AN: Happy 2011, Faberry shippers :) longest chapter of the whole story! After this only 2 more chapters to go, and I feel like it's just unfolding! This chapter deals with Beth. I hope everyone likes it. Lyrics taken from Dead Man's Will by Iron and Wine. Not sure if the next update is going to be tomorrow or Tuesday. But well, this chapter is like 4000 words so it should get you through the day either way. Enjoy, and if you have anything to say, or if you don't really have anything to say, leave a review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or anything I may refer to.
~ I lost it in myself and buried it too long ~
Rachel was in an empty backyard. There was a lawn, some trees, a tire swing and for the rest it was empty. The house had been vacant for 3 years now. She wasn't exactly sure why, 'But,' she thought, going for the tire swing, 'From today on you can say it is a haunted house, haunted by a 16-year old girl who died too young and never left this earth.'
She felt the ridiculous desire to howl. Mostly to see if the wind would carry her voice, or if it would just fade. It was probably the last one. Perhaps she should try screaming, for immediate relief. What should she scream?
Immediately, Quinn came to her mind, the source of all these new frustrations, because being dead had not been enough. It felt difficult to be away from her now, like there were a thousand strings tying her to Quinn, and they were all straining now, trying to pull her back in.
That was exactly why she needed to get away. This was no good. She closed her eyes and resisted the pull. It scared her. It was unlike anything she had ever known or felt when she was alive. She had been willing to hurt Finn today. Finn, of all people! And over what?
Quinn was right to ask Rachel why she was doing all this. Rachel didn't know herself. It felt like every time she saw someone hurt Quinn, her insides turned to ice, then fire. It felt logical to her: It's easy, you don't hurt Quinn Fabray. You just don't.
But some people did. She immediately felt the need to tell them off, punish them, hurt them for hurting her. It felt… instinctive. Like the right thing to do. No, the only thing to do.
Something tugged on her insides yet again and she buried her face in her hands. Quinn was supposed to help her, be her ticket away from earth. Instead, with all these extra strings attached, she was more tied down to earth than ever.
She wasn't sure when the exact moment was that it happened, or how, especially in this short period of time, but Rachel had gotten to know and come to love Quinn Fabray. She lifted her head again.
This, she knew, was nothing if not doomed. If she wanted to get out of here, she had to cut every string that tied her down. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go, but knew it was what she was going to try to do. She needed to move on. Now. So… She needed to create her personal hell on earth first.
She couldn't risk any more contact with Quinn. She had to cut loose, ignore the strings pulling her towards the blonde, and focus on everything unearthly. Or she really would be the ghost who could never leave, for all eternity tied down to earth, only bound to follow a person who could never love her back.
Quinn felt annoyed. She was once again at the point where she expected Rachel tot pop up everywhere. Only this time, she was needlessly worried as well. Rachel was a ghost. She couldn't get hurt. Nothing could happen.
But even as she told herself that, she felt the worried know in her stomach tighten. Quinn was on her way home now. She'd seen Burt Hummel arriving and take Finn away from school, and after that she just wanted to go home herself. Unfortunately, she was nearly too distracted to drive.
Part of her had been sure, she'd see Rachel at home, and when Rachel wasn't there, the worries intensified. If not here, than where?
The horrible thought struck her. What if Rachel was gone for good? What if she had moved on?
She couldn't have. I'm not finished with her yet.
But what exactly there was left to do, Quinn couldn't name either.
It wasn't until after 1 AM that Quinn managed to fall asleep, and even then, she was plagued by nightmares.
She was old and had died, but couldn't leave yet. She had to see Beth one last time. She searched around Lima – Shelby had promised to contact her if either she or Beth left the town, and it looked like they had stayed in Lima, too – and Quinn searched the yellow pages, every phone book for her name.
Then she searched the shops and stores, hospitals, anything.
When she walked past the psychiatric hospital, something told her not to skip it, even though the option was nearly too horrible to even think about. There, room 137, was her name: Corcoran, Beth.
She slipped through the doors, through the hallways, until she was where she needed to be. After a second of hesitation, she slipped through the locked doors, though scared of what she might find.
She found a girl, around 16, with her eyes open on her bed. Quinn was old, and Beth must have been in her 50's at least, by logic, but Quinn knew her daughter when she saw her. That angsty teenage girl was Beth.
Her face was vague. Quinn was looking straight at her, desperate to see what her child looked like, but somehow couldn't make out any specifics, no matter how hard she looked.
Then the girl spoke. "Mom? Mom!"
Quinn stretched out her arms and Beth came to her and… ran right through her. She turned around, and Beth's face was contorted in an expression of angry frustration and… pain.
"You're one of them!"
"One of who, sweetie? I'm your mother, your mom!"
"No! You're a ghost, a dead person, you're in my mind! You don't exist, it's your fault I'm here!"
"No, Beth, I'm dead. You can see me, because you are supposed to. I had to see you, say goodbye."
"Stop! You're not real, you don't exist, stop talking to me! Someone help!"
"Honey, I can explain. Seeing ghosts runs in the family, and—"
"I can't trust you! You're in my screwed up head! Everyone says I shouldn't listen to the dead, because they aren't real. Why didn't you tell me this when you were alive, and I could still believe you?"
"I… don't know. What are you doing in here?"
Quinn looked around. Afterwards, she couldn't recall anything but the colour white.
"It's your fault! I'm talking to you, my dead mother. I talk to dead people. I'm insane!"
"You're not! All the women in our family can do what you can. It's not just you."
"Well, you're too late! You've never said anything, mom. It's your fault I'm in here now."
Beth faded from her sight, but Quinn was still in the white room, now 16 again herself.
Her mother was suddenly next to her.
"I couldn't let this happen to you, Quinnie… you understand. What mother wants that for her daughter?"
Her voice sounded exceptionally vague. Quinn was still confused, focused on her daughter, but Beth was nowhere to be seen. Judy continued.
"You have to be normal, Quinn. There is no other option."
Quinn's attention shifted to her mother.
"But… I'm not normal," Quinn said slowly. "It's a lie."
"Then lie to the world and hide who you are. It's for the best."
"Always lie? To everybody?"
"You must. There is no other option."
Suddenly, there was a voice against her ear, accompanied by a hot breath which made her shiver. It sounded close, nearby, unlike her mother's, almost reverberating through her.
"Follow me."
A hand smaller – wait, smaller? – than hers settled in her hand. A slight tug was enough to wake the rare need of following instead of leading inside Quinn. She looked up. Rachel's face was the first sharp, clear thing she had seen yet.
"Where are we going?"
"Choir room."
"…Why are we going to the choir room?"
"Desperate times, Quinn. You need a desperate measure. You are obviously in great need of a little Glee in your life right now."
They walked through a quite random door that had appeared out of nothing, and suddenly they were actually in the choir room. Quinn was barely surprised.
"Rachel, why did you bring me here? What if Beth comes back?"
"She won't. I brought you here so you can be yourself. It seems you need Glee to do that."
Rachel started walking around, fidgeting with the equipment. Quinn just stood there, just fidgeting.
"You should really try and relax, Quinn."
"How am I supposed to do that?" Quinn snapped. "My mom… my daughter! Beth…"
"Just relax, breathe. It is critical you are calm for you to be yourself."
"It's not that easy! I don't know who I am, and neither do you. What if either of us regrets it, bringing out the real me?"
It sounded barely like English to her own ears, but Rachel seemed to understand. She stopped walking around and looked at Quinn, smiling.
"But that's where you are wrong! How can you not see? I know the real you! You can try and deny it, but I know this for a fact."
Rachel was standing in front of her now, still smiling.
"How can you, when I don't even know me?"
"You are yourself with me, it is easy as that. So now I know you, better than you think I do. I know who you are, what you like, and what you want."
"Then tell me, Rachel. Please tell me, what do I want?" Quinn's irritation was building, and doubts were twisting inside of her. Doubts that Rachel somehow knew her as well as the girl obviously thought she did.
"Oh, that's the easy part." Rachel's smile widened, and she opened her arms in a Broadway gesture. "Me!"
"What? Get your head checked, man-hands!"
"It is true. I know you need me to deny it, but I refuse to do so. Don't move and try to relax, you'll see for yourself. I'll prove it tp you."
Quinn thought she had never been further from relaxation in her life, but Rachel put her arms around her, and Quinn found herself melt into the touch, muscles relaxing.
She closed her eyes and waited, feeling torn between having a full-scale panic attack and finding herself in the garden of heaven. Hot breaths fell against her trembling lips, and she both heard and felt the other pair of lips murmur:
"Just relax, Quinn. And be yourself."
A soft pair of lips lightly touched hers, grazing her own.
Quinn woke, but one name on her lips.
"Rachel!"
On the other side of town, Rachel had closed her eyes in a weak attempt to feign sleep. She had decided to do nothing but wait. Just wait until she would move on. She heard her name.
"Rachel!"
She knew the voice at once and opened her eyes, only to confirm she was in Quinn's bedroom. The 5th time already that she'd accidentally transported to Quinn's side that night. Every time she lost her focus, she'd find herself here.
It was getting on her nerves. It kind of made avoiding the girl hard. Then she saw the pained and panic-stricken look on Quinn's face, and everything else disappeared. She forgot about everything, about ever avoiding Quinn in the first place. Everything but the fierce desire to keep Quinn safe.
"What's wrong, Quinn? Did you have a nightmare?"
Quinn's breaths were laboured, everything inside her was still in the dream. It was a difficult transition to make.
"Rachel? Are you… here?"
"Of course I am! Why else would you call out my name?"
"It's… nothing. I just had a nightmare."
Or something. The first part definitely qualified as a nightmare. The second part, she wasn't sure what that was or where it came from yet.
"What was it? Unless you do not want to tell me, which would be perfectly understandable and in which case I will just respect your privacy."
Quinn told her everything up to the conversation with her mother, but made it sound like the dream had stopped there. No need for Rachel to know about the other stuff. Rachel was quiet throughout the whole thing, only commenting after Quinn had finished.
"I hadn't even thought about Beth yet. Have you told moth- Shelby?"
"So she'll have me committed? No, thank you."
"So you are just going to do nothing?"
"I don't know what to do! I don't know how to tell her, but the thought of doing nothing and keeping this possibility open is what kills me during nights like these."
"I know. I can see it." Rachel thought for a moment.
"You'll figure it out. I will help. We'll figure it out, together."
Quinn went back to sleep after that, more quiet and peaceful than she'd expected. Rachel stayed up, and set her mind to work. The solution struck her soon, and to her delight, it would possibly help her too.
Maybe the key to moving on was seeing her mother one last time. And maybe the key to Quinn's peace of mind was there too.
When she explained her plan to Quinn the next morning, the other girl reacted warily. She mostly seemed to want to forget about the whole thing. Eventually, Rachel being the persuasive girl she is, Quinn reluctantly agreed.
It was a fine idea, but part of Quinn feared what Rachel hoped; that meeting Shelby was the catalyst to sending Rachel to the other side.
She still wasn't exactly sure why, but she had noticed that she was doing the opposite of what she was supposed to do. She was sabotaging Rachel instead of helping her. Even if she was decided to help Rachel, each time it came down to it, her instincts were making her do the exact opposite.
So when Quinn agreed, it was with great reluctancy indeed. It was mostly because she knew she couldn't stop Rachel, and that if Rachel was going, Quinn would rather go with her than stay behind.
That afternoon, Quinn spent preparing and they agreed to go the day after. Rachel had completely stopped trying to avoid Quinn. Quinn needed Rachel for this. At least that was what Rachel was telling herself. Maybe it was true, she hoped it was.
The next day Quinn was driving to Shelby's house straight after school, her sweaty hands keeping the wheel in a slippery death grip, knuckles white. Rachel appeared beside her.
"Slow down." Her voice was soft and kind instead of strict and disapproving. Quinn responded by letting her left hand slip.
"Jezus! Don't scare me like that, Rachel!"
"I stopped scaring you ages ago, you're used to it by now! You reacted like this because you are so on edge. You did scare me by allowing your hand to slip, though. With this speed it is practically begging for a lethal accident! You could have gotten us both killed!"
"You're already dead, remember?"
"The rest still applies! And that doesn't mean I can't be afraid for you."
Quinn gave Rachel a look and it seemed like she was about to say something important, but Rachel couldn't contain herself.
"Keep your eyes on the road, Quinn. It is extremely dangerous to get distracted while driving and I am a statistic now."
Quinn averted her eyes with a mumbled apology, and Rachel sighed. What a way to ruin a potential movie-moment. Quinn drove the rest of the way so extremely careful, Rachel nearly felt guilty herself.
They drove to the outskirts of Lima and quickly found the address that Quinn kept on a yellow post-it, hurriedly scribbled down in Shelby's handwriting for emergencies.
Quinn seemed decided not to hesitate. She slammed the door of the car and took a couple of long steps before ringing the doorbell. It wasn't until then that she seemed to realize what she was doing, and she shot Rachel a panic-stricken look.
However, the door was already opening and there, in the doorpost, was Shelby, Beth on her arm.
"Quinn!" She said in a surprised voice. "What are you doing here?"
"I know I should have called, I'm sorry," Quinn began, speaking faster than usual. "Have you heard about-"
"I have, I'm very sorry about it. Her dads and Will Shuester called me."
"Do you know about tomorrow?"
"I do."
"Are you going to..." Quinn almost didn't dare ask. She wondered if she'd have the guts to come to Beth's funeral, after a lifetime of not knowing her daughter.
"I don't know yet," Shelby replied distantly. "You know how complex the situation is."
It had taken a while, but now Rachel caught on .
"This is about my funeral, isn't it?"
Quinn fought her instincts to reply out loud and gave Rachel a tiny nod.
"Well, I thought it should speak for itself that my biological mother, who shares my blood, should come to say goodbye!"
Quinn fought a smile and said: "I think you should come. I'd want to. And I think Rachel would have wanted you to come, too."
"Well, you probably knew her better than I did," Shelby said. She paused, repositioning the quiet baby on her arm. "I'll consider it."
"Thank you. But actually, that's not what I came here for. I came because of Beth."
She noticed Shelby clutching the child a little tighter. "What is it? Do you want to come in?"
"I'd rather not," Quinn said quickly. The thought of seeing Beth's nursery, something she'd imagined several times in her head, was simply too painful to even consider.
"I have a favor to ask you. Remember how you made Rachel that tape? Well, I wrote Beth a letter. I would very much appreciate it if you didn't read it, like Rachel's dads never listened to that tape, but if you could give it to her when she's... 9."
With an understanding smile, Shelby took the letter from Quinn. Quinn's mouth got dry as she tried to take her eyes from the little girl that had her eyes closed. She finally tore her eyes away, realizing her heart was pounding and she was breathing heavily. Shelby was looking sympathetically at her.
"I know what you're going through, Quinn. I'll do it, I know how hard it is. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No thank you," Quinn said quietly. "Just come tomorrow."
"We'll see. I'll try, alright?"
Quinn swallowed painfully before nodding, mumbling a goodbye and stalking back to her car, not hearing Shelby's soft: "Goodbye, Quinn."
Quinn sped away in her car, her eyes filled with tears nearly brimming over. This time, she wasn't shocked to find Rachel beside her. Rachel's voice was filled with sympathy, like her mother's had been just moments ago.
"Pull over."
Quinn didn't react audibly, but her lower lip started trembling. She bit it to keep it still.
"Quinn, you are a danger to everyone around you right now. Your behavior is reckless. Look at what happened to me. Really, how many times do we have to go over this, miss Fabray?"
She received a tiny smile. Quinn, torn between the desire to get as far away from Shelby and her daughter as possible and the knowledge that she shouldn't drive right now, caved because of Rachel's soft tone and pulled over.
The second the motor fell quiet, the first tear fell. She looked at Rachel who had a hand stretching to touch Quinn, looking sorrowful herself.
"You've been alive for so long and I knew you all that time, and I never touched you in a friendly way, and now I just wish you could hold me. I feel like I've wasted all that time that you were alive," Quinn blurted out.
She was a little shocked at herself for admitting it, and Rachel seemed equally astonished, but recovered quickly.
"I know, Quinn. I feel the same." Quinn suddenly felt the foolish desire to reach out and touch Rachel's hand stronger than ever before. Just to see... but she wasn't stupid. And when her hand would pass through - which she knew darn well it would - it would hurt her and puzzle Rachel.
Instead, she grabbed a tissue from her purse, wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
"Are you mad I told you to go?"
"No," Quinn choked out. "It's better. Sorry for you though," she shot Rachel a look. "I know you hoped."
"There was never a great chance... I didn't think she was the reason I was stuck on earth." Now more than ever. She's not enough.
"I know. But you had hope anyway."
Rachel looked away, locking her eyes on the dashboard. "I always do."
There was a silence, while Quinn wiped more tears and blew her nose again. Rachel said in her typically upbeat tone: "You think she's coming tomorrow?"
"Well, I would, but I don't know. You need to stop talking about your funeral like it's a party, though. Why the hell are you so excited?"
"It's all about me! You know how admittedly self-centered I can be, and I cannot wait to see how sad everyone will be because of my demise. And I'm thinking that that probably will be the cue for me to move on. Isn't that what you said?"
"Maybe it won't be. You just said you don't know why you're stuck here. You could be here for ages!"
"What? You told me most ghosts can move on after their funeral!"
"It's not a guarantee, alright? I don't know! Maybe you won't be able to leave at all!"
"I wish to give you some useful advise on the subject of truth and tact in that case. Do not ever sound so sure of something you don't actually know again, because it does nothing but giving a ghost false hope. Especially not if you want to shoot it down brutally later. It is mentally destructive."
Quinn's jaw was clenched. There were a million hurtful remarks at the tip of her tongue, the kind that old Quinn used to say, the kind that would destroy Rachel easily and thoroughly.
But this really wasn't Rachel's fault, despite what Quinn was trying to convey. She gritted her teeth, frustrated with her own, stupid behavior.
If she had been a bigger person, she'd be hoping Rachel would be able to move on tomorrow, so Rachel would be happy. But she was Quinn Fabray, so she never was the bigger person.
She'd rather have Rachel less happy with her, than a delighted Rachel saying goodbye, and she couldn't stand the thought, much less Rachel talking about it like it was the party of a lifetime.
She started her car.
"I'm sorry," she lied. "I hope you can move on tomorrow." We both can.
