Author's Note
Well hey howdy hey folks! It's your buddy Phoenix Reece updating from balmy Florida. I came up here to visit my grandma for thanksgiving, and she's got a computer!! On an unrelated note, I now hate the apple corporation. Here's what happened when I tried to get my iPod Video repaired. (Its screen was cracked)
Me: Um excuse me, do you do repairs?
Cashier guy: Certainly sir, what model and year?
Me: Uh, I think it's a fifth generation Video, says 2007 on the back
CG: Ohhh, sorry sir, we no longer repair that model, but you can trade it in for a refurbished one!
Me: So wait, you've repaired these things in the past? Like, possibly a year or two after it's release?
CG: Uh-huh.
Me: And I can only assume you're going to repair and resell mine once I trade it in?
CG: Precisely.
Me: *disgruntled sigh* how much is the refurbished model?
CG: $130
Me: For a two-year old used iPod that you no longer repair?
CG: Yes.
Me: *A long series of enraged choking noises followed by a defeated sigh* Do you accept check?
A little random yes, but everyone enjoys having a nice rant now and again. I mean, aside from mocking people anonymously and porn, I think that's what the Internet was made for. But all this talk must be breaking the magic of the story, so let's get back on track. This is it! THE LAST CHAPTER OF FAMILY REUNION!
Family Reunion
Chunky was desperately trying to force his way through the crowds on his way to the stand selling funnel cakes, at the same time trying to keep an eye out for any sign of his father. He didn't want to keep Petunia waiting, considering how much she was doing for him right now. " I just wish she didn't ask me to dance, she knows I can't do stuff like that" He thought aloud. It's not that he couldn't dance, he just never tried. It was always too embarrassing anyway, when you're Chunky's size it's much less dancing and much more unwanted jiggling. He blushed a little at the thought of being laughed off the dance floor, embarrassing both him and Petunia.
"Better off this way, she just doesn't know it yet." He mumbled under his breath, finally reaching the snack stand.
Meanwhile, Disco was dancing his furry rump off on the stage. Flaky, on the other hand was standing off to the side, stifling her laughter at him as they sang.
Ooh child, I'll bring a blanket and I promise I will brush the ants off
Ooh child, you're gonna like it when we're taking each other's pants off
Outside
Cause it's the first of May, first of Ma-
Then, with a creek and a snap of wood, Disco disappeared from the audience's sight. The band abruptly stopped playing and several friends rushed onto the stage to find out what had happened. Flaky and the other band members, as they were closest to the accident, were shocked to find a portion of the stage had collapsed. On the ground underneath was Disco, mangled and maimed violently by a pile of sharp power tools that were messily stuffed underneath the stage. Manly others came to witness the most violent death of the day, including a certain green bear who had only come for Flaky's performance. Now Flippy had been fighting his demons for some time and since his arrival in Happy Tree Town, where gore and mutilation were so frequent, he had learned to stifle Evil in the sight of violence and mild reminders of the war, the only real triggers now were firearms and explosions. But, due to a recent string of Flip-outs, he now had considerably less control over Evil and at the sight of the mangled Disco he immediately flipped-out. He let out a low growl as his eyes changed to their familiar beastly yellow and began cackling sinisterly. Evil was now in control, and his eyes darted around for prey, landing on poor little Flaky. She began to breathe heavily, realizing what was happening and backed away, but Evil pounced on her, pinning her to the ground.
"Why hello sweetheart! Care to dance, or shall we just skip to the fun part?" He said, letting his hot breath graze her face and chest as he began to tear away her dress.
"Excuse me, but contrary to Mr. Disco's song, this is not the kind of behavior we endorse on the first of May." A triumphant voice called, causing Evil to turn and face Splendid, who had just arrived on the scene at the sound of the screams. Before the demon could draw his bowie knife to fight, the infamous hero reeled back and threw a bone shattering hook, literally breaking Evil's jaw and sending him flying into a tree, the subsequent impact shattering his spine. Flaky leapt into his arms as the hero consoled her, though for the other residents this was anything but a heart-warming moment for the other people gathered around the stage.
"Nice job Sniffles, you and Toothy Finally pulled it off!" Cuddles yelled to the crowd, "Twenty years and we've never had a death on the first of May, and you two mutilate Disco by screwing up the stage!" It was true, the first of May was such a joyous time of the year that everyone did their part to keep everyone else safe, and they hadn't had a death since twenty years ago, when Cub's mother…
Well, actually, we're getting away from the main story. We'll tell that one another day.
The angry crowd began to close in on Sniffles and Toothy, when Sniffles took a defiant step forward and yelled over the chanting of the mob "We didn't do anything! Chunky showed up and wanted to build the stage all by himself, so we let him! It's his fault, kill the koala, not us!"
On those words the crowd turned to Chunky, who had just returned with his snack. He stared blankly at them before realizing what was going on, dropped his funnel cakes, and sprinted in the opposite direction. He was actually outrunning them, and turned to blow a raspberry in their direction. Unfortunately he didn't notice the big yellow taxi that had pulled up in front of the park's front gate and ran into it headfirst. When his vision steadied, Chunky was on his back and looking up at a familiar large brown bear.
"D-dad?" he asked skeptically.
"Son, what's going on here?" He asked, his voice calm and tinged with a slight anger. He pointed to the crowd "And who are they?"
Chunky scrambled to his feet and nervously replied, "Uh, um, y'see, there was this little mishap with the construction crew"
"He ruined out celebrations and killed our lead singer!" A voice, Handy called from the crowd. The everyone else in the mob clamored in agreement.
"Is this true?" Grizzly stared down at him.
Chunky averted his gaze, and nervously muttered "Uh yeah, but it was an accident, y'see I," But before he had to make anything else up, a figure parted her way through the crowd. It was Petunia, a beacon of hope who could help him cover this mess up, but she looked different. Her eyes were only half open, her face bright red, and she stumbled left and right as she walked to him.
"DAD! This is my girlfriend Petunia, she can explain everything" Chunky happily introduced her to the confused bear.
"FUCK OFF!" Petunia shouted and shoved him backwards "I can hic talk for mahself you stupid fah-fah-hic fatass! Listen you stoopid ugly fat fuck, I hate you and I hic hate your stoopid father! Won't even fucking dance with me after all he stupid shit I do for you!" she grabbed something around her neck and threw it at him. "And let me, hic remind you about something! I'm A SKUNK! HEAR ME? A SKUNK!" And she turned and flipped up the back of her dress, revealing a long silky tail, and that she wasn't wearing underwear.
"AUGH!" Chunky flinched and tried to cover his face as Petunia sprayed him with skunk oil. He tumbled over onto his back, and through his smudged glasses he could see Petunia stomping off holding up one hand up to flip him off as she left. He felt blindly around the ground and found what she had thrown, it was his tri-force necklace he had given her on their first date. Chunky felt tears well up in his eyes when a large pair of hands turned him around.
"Chunky," It was his father, staring him straight on "What the hell is going on here, you didn't tell me Petunia was a skunk. And why are all these people,"
But Chunky interrupted him "It's all my fault, I'm sorry. I was lying to you in those letters. I just thought you wouldn't be proud of me so I tried to…"
"Hey old man! Give 'em over! This idiot ruined our festival, and we won't mind breaking your skull too!" Cuddles shouted from the group, stepping forward and brandishing a baseball bat.
"What'd you say to me punk?" Grizzly stood and growled, causing the little yellow rabbit to remember just how little he was.
"Dad, no. I did this, and I think they deserve to kill me for what I did today." Chunky said solemnly and stepped past his father toward the crowd.
"What, kill you?" He reached towards his son in fear, but he was already out of his long grasp.
"Dad, don't worry, I'll come back tomorrow. It's weird, but I can explain later." Chunky said without turning to face his father. As he stepped closer Cuddles raised the bat over one shoulder and Chunky closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in preparation for the killing strike. He heard the bat swing downward, and heard a wooden impact, but felt nothing. He opened his eyes to find Lifty and Shifty standing in front of him. Shifty held both his arms over his head to block the bat and Lifty stood nearby with his fists clenched in a boxing stance.
Chunky was so shocked, he could only speak after taking a minute to take in what was going on, "L-lifty, Sh-Shifty? What are you guys,"
"Doin'? We feel like we owe ya, after all we did to you and Petunia." Lifty chuckled.
"Yeah, and you know how much we hate owing people favors." Shifty added "Plus, while I may not care too much for dads, anyone who'd be willing to risk life and limb for his pa has got serious balls in my opinion." Chunky felt the large paw on his shoulder again and saw his father.
"You lied, and risked everyone's lives just to impress me?" He asked.
Chunky gave a weak smile, "Well, yeah I just thought you wouldn't be proud with a chubby nerdy waiter for a son…AUGH!" He felt the all-too-familiar paw on the side of his head.
"GOD! For a kid who gets such great grades you're so freaking stupid! Of course I'd be proud of you!" He groaned, but gave a warm smile, "though I appreciate the gesture."
"I'm sorry Dad, that was just so stupid, I don't know why I did it.."
"Don't apologize to me, apologize to them." He said and pointed to the crowd. Who was still standing there watching them, save for Lifty and Shifty, who were still beating on poor Cuddles. He stepped up to the crowd and apologized.
"I know what I did was stupid and nothing could make up for it.."
His father stepped forward " Unless of course my son and I rebuild your stage for a second festival tomorrow, which of course we are going to do." The crowd began to mumble and soon dispersed, accepting the offer, leaving only Chunky and Grizzly.
"Um, Dad, how are we going to rebuild the stage by tomorrow?"
"We're not. We're going to rebuild it by tomorrow night. Now let's get home, we're getting up at 3:00 AM" Chunky let out an audible groan as they called for another taxi.
…
"So," Grizzly asked as he picked up a large plank and held it over one shoulder "Petunia really was your girlfriend? Then why did you say she was a bear?"
"Well I figured you'd wanted me to be with a bear," Chunky looked up from the piece of wood he was cutting. "You'd always wanted to hook me up with Greta and…"
"I wanted you with Greta because you were severely overweight. I figured she could help you, it was unhealthy son. Besides, I'm married to a squirrel, why would I mind you dating a skunk?" Grizzly placed the piece of wood on the new stage's frame and secured it with a nail gun.
" I dunno, I didn't think of that…" He replied, and finished sawing the plank, and passed it off to his father. They had been working tirelessly since 3:00 am, talking about the whole event for the past nine hours. Chunky was working so precisely he seemed to be disarming a bomb, not building a stage But, even with their combined effort, they were only two people and the stage wouldn't be done until (hopefully) six. They were still working when Cuddles approached, and coughed loudly to get their attention.
"So I uh, heard about why you did all that, for your dad and all. I have to admit it was kind of brave, especially how you were totally ready to let me bash your skull in and all, so I want to help you build."
"Uh, Dad, what do you think?"
Grizzly gave a hearty laugh. "I think you just made a friend out of a foe! C'mere Cuddles, hold this in place while I screw it to this board." And Cuddles happily helped.
They kept working for a while, when Sniffles and Toothy came to the construction sight.
"Heh, Toothy, er, we wanted to apologize for last night. We really sold you up the river with your dad and we wanted to make it up for you." Sniffles said nervously.
"Yeah," Toothy said, tears in his eyes "I can't believe you two love each other so much. My dad and I never saw eye to eye because, well, you know. But after seeing you two I think Pa and I could make amends!"
And so two more showed up to help. And soon Pop did as well, reminiscing about the dumb things he did to impress his father back in the day. And Lifty and Shifty, still feeling like they owed Chunky a favor, or at least that's what they told him (Chunky suspected they were just being nice and didn't want to show it). And pretty soon almost the entire town had showed up to help them build a single stage, and by two in the afternoon it was done it its entirety.
Chunky stood back, sighing proudly at the work he, his father, and his friends had done. Grizzly put one hand on the top of his head, smiling proudly at his son. As they stood by the stage, another taxi pulled up, drawing everyone's attention. The door flung open and out stepped a short red squirrel. It was scarlet, Chunky's mother. Her eyes were dull, yet happy to not be working and she had a long bushy tail that almost matched the hair on her head. Tossing her suitcase aside, she walked up to her son (Who was now slightly taller than her) and embraced him in a warm hug.
"Ohh Chunky, my little pooky-pie. How are you, is school going well, you're keeping up your grades right, where's your girlfriend, is she sweet?" But, Scarlet's long line of questions was broken when she felt a spot on his head and her eyes snapped open. Letting go of him, she ran up to Grizzly, leapt four feet into the air and slapped him.
"You hit him!" she shouted
Grizzly, normally fierce, became nervous "I-uh, he was being bad!"
"You promised you'd stop doing that! Don't do it again!" She stared daggers at him.
"Yes dear, sorry dear…"
Chunky, who was on the verge of breaking down laughing, felt a hand, or a nub more rather, on his shoulder. It was Handy, with a worried look on his face.
"Chunks, we got a problem! Disco's still unconscious in the hospital, and even if he wakes up he won't be able to perform tonight, and Flaky's still too unstable. We don't have a singer!"
Scarlet's ears perked up "Excuse me, a singer? You need a singer?" She asked shyly.
"Yeah, Mom! You could totally be the singer, you have a beautiful voice!" said Chunky.
"Oh, nononononono! I was just kidding," She blushed "I was only joking, I couldn't possibly!"
"Aw c'mon scarlet, I still hear you singing in the shower at night! You've still got the pipes of a goddess!" Grizzly added.
"Well, I mean if you really think so…."
"Absolutely Mrs. Scarlet! If you could come with me we could work out a routine for tonight!" Handy said happily, and led her off toward where the band was practicing.
Most of the crowd that had come to help had dispersed by now, all headed home to prepare for the dance. Grizzly, noticing this, turned to his son "Hey, Chunky, let's get a bite to eat and get home so we can get ready for tonight, waddaya say?"
"I thought you'd never ask, I'm starved!"
…
Scarlet tapped the microphone nervously "Well, hello folks, I hope you've all been enjoying the first annual second of may dance. This is my first time in Happy Tree Town and I'd just like to say I'm honored to sing for you wonderful people tonight. So, let's hit it boys!"
She pointed to the band, who now consisted of Handy, Cuddles, and now Lumpy, playing saxophone (Which, at the time he probably believed was a ukulele, but regardless he played it well). The music picked up with a jazzy tune and Scarlet began to sing.
Stupid Cupid
You're a real mean guy
I'd like to clip your wings
So you can't fly
I am in love and it's a crying shame
And I know that you're the one to blame
Hey hey,
Set me free
Stupid Cupid
Stop picking on me
Chunky was enjoying the music from a nearby bench, still not confident enough to dance, especially not without Petunia. He sat quietly until a familiar female figure sat next to him.
The spoke in unison "I'm sorry"
I can't do my homework
And I can't think straight
I meet him every morning
At 'bout half-past eight
I'm acting like a lovesick fool
You've even got me carrying his books to school
Hey hey
Set me free
Stupid Cupid
Stop picking on me
"Petunia I can't believe I did this to you. I should have never tried to hide you from my father, you're a wonderful girl."
"Chunky, the punch was spiked. I don't hate you, though I was mad at you, I was drunk when I said that stuff to you."
" I deserve it"
" No, you don't."
"I at least owe you a dance"
Petunia cracked a smile "Then what are we waiting for?"
"This." Chunky stood and placed the gold necklace around Petunia's neck and pulled her up for a dance.
You mixed me up for good
Right from the very start
Hey, go play Robin Hood
With somebody else's heart
You got me jumping like a crazy clown
And I don't feature what your puttin' down
Well since I kissed his loving lips of wine
The thing that bothers me is
That I like it fine
Hey hey
Set me free
Stupid Cupid
Stop picking on me
On that last verse, the embraced in a tender kiss. A kiss that would have lasted forever had the magic not been broken by Grizzly.
"Heh, I guess Chunky wasn't lying when he said you were normally a good girl." The two pulled away, shocked and a little embarrassed.
Petunia blushed, "Um, Mr. Grizzly, about last night I,"
Grizzly interrupted "Don't have to explain, I've done worse after a couple margaritas. Speaking of which, I'm still not allowed in Mexico after the incident with the donkey" This broke the tension, and the three laughed, so much so that Petunia's flower fell off her head.
"Oh, let me get that for you." Chunky bent down to pick it up, and Lumpy, onstage, noticed he was crouching behind his father. Then, deep inside his dried apricot of a brain, this triggered a memory of an important task that he needed to perform for a friend. He threw the saxophone aside and dashed off the stage at Grizzly, pushing him over Chunky onto the ground. Chunky initially gasped, but he was soon comforted by his father's laughter.
"AHAHAAHAAhAHA! Chunky, how did you know I love that one? The ol' "you get behind him and I push" gag! CLASSIC! Oh son, you're a riot!" Chunky just managed a nervous laugh, and lumpy stood proudly.
"Y'see, you get behind him and I push! Just like you planned!" Lumpy laughed.
"Yeah, exactly as I planned." Said Chunky, as Scarlet announced over the speakers once again.
"Well, looks like we lost out saxophone player, but no big deal, I hated that song! I was a child of the 80s anyhow!" She said and whipped off her long dress, revealing a bright red skirt "Give 'em some real music boys!"
The band kicked up again with a powerful electric guitar, and Chunky took Petunia by the hand for another dance over the stars.
Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
That's O.K., lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes, lets get down to it!
Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Why Don't You Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Fire Away!
Heh, no too bad, little long though, if I do say. I just love that little koala! But, what do you think? And by the way, a few people got the WoW and TF2 references, but did anyone catch the less obvious reference in chapter 4? Well, maybe if you still don't get it maybe I SHOULD TELL YOU what it is ANOTHER DAY? In the meantime, can you LIGHT MY CANDLE for me, I'm going OUT TONIGHT .
Well, GOODBYE LOVE
This has been Ph-
Oh and the songs are Stupid Cupid by Mandy Moore and Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar
See ya around folks!
