Scene 6:
[The Merry-men walk on from the side of the hall and approach the guard.]
Little John:
Hello, we're the Merry-men. We're here for the award ceremony.Guard:
[Looks quickly at his paper.] I'm sorry but you're not on the list.Will Scarlet:
Are you sure?Guard:
[Checks again.] Quite sure.Friar Tuck:
Well can you tell us who is on the list?Guard:
Not unless you're on the list, which you aren't. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.Little John:
Don't worry men I expected this. Onto Plan B.[Merry-men troop off. Soon afterwards they return carrying teddy bears.]
Little John:
Hi, I'm Peter Pan and these are my lost boys.Guard:
[squints] You look remarkably familiar.Bradley:
Oh no, we're definitely not the Merry-men.Guard:
Some of your boys there have beards.Errol:
So?Guard:
So technically speaking they're too old to be boys.Errol:
I wouldn't say that too loud mate. That's ageist that is!Guard:
Well however old you are you aren't on the list. Please leave.Little John:
I was expecting that as well. Don't worry Plan C is much more cunning.[Merry men troop off again. Then return wearing saucepans on their heads and wielding cardboard swords.]
Little John:
I am Lancelot and these are my Knights of the Round Table.Guard:
Didn't you run off with King Arthur's wife?Little John:
Did I? Oh…yes. Sorry about that.Guard:
You're not on the list.Brian:
Really?Guard:
Yes really.Little John:
Hmmm. Unfortunately for us this guard appears to have more than the two brain cells required as standard for a security guard. It seems we may have to get even more cunning. But don't worry, I have the perfect solution! On to Plan D.[Merry Men leave. ]
Deep Voiced Narrator:
At that moment the writers realised that they had run out of cunning disguises for the Merry Men and jumped through a convenient plot hold, forward ten minuters and onto the arrival of the heroes.[Heroes walk in from the back of the hall through the audience. Across the stage is a large banner reading "Welcome Heroes to your finest hour"]
Lucy:
Gosh! Look at all these people.[They climb onto the stage and look around.]
Robin Hood:
They're here to see me. [Other heroes groan] Funny though there doesn't seem to be the number of celebrities you'd expect to see at such an event. Except me of course.Peter:
Actually he's right.Frodo:
He's what? Robin's not a celebrity.Robin:
[hurt] Hey!Frodo:
Well you aren't. But neither is Simple Simon over there. [blankness.] Robin Hood?Peter:
That's not what I was talking about. Where are all the celebrities?Sleepy:
Maybe they're coming later.Peter:
Maybe.Edmund:
[getting distracted] Golly-gosh, refreshments! Sardine sandwiches, with lashings of ginger beer. What luck!Arthur:
Sorry if I'm getting confused, but isn't it the Famous Five who drinks ginger beer?Edmund:
I don't know. Aren't we the same people?Arthur:
There being only four of you, I should think not.Edmund:
But weren't there only four in the Famous Five as well?Arthur:
In what possible way would that make sense?Edmund:
[thinks] Maybe they just preferred the number five. [pause] Can we have ginger beer anyway?Deep Voiced Narrator:
But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…Grumpy:
Look, he's doing it again. He's trying to butt in on the story!Deep Voiced Narrator:
But I'm part of the plot!Grumpy:
But you do this every time!Deep Voiced Narrator:
It's necessary! Can I do my line please?Grumpy:
[sulkily] I suppose so.Deep Voiced Narrator:
Thank you. [pause] But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…Robin Hood:
I like the banner but where're the trophies.Scott Evil:
[entering from the side] There are no trophies.Batman:
Are you sure?Cat woman:
Quite sure.Robin:
Then the narrator lied to us!Deep Voiced Narrator:
I did not! I simply read what was on the letter.[long pause as the heroes try and figure out what's happening. Scott Evil and the villains try to help them out etc]
Arthur:
So…Scott Evil:
Come on…Arthur:
The letter lied to us?Sheriff:
In a manner of speaking. [He walks over to the banner and pulls away the word finest to reveal final. Several guards enter and tie the heroes together. Scott Evil pulls a gun from his belt and aims it at Robin Hood.]Scott Evil:
Goodbye Robin.Robin:
[terrified] Goodbye.Scott Evil:
[scornfully] Not you. Why would I execute you first?Robin:
I don't know. How am I supposed to see inside the mind of a criminal mastermind? I'm just a dim but loveable sidekick.Robin Hood:
I thought we agreed that I was Robin.Sam:
No, you're Rob.Robin Hood:
Are you sure?Sam:
To be honest… no. But we had a talk and you're Robin…Rob. When we free ourselves I'll get you a nametag.Scott Evil:
Look whoever you are I'm going to shoot you now so it doesn't really matter whether you buy name tags or not, as you'll be dead in about ten seconds.Batman:
Wait a moment…aren't you going to leave us in an easily escapable situation with one inept guard?Scott Evil:
No I don't think so. I tried that in the last movie with Powers and it didn't work out.Happy:
[hopefully] You could try again.Scott Evil:
No, I don't think so.Deep Voiced Narrator:
Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, Robin Hood was thinking up a cunning plan…Robin Hood:
Was I?Deep Voiced Narrator:
Yes you are.Robin Hood:
Oh. Isn't that nice? [pause] What is it?Deep Voiced Narrator:
How should I know? I'm only the narrator. The plan is up to you.Robin Hood:
Oh dear. Ummmm…would something involving spoons work?Susan:
Of course not! How could spoons possibly help us?Robin Hood:
I don't know! I was hoping you could tell me. Maybe we could…Scott Evil:
Your time's run out, Mr. Hood. Prepare to die![black out.]
[artificial rewinding noise]
[light up]
Bashful:
Oh my god what's that?Dracula:
You don't really think ve're going to fall for that do you?Dopey:
You might. It was worth a go.Scott Evil:
[levelling gun] Prepare to die![black out]
[rewinding noise plays again]
[light up]
Deep Voiced Narrator:
[pointedly] Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, who should appear but the Merry Men![enter Merry Men wearing black sheets]
Little John:
[high pitched voice.] Hello, we're the nuns from Sister Act.Guard:
But you're men.Kevin:
So? Just because I'm a man does that mean I don't have the right to be a woman if I choose?Guard:
Well…yes.Kevin:
That's discrimination that is! You know what, I've had enough of you, can't be boys you're too old, can't be knights that's not a real sword…Guard:
I never said that.Cary:
You're only making it worse for yourself you know.Brian:
I'm sure somewhere in America there's a lawyer who will take up our case. I want to sue!Guard:
[hurriedly] Er… please go right through sir…I mean Madame…Brian:
Thankyou.[Merry men hurry onstage and draw their swords]
Little John:
Scott Evil, your dastardly plan is foiled!Scott Evil:
No, this isn't right! I could've already killed Robin Hood in at least two alternative dimensions. You're cheating.Arthur:
I always cheat.Scott Evil:
Not you!Deep Voiced Narrator:
Actually yes, I am cheating. Sorry villains, but the rules of storytelling clearly state that no matter what the odds, evil can never win. Good must always triumph!Sheriff:
But that's not fair!Deep Voiced Narrator:
It doesn't have to be fair. It's a story. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more lives to ruin. Dreams to crush. Jumpers to insult…[in the meantime, the goodies have been untied. Robin draws his sword and holds it to Scott Evil's throat]
Robin Hood:
I have defeated you, Scott Evil! You may have thought you had prevailed, but I, with my bravery, wit and cunning, have won through at last![Merry men groan]
Scott Evil:
Are you going to kill me?Robin Hood:
No, I'm not that kind of guy. Instead, I have thought up a hideous punishment for you!Saruman:
No, you're not going to lock us in a room with "Consider Yourself" playing on a continuous loop?Arthur:
Actually, no. But that's even better. Lets do that![cries of Nooooooo etc. from the baddies]
Wicked Queen:
[throwing herself to the ground] Please no, not that! We'll do anything! Anything!Batman:
[considering] Too late.[amidst cries of anguish from the baddies, the goodies turn to audience and proceed to sing and dance 'Consider Yourself'. On closing notes, black out]
