved...

But nothing could have been better than feeling that when he slowly bent forward, leaving nothing more than a few centimeters between his lips and hers. As if asking for permission from her if he could.

And without thinking much, she found herself closing her puffy eyes and leaning froward acknowledging his kiss.

And nothing, absolutely nothing, could have been sweeter, lovelier, and more beautiful than the moment when his moist lips met her dry ones in a fleeting yet wonderful caress, pulling away a second before kissing her again, his one hand making its way to her waist, the other one to the nape of her neck right under her hair.

She had been kissed by only two men in all her life. Tolle and Sai. But none of them had given her this much reason not to think about anything in a kiss. It was always a critical science to kiss, but right now, she had lost all coherent thought as Dearka's mouth detonated a variety of sensations in her she had not even felt this intense before, not even with Sai.

She moaned and tilted her head back as his kisses deepened.

"God, you taste wonderful..." he murmured, as he finally pulled away, his eyes still closed and his forehead still pressed against hers.

"It must be the cake..." she whispered unconsciously, her brain not really working well.

This made Dearka laugh a bit, and Miriallia shivered at the feel of his breath on her skin. "It doesn't matter... May I kiss you more?"

He really did not need to ask. She tilted her head back again as his lips took hers once more. And guiltily, she started to wonder how this man could have acquired such great skills, but immediately clawed the thoughts out of her brain, as it started to make her jealous. He had talked about many women up in the PLANTs, and she was not about to ruin this wonderful revelation that she was in love, and he was in love, and they were here together.

Her eyes flew open when Dearka's tongue suddenly slid inside her mouth, not because she did not like it, but simply because she did not expect him to do so. She giggled a bit and reciprocated, this time getting a startled reaction from him, too. She tightened her arms around his waist to keep him from pulling away, which he did not look like he was about to do, but just to make sure... she did not want to let go as his mouth left a wet trail from her lips to her jaw, down to her neck, to her collarbone.

Each kiss seared her skin hot, and she closed her eyes in pleasure as Dearka's hands worked its way to her arms, then shoulders then back down again.

"Miriallia..." he moaned as he lets more sensuous trails from her collarbone to her shoulder, tugging her sleeve out of the way, baring soft, supple skin for his teeth to gently nibble on and explore.

"Dearka..."

"May I?"

It was the weirdest thing, hearing someone like him ask so politely, as she had always thought of him to be... well, something else...

In response, she cupped his face with both hands and led it back to have his eyes look into his. Gently, she kissed his brow, then the tip of his nose, then finally, the corner of his mouth, making his groan in pleasure. His arms made its way to her shoulders once again, but instead of having the other hand caress her back, it swooped down to the back of her knees, and with one swift move, Dearka hoisted her into his arms, making her squeal.

She threw her arms around his neck, nipping his left ear gently as he made his way through the living room to the door of Miriallia's bedroom. She had to kick the door open for them both, making Dearka laugh even more.

Once more, she felt extremely grateful that she tried to tidy up a bit earlier. What with the bed neatly made, and everything in order, she smiled to herself, letting herself be carried to her large bed.

Carefully, Dearka laid her on her back and was about to pull away but Miriallia grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to her, making him yelp in surprise as he crashed right on top of her. She had waited, dreamed, and hoped for so long now... she did not want to have him far from her at all...

"Don't leave me..." she pleaded, her grip tightening on his shirt.

Dearka's brow furrowed as he rested his head on his hand after propping his shoulder on the bed to keep from crushing her under his weight. His one hand easing her fingers from his clothes. "I'm not going anywhere, Miriallia. I'm staying here, right next to you..."

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

Dearka brushed back her hair with s finger, looking down at her lovingly, once again making her lose her breath. "Never..." He looked around uncertainly. "Are you sure...? About this?"

She nodded. She had never been sure in her entire life... And she had ten years of dreaming about it and hoping for it as proof. So there really is more to life than just dreaming...