Chapter 6:
A Brief (yeah right) Diversion
All right, there's supposed to be a huge speech here, but I'm shortening it. Basically, Daein invades Crimea, Ike finds a mentally ill princess, and everyone goes to Gallia. Yay.
"It's so hot out here," Gatrie said, whipping the sweat from his forehead. "Hot like me! I'm so hot, it's illegal! Who wants to see me strip?"
Everyone stared, wide eyed, at Gatrie, then they slowly backed away.
Titania was brave enough to speak. "Um…Gatrie? No. Do it, and I'll strangle you with my exceedingly long hair."
"Sub-humans suck!" Shinon yelled.
Ike blinked. "Subo-humano? Mucho frio!"
Soren slapped his forehead. "He's been saying that for the past SIX HOURS."
"Sub-humans suck, Ike," Shinon growled. "They're all hairy, and they…are ugly looking. Bah! I need a drink!" Shinon pulled out a huge bottle of whiskey and started chugging it down.
"Shinon, are you drinking?!" Rhys exclaimed. "That's a sin! SINNER!!!" Rhys tackled Shinon, started beat him with his staff, and screamed, "The power of our religion that was never named compels you!!!"
Soren sighed. "A little farther and we'll be out of these trees everyone. Then, I can get away from you brain dead ruffians…"
Somewhere else…
"…and that's when we lost them. But I sent a squad after them," a meek soldier stood before Petrine.
"Whatever…" Petrine growled. "So, that brain dead princess is prancing through the forest of Gallia. I for one hope she gets eaten by a giant rabid squirrel. How about you, Ena?"
Ena sighed. "I agree, ma'am…"
"Ha! You know when I first saw you, I thought the king had some unknown daughter that he wanted to spoil. But, you've proven yourself!"
"…whatever…" Ena left.
"Now…to hunt them down like dogs!!!"
Back to Ike and everyone…
"Okay everyone! Combat positions! Now! Or else I'll have you skinned and place your skin at the foot of my bed!" Greil shouted.
Everyone started. "...that's…disturbing on many levels…"
Silence. Finally Titania broke it. "Well, I guess Daein wants us all killed, huh?"
"Duh, you red-haired wench," Soren hissed. "Why do you think they're following us? What do you think we're doing? Playing hide-and-go-seek?"
"Hide-and-go-seek?" Rolf squealed. "I love that game!"
"Well Rolf," Oscar said. "You're going to have to play it for a long time with Mist and Princess No Brain. We're dividing up our army and meeting the ambush."
"Divide and conquer!" Boyd shouted.
"Divido conquero? Mucho Frio!" Ike shouted.
Soren lost his temper. "SHUT UP IKE!!!!" Soren tackled Ike to the ground and began to clobber him with his heavy spell book.
"Hey!" a voice shouted from outside the trees. "Those mercenaries, who kill people, are here! Ambuuuuush!!"
"You suck, Soren," Shinon growled. "You just told the Daeins, who suck, that we, who suck, are here…which sucks!"
"Well, it doesn't matter," Oscar said. "Rolf, Mist, you take Airhead over there and run through the trees to the gate. The rest of us will distract them. Okay? Okay."
Greil nodded. "Gatrie! Shinon! Follow me, now!!" Shinon, Gatrie, and Greil left.
Map Clear: Escape
You know what? Who cares about the idiot Ranger and his half insane pack charging through, killing everyone, and escaping? Let's follow Mist, Rolf, and Elincia.
"O-M-G! I like, totally broke a nail!" Elincia shouted.
"O-M-G! That's like awful!" Mist came to comfort Elincia.
Rolf blinked. "Um…Mist, Elincia. We need to go…"
"You're so insensitive, Rolf!" Mist and Elincia began to cry. Then, Rolf began to cry. And for about thirty minutes, they cried.
Thirty minutes later…
They were all dehydrated from crying that they decided to take a drink from a river. When Elincia went to take a drink, a rabid piranha jumped out of the water, latched onto Elincia's dress and pulled her under the water where she drowned. But…as Mist and Rolf were staring in awe at her mangled, lifeless body floating down the river, Elincia suddenly spawned up again behind them.
"How did you…?" Rolf asked.
"Teehee! I'm like, totally one of the main characters! I can't die!" Elincia squeaked.
They continued through the forest when they came upon a Daein soldier. He was so surprised that he launched a Javelin through the air and it stabbed Elincia. She screamed so high pitched, that the soldier's sensitive ears began to bleed. Then, Elincia died and the soldier died from blood loss. But of course, after about 20 seconds, Elincia spawned up again and they continued to walk.
Elincia died many more times along the way. A branch crushed her, a rabid hedgehog fell out of the sky and ate her, she tripped and a pointy rock stabbed her in the heart, Rolf killed her, an army of ants infiltrated her lungs and she couldn't breathe, she bled to death from a paper cut, she ran with scissors, she choked on a coin, she was buried alive by mice, she caught fire, got struck by lightening…and…many more ways as well. But, finally, after watching Elincia die and re-spawn 186 times, they finally met up with Ike.
"We made it! Yay!" Ike squealed.
"Brother!" Mist shouted. "Did you know Elincia…"
Elincia pressed her index finger against her lips. "Sh…Mist, don't tell him…"
Rolf groaned. "Aw…"
"Well," Titania said. "We need not to worry about my knight in shining armour, Greil!"
Ike thought for a few seconds. "Elincia, go with Mist and Rolf to Gallia, we have to go back and see father."
Titania swooned. "We're coming soon, Greily…"
