Chapter 7
Olivia often wished she didn't have to be so alone, but that night was even worse than usual. Her burnt hand hurt, her left arm hurt where she had been slashed, her bruised eye hurt, her lip was swollen, and her entire right leg hurt. She had pulled her leg muscles at some point during her struggle, though she couldn't remember exactly when. Whatever had happened was approaching excruciating, and she went straight for her medicine cabinet when she got in the door. She swallowed two extra-strength painkillers and then went into the kitchen to get a hot water bottle.
By then she accepted that she was alone and had no one to put on a show for, so she allowed herself to limp and even use her countertop as support to hop around her kitchen rather than putting weight on her leg. Every time she had to put weight on her leg she let out a small whimper of pain, and on her way to her bedroom each breath seemed to end in that same small whimper. She didn't both changing into her pyjamas, just grabbed some extra pillows to rest her leg on and positioned the hot water bottle where it would do the most good. She wised she had a heating pad, and knew eventually she would have to get up to look for the one she had buried somewhere, but the thought had barely formed in her mind before she fell asleep.
She was awoken a few hours later by a bad nightmare. A little shaken, and suddenly in pain again, she moved her pillows into the living room so she could stretch out on the couch and watch a movie. While she was up she rummaged around in her closet and, instead of finding the heating pad she wanted, she found two. Thrilled with the discovery, she plugged them in near the couch and used them to wrap her thigh up. Before lying down, though, she changed into a tanktop, wanting something cool to wear so the heat wouldn't make her uncomfortable.
She put on a movie, not caring what she put in, but hardly paid any attention to it. Hot tears were stinging the back of her eyes and finally she let them fall. Being attacked had been terrifying and she nearly lost it. Her worst fear had been that they might rape her, and the thought had caused her to panic. All of her training told her that she shouldn't have let herself panic like that, but the possibility of being raped was just too much for her.
Being an SVU detective and working there for so long, she had thought countless times about what she would do if she became a victim, if she would be able to cope, but she could never come up with an answer. Now she was almost certain the answer was no, she couldn't handle it, and the discovery scared her. She wished more than ever for someone to wrap their arms around her and comfort her, but there was no such person in her life. She hardly even had any friends because her job was so demanding. The lonely enveloped her and she buried her face in her pillow and cried herself to sleep.
There was a knock on the door and Olivia gasped, startled out of another nightmare. She quickly wiped away her eyes, glad she had washed off her mascara when she changed at the station. She waited another minute, hoping her eyes weren't noticeably red, not sure how long she'd been sleeping, then slowly headed for the door, unable to keep herself from limping now. She opened the door to see Elliot standing there holding a small suitcase. "What happened?"
"Can I crash here?" He asked, sounding as exhausted as he looked.
"Yeah, or course," Olivia said, standing back to let him in, closing the door behind him. She asked again, "What happened?"
"Eli's sick, he's been screaming all night. I told Kathy I needed sleep, I haven't had a good night sleep in ages and she blew up, told me to leave. She's frustrated, I can't really blame her for blowing up like that. Anyway, I need a quiet place to sleep. Do you mind?"
"No problem. You can have the bed."
Elliot looked at the couch and saw she had already been sleeping on it. He wondered how bad her leg must be to need two heating pads, and noticed she hadn't moved since he entered the apartment. "Is your leg alright?"
She shrugged. "Just a pulled muscle, I'll be fine." It was a typical answer for her, always downplaying her problems and injuries, but he could hear a tone in her voice that suggested it was more painful than she was letting on. He decided not to press her for details, though.
He glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost dawn. "I don't have to work until this afternoon. You taking the day off?"
"Cragen gave me a few days to recover. You can use my alarm, I'll change it later." Elliot nodded and headed into Olivia's room. He decided to stay in his t-shirt and track pants rather than strip to his boxers like he usually did, and fell asleep quickly on Olivia's bed.
Three hours later Elliot was woken up by the sun. It was shining directly on his face now and was making the room uncomfortably hot. He was just getting up to close the curtains when he heard a sort of moaning coming from the living room. Knowing it could only be Olivia and suddenly very worried, he rushed out of the room towards the couch.
Olivia was tossing and turning on the couch, her lips moving slightly and making short moaning sounds. She was clearly having a nightmare. Elliot dropped to his knees and shook Olivia gently, calling her name softly. Olivia sat bolt upright as if he had shouted at her, letting out a sort of stifled yelp. When she saw Elliot and realized she was in her apartment and not wherever she had been in her nightmare, she began to sob. Elliot was a little startled, unable to remember even seeing Olivia cry, never mind sob. He wrapped his arm around her and let her cry on his shoulder.
After a few minute Olivia managed to get herself under control and wiped away at her tears. "I'm sorry. It was just a stupid dream. I'm fine."
"You wanna tell me about it?"
"No." He wasn't surprised, but he wished she would talk to him about it. Elliot knew Olivia wasn't the sort of person who would lose it over a nightmare, so it must have been really bad. He thought it must have something to do with being kidnapped, and suddenly wondered again what she had left out of her story when she talked to him.
Knowing she wouldn't tell him until she was ready, he stood up. "You want some hot chocolate?"
"I don't have any."
"Tea, then?"
She shrugged. "Sure. Thanks."
Elliot went into the kitchen and made them both a cup of tea, since Olivia didn't have any coffee, either. He looked around and saw that she obviously hadn't gone shopping for a while, though she had managed to get her dishes done at some point and that made him feel a little better. When the water was finished boiling he added tea and sugar the way she liked it, added milk to his own, then took both cups back into the living room.
Olivia was sitting on the couch now, her feet on the floor, the heating pads still wrapped around her leg. She was no longer crying, but Elliot thought she looked like she might start again any minute. He handed her the coffee cup and she nodded her thanks, taking a small sip of the steaming drink. "Really, Elliot, I'm fine, you can go back to bed."
"Don't worry about it, I've had about as much sleep as I'm gonna get today."
They sat in silence for a while, both sipping their drinks and letting their own thoughts spin. Elliot was sitting with his knees up to his chest, leaning back against the couch next to Olivia. Finally Olivia spoke again. "I'm sorry, Elliot. Maybe you should just go."
"If you want me to leave, fine, but don't assume I'm only staying here because I think I have to."
"Why are you here, then?"
"You're my partner, I care about you. After all the crap you've been through lately you shouldn't be alone." Olivia's eyes filled with tears again and she looked away before Elliot could see. He did, though, and he put a hand on her knee in a weak attempt to comfort her, not sure exactly why she had started crying.
"I'm sick of this," she said after a few more minutes.
"What do you mean?" Elliot asked.
"I'm sick of feeling like crap."
Elliot couldn't help smiling. "Aren't we all?"
"I mean it, El. I'm sick of everything. Working shitty hours, barely having time to eat, never mind buy groceries, cancelling date after date. And what for? So I can see kid after molested kid fall through the cracks, woman after woman beg me to find the jackass who raped her? And on top of all the stuff I have to see, have to deal with, I've been stalked, attacked, beaten and nearly become an SVU vic myself! Why the fuck am I putting up with all this shit?"
Elliot was shocked. He'd never heard so many swear words come out of Olivia's mouth at one time. In fact, he hardly ever heard her swear, or even rant so passionately. He wasn't sure what to say, but before he was forced to speak Olivia started crying again. Elliot pulled himself onto the couch next to her and made an effort to put his arm around her, put she pushed him away. He tried again to slip his arms around her, and again she slapped him away, but he resisted her feeble pushes and finally she collapsed into his arms.
The moment didn't last long, though, because Olivia suddenly slipped out of his grasp and stood up. "Get out," she said, pointing angrily at the door. Elliot, not wanting to upset her anymore, grabbed his suitcase from her bedroom and left, heading for the station early. Olivia collapsed on the couch and once again cried herself to sleep.
