Dear Diary,
Well, I did it again. The thing I internally swore I wouldn't do again… wouldn't even think of again. Of course the second half was broken the moment I opened my eyes on that cold hospital slab and met Damon's dark eyes. But that part was pretty much inevitable. However, I thought I could handle not actually doing it. Doing it and thinking it are entirely different things. I can dream about it (unintentionally, of course) and not feel guilty because I didn't actually do it, and I didn't mean to dream about it.
Okay, so this probably sounds confusing. But I really don't know what got into me. I never know what gets into me when it comes to Damon; it's like some of him rubs off onto me and I become impulsive and I don't think about it before doing it, it was like that even before I turned. Homecoming. Stabbing Rebekah. The ball. Denver. Denver. That one was probably the worst.
So maybe if I write it out it will make sense to me. Can you read the skepticism in my handwriting? Damon wasn't (isn't) getting any better. He's gotten considerably worst in the whole two days since we figured out what this curse was all about. He's given up being strong and pretending that he's fine without blood and now he just stays in bed like me and Stefan told him to do in the first place. And that's probably what scares me the most. Because Damon doesn't just give up, he's never just given up. Well, I guess he has. He's given up on me. But I'm trying not to think of that right now.
I woke up this morning and had the brilliant idea that I was going to get him to drink blood one way or the other. And before I knew it I was standing in front of the boarding house, already dressed without even remembering how I got the clothes on. Stefan wasn't home. I didn't know where he was, or why he left Damon alone. Truthfully I didn't spare Stefan that much thought. Another thing I'm trying not to think of.
I went to the basement and selected a blood bag from the fridge, taking care to dig out the last AB negative. Damon's favorite. Don't ask me how I know that, I don't even know how I know that… but when I tried to think of what his favorite was it just popped up and I had nothing else to rely on but my own intuition. When I got upstairs, I heard voices. Damon's voice, low and unsmooth and someone else's. Meredith's.
"You should just-"
"I can't. How else can I say it to you? If I tried to bite you right now, I'd puke. No offense, sweetheart, but right now the smell of your blood is seriously giving me consideration to stain my bed sheets… or your very new looking sweater. But I really appreciate the offer."
A sigh. "Fine. But don't say that no one here cares about you because I tried to help you." Bed springs move and someone stands up, then the door down the hall opens and Meredith comes striding out. She doesn't notice me standing in the shadows until she's right near the edge, and you wouldn't believe how much I fought the urge to just reach out and push-
Alright, forget I wrote that. But he called her sweetheart. He's never called me sweetheart.
To cut it short, she jumped when she finally saw me standing there. She pressed a hand on her heart and laughed, totally oblivious to my thoughts towards her. "You scared me, Elena."
I think I mumbled a sorry. She smiled and it made me feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts about her, because really I have no excuse. She's always been nice to me and if that's not reason enough she was Alaric's… kind of girlfriend.
My semi pleasant thoughts lasted about a minute. When she noticed the blood bag clutched in my hand she piped up. "I wouldn't even bother trying. I've been here for an hour and no such luck."
I don't know what's wrong with me. I didn't even think before I snapped back, something about her not being me and how of course she wouldn't be able to get through to him. She stared at me oddly for a moment and then smiled awkwardly and muttered a good luck.
I was going to call after her… apologize and blame my stupid new vampire hormones, but something stopped me. I just remained frozen, standing at the top of the stairs until her footsteps faded away. Alaric would be so disappointed. In fact, he was probably watching the whole time and I'll probably hear it out from Jeremy later. He never did approve Damon and I's… relationship, not that he ever let me know it. All he ever said was 'Do you know what you're doing?" and "Be careful." But I saw the looks he gave us, when we were particularly close in the summer before Stefan came back. His eyes silently warned Damon when we'd drift too close to each other and they'd linger on the looks we exchanged. I know he must have said something to Damon, otherwise he wouldn't have snapped his neck that night. I always thought that he'd root for Damon, that maybe he'd actually not totally hate us together like everyone else seemed to. But he disapproved just as much and I think I was always unknowingly disappointed about it. He was the only one, other than Stefan and Rose that saw what I see in Damon. What I've always seen. I guess Meredith sees it too. I should be happy about that.
Damon looked bad. Of course, he was still beautiful and his eyes made my stomach do flips, but he looked like he had a mixture of the stomach flu, mono, and food poisoning. He looked... human. Or at least, not perfect like I've gotten so used to seeing him. I wish I could have seen him while he was human, known him while he was human. It's one of the things I envy Katherine for the most, the fact that she got to know both Salvatore brothers while they were still pure and good and untouched by death and darkness.
When he saw the blood bag in my hand, he smiled a little and said there was no way. He said if he wouldn't drink from the live source then why the hell would he drink a cold blood bag? I think I said something about how I hated seeing him like this and how I wasn't leaving until it was empty. He shot back that I need to stop trying to be a parent and get him to eat all his vegetables before he was allowed to leave the table, or something totally Damon-like. We kind of got into it after that, which I definitely should have refrained from doing so, seeing as it looked like it cost him alot of energy to fight with me. But even when he's sick, he still has the power to send me into a glaring, yelling mess. He always does.
It ended with me saying 'Please.' I was pretty dubious about it working, seeing how many times I've hurt him and screwed him over. I have nightmares that I wake up in the hospital, freshly turned and Stefan tells me that Damon died in that self storage unit, alone because I decided to turn the car around that night.
Well, it did work. He got silent in the tell tale way and scowled a little like a petulant child, looking at me like he hated me for having that ever-present power over him. He crossed his arms and sat down on the edge of his bed, and I had no choice but to walk up to him and stand in front. It was the closest we'd been since Denver, since we were pressed against a wall together, lips locked.
I tore the tube open and held it out to him slowly, and saw the revulsion and disgust land in his eyes at the smell. Finally, after staring at it for a moment, he reached out and placed the straw in between his lips. I watched the red liquid slowly move up until it landed in his mouth and he immediately flinched and tried to push it away, but I stepped closer and secured a hand on the back of his head so that he couldn't escape and the next part was torture. He struggled and moaned and writhed while I squeezed the bag into his mouth until every last drop was gone.
When it fell to the ground, he gasped like he had been holding his breath for minutes and that's when it happened. He just looked so... vulnerable. I didn't stop to think, big shocker right? Next thing I knew, I was flying at him and pressing my lips against his. It was like heaven. I could taste the blood on his tongue and feel his unshaven stubble against my chin and when he really started kissing me back it was better than heaven.
I don't even know how long we kissed for. At some point, I landed on his lap and we fell back onto the bed and I ended up under him. It was while he started kissing my throat that he froze. He looked up and we stared at each other in pure shock. And then he was across the room and I couldn't help the dissapointment that coursed through me. And the guilt.
He wouldn't look at me while I went to leave. Truthfully, I couldn't really look at him either because I did it again. I messed with his head while knowing that I'll have no choice but to go back to Stefan. Even if a big part of me just wanted to stay on the bed with Damon, forever.
At least he drank the blood.
Elena
A/N: Hey... sorry for the absense but I haven't really been feeling inspired lately. Wow, that was alot of Delena. I was going to wait to put a kiss in, but it was the only way I could get through writing this chapter so.. oh well.
Now, There are two chapters left after this one. I have no idea when TVD premiers because I have no intention of watching it until it gets better, but my guess is around Sept. 20th. I would like to have this finished before it comes on, since I'm sure you people will be too busy watching the show to pay attention to my little ol' story. Hopefully I'll get the rest written, but I'm not promising anything.
Anyways, I'll let you get back to your day. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please drop off a review, they always help me write more. :)
