Guilt
The next few days were one of the hardest. The weight of guilt lay on Jim's shoulders like lead. A promising young man's career had been cut short for no fault other than being hisroommate and for the innocent act of liking him. He could not see how he could forgive himself. This was not the first time people close to him had been hurt. Memories of Tarsus IV came viciously alive these last few days- the torture, the hunger, the fight to survive and the sacrifices. In the end, he hadsurvived, but lost everything in the process. He had no family left. His only brother Sam didn't want to be in his life anymore.
He had thought he had buried that chapter but after someone like Ivanov, who was not his family and had done nothing wrong at all except to know Jim Kirk, had to leave StarFleet because of him, Jim was devastated. He tried his best to carry on. Studying, eating, running but sleep eluded him. If nightmares were his constant companion in the past, now sleeplessness was. Not knowing the identity of the man who caused all this just made it worse.
Bones had reassured Jim that in spite of internal hemorrhage Ivanov was going to fully recover. So, Jim was left to stew on the whole issue by himself as life seemed to carry on for others.
Jim had started avoiding people. Unless he absolutely had to, he stopped talking to anyone. He was paranoid about who might be the next innocent victim. He concentrated all his energy on his studies and drowned himself in them.
His time on the bridge each evening was where he felt some peace as it was now. He spent sometimes hours there now, standing alone in the darkness, late into the night, in the comfort of his constant companions - the stars. The weather had turned cooler and it got chilly at nights. The cold made Jim feel alive. The dark waves lapping beneath him at the massive pillars on which the bridge stood were a soothing lullaby. He looked up.
Somewhere up there in dark sky Starships were being repaired, others getting ready to launch on missions. The historic win at the battle of Axanar had energized the federation and infused new vigor into StarFleet's vision of exploration and forging new inter-planetary friendships. Jim yearned to be on one of those missions. To leave behind all this mess of petty hatred and bigotry. Space - that final frontier - where he could forget everything. The vastness and sheer magnitude of the universe humbled him when his own problems threatened to overwhelm him.
Bones had backed off after it became clear Jim wouldn't talk about the incident. But he knew his doctor friend was worried about him. He couldn't blame McCoy but try as he might Jim just couldn't fake his depression in front of Bones. Jim had tried at first to distance himself from Bones but with the tenacity of a pit bull McCoy refused to let Jim be.
Then there was Spock. Jim didn't know what to do with Spock. The Vulcan never intruded but like McCoy he too absolutely refused to give up coming for breakfasts. So Jim was stuck with his two friends whom he saw every morning and worried about them becoming the targets of the madman. Reluctantly he admitted to himself that his sanity had been saved by their firm insistence on continuing to be part of his life. He must have done something right to earn the unshakable loyalties of such men. Or rather one such man and one such alien.
Not everyone felt the same about Jim though. He had attracted the wrath of an upper classman who had taken upon himself to be a pain in the ass. The Irishman seemed to take a particular delight in hazing Kirk. Kirk usually took such actions in stride but lately with everything going on in his life, he had started detesting the Irishman with a passion.
When Jim enlisted he was prepared to lose his life in service. Every Cadet was made aware of that. He doubted though if some of them realized the courage required. Jim had stared at death in face as a boy and that had molded his character. He neither feared it nor desired it. However, what he had not considered was the death or sacrifice of others for him. Ivanov's loss may not have been during a mission but if Jim was going to follow his dream of Captaincy then this was a possibility he had to face. There would be scenarios where others would be used as leverage to break him. How would he cope and be the man he wanted to be if he couldn't handle what had happened to Alexai?
A cold breeze blew making him shudder. It was time to go back. It was past mid night and he had to at least attempt to catch few hours of sleep. He turned away from his favorite spot and made his way back slowly, taking the time to breathe in the cool fresh air. His heart was heavy but he was digging deep, trying to find courage to accept all that had happened and stamina to go on. Some days like today Jim felt like he was a hundred years old. A life time of battles and scars and heart breaks had somehow all managed to fit in his very short life.
A snippet of an old earth poem by Henry Longfellow came to his mind as his feet carried the weight of a young man, who had seen more of life than anyone knew.
The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
Standing on what too long we bore
With shoulders bent and downcast eyes,
We may discern - unseen before -
A path to higher destinies,
Nor deem the irrevocable Past
As wholly wasted, wholly vain,
If, rising on its wrecks, at last
To something nobler we attain.
Notes:
The reference to battle of Axanar can be found in the TOS episode: "Whom Gods destroy". Here is an excerpt from Memory Beta:
"The Battle of Axanar was an armed conflict fought by the Federation at Axanar in 2251. Garth of Izar led the Starfleet forces in this battle, and his tactics there became required reading at Starfleet Academy. (TOS episode: "Whom Gods Destroy")"
