This is a Harry Potter & Familiar of Zero Cross Over Fanfiction Only.

I can't believe that I have to buy the books of that fraud, I mean it, I know for a fact that Gilderoy Lockheart was the single worst wizard that ever lived. The man was a class clown through his seven years at Hogwarts.

I have argued bitterly with my friend the Hat that he should have stuck him in Hufflepuff, at least there maybe something could be done about the man's ego. A little lesson in humility would have prevented this. No, he placed him in Gryffindor of all places, a place for the brave and loyal.

As I walked toward the last place I wanted to see, normally I love that shop, their selection of books was wonderful, but today that clown was having a publicity event, a public appearance and book signing event.

"I can't believe we have to be forced to buy the books of that idiot. I can cast fire spells, I don't need that garbage to kindle my fireplace." That is when I saw Draco and his father. He was looking at Lockheart the same way I was, well that is surprising.

"You are quite right Lord Potter, I find buying those books a waste of my money. While we may not be blinded by that person's gilded presence, not everyone shares our opinion. I can feel the glares of every woman who heard us don't you?"

I looked at him and nodded my head, "Well Lord Malfoy, I find it that the truth is preferable. At least they know my true opinion on the man's books. I swear that if that idiot even thinks about using me as a way to get to the first page of the Prophet, I will have a stern talk with the idiot that prints that."

He for one looked at me with a rather amused look on his face. "I would expect no less, have you seen the poor family over there, I think the Weasleys are having a hard time buying the books of the very clown we been talking about."

I don't need the books of this idiot, but my friend Ron clearly did. I walked over to the counter and paid for a complete set of school books, the man who owns the bookstore was always nice to me, but thanks to my comment I guess he didn't like the way I talked about Lockheart.

I placed my entire purchase in the hands of Ron, and wouldn't you know it, Lucius actually gave the youngest of the Weasley, I think her name was Ginny, a book of his own. "I like to do something nice for the least fortunate." Somehow Lucius knew what I was going to say, or maybe it was just a lucky guess.

Gilderoy saw me and decided to grab my arm, "Harry Potter here to buy your school books, how admirable. You, of course, will get two delightful presents from yours truly, a complete signed set of books and you will get the pleasure of learning from the author. That is true, you heard right my dearly beloved patrons, I will take the post of Professor of the Defense Against The Dark Arts this year at Hogwarts."

I looked at him and whispered something, "Either let me go, or get used to doing everything with your left arm, cause you are liable to lose that arm." He asked me what would be the harm in a little publicity, then I told him that if that was the case, I could tell the crowd about his use of polyjuice during his fifth year to sleep with the Head Boy at the time.

That got him to release my arm faster than if I had cut it off. Since I was free to go home I decided to drop by the nearest pet shop and buy Morgana a little gift. A stone that had been made to help bird take care of their feet.

My investments were doing great, and my shares in the Prophet had grown quite a bit. I specifically told the bank manager that I wanted all dividends from that stock to be used specifically to buy more shares of the newspaper, he actually agreed with me.

Second year and once again to keep appearances I had to use the fireplace near the station again. As I walked towards the barrier I slammed against the barrier and did not open. "If you don't open this immediately I will say to hell with it, and I will use floor power do get there, the only difference is that I will find the family that put you up to this, and I will slaughter them!"

That is when a house elf dressed in ragged came out of hiding, "Dobby is sorry that he blocked the path to the train, but the great and powerful Harry Potter must not attend Hogwarts this year, there is a danger that I dare not, can not speak off. To lose the great and mighty Harry Potter would be a tragedy beyond words."

I began to shake my head, "Dobby while I appreciate you caring about my safety, I assure you, there is no danger in that castle, I already met and established contact with the serpent in the chamber, she is actually a good friend of mine. So you see Dobby I am not in any danger but my friends are."

He began to cry and try to dry his tears on his dirty pillow case that he used as his clothes, I simply could not stand him doing that, I took out my handkerchief and offered it to him, big mistake on my part it seems.

"I knew of his power and might, but to think he had such a compassionate and kind heart that he would even offer his own handkerchief to a lowly wretch like Dobby, oh, I simply never expected this." He began to cry even more and louder, damn it, he was making me feel even more guilty.

"If you understand Dobby open the way, I must keep my friends safe." He clicked his long and bruised fingers and the doorway opened. I stepped in and asked him to please take care of himself. I walked away with my few things I was carrying as fast as possible.

I got on the train and found a nice compartment to sit in, and without any more interruptions or problems began reading my new book. A thousand way to hex, curse, and charm people, a guide to impress friends and deal with enemies. If anything the way this book was written made me laugh more than anything.

Hermione and Neville finally came into the compartment, Neville probably thinks I would not let others bully him. He would be correct in that regard. The only problem was that Hermione was looking at the cover of the book I was reading. "Do you have a problem with my reading material Hermione? Guess you don't like comedy then."

She sat in the seat in front of me and asked me how in the world would a book that talked about killing people be considered comedy, I told her that it was simple, the ways that this book was written was ridiculous, there was no way any killer would actually do the things the way the book was written.

As the train began to move I read a few of the things on it, by the end of the trip she and Neville were both laughing their heads off. "See I told you, it was a comedy book. Come on, we have to go and ride a carriage, only first years ride the boats."

Neville was disappointed, he said that the boat ride was probably better than the carriage being pulled by those scary winged zombies like horses. I could not understand why am I the only one that appreciates the beauty of the Thestrals. I asked the lunch lady for an apple before I got off the train.

As we walked Neville looked at the thestral that would be pulling our carriage. I went over to her and began to pat her back and rub her head, I put the apple in my open hand and she ate it in a single bite, "Thank you for getting us to the castle." I was about to walk away when she turned her head and gave me the equivalent of a kiss on the side of my head.

Hermione was glaring daggers at her. I went into the carriage and the carriage took off rather quickly. "Do you have to be that nice to those kinds of creatures?" I told her that the thestrals pull all the carriages for the students from second to the seventh year. I would be impolite if I didn't show them some appreciation.

I even told her I had friends that she would find scary, I had a dragon friend, a werewolf was in my hunting lodge and I owned a home where my neighbors were in fact vampires. I even had a sort of demonic relative, but then again Uncle Ocelot doesn't like me calling him that.

All in all, I told her I found thestrals no different than any of my friends, so that is exactly how I treat them, as my friends. The welcome banquet was nice as was the one last year, except for one thing, the idiot sitting at the faculty table, I guess hell was having a bit of a snowy season because for once I and Snape actually looked at each other and we both agreed on something.

We both hated the notion of that clown teaching anything in the school. I was sorely tempted to go down to the chamber and asking my friend Nagisa to petrify the idiot, but then again I thought against it, she has a hard enough of a life without having to endure the trauma of looking at that thing.

"As you might notice Gilderoy Lockheart has decided to put his career on hold and occupy the empty spot as a teacher of Defense Against The Dark Arts, I am certain that someone, as experienced as himself, would be able to bring his many years of experience." As almost on cue Gilderoy Lockheart stood up and looked at the student body.

"Thank you, Headmaster, it will be an honor to educate and let the students learn from my vast experience and knowledge, to those that don't know I am Gilderoy Lockheart, an Honorable member of the light defense league, and five times consecutive winner of the most dazzling smile by Witch Weekly."

I could not help but think that he was if anything an idiot with an over inflated ego. I was so disgusted by the presence of that moron that I decided to ask for something to help calm my stomach, apparently the only thing the house elves had was a blue milky drink, and when I saw Snape getting the same thing, I held up my glass and so did he as we both nodded and drank it in one gulp.

I swear the thing tasted foul, but compared to Gilderoy, basilisk venom would probably taste sweet, come to think of it maybe I will ask him if there was anything to save a person's life from ingesting basilisk venom, no that would be too easy, every idiot knows that a bezoar would save a person in that case.

I decided to have something light for my meal and went down the corridor towards the dungeons, that is where one of my friends lived, inside the painting. As I looked at the portrait of Salazar I found my friend and he slithered to be clearly visible.

"Something is bothering you, Harry, you never come to pay me a visit unless something really upsets you. So tell me, Harry, what could possibly upset you this much, so much that you pay me a visit on the first day of class. Not that I mind, you know you are always welcome to pay me a visit."

I looked at him and began shaking my head, "We have an absolute useless imbecile and he is supposed to be a teacher. If anyone other than the Bloody Baron knows how I can deal with this pest, it is you. So how am I supposed to deal with this pest? How can I stomach having that thing teach me anything?"

My serpent friend seemed almost amused, he kept sliding from one side of the painting to the other till he finally stopped. "I say you don't need to dirty your hands on that piece of garbage, use what my house is so well known for, be cunning. Let the fool talk, let him boast and let him make excuses, their kind is always exposed in the end, the truth always comes out."

"Potter your house entrance is on the other side of the castle, mind telling me why you are here in the dungeons?" I turned around and looked at Snape he was clearly not in a good mood, neither was I truth be told.

"I felt like I needed some moral support, and since the house ghosts and painting are too busy for the welcome of the first year students, I decided to talk to a good friend of mine, or should I wait here to tell you my troubles, Professor Snape?"

He looked at me and smiled, "No, Potter, you should not tell me your troubles, that job is for your head of the house. I will make an exception tonight, you are probably frustrated at the notion that Lockheart will teach D.A.D.A. I admit I am not happy about being rejected once again from being allowed to teach that class."

I looked at him and began shaking my head, "Well if you actually taught that class, who would teach Potions? You do know that position is cursed, don't you? It doesn't take a genius to figure that it must be since every teacher for over a decade has not lived to teach two years in that class."

"So you figured out that He Who Must Not Be Named cursed the job of teaching that class, but you still don't like Lockheart teaching it. You know if he remains for an entire year the world would be a much better place, at least it would be free of one credit stealing clown."

I began to walk away and asked him would that really make such a difference when they were just so many like him out there in our crazy and magical world? I swear the man began to laugh as I walked away from him. Never thought that he actually had a sense of humor, even if it was a bad one.