I don't own fifty shades or the characters. They belong to E.L. James.

I'm sorry for keeping you all waiting for so long but I got stumped on how I wanted to write this chapter. I finally got it down and can officially say this story is no longer on hiatus as I am writing the next chapter as well. I can not promise every day updates, maybe every week updates...on ANY of my stories. There is a lot going on right now between getting my oldest ready for her first day of school next month, taking care of a two year old, and just finding out number 3 is on the way. I will update when I can so please stick with me.

Let's refresh real quick: We are still seeing the two weeks CG and AS were apart. It's almost back to the present, we should be back there in about 3 chapters including this one. CG and AS had their one night but then she had to leave because her brother finally told her the whole truth. She remembered that she had met Christian when she was younger but Christian has not remembered yet but he will.

This chapter will explain the two weeks Christian spent without Ana and yes it will explain what got him out of the BDSM lifestyle.

Read and Review, please. :)


Chapter 7

Christian's POV

How pathetic have I become? I'm laying here in my bed after searching every room in this damn penthouse and finding no Ana and no note. I even looked at the security tapes hoping to get a glimpse of her so I could track her down by her picture but I couldn't find them...maybe Taylor put them up somewhere. Maybe I should just let her go, give up. I got what I wanted right? I had Ana in my bed and it was...incredible. Vanilla who knew it could be so mind blowingly awesome. It wasn't just about having her though, it was about getting to know her. I was hanging on her every word about her family, favorite things, I committed it all to memory. Yet I was a stupid fuck and never asked her last name. I knew her families names, Ray, Carla, Tyler, but no last names for anyone. She left me. I couldn't ignore the pain I felt right now, it was worse than anything I'd ever felt. Even the day Leila came to me for help, the day I shattered one world, and the day I knew I had to change.

I walked into the kitchen with a smile still on my face from talking to Mia. My little sister was one of the only people who could make me smile by just talking to me. I stopped when I saw Leila standing by the breakfast counter. I was shocked as to how she got in given I haven't seen her in two years and I've changed the security codes since then. A part of me worries that giving my security team the day off was a bad idea but a stronger part of me knew she wouldn't hurt me.

"Leila. This is a surprise. How have you been?"

I try to read her but she keeps her eyes from me. She's pale and thinner than she was. Her wedding ring was gone and that was a shock considering she had left me to marry Jacob. Finally her eyes met mine and I saw the emptiness in them. "I am fine Master."

"That's good. How is Jacob?"

Her eyes widen. "Gone." Her voice is shaky and I can feel the emotion radiating off of her.

"I'm sorry Leila." I go forward and extend my arms to comfort her but she steps away from me and shakes her head. "Leila please. Let me help you. I care about you."

"Lie." She spits the word at me and then takes another step away from me so that she is now in front of the front door. "Master does not care. Master likes to fuck us and that's it. Master does not feel for us." She is still talking but now she seems to be making a decision. I have no idea what that is but it's hard for her to make apparently. "I loved Master. I cared for Master."

"Do you still?" She seems surprised by my question, hell I'm surprised by my question but right now I know I have to do what I can to protect Leila. I didn't lie when I said I care about her because I do, just not romantically.

"Yes. I know Master does not want me though. I am not good enough for Master. I will not be a girl he can beat and fuck any more, I want more with Master. Can he finally give me more?"

I see the hope in her eyes and at that moment I want to say yes just so that hope stays there. I can't say yes though because I can't give her what she wants. I can give her friendship. I can let her call me Christian and I can be her friend but I can't be more. "Christian. Please Leila call me Christian. I...I can be your friend. I care about you as a friend."

"Christian." She says it as though she's saying a foreign language. "A friend. Not more. I am sorry Christian, that is not enough. I'm sorry. I love you."

Those were the last words she spoke before time started moving in what felt like slow motion. She had ran into the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife and started slashing the hell out of her wrists. "Leila! Stop it! NOW!"

I yell at the top of my lungs as I run towards her. I was too slow to reach her by the time I got to her the damage was done. I called 911, tried to stop the bleeding, rode with her to the hospital, found out she would live, found out she had a few psychological problems, and found out that I had to change. I did this. I broke her. Leila was always so sweet, so alive, and I made her distant and broken. I didn't want to be the cause to break anyone again. I wasn't him. I wasn't the pimp that beat me. I wasn't.

I slowly got out of bed and walked upstairs. I had to do it. Yes I had made the decision 6 months ago when Leila had come to me and I shattered her world but I knew better. Making a decision was one thing but following through with it was another thing completely. I unlocked the door to the playroom and stepped in cautiously. I hadn't been in here for months but I had to come in here now. I walk through the room and think hard about my next move. It would be so easy to go back to that life, to find the perfect sub and be the master of the universe. It would be hard to let go of it all because it's all I've known since I was 15 years old. I didn't know if I was capable of more.

Ana.

The thought of her snaps everything into focus. Last night I had more, we were connecting more than a dom and a sub, it was more. With that thought I made my decision. I went to the closet and pulled out the flattened out boxes from the top. I started at the 'toy chest' and packed up everything. The whips, canes, belts, floggers, every single toy, handcuffs. I packed until the room was left with just the unmade bed and bare walls. I took the boxes downstairs and only stopped when confronted with Taylor.

"Sir? Do you need help?"

"No. I was just taking these boxes to the...the..." I had to force the word out. I could say basement but that meant there was a possibility of turning back, one possibility I couldn't take. If I wanted anything with Ana I knew what I had to do. "dumpster. It's something I have to do."

I try to walk past him but stop when I see him pick up one of the boxes I had set on the floor. "I understand sir. You don't have to do it alone though. I will help you only carry the boxes, you can do the rest yourself."

I nod my head and follow him into the elevator and down to the dumpster. We made the same trip 3 times before we had the playroom cleaned out. I couldn't leave it empty it would only make me worry about it more. I had to do something with it so I decided hell what is one more guest room. I couldn't leave it as it was, it held too many memories.

I spent the next week in that room. I painted the walls, bought new furniture, and completely redecorated it. After the week was over the room almost looked completely different. I had chosen the blue paint because it was the closest blue they had that would rival how blue Ana's eyes had been. I chose the white silk sheets as a sort of starting over for this room. Every piece of furniture had been placed around the room to make it almost unrecognizable unless you'd been in here already. Elena had seen this room only once when she came into my home uninvited the day after I cleared it all out. I hadn't breathed a word to her about Ana and I had no intention of doing so, as far as I was concerned Elena and I were done. I had ignored her for the past week when she called my cell, work, and home wanting to set me up with a new sub. I could only hope she would get the point and soon.

I haven't been able to set foot back in my room because I fear the memories that are held there. I know it no longer smells like Ana but I knew if I were set foot in the door it would all come back in a ten fold. I didn't know who to turn to so I went to Elliot. I had been vague but I told him about 'the girl', as I didn't want him to really know her name. He had already known because he tried to help me chase her down for a whole day and a half before 'fate' stepped in. I still had no idea who that was but Welch was still working on it. My dreams were filled of Ana but some were very...different. I couldn't be sure if it was a dream, a memory, or something I wanted in the future. I kept seeing a little girl with brown hair holding a big bird doll. The odd thing was that she had blue eyes, the exact same blue that Ana's are.

I've seen Flynn numerous times but he has no answers about the girl in my dreams. I told him about the progress I made with the new guest room and he keeps saying it's a step in the right direction. I open up to him about Ana and tell him everything, even about the sinking feeling I haven't been able to get rid of even though now it's been a week and a half.

"Christian why do you think you feel that way?"

"I don't know." I answer with the immediate response and then think about his question. He waits patiently for me to answer with a new answer. "I guess because I got to know her before. I talked to her, danced with her, shared quarter pounders and large fries with her. She's different."

"You mean you sought out this girl and you knew she wasn't sub material?"

I shrug. "I knew she was more. Her eyes they were like...a mirror or something. Even before we talked it felt like there was something there that was connecting us."

He nods. "I see. So you think she has a past like yours?"

"God I hope not." I pick up the cup of coffee that has now gone cold and start to gulp it down. "I just meant that she could see through my shit and see who I was. I mean there was one thing that she told me that really didn't surprise me as much as it should have, instead it kind of made if seem like I knew it before she said it. That's impossible though isn't it?"

I look at him and see him thinking about what I just said. Minutes pass as I listen to the sound of the clock ticking and then he finally answers. "Nothing is impossible Christian. I'm sorry time's up now. I apologize ahead of time for having to leave for a week."

"It's fine John. I managed for years before you I'm sure I can manage a week. I'm a big boy."

"I have no doubt about that Christian. I'll see you when I get back. Just remember that nothing is impossible."

I nod and head back to Escala. Knowing that I'll once again be spending a night at Elliot's I pick up some Wendy's on the way. I arrive at the apartment only to find that it's empty and that he left me a note.

Hey bro.
Have fun and help yourself to my movies and booze. I'm out with Kate for an impromptu date and probably won't be home til late.
-Lelliot

I laugh at the word 'impromptu'. It's not like Elliot to use words like that in a quick note so no doubt he was trying to make me laugh. Too bad I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing it. I grab the food and take the elevator upstairs in hopes that Taylor is hungry because I can't eat this much food by myself and I hate to waste. I walk in and see red when I see her in my living room. "What the hell are you doing here?! I thought I told you we were done."

"Oh Christian darling. I was just visiting you along with your mother."

My mother? What the fuck? I step towards her to tell her exactly what I think of her and none of those would be nice words when I'm stopped when I hear a door open.

"Oh! Christian you're back!"

I turn on my heel and set the food on the coffee table. "Mom. What a surprise. What are you doing here? Not that I don't love when you visit."

I give her a hug and she hugs me back. "Elliot called while I was out with Elena and said you might need some company. Elliot, no wonder he said I'd need the booze.

The visit goes as normal as it could, luckily it's over fast and they're gone. I'm surprised Elena didn't try anything but I'm also thankful. I hope she understands now and will leave me the hell alone. I make my way back downstairs and help myself to Elliot's alcohol. I drink enough only to make me want to go to sleep. I lay down on his couch and embrace the deep sleep that takes over.

The next few days pass uneventfully. I get up. I go to work. I come back to Elliot's. I sleep. It's the same routine. Welch hasn't been able to find out anything on who left the note, hell he couldn't even find a fingerprint. We still haven't found the tapes from when Ana came home with me. I was so close to giving up on finding her. Something held me back though. A feeling that fate would step again.

I didn't know just how right I'd be.

I didn't know that after 2 weeks of utter loneliness fate would indeed step in again.