AN: Ooooh, kept you on tenterhooks? No? Are you sure? Okay, I'll stop pestering you with short chapters. It's raining outside so I've got nothing to do (boohoo) apart from write (yippee!) on my crappy laptop that no longer has internet :( Anyway...
A tall, thin, pale figure stood before them, it's mouth stretched so widely that Harry couldnt tell whether it was smiling or grimacing. He decided to go for "scowling". It's eyes were closed and slowly, it was opening the quivering, white lids, showing a pair of startling blood-red eyes.
"Stephenie Meyer is You-Know-Who?" quivered Ginny.
Voldemort laughed before he spoke: "Well observed. As you have probably noticed "Stephenie Meyer" is Reyem Einehpets backwards..."
After a couple of moment's pause, someone spoke.
"And?" asked Harry. "What significance does that have?"
"Reyem Einehpets sounds like a cool name." retorted Voldemort.
There was silence.
Voldemort laughed again, and put on his usual, long, black cloak, because Ron's eyes were beginning to stray worryingly.
"You see, Harry, after I killed Diggory, I felt... remorse for my actions. Such a handsome lad. So, I called Directory Enquiries and asked for a good-looking vampire to come and go all bitey bitey on Cedric. And that bloke... what's his face... Carly! Carly came and bit Cedric, giving him a whole new persona – and name, Edward, as you would probably have guessed.
As you very well know, Harry, you killed me in '98, so you're probably a little confuzzled as to why I'm here talking to you. I made one last Horcrux on that fateful night when Diggory died. Cedric – or, Edward – was my last Horcrux. Why did I fake my "death" on May 2nd of 1998? Well, I wanted to start over. I wanted... to achieve my dream..."
There was a very pregnant pause.
"And... and what was that dream?" enquired Hermione.
"To plant flowers. I want to plant flowers everywhere – and make the world beautiful. Poppies, roses, tulips, lillies, sweet peas, pansies, sunflowers, daisies... I just wanted to make the world beautiful! But you know what? You know why I couldn't achieve that dream?"
"W-Why?" stuttered Ron.
"BECAUSE THERE IS NOT A FLOWER SHOP IN THE WHOLE OF THE WIZARDING WORLD!" shrieked Voldemort, falling to the floor in tears. Hermione and Ginny rushed to him.
"There, there... it's okay... there's plenty of flower shops in the Muggle world... I'm sure we could go to one of those..." cooed Hermione.
"Are you mad, woman? I can't set foot in the Muggle world! Do you know how badly I'm allergic to those things? Even... ACHOOOO! Get back from me!" snuffled Voldemort, Hermione did a quadruple backflip to get away.
"Well, that's all very well and good. But why did you decide to make yourself Stephenie Meyer? That's what I want to know." said Billy.
"Nice one, Bill," said Harry. "Put it there, son." They proceeded to do a complicated handshake.
"After knowing I couldn't ever have my dream, I decided to go for a second-best," hiccuped Voldemort. Ginny passed him a glass of cranberry juice, which he immediately spat out. "To become a young adult fantasy-romance novelist. But my writing's never been too good."
"I'll say," Hermione sniffed resentfully.
"I had regular correspondance with Edward and Carly. Basically, I just wrote down their letters, emails and texts. But things were dull. If I wanted to become a fantasy-romance novelist, I'd have to introduce some lurvin'. I made a robot. A real, working robot. I named her Isabella Swan. I must say, it was my finest work. All organs working. She could do anything a human could do. Apart from keep her balance or have regular emotions, but, hey, I'm not a mechanic." Voldemort grinned sheepishly. "I sent her to Forks and Edward's letters became a lot more interesting. "More interesting" as in he stopped moaning about his miserable not-life and started moaning about this "human". I decided to write in my robot's point of view, so every girl could relate to her. People falling in love with her, hating attention, just wanting to read Wuthering Heights like any other girl her age – just like a regular, female teenager. But people wanted interviews with the author. In newspapers, television, radio. I couldn't turn up looking like I am. Using the last of my strength, I made a Polyjuice potion, using one of Isabella's hairs. Though I transfigured myself to make a few, small changes... Oh, and look at me. I'm monologing. Haha..." he sniffed.
Ron, Billy, Harry, Ginny and Hermione were standing there, absolutely gobsmacked.
"He's barking!" shouted Ron. "Completely barking mad!"
"Wait, Ron, I'm not so sure." interjected Hermione. "It adds up, doesn't it?"
"She's right," said Harry. "It sounds... plausible."
"Yah! Yah! Yah!" crowed Ginny, jumping up and down excitedly.
"What do you think, Billy?" Harry swivelled towards him.
"Well, I doubt my cousin would lie to me..."
"Voldemort's your cousin?" squawked Hermione.
"Yeah. What of it?" shrugged Billy casually.
"Um... nothing..."
A loud, shuddering sigh interrupted their conversation. It came from Voldemort, who was blowing his nose in the corner of the big, four-poster bed with Cedric's face on the sheets. He stroked his cheek (oo-er) lovingly. He opened his mouth to speak.
"The only thing is, now, I regret it. Because my "books" are being compared to the seven volumes about your life, Harry. And those books feature ME, the Dark Lord. At my most powerful. I don't want to be belittled by my writing trash! I wanted to withdraw my books but Carly... ooooh, it wasn't nice. I want to fight back! I'm being compared to that Volturi! And so is dear Bellatrix."
"Bellatrix?" said Harry. "She isn't still alive, is she? She died at the Battle of Hogwarts, right?"
"Correct." sighed Voldemort. "But she's still with us. BELLA!"
Suddenly, a tall, wild-looking ghost of a woman swam through the wall of the room, causing them all to jump.
"What is it, Reyem - ("My new nickname," said Voldemort as he winked cheekily. "Feel free to say it yourselfs, bubs...") - a new plan? Evil plo- OH MY WIZARD GOD, WHAT ARE THOSE SCUM DOING HERE?" Bellatrix shrieked as she quickly glided towards Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny.
"Come back to mock me, Weasley?" she spat in Ginny's face. "Send your mother my love, eh?
And tell her... tell her... umm... (obviously she was trying to think of something absolutely crushing to say)... that's she's the BYOTCH! Not me! Yeah, byotch! HISSSS!"
"Oh, whatta burn..." muttered Hermione.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, MUDBLOOD?" screamed the ghost of Bellatrix, gusting into Hermione's face.
"Ah, oh, er, n-n-nothing, nothing..." stammering under Bellatrix's killer gaze, Hermione spluttered "So, hm, why did you decide to become a g-ghost, Bellaaarrrr..." From the look she got from Bellatrix, Hermione seemed verboten to say her name.
"Sirius would be there, of course! The Blacks have their own luxury resort for the dead and I wouldn't want to be there with that – that blood traitor scum-sucking hoebag!"
"Why?" asked Ginny. "You killed Sirius, why don't you wanted to be there? You're not... afraid of him, are you?"
"Me? Afraid of him? My coward cousin? I, Bellatrix Black Lestrange, is afraid of... well, er, Sirius gave the most awful Chinese burns. They used to leave marks for days..." Bellatrix's face turned a pewter-silver. Obviously she felt she had said too much.
"So, yes, I decided to become a ghost and watch after my hubbie,"
"Me, dearest? How kind of you!"
Another ghost wafted through the walls. Harry recognised him as Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix's late husband. He was wearing an expression that resembled one of a very ugly homesick puppy.
"No, you wanker. Get out. I meant... Reyem." Bellatrix's whole face softened at the last two syllables. Voldemort – er, ahem, I mean – Reyem stuck his tongue out at Rodolphus, curved one of his hands into a C-shape, raised it to his forehead and gestured it backwards and forwards very quickly.* Then, put it down as Bellatrix looked around again. Rodolphus floated sadly out of the room.
"Anyway, Reyem, I couldn't help overhearing that you were talking about that... saga of yours..." Bellatrix shuddered violently.
"Actually, Bellatrix, I feel the need to correct you," interrupted Hermione. "But a saga is defined by a series of stories about Irish, Viking and Celtic families, Twilight is not a saga. It is a series."
"Forever helpful, aren't you, Hermione?" sighed Ron. "Why can't you just keep your whining trap just for five seconds? You greasy little arsehole."
Harry, Voldemort – dammit, wrong again! - Reyem, Bellatrix, Ginny and Billy stared at Ron.
"Whoa, a little harsh there, don't you think?"
"Yeah, too far, dude..."
"What has Hermione done to you? Cool it..."
"Mmmmmhmmmmmm," added Reyem, snapping his fingers.
"Ron, can you just go in the corner of there for a few minutes please? You need to think about what you just said," said Harry, pointing to a Cedric-wallpapered corner of the room. Ron shuffled over and pressed his forehead against the wall, repeating "Robb Rose sat on a pin. Robb rose."**
"UGH. ANYWAY." repeated Bellatrix tiredly. "I heard you five -" she nodded at Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Billy. "- are planning to take the sparklepyres down. If so, me and Reyem want to help you."
"Wow, really?" gasped Harry. "That's an excellent idea. But... I thought the point of this was to kill Stephenie Meyer, the Head Sparklepyre?"
"Idiot boy!" shouted Reyem. "I'm not the Head Sparklepyre... but I do know who is."
"Can you tell us?" asked Hermione, her eyes bright, cheeks flushed.
"I can only tell one. The one who is unaffected by her... evil."
"Who? Who is that? Me? Is it me? Oh gosh, the pressure!" Ginny wailed.
"Shut up, Red. No, it's... YOU."
"Me?"
It was Billy.
"Billy's the only one unaffected by her evil? Who is it? Bill, you have to tell us..." said Harry immediately.
"Uh, I don't know Harry. We'll have to see." Billy said, moving towards Reyem and Bellatrix. "I'll see who it is first, right? That's what's important."
Reyem held Billy's hand and they Apparated, Bellatrix following.
"Wonder who it is..." said Ron from his corner.
"Shut up, Ron, no one cares what you think. Just go die." snapped Harry. Ginny and Hermione nodded approvement.
"Anyway, I wonder who it could be. I can't think of anyone else who'd affect us with her evil. Well, I could, but it can't be Bellatrix. She's dead. And besides, I think she's on our side now." sighed Harry. "I think."
They waited a couple of minutes in silence.
"What on earth could they be doing in there?" Hermione said, staring hard at the spot in which Billy and Reyem had Disapparated.
A moment later, Billy and Reyem appeared looking rumpled and worried. Billy was very pale, his dark beard contrasting greatly with his ill-looking skin.
"Billy! You're back! Did he tell you? Do you know who it is?" asked Harry impatiently.
"Yes... but it's horrible... I can't..." said Billy before he sank to the floor in a dead faint.
"Bill-? Billy-?" Hermione dropped to the floor to help him. Reyem walked up to Harry and placed his hand on Harry's shoulder.,
"Harry Potter," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry and all. For all ther shizzle I've done. Killing your parents, Sirius ("Well," said Bellatrix. "That was me, but whatever. Carry on.") and all my mates killed, like, everyone close to you; Remus; Tonks; Hedwig; Fred Weasley; Colin Creevey; your Firebolt...but you know, that's in the past."
"Don't worry about it." said Harry.
"Excellent! Well, I was thinking me and Bella could accompany you on your mission to hunt down the Head of Sparklepyres, we'd be useful...?"
"Sure, if-" But Harry did not finish his sentence. Billy, as though in a trance, rose from the floor and screamed:
"ENOBY!"
AN: Oooh la la, I thinky that is my longest chapter yet. Perhaps the best. We will see, eh? EH? EH? Review, or I may kill myself :)
* = I did that rather lengthy, boring explanation of Voldy, ahem, I mean, Reyem's actions just in case that is not an international gesture. Every British person will know that particular wave is a signal for "dickhead", but yeah. Just in case you foreigners didn't know... RUN!
** = Only my friends will get this one, it's a cheap gag. Sue me.
