A/N—Posting this sooner than planned because I'm in the mood. For those wondering, Noah makes his official appearance in the next chapter. :) Thank you so much for reading!
Kendall woke up snuggled under a mountain of plush blankets, warm and cozy. He was alone, and that disappointed him until he recognized the aroma of bacon and heard the faint sound of classical music drifting in from the kitchen. This time the song was vaguely familiar, though Kendall couldn't place it; for some reason, it took him back to his childhood, to a time when things had been good and their family had been whole.
He stretched, groaning softly at the various aches reminding him of their night together, and then let his gaze roam James' sanctuary. It had been dark before, but now he noted that the room really was done in reds and grays and that James had put thought into the décor. He spotted the lamp James had insisted on at IKEA, and looked up to see the new painting above his head as well. James must've found the time to get that set up before cooking dinner. There was also a...what was it called? Some kind of little desk type thing with a huge mirror and a bench before it. His mother would know the name of it. The surface was cluttered with bottles of other things Kendall couldn't name, but he'd bet their purpose was to make James more beautiful.
As if that's even possible.
There was a closet to Kendall's right, the door open just enough for him to see that it was packed with clothing and shoes. He attempted for about ten seconds to talk himself out of it, but gave into curiosity and peeked into the nightstand drawers. The top held things Kendall wasn't even sure how to use, his cheeks reddening as he studied the toys, but the bottom yielded a small collection of snacks and comic books. He grinned at the sight of those things, thinking James was a strange mix of sophistication, sex, and innocence.
He quickly closed the drawers, not wanting to get caught snooping, and wondered if he should join James in the kitchen or wait until he was called to breakfast. The pull of watching James cook was too strong to fight, though, and Kendall stretched again before finding his clothes and slipping into them. First stop, bathroom.
There he tried to force his hair into at least a semi-groomed state, finally giving up with a shrug. If James couldn't handle bedhead, it wasn't going to work anyway.
The scene that greeted him was one Kendall wished he could wake up to every day. Clad in a red satin robe that hung only halfway down his thighs, James was shaking a frying pan slightly. Suddenly an omelet flipped up and into the air before coming to rest again on its other side. James hummed to the music as he settled the pan back down over the flame, then used tongs to turn the bacon. Kendall spied two kinds of cheese near James' elbow, along with freshly-sauteed onions and something green that might've been spinach. A loaf of whole-grain bread sat open, and Kendall thought he could probably handle that on his own.
Before any of that, though, something else was necessary. He stepped closer and slid his arms around James' waist. James jumped slightly, having been so into his music that he hadn't heard Kendall's approach, but then he leaned back with a content sigh. James smelled like some kind of shampoo or body wash that had Kendall wanting more of it, so he kissed James' neck as James hugged his arms tighter.
"I was just about to wake you up. Omelets are almost done, and I just need to pop the bread into the toaster."
"You're amazing. Do you cook like this every morning?"
"When I have time. I do a lot of breakfast meetings away from home, so not too often." James still hadn't let go of Kendall's arms and now they were swaying together in time to the music. "Are you late to work?"
"I emailed the firm last night after you fell asleep. Told them I won't be in today."
"Oh, Kendall." James spun around fast. "I didn't mean to make you miss work."
"It's one day. I'm still new there so they don't know it yet, but I never call out. It's fine."
"Except you missed your classes last night and now this today and...all because of me."
"I had a choice in that." Kendall leaned in for a lingering kiss. "I don't regret my decision."
A sound that was both happy and frustrated escaped James' throat. "I promise I won't disrupt your life anymore."
The probable truth in that pierced Kendall's heart. "It's fine," he said again. "I'll spend the time today catching up on schoolwork I'm behind on, and then I don't work at Black Forest until this evening, so it all works out."
"Okay, as long as...shit, breakfast!"
James shoved Kendall away to save the bacon that was inching toward more crispy than either of them liked it. Without asking, Kendall dragged four slices of bread from the bag and popped them into a toaster. The music changed, a sudden flash of large snowflakes hanging from the ceiling dropping into Kendall's mind. "Wait. I know this. I've seen...something. A dance thing?"
"It's 'The Nutcracker'," James smiled. "It's usually a Christmas thing but it's one of my favorites so I listen to it year-round."
"The Nutcracker. Oh my god. I think Katie did a dance recital to this, back when Mom forced her into girly stuff. She hated it. And had no rhythm. But she was so adorable on that stage."
"I bet. It's probably a memory she doesn't even like to think about."
"I'll have to bring it up the next time she annoys me."
James laughed, the sound carefree even though Kendall had already picked up on the fact that he was a ball of tension. Once they were seated at the table with a meal that made Kendall's mouth water, he tried, "You doing okay?"
The light in James' eyes died. He looked away. "No. I'm freaking the fuck out."
"I know. And I can keep telling you it'll be okay, but you're not going to believe it until the moment's at hand."
"I just...I'm so scared. I'm so scared to fuck him up, to leave him more scarred than he probably already is. I mean, Shannon's only been dead for about a week. He doesn't even know me and the thought of coming to live with a stranger has to be terrifying for him."
"I'm sure all of that's true," Kendall nodded, "but it'll only be scary for the first few weeks. Once he gets used to you and this place, his new life and the people in it, he'll be happy to be here."
"Will he?"
"Yes. Because I don't think it's possible to be around you and not be happy."
James' fork paused halfway to his mouth, the bite of omelet shaking so that he had to set it down. "It's not just Noah that has me freaking out."
"Ah." Unsure how to feel about that, Kendall lifted a glass of juice to his lips. Was James regretting this already?
"Having you here last night...right now...I don't want it to end. It was so much better than every fantasy I ever came up with and I know it can't continue and...I mean, unless you're willing to date a guy with a kid?"
"Did I give you any indication that I wasn't willing to do that?"
"I don't know, you just...when I talk about us being together you keep saying things like 'we'll see how it goes.' And I get it, we don't know what's coming so you're probably afraid to count on anything, but I'm putting it out there right now that I want more days like this. More nights like that. The way you kiss me...the way you touch me...I'm not going to find that anywhere else. I've been with enough partners to know that. And I know things will be weird once Noah lives here but maybe we can at least try to have one date a week? Just something, anything, that I can hold onto because I don't want to let you go."
Kendall swallowed the last of his bacon, wiping his mouth on a napkin before attempting to put his thoughts into words. "It isn't that I'm not willing to try. Or that I don't want to. It's more that I'm afraid we'll try and it just won't work. Our schedules already don't match up, and once Noah's here he'll be your priority. As he should be. And I guess I just don't want to count on something that might not happen because this isn't like 'Oh, I'm supposed to grab coffee with a buddy next week.' It's not something that isn't a big deal and that I'll be fine with if it doesn't happen. You are a big deal, and if I get too caught up in you and we don't work out...that's not going to be easy to get over. It's not like I'm gonna walk out of here today and go on with my life as if something monumental didn't happen. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm just afraid to count on it lasting."
James blinked as he considered Kendall's words, but said nothing. It drove Kendall insane, because he was learning to read James but also knew now that when James wanted to hide his feelings, he was too good at it. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm wondering if we have time for another round. I'm pretty sure we don't, and it pisses me off because after a speech like that I just want you to take me back to bed and love me."
A soft smile graced Kendall's lips. "I wouldn't hate that."
After a look from James that told Kendall he was envisioning what that might be like, he sighed and started eating again. "I still need to get dressed and ready for the drive out there. Can I drop you at home?"
"I'm actually heading to the coffeehouse. Is that out of your way?"
"No, it's fine, but I thought you don't work until tonight."
"I'm gonna stop in and talk to Carlos. I stood him up last night and I feel bad about it."
"Oh, shit. You were supposed to meet with him? When?"
"Sometimes we get dinner between my classes. We were going to last night and then..."
"And then I came along and ruined your life."
"Please, you know that's not true. And if it is, don't hesitate to make my life hell again," Kendall winked.
James grinned before pushing his plate away to rest his chin on his hand and stare at Kendall with dancing eyes. "So you want to do this again? I can con Logan into babysitting one night a week."
"Really?"
"Mm-hm. I have blackmail material that I threaten him with occasionally. Works every time."
"Oh, I'd like to hear this."
"Nope. Not unless he forces my hand. And so far he hasn't, so..."
Kendall finished the last of his breakfast with a satisfied sigh and leaned back. "So Logan doesn't date?"
"No. He was with some guy back in college and got his heart totally trampled, so he swore off dating and men and relationships. He won't even consider going on a date."
"That sucks. For him and for Carlos. But he said Carlos was cute, so that's something, right?"
"He did," James smiled. "I had to force it out of him, but he admitted that. And then promptly ran away because it scared him that someone found him attractive."
Kendall shook his head. "Carlos is a good guy. A little much sometimes, kind of in your face with his enthusiasm, but you get used to it. And miss it when it's not around."
"People like that terrify Logan."
"Oh, well. I'll let Carlos down easy."
"Just make sure he knows it's not him." With barely a breath in between, James asked, "Kendall, what am I going to do to entertain a child for the next two weeks?"
Kendall had suspected that thoughts of Noah were just under the surface. James' anxiety was back, the fear that he was inadequate. "Ask him what he likes to do. You guys are going shopping today, right?"
"Definitely. That could take us hours."
"It's a good way to find out what he likes. Take him to lunch, maybe a movie or something. The most important thing is to discover his interests. Then it'll be a piece of cake."
"If you say so." James braced himself, then pushed away from the table. "Okay, I need to get dressed. I don't suppose there's any way I could convince you to drive out there with me to pick him up?"
"No," Kendall replied softly. "Because this is about the two of you and you need to learn each other. He needs to know he's the most important thing in your life. I'm just...a peripheral."
James stared intently across the table. "You're so much more than that."
Kendall wanted to be. He knew better than to get used to any of this, though, because Noah was going to completely upend James' life. "Go on. I'll take care of the dishes."
James looked away, but Kendall noted the disappointment in his gaze before he did. He wanted to reassure James and again held back because he refused to make promises he couldn't keep.
For now, they'd just have to continue with one step at a time.
"How will you get home from here?"
"The same way I do every day," Kendall smiled. James had held his hand for the entire drive and he squeezed now. "I'm fine, I promise."
"Okay." James pulled into a spot at Black Forest. "Think you could run back there long enough to show Carlos how to make my coffee? Or are you not allowed to when you aren't working?"
"I got this." After one more hand squeeze, Kendall let go and stepped out of the car. He reached into it for his backpack, James leaning over to pull his face closer for a kiss that they allowed to linger because deep down both were afraid it would be their last.
"When can I see you again?" James asked.
"You can stop by here anytime. We do serve cocoa, you know. For Noah."
James nodded slowly; that hadn't been what he was going for, but he knew it was the most he would get from Kendall at the moment. "Just...remember last night. And this morning. And know that whatever else is going on, I'll be missing you."
The sentiment touched Kendall's heart. "You'll be too busy to miss me," he grinned anyway.
James shook his head. "Somehow I don't think that's even possible."
Kendall let out a breath and stepped back to close the passenger door. They met near the hood, where James took his hand again and Kendall reveled in the feel of those leather gloves twining around his fingers. James held the door for him, earning himself a kiss on the cheek in passing.
The satisfied smirk Carlos greeted him with made Kendall blush and avert his gaze. "I'll get your latte ready so you can get out of here."
"Don't even think about paying for this one. You've done more than enough."
"If you insist." Kendall squeezed one last time, then let go so James could get into line while he joined Carlos behind the counter.
"Well, at least now I know why you stood me up for dinner," Carlos teased, not really angry.
"I'm so sorry. I meant to text you but we were busy and then I was going to text you after dinner and...well, we got busy then, too."
"Mm-hm. And I can tell by the way your face is so red that you were busy being naughty."
"Carlos!" Kendall hissed quietly, glancing around to make sure James didn't hear. James was messing with his phone as he stood patiently in line. "I was putting furniture together for Noah. We went and bought some stuff and had to set up his room. James is on the way to pick him up now."
Carlos picked up the next order and started on it. "Okay, but don't even tell me you didn't get busy after all that. I can see it in your eyes, dude. You're in love."
"It's...complicated."
"How? You like him, he likes you. Was the sex great?"
"Carlos..."
"Come on, it's me you're talking to. You can tell me."
"I just don't want to think about it because it might not ever happen again. Can you pass me the whipped cream?"
Carlos did, then sneaked a glance over at James, who was at the register. "Is he scared?"
"Terrified. He asked me to go with him."
"Why don't you?"
"Because this is between them. It's important that they bond, you know?"
"Yeah." Carlos stepped away to pass off the order he'd been working on, then returned to watch Kendall sprinkle cinnamon over James' latte. "Corey messed that up?"
"I'm telling you, he shakes too hard. So uh...you're still looking for a place to live, right?"
Carlos sighed, as if his living situation was the last thing he wanted to deal with. "I was thinking maybe I'd just stay where I'm at and get a new roommate when Corey moves out. Do you know anyone who needs a place?"
"No, but I know a place that needs someone. How would you like to live in a luxury penthouse downtown for free?"
"Free? Like no rent? No utilities?"
"Yep."
"That'll never happen."
"All you'd have to do is take care of a little boy from about eight at night until...well, I'm not sure what time. Probably like three A.M. But it would be at home, so it's not like you'd have to be awake the whole time. You could go to bed when the kid does. And he promised two nights a week off."
Carlos blinked a few times while staring at Kendall in shock. Kendall smiled and handed over James' latte just as he approached.
"I'm getting too used to this," James grinned. "You're spoiling me. Can you walk me out?"
"Of course. Be right there." He waited until James turned away and spun back to Carlos. "Just think about it, okay? He needs someone he can trust with his son, and I know you're that person. And you wouldn't even need to officially move in for a few weeks, because he's taking a vacation to get Noah settled in. Hang on, I gotta say goodbye." Kendall left Carlos' still-shell-shocked face behind to escort James to his car.
"Did you ask him?"
"I did," Kendall nodded. "He's thinking it over. I'll be in touch. Promise."
"Okay," James sighed, letting out a long breath full of nerves and tension. "Are you sure you won't go with me?"
"James, it's gonna be great. You already met and hit it off immediately, right?"
"Yeah. I just...meeting someone as your dad...and I'm sure he's wondering why he never saw me before this. I don't want to be that dad who badmouths a dead parent like 'Oh, your mother never told me about you because she's a bitch.' You know?"
"I know," Kendall nodded. "Hopefully they've explained it all to him. I think you'll have a blast shopping with him."
"You said you work here tonight?"
"Yep. Stop in for hot cocoa if you need to. I'll be here."
Having just opened the car door, James stopped to stare at Kendall over it and shook his head. "You really are magical."
"Magical?"
"Yeah. You just...all of this I'm dealing with, it's so much. Too much. But with you I feel like I can handle it. Sort of? You just give me hope that maybe it'll be okay."
"It'll be better than okay." Kendall leaned over the door to kiss James softly. "A week from now you'll be amazed that you ever considered walking away from him. He is going to change your life, but definitely for the better."
"Just like you did. You've been here all along, but still it's like you suddenly appeared out of thin air to save me just when I needed you."
"Just call me Mr. Wizard," Kendall grinned. He couldn't resist one more kiss, closing his eyes to commit it to memory. "Thank you for last night."
"It was so much more than I imagined it could be."
"Yeah. Once you figure out if and how I fit into all of this, you know where to find me."
"There's no if, Kendall. There's only when and how. Because you most definitely have a place in my life. In our life. That's how I have to think of it now, right? Isn't that what you said?"
"I did say that," Kendall nodded, remembering their conversation on the drive over. "It's not just you anymore, James. You're not alone. And he won't be, either."
"Okay. Okay, I got this. I'm gonna go bring my son home."
"Go get him, Dad."
"Stop, that's still so weird!"
"It's who you are now." Kendall teased James' mouth with his own. "And it's who I'm falling in love with."
"Oh god," James breathed, their kiss shifting into something deeper that took them both back to a dark room where James had danced over Kendall's lap. "Don't you dare get me hard when I'm about to go pick up my son."
"Too late," Kendall grinned. "Go. Text me if you need to. I'm just gonna spend the day catching up on schoolwork before I come back here."
"Fine, but you owe me!"
Kendall watched as James pulled out of the parking spot, hoping he'd get the chance to make up for that. Wondering if James had been able to read that he was terrified he wouldn't. For all of Kendall's jokes and teasing, his heart broke at the idea that James was driving out of his life instead of just this parking lot.
"Please come back to me," he whispered. "I don't want to go back to what we were before."
As soon as Carlos had made Kendall's coffee, he asked for his break. Annie waved him away, and then he rushed into the breakroom where Kendall was waiting.
"Here." He set down the coffee. "No breakfast today?"
"James cooked for me. He's incredible in the kitchen."
"Probably in the bedroom, too, eh?"
"Stop it," Kendall blushed.
"Okay, but we can't just ignore that you broke your rule for him. You've never broken that rule."
"I know, I know. But it was mostly because we don't know if we'll see each other again once Noah gets settled in. He'll be a full-time dad, you know?"
"So what? Dads can date. Now tell me what you were talking about out there. Is he serious about hiring me as a...nanny, I guess? And why would he do that when he doesn't even know me?"
"Because I suggested you when he mentioned needing someone. You're great with kids, Carlos."
"With my own family, sure. This kid's a stranger."
"Obviously you'd meet him first, make sure you two hit it off okay. James doesn't know a lot about him yet but we know that he's smart and he likes to read."
"And?"
"And...that's about all. Except for the fact that his mother just died and his entire world is being turned upside down. He'll need someone he can cry to when he gets scared."
"That's what James is for."
"James is...new at this. He hasn't really been around a lot of kids."
"Only child?"
"I didn't ask. I'd bet on that, though, because he said he's pretty much alone."
Carlos considered that, reaching for a muffin he'd brought in. "Is he serious about the no rent and no utilities thing?"
"Totally. And he'd probably cook for you, too. Trust me, dude, you don't want to miss out on that."
"I don't know, man. He kind of scares me. I mean, think about the way he was with Corey. Imagine if I make a mistake with his kid, how much worse it would be. I don't know if I want to deal with that."
Kendall sipped at his coffee, unsure what to say on that topic; Carlos wasn't wrong. "We talked a little about that. His biggest issue with people like Corey is that he expects people to know their jobs. If we explain to him that this is all a bit new to you and you're learning as you go, I think he'd be cool with you. And honestly you don't have anything to worry about, Carlos. You really are amazing with your siblings."
"Yeah, but I know them."
"And in time, you'll know Noah. Just think about it, okay? I know you've been stressing out about the roommate situation, and this is the answer to all of your prayers." Inspiration struck. "Besides, I bet you'd get to see Logan more often."
Carlos sat up straighter, suddenly more interested. "You think so?"
"They are best friends. He made a comment about how he could easily get Logan to come over and babysit if he needs to."
"But with me there, he won't need to."
"What if it's your night off and you just happen to be hanging around the apartment while Logan's there to take care of Noah?"
Carlos' teeth toyed with his bottom lip as he imagined that. "He didn't really seem into me."
"Okay, so about that. James says he doesn't date. At all."
"No?" Carlos' face fell. "Why not?"
"Because he got his heart broken years ago and is afraid to open it up again. I think the right guy could change that, though. Don't you?"
"Kendall, please. I'm not the right guy. He deserves someone smarter, like him. Someone he can talk to about all that energy stuff."
"He can't talk to you about that?"
"Not if he wants someone who can engage in actual conversation. I'd just be sitting there like 'Whoa, that's cool! Tell me more!'"
"What's so wrong with that?"
"Dude, come on. Don't...what's the word?"
Sipping at his cappuccino, Kendall shrugged. "I'm just telling you what might happen. Who says he doesn't like to educate people? And you love to learn."
"I don't really learn, though. I just like to hear people talk about that stuff. It gets me hot."
Kendall smirked. "And you think he'd view that as a bad thing?"
"Yes, if he isn't into me. Stop trying to use him to sway me!"
"Okay, okay," Kendall laughed. "I'll back off. But that doesn't mean that everything I just said isn't true."
"Whatever." Having finished his muffin, Carlos leaned back in the chair and rubbed his hands over his face. He glanced at the clock and said, "I only have five more minutes. Was there anything else? Can you tell me about your night or is that secret?"
"It's..." Kendall sighed. "It was amazing. Perfect. He's nothing like what I imagined, and yet at the same time he's exactly what I imagined. It's hard to explain."
"Obviously he's totally into you."
"Totally. Which...that's crazy, right? Turns out he's been wanting to date me for as long as I have him. We were both just scared to go for it. And now we did and..."
"Come on, man, stop assuming the worst! If you both really like each other, you can make this work."
"That's what he said, basically. But I don't think he understands just how much Noah's gonna change his life. His habits. And when he's not working, it'll be all about Noah. Because that's how it is when you're a parent."
Carlos frowned. "So does he work nights, then? I'm assuming?"
Kendall nodded, adding nothing more. Carlos knew him well enough to know there was more to it. "What sort of job would keep him out until three in the morning?"
"He's a...he dances. For men."
Carlos' eyebrows shot up. "Dances? Like...stripping?"
"Yeah."
The way Kendall answered had Carlos studying him harder. "That really bothers you."
"It's not so much the stripping as...I don't like the idea of other dudes staring at him like that. He says they don't touch him at all but I mean...he's fucking grinding on them, Carlos. How am I supposed to not let that bother me?"
"Did you tell him how that makes you feel?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"He um...he said some really amazing things that I wish I could believe in."
"You don't? You think he's lying?"
"No, I think he meant it all. I just...I'm afraid to believe that this is all going to work out the way I want it to. Like some fairy tale where we all live happily ever after. I can tell he's falling for me; he actually admitted it."
"So what's the problem?"
"Everything's gonna change."
"So you change with it. You guys figure out how to still be together."
"Okay, but you know how I am in a relationship. I'm clingy and possessive and I get way too into the person I'm in love with. James doesn't need that right now, he needs someone who can take a backseat and be fine with not being number one. I don't even know if I'm capable of that."
"You are," Carlos nodded. "I'm not gonna lie, you are intense when it comes to boyfriends. Not that you've had a lot, but when you do..."
"Exactly." Kendall let out a groan and finished his coffee. "This is never gonna work."
"It is, because I think it'll be different with a kid. You won't get jealous of that. You'll be what James needs and if I know you, you'll end up being a stepdad before the week is out. James won't even need me."
"Yes he will, because I'm busy all the time. And that's another thing, weekends are his busy time and that's when I'm actually free. This is doomed to fail, Carlos."
"Oh my god, stop it. Quit being scared to take a chance. I thought you were past this with him!"
"I'm just scared to get used to something that isn't going to happen."
"Well it sure as hell won't happen if you don't let it!"
"Ugh, you're so annoying."
"Because I'm right, jerkface. I have to go back now. What are you doing today?"
"Heading home to shower and study. I missed classes last night and need to find out what we covered and I'm a little worried I might've lost the internship; I mean, who misses their second day on the job?"
"Shit happens, Kendall. Life happens. People understand. Go home and forget about all of this for a few hours, lose yourself in whatever it is you study. I'll see you when you come in later. When are you supposed to see James again?"
"We didn't set up anything. I told him to bring Noah in for hot cocoa if he wants to."
"He will," Carlos grinned. "I guarantee it. You'll probably be the first person to meet that kid. Before Logan, even."
"You should hang around after work for awhile. You might meet him, too."
Carlos shrugged. "Not like I have anything better to do. So was there anything else I need to know about this job offer?"
"Uh...oh, there is one thing. You'd probably end up sleeping on a pull-out couch in the living room," Kendall cringed. "There are only two bedrooms."
Carlos thought that over. "Well, for free rent and utilities, it might be worth it. It's not like I really have a love life I'd need privacy for anyway."
"Yet," Kendall smirked. "We'll see what happens when Uncle Logan starts visiting more often."
"Shut up, dude! Don't even get my hopes up like that!"
Kendall laughed as Carlos left the breakroom. He felt a tiny bit better about the whole situation after talking to Carlos, just like he always did. There was a reason Carlos was his best friend.
Now if he could just figure out how to handle a prospective boyfriend who was also a dad.
