Chapter 7 Waking Up
As soon as Sam shut the door behind him and breathed in some of the mountain air he felt a bit better. He took a look around trying to decide which way to go. One path seemed to lead the lake, another went behind the house and a third headed off into a forested area. He shrugged and headed to the water. Mountain sounds filled the air, wind rustling the leaves, birds chirping, scurrying in the underbrush. It was odd to not hear city sounds, he felt like he should be hearing more than he was. Jessica would have loved this spot, she came from a rural area and had always talked about how revitalizing being outdoors was. They had done a few hikes and camping trips but Sam never really got into it. He enjoyed them because he had been with her. He actually proposed to her on a hike. He had wanted it to be all about her. She had always wanted to see the Redwood Forest in California. So he had surprised her with a trip one Spring Break. He planned the trip to happen during a full moon, and proposed to her by a campfire the night of the full moon, surrounded by the enormous trees. They missed a few days of school to make it work but they were both straight A students and figured they had deserved a break. God he missed her so much.
Dean, on the other hand, would have been bored out of his wits right now. Sam had planned on introducing Jessica to at least Dean at some point, he had told her a few things about him. She had felt that Dean was a complete asshole for not staying in contact with Sam. Sam hadn't been able to explain how complex and deep their relationship really was. He had seen the Impala and his Dad's truck drive by the school or Jessica's place a few times, he had been raised to be aware of his surroundings after all. Besides those two vehicles weren't exactly inconspicuous. He felt that if the two of them had wanted to actually talk they would have. Sam knew that thinking about Jessica was a way for him to avoid thinking about Dean but he needed to deal with both of the losses. It disturbed him that the death of his father was the least painful. He thought he should feel more about it but John was such an absentee father that the only thing the two of them shared was a relationship with Dean. Looking back Sam could admit, at least to himself, that one reason that he and his father had constantly fought is that when he was back Sam got less of Dean's attention.
Things ran smoother when it was just he and Dean. They had their routine, they knew what was expected, they backed each other. Dad would show up and Dean's whole focus would become about trying to please his Dad and not questioning orders. It was like he stopped thinking for himself. Dean and Dad would bond over weapons and fighting and as Dean got older women. Sam became the odd one out. When Dad left he and Dean would grow close again. A sudden thought hit Sam that Dean never really got to develop his own personality. When Dad was around he became Dean the obedient son when Dad was gone he was forced to become Dean the substitute dad and provider. Dean had loved both his brother and his father. Sam realized now how much it must have hurt Dean when he had left. He couldn't choose between the two because he loved both equally. Sam and John were quite honestly the two sides of Dean. Sam started to think about how life must have been for John and Dean after mom had been killed. Dean would have had to try to keep his dad sane in some way and care for Sam, who was an infant. Looking at how shattered he was when Jessica died he could begin to see how his Dad must have felt, plus having the burden of two children he had to keep safe. As soon as that thought hit Sam he almost collapsed under the weight of it. He looked around for a place to sit and discovered he had reached a small boat dock. Walking out onto the dock he braced himself against the tie up poles for the boats and slid down to sit on the dock, unable to stand any longer.
"Damn it Dean, I was such a selfish kid. I never thought about how close you and Dad had to have been. How he must have watched over you just as you did me. You respected and obeyed him because he had earned it, just like when push came to shove I obeyed you. I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry. " Tears started running down Sam's face and he really didn't care. He sat there for a long time imagining life on the road for his father and brother and how they had struggled to survive. He removed himself from the equation as an active participant but looked at it from the perspective of his father. The worry, the constant fear, the absolute necessity of keeping his children safe from the horrors of the night. Learning about what was really out there and what had killed the love of his life. It wasn't hard to do. He and Dean had worried about each other but when they hunted they were adults, they knew the risks and how to keep safe, mostly. When his dad had first started hunting he had to leave his children alone to keep them safe. No wonder he was so paranoid and held on so tight to his sons. Those days on the hunt, Sam knew that his father spent hours on end wondering if his sons were still safe. That was why he had drilled them so hard and had embedded into Dean's head that he had to protect Sam at all cost. Sam remembered that his Dad's last words to Dean were that if he couldn't save Sam from the demon blood he would have to kill him. His Dad never got a chance to tell Sam about the blood and he never found out how his father had discovered what had happened that night in the nursery. Looking at things from his father's perspective the amount of pain that must have caused his Dad, Sam couldn't imagine, then to have that be his parting words to his oldest son. The emotions that started rocketing through Sam were so complex and intense his stomach literally cramped and he couldn't breathe. Every interaction with Dean and his father took on whole new shades and underlying emotions.
His throat was parched from trying to breathe, his face covered in tears , he was dry heaving because of the intensity of emotions when he heard footsteps on the dock. He had lost track of time but when he looked at his watch he saw that it had been about an hour since he left the house.
"Sam?" It was Felicity. She sat down near him but made sure she was giving him space. " I've been watching you for awhile. I, well I know you wanted time to think but I don't think you should be alone. So, here I am. I brought some hot chocolate or water. I've been through a few crying binges and it's usually a toss up as to which one I want. Well that or a rum and coke but that's not an option for you right now. " She set down a water bottle and a thermos by him. "If you still want to be alone I'll go back to the house. I just, well, just know I'm here. " She started to get up.
"Stay, please stay. " his voice was hoarse and shaky. She sat back down but had moved closer to him. She put her arm around him, as soon as she did that he collapsed against her. He buried his head into her stomach, his arms wrapped around her waist and he held onto her so tight she could barely breathe. His whole body shook against her and in chopped up phrases and sentences Sam told her everything. He told her about the demon blood in him, about the fires, about his father, about his love for his brother and the ties that were so deep and complex between them should couldn't even begin to comprehend. He told her about the new revelations he had about his father, how he had been so selfish, how he had been forced to watch Dean die. Once the words started they wouldn't stop. Felicity's back started to cramp because of the way Sam's weight was pushing on her but she didn't want to interrupt him. She held him and listened to all of it. When her legs started going numb though she shifted a bit. Sam had stopped talking a bit earlier and was just laying there trying to regain control, or so it seemed to her. He sat up a bit, taking some weight off her.
"Sorry, legs are going numb. I just need to shift them a bit. I'm ok. " She said.
Sam realized those were the first words she had spoken since he collapsed onto her lap. .
"You should have said something. " He said. She shrugged her shoulders.
"I'm used to sitting in awkward positions for hours. I work on computers, it sort of happens. Ow, pins and needles, in the feet, ow! I hate that part. " She stood and hopped up and down a bit. "Ok, that's better. " Then she looked down at Sam. His face was a mess, streaks of tears and from his eyes and snot from his nose were drying, his eyes were red and puffy. She gave him a quirky little smile.
"It's nice to know that men don't look attractive after a crying binge either. " She bent down and gave him a tight hug. Then stood up and put her hand out to help him up. He looked at her, a bit confused took her hand and stood up. He had just bared his entire soul and she didn't seem flustered at all. She wrapped an arm around his waist and started walking back to the house. She had known about most of the events he talked about, the level of his emotions regarding them was something she wasn't sure how to deal with. Oliver and Diggle had told her that if he had started talking to let him talk so she had. There were many times she had wanted to say something comforting but nothing she could think of to say seemed adequate. She realized though that she had to say something.
"Sam, I don't know what to say. I know that you needed to let all of that out though and I am glad that I was there for you so you could. You, Oliver, Diggle and probably Dean too, you carry so much inside of you all the time. I know there are reasons that you lock emotions away, I'm starting to understand that. You have to control your anger, your rage, your pain or else you become a danger to everyone around you. Oliver had some bad moments and Diggle had to help him through them, Diggle has had his. You guys all seem to know what to say to each other, or not say, to get your heads back on straight. I am sure you and Dean had that connection as well. I don't know the words. I guess I am not fluent in Alpha Male Warrior speak yet. Oliver told me something when we were getting ready to fight those demons. He said that I was important to him because I kept him from turning into a cold and heartless monster like those demons. It meant a lot to me, because what he does is important and any way I can help I will. He's the first person to ever take me seriously, most people think I am some freak being a woman into computers. Most of my male counterparts think I get by on my looks and that I don't know how to do my job, even after I show them up. Oliver and Diggle, they respect me.
It's just that all these things you carry inside, if you leave them there they just destroy you. I can't erase them from your mind, I wish I could. All I can do is listen and hope it helps. " She squeezed his waist again, he put an arm around her shoulder and squeezed back.
"It did. Thank you. " Sam took a deep breath. He felt more stable than he had in months. He looked down at Felicity "Do I look that horrible?"
"Oh yeah. Look ." She pointed at his reflection in the window. He started laughing. There he stood, snot running down his nose, eyes red and puffy and all he could think of was if Dean saw this he would never live it down. In his mind he heard Dean's voice "Look at you, I can't be out in public with you looking like that. You'd scare away all the hot chicks."
'I guess I should get cleaned up. I do look pretty damn bad." They walked into the house and Sam headed to the bathroom to wash his face.
Felicity went to her room , shut her door and started to shake. Now that the crisis was past she started to let the enormity of what Sam had shared settle in. Dear God, how much pain he was in! He had been holding onto all of that for years, the things he had seen, the violence, the deaths. How did any of the men she cared about deal with this? She remembered all the frustrations and pain in her life, the looks and the rumors about how she was getting jobs, the jobs she didn't get because she wasn't "one of the boys". She had always had to be 200 times better than anyone else to get a job that paid 50% less. The endless hours of reading about coding and networking, the lonely nights, the lack of friends. None of that compared to what she had just heard from Sam or what she knew of Oliver's and Diggle's past. These men, they had seen the worst in the world and they kept fighting to save others. That was the reason she did what she did to help. If they could get up every day and try to make the world better carrying the burdens they did she damn well could to. She was torn though, she felt that what Sam had shared with her had been in confidence but she needed to tell Oliver something. This was something that she knew Oliver had been waiting for. She decided to go for minimal information, he usually figured the rest out on his own anyway. She grabbed her phone and texted Oliver and Diggle "Sam's talking about the past. I think he is getting better. Wanted to let you know. " That would be enough. They didn't need to know the details.
Oliver looked at the text from Felicity and smiled. He and Diggle were sparring at the club.
"Looks like the mountain air is helping. I think having Felicity around him was the right choice. It gives him some semblance of a home, which I don't think he has had much of." Oliver said
"Good, have you given any more thought to what I said about talking to her about a possible crush from him? He's vulnerable. " Diggle replied as they moved through their sparring session
"Yes, I will get a better read when I head up there. I don't think that is happening though. He's finally dealing with his fiance's death along with Dean. I don't think there's room for new emotions in him right now."
"Do you think you should head up there? Seems he is more stable with less people. "
" I do. For one, I don't expect Felicity to be the only one watching him. She didn't sign up for that and secondly you and I both know that the rage will come next. We know the pattern well don't we? Rage always comes up after you open old memories that you've repressed instead of faced head on . I will not put her in the way that. That is not her job, that's mine. He's still dangerous, something will trigger him. He doesn't know how to stand alone yet. We just replaced Dean with Felicity, just like Jessica replaced Dean and his father. " Oliver stated
"Yeah I know." Diggle stopped moving and stared out the window. "Rage is the one that will show his true colors. God I hope we're doing the right thing."
"So do I Dig. So do I. " They finished their sparring sequence. Oliver went home to take a shower and head to the lake house.
