JANUARY


Jan 4th

Alright, I'm back. I forgot to take my diary home for Christmas because, obviously, I'm a retard. As predicted, Fred and George spent the whole time mercilessly taking the piss out of me. I didn't mind too much, though - I'd rather get teased for having a girlfriend than for not having one. I even started thinking - having not seen her for a whole week - well, maybe Lavender's not that bad, maybe I should be happy I've got a girlfriend at all and stop driving myself nuts over something I can't have. And I'd sort of decided, Ok, that's what I'll do, that's the sensible thing. I mean, Lavender's pretty, she likes snogging, she actually seems to like me... I should just put up and shut up, shouldn't I? I was actually quite pleased with myself because I'd finally made a grown-up decision, woo!

-----

But that was yesterday. That was me actually able to make a proper decision because neither of them were there to confuse me again. Easy enough to say that yesterday. Easy enough to say when I hadn't seen her for a fortnight either. She didn't even send me a Christmas card. Mind you, I didn't send her one either. I did think about writing to her, though. I even started a couple of letters, but I knew I'd only screw it up. Words are not exactly my strong point. Not sure what is my strong point. I asked Harry and he looked embarrassed and took far too long to come up with: "You're funny". Yeah. Cheers. That's definitely a talent I can harness in my future career. Girls don't want funny, everyone knows that. They want the smart, cool, good-looking boys. Not the stupid lanky ginger ones! Oh, I asked Harry about Slughorn's party as well, and he said he didn't think it went very well, with Hermione and McLaggen. So that cheered me up for about a nanosecond.

-----

Oh, my God! You will not believe what Lavender got me for Christmas! (Oh, obviously, I didn't dump her yet. I am proud of being a coward!). Yeah, so she got me this truly hideous cheap gold necklace with - urgh! - "My Sweetheart" on it. I honestly thought I was going to puke. I thought Harry might die laughing. I've made him swear never to mention it to anyone. Especially Fred and George. Especially her. Can you imagine what she would think? I didn't get Lavender anything for Christmas, because I was sort of hoping she might dump me over it. That's how cheap I am. At least she actually bought me something, even it did SUCK. Anyway, I'd already spent all my money on Hermione's present. That's pretty classy as well, isn't it? I bought Hermione a present, but I didn't get Lavender one. King of romance, me!

-----

So, anyway, I must have been in the bloody bookshop for hours trying to find the perfect book which would somehow sum up everything I wanted to say to her. In the end I got her this one because I thought I recognised the name of the Muggle writer. See how it helps to pay attention! I had a quick look through and it didn't really seem like her sort of thing, to be honest. More like something my mum would read, you know, bird in a bonnet fancies bloke in tights but - oh no! - he's engaged to someone else, blah blah. Anyway, the shop was closing so I didn't really have much choice. Then I sat there staring at it for ages trying to think what to write in it. Eventually I wrote "Dear Hermione, I hope this will "persuade" you to talk to me again! Happy Christmas, love Ron" (Because the book's called "Persuasion", you see? Yeah, it's not one my best efforts.) I thought it still needed something else though, so I added "PS: I'm really sorry about everything." Then I lost my head a bit and wrote a load of other stuff I really shouldn't have done, instantly regretted it, freaked out, threw the book across the room, and some of the pages tore in half. Brilliant.

-----

Anyway, it doesn't really matter because obviously, there's no way I'm ever going to give it to her. It's been six weeks. She'll probably never talk to me again. I saw her today, and she completely ignored me. She said hello to Harry and Ginny, but she didn't even look at me. And even worse, while I was standing there feeling like pond scum, who should come screeching over but Lavender. You can imagine how happy I was to see her, especially in front of Hermione. She came up and threw her squid arms around me and gave me a big wet kiss which I just about managed to wriggle out of, but it was too late by then, Hermione had gone.

-----

I get another chance to make myself look a prat in front of her as well, because they're starting doing Apparition lessons in February. Knowing me I'll just manage to Apparate my foot or something. Wish I could Apparate every time I see Lavender. She's doing my head in already. I must dump her before my birthday. No way am I getting another one of those rubbish necklaces from her. She asked me today why I'm not wearing it! Yeah, Lavender, I really want to have the piss taken out of me by the entire school! Can you imagine what that little shit Malfoy would say? Anyway, that's March, so that's ages away. There's no way I'll still be going out with Lavender by then. Two weeks, max.


Jan 5th

Went for a long walk around the Quidditch pitch with Lavender this afternoon. It was a nice day but to be honest I'd rather have been almost anywhere else than there, with her. We had a really boring conversation about what we'd like to do when we leave school. She doesn't know what she wants to do, probably something in an office. I told her about wanting to be an Auror and she said, "Don't you need really good grades for that?" Yeah, cheers, Lavender. Like I need reminding. I know I'm not exactly bright, or I wouldn't be going out with you, would I? Anyway, that really pissed me off, so I lied and said I had to come back and finish an essay for Snape. She said didn't you say you'd not been given any homework yet? Damn her, does she listen to everything I say? So I had to stay out there for another half an hour, bored out of my skull.

-----

I need some new excuses. "Sorry, Lavender, I can't see you tonight, my owl's got a cold and I've got to stay in and look after him." "I'm taking Remedial Potions and the only time Slughorn can do the lessons is in the evenings." "I've gone temporarily deaf and can't hear anything you say." "I've got a highly infectious disease that can only be caught by snogging." "Basically, you just bore me stupid. Sorry!" I keep having these little practice conversations in my head where I tell her she's dumped and she miraculously takes it really well. Because that's obviously going to happen!

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "That's weird, I've been thinking the same thing. Would you be really upset if I went out with Malfoy instead?"

ME: "Yeah, but I'd get over it."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Oh my God, I am totally devastated and am going to go and throw myself off the astronomy tower!"

HERMIONE (at Lavender's funeral): "Poor Ron, you must be really upset, is there any way I can comfort you in your hour of need?"

ME (wiping away a tear): "I'm sure I can think of something…

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Oh okay. By the way, Hermione told me she is secretly in love with you."

ME: "Cool!"


Jan 6th

Quidditch practice this morning. Lavender came up to me beforehand and asked me if I was wearing her necklace for luck. I had to think fast and say I'd been too worried it might get broken or lost. Think I got away with it. If you ever catch me actually wearing it, just kill me. I don't think I could stand the embarrassment. I honestly think I'd rather tell her I want to split up with her than be caught dead wearing that thing. My Sweetheart. Excuse me while I shove my fingers down my throat.


Jan 7th

Very nearly dumped Lavender today but chickened out at the last minute. I got as far as saying, "Lavender, I think -" in my best serious voice but she just carried on talking as though I hadn't said anything. I just thought the rest of the sentence in my head: "Lavender, I think we should split up because you're driving me MENTAL!"


Jan 8th

Seems it's not just me who finds Lavender insanely annoying. I was talking to Ginny earlier - she's given up nagging me about Hermione every five minutes, thank God - and Lavender obviously assumed I was chatting up some other girl because she came rushing over shouting, "Ron! RON!", then when she got level stopped dead and said, sounding almost disappointed:

"Oh. It's your sister."

Ginny said, very coldly, "Do you mind? This is a private conversation."

Lavender shot me an annoyed look, obviously expecting me to leap to her defence, but I didn't say anything. I was suddenly finding the pattern of the wallpaper really interesting. She put her arm round my waist and said:

"Well, I'm sure anything you've got to say to Ron you can say in front of me. After all, I am his girlfriend!"

Ginny rolled her eyes and muttered, "And don't you let us forget it!"

There was a dead silence, during which I thought, great, thanks, Ginny, I bet Lavender makes me pay for that one later. Lavender opened her mouth to say something back, but then obviously changed her mind and decided to just pretend she hadn't heard. She beamed at Ginny like she was her best friend and said, "Well, it's been lovely to chat with you, Ginny" - Ginny looked disgusted - "But I really must go, I promised I'd speak to Parvati about something. See you later, Ron!" and she leant up and kissed me on the cheek and gave Ginny a little wave.

Ginny didn't even wait until she was out of earshot before bursting out "HA!" really loudly. I was determined not to let her start on me about Hermione again, so I said quickly, "Just leave it, will you?" She said, "What? I'm saying nothing." I said, "Fine. Say nothing then." She said, "Except, you know, Lavender? Really?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to say "Well, no, not really. Not remotely. I don't know what I'm doing. Help me!" but instead I just changed the subject back to Fleur, who we'd been talking about before Lavender interrupted, and who'd just written Ginny a five page long letter about her responsibilities as a bridesmaid. So I had to listen to half an hour of her complaining that "She wants me to wear apricot!", but at least it was better than half an hour of her complaining about me, for a change.


Jan 9th

Just come back from another long walk round the Quidditch pitch with Lavender. I'm afraid she was talking but I'd stopped listening, I was just saying "Really?" and "Mm" in all the right places. Then she says, "You haven't even noticed my hair, have you?" And I say, convincingly, "Oh yeah, it looks really nice." She says, "What have I done to it then?" And I honestly cannot be arsed with this anymore, so I just shrug and tell her I've no idea, it looks exactly the same as it did yesterday to me. She goes "Tch!" and then after about ten seconds she says, "Seamus noticed my hair." I say, "I bet he didn't", and she says, "You're being really nasty to me lately, what's your problem anyway?" I am a bit stunned at this but it is on the tip of my tongue to say, "You're my problem, Lavender, is that not really fucking obvious?"

I probably should have said it, actually. At least all this might be over by now. But as we all know, I'm a complete coward, so instead I mutter something about being worried about Quidditch, and that seems to satisfy her for the time being. Sometimes - and this is quite bad - I kiss her just to shut her up for half an hour. At least then I can let my mind wander onto, um, other things. That's pretty sad, isn't it? Sometimes I really surpass myself.


Jan 10th

Dumped Lavender today! Yeah, right. In my head.


Jan 11th

Woke up this morning and Crookshanks was sitting on my chest about five inches away from my face, staring at me. Nearly gave me a heart attack! That's the third time this week. What does he want? Maybe I could use him as an excuse to go and talk to her. Mind you, that would only work if I could actually get into her room and hand him over in person, of course. Otherwise it's just me going up to her in class and telling her that her cat keeps visiting me, which I'm sure I'll manage to make sound like an accusation, and she'll definitely take the wrong way. Everything I say lately seems to come out wrong. I was waiting for Lavender at the foot of the stairs to the girls' dorm the other day and instead of Lavender, she came down the stairs, obviously freaked out a bit seeing me standing there, and tripped over her feet. And I said, wait for it, "Have a nice trip!" Oh my God. Even as I was saying it I knew it was a dumb thing to say. She just gave me this really withering look, like, "Oh, you are the most pathetic individual I have ever met".

-----

She's not the only one who thinks that either. Lavender's pissed off with me, although sadly not enough to actually chuck me. Ginny thinks I'm an idiot. Even Harry finally cracked the other day when I was complaining to him about Hermione and snapped, "Well, maybe if you just said you were sorry…" I shut up after that and we haven't mentioned it since. He must be heartily sick of the both of us, I suppose. It can't be much fun having your two best friends spend all their time slagging each other off. He obviously thinks it's all my fault everything's turned to shit as well.

-----

Yeah, 'cos it couldn't be her that's done anything wrong, could it? Little Miss Perfect. It must be me as usual, right? I mean, I try to keep a dignified silence but it's hard to in the face of all the nasty little comments she makes about me, or more to the point, at me. Why can't she just leave it? She's officially not talking to me - if I say anything to her she just acts like she hasn't heard - but that doesn't seem to stop her having little digs at me all the time.

Like today, I'm just walking along the corridor, I'm not even doing anything wrong, and she deliberately bangs into me as she walks past, calls me a long word and then adds, nastily, "I bet you don't even know what that means, do you?"

I snap back, "No, since I haven't swallowed a dictionary. Here's something you might understand though -" and I raise my middle finger right in front of her face, then walk away as fast as I can.

She shouts after me, "Oh, well done! I can really see where you get your reputation for devastating wit! It's pathetic!"

I call back over my shoulder, "Still talking? Did you not notice I've got bored with the conversation and I'm not actually there anymore?"

She hasn't got anything to say to that one. Ha!


Jan 12th

Me and Lavender only manage one lap of the Quidditch pitch tonight. She goes to hold my hand but I'm too quick and shove my hands in my pockets instead. We do the usual walking in awkward silence. Then she says, "You never wear that necklace I got you."

I tell her it broke.

She says, really sarcastically, "And you couldn't fix it? What with being a wizard and all."

I can't think of anything to say to that.

She goes on, "You didn't even get me anything."

I say I didn't have any money, which usually works as a guilt trip, but she just says, "You didn't write to me either, how much does that cost?"

I did write to her at Christmas, and point this out.

She says, "It was three lines! And one of those was about peeling sprouts!"

I make a stupid joke along the lines of "Well, there were a lot of sprouts." In hindsight, it's probably not the best thing to say.

Lavender says, "Why am I even going out with you?"

I shrug and say I don't know.

She says, "Because when you're not being a total arsehole, I really like you."

Which makes me feel guilty as fuck. She's right, of course. I am being a total arsehole to her most of the time. I feel so bad that for about ten seconds I think, maybe I could be nicer to her, maybe I could be a proper boyfriend and not spend all my time thinking about Hermione, but then it's already too late, I'm thinking about Hermione.

-----

Lavender looks like she might cry. I think, "What am I doing? Lavender really likes me and I'm still spending all my time thinking about Hermione, who isn't even speaking to me, who will never speak to me again, who obviously hates me, who I never had a chance with anyway."

So I kiss Lavender, and that's ok for a few minutes until I accidentally stand on her foot. She says they're the same shoes she was wearing when I spilt cleaning fluid all over her feet that time, and do I have something against them?

I snap, "Christ, are you going on about your bloody shoes again?"

She goes red. She says she meant it as a joke, actually, and anyway, at least her shoes don't look like her mum made them out of bits of other people's old shoes, and aren't held together with Spellotape.

I mutter, "Well, at least I have more topics of conversation than my fucking shoes..."

Her voice gets a lot higher suddenly. She says she's sick of that horrible maroon jumper I always wear, too.

I think, Oh, here we go, we're back on that one again, are we? Fantastic.

She says it looks like it was knitted by a blind person.

I tell her, "Fuck off, my mum knitted that!"

She says that's nothing to be proud of. She says, how old am I, nearly seventeen? And I still wear clothes my mum knitted? She points out that all my jumpers are shapeless and have holes in them and the sleeves are too long and why the hell are they always maroon? Has my mum not noticed I've got red hair? She says them being knitted by a blind person is the only explanation.

I want to tell her I don't like them either, but saying it out loud would be like admitting I care, so I don't, I just stand there and think of hilarious sarcastic replies in my head. Lavender hasn't finished with me yet, though. She says, why can't I buy a new jumper from a shop like normal people? And why can't I get some new trousers while I'm at it, because she's sick of the sight of the two inches of sock between the bottoms of my trousers and my shoes too.

I open my mouth to tell her that that's fine, because I'm sick of the sight of her, but I never say it, because she carries on. She says, she's not being nasty, she's only saying it because she cares about me, but everyone else thinks it too, and is it too much to ask that I might make a bit of an effort? Don't I care about her at all? Her feelings? And she bursts into tears. And I end up apologising to her.

-----

Of course, then all the way back to my room I can't get what she's said out of my head. Does everyone else think it too? Does Hermione? She's never said anything, but what if it's true? Another reason I never stood a chance with her. Great. And the thing is, I don't really care, but I do care at the same time, do you know what I mean? I'm not that bothered about clothes, not really, but that still doesn't mean I want people taking the piss out of me for it. I definitely could do without a girlfriend who does it.

-----

I'm so annoyed I stop and spend ten minutes kicking the crap out of a wall. I'm sort of hoping that maybe if I actually destroy them my mum might have to buy me some new shoes, but the bloody things are practically held together by magic anyway - three stretching spells since last Summer - so they can't be killed. I feel really guilty about it instantly. Bill and Fleur's wedding is going to be really expensive plus mum and dad have just had to shell out twelve Galleons for my Apparition lessons, so there's no way on earth I'm getting some new shoes before at least September. And that's if I'm lucky.

-----

Of course then I'm even more pissed off, so I'm not exactly delighted when I get back to the common room and the first thing I see and hear is Hermione, who's sitting about ten feet away and laughing. She's probably not even laughing at me - in fact, she almost certainly isn't - but I'm so wound up I just snap, "What are you looking at?" and storm off upstairs where I throw my shoe at the wall so hard it bounces off and nearly hits Neville in the face. I think I'd better just go to bed before I piss anyone else off.


Jan 13th

Didn't sleep very well last night. It's nearly eight o'clock now and I'm lying here trying to decide whether I can face dragging myself out of bed and going down for breakfast. What's the point? It's just going to be another rubbish day. Jesus, this is shaping up to be possibly the worst year ever, and it's still only January! Sod it, I need toast.

------

Christ, I should have just stayed in bed. Seamus and Dean were laughing at something just as I arrived and Hermione piped up, "Careful! Ron will think you're laughing at him and bite your head off!" They both looked really embarrassed. I just gave her a hard stare and went and sat down at the end of the table on my own, like I was contagious or something. And then in Charms Flitwick asked me a question and before I could reply she said, really loudly so everyone could hear, "Oh, don't ask Ron, he doesn't know anything!" It would have been really cool if I could have actually answered the question and proved her wrong, but I had to say, "Don't know, sir", and then she went, "HA!" in a told-you-so tone of voice.

-----

'Course, then I sat there for the rest of the lesson thinking of all the sarcastic things I should have said, and by the time the bell went I was really wound up. When I saw her leave I thought, "Right, I've had enough of this!" I elbowed my way past the rest of the class and caught her up in the corridor and grabbed her arm, and she spun round and saw me and actually put her arms up to defend herself, like she thought I might hit her. For half a second she looked, well, sort of frightened, actually.

All the horrible things I was going to say to her went right out of my head. I wanted to say, "It's me. It's me. You know me, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you." I wanted to say lots of things. But I didn't. Because I'm a coward, but mostly because she stopped looking frightened and got that you-are-pathetic-and-I-despise-you look back on her face, the one she always seems to be wearing lately.

She said, very coldly, "Could you let go of my arm, please?", so I did, and she said, "Is that it? Nothing else to say?"

I just opened my mouth and closed it again like a particularly stupid goldfish. She went to turn away and muttered, "Idiot..." under her breath, and I snapped then and said the first thing that came into my head, which was, um, "Why d'you have to be such a bitch?"

She looked really shocked but didn't say anything, just turned around and ran off. She was ten minutes late to the next lesson and she'd obviously been crying because her eyes were all red. Harry asked me, "What have you said to her now?" and I said, "Nothing", but I felt guilty as hell about it for the rest of the day. The thing is though, she had been a bitch, so how come it's still always my fault? And why do I feel so guilty about it?


Jan 14th

Another brilliant evening with Lavender. We went for another long walk around the Quidditch pitch. Anything's better than sitting in the common room with Hermione making her sarcastic little comments every five minutes. We walked round a couple of times with absolutely nothing to say to each other as usual. She talked about some boring row she'd had with Parvati, I wasn't really listening. I talked about Quidditch, just for something to say, and I'm sure she wasn't really listening either. Then there was ten minutes of kissing goodnight and I thought, hurray, that's over, I can go to bed. And then she leant up and whispered:

"Do you love me?"

AARGGHHH!!! It's a good thing it was dark because I'm pretty sure I actually pulled a face. I definitely jumped back about three feet. And I said, brilliantly, "Uh… er… um… I… er…" I was desperately searching my brain for the right thing to say but all I could think was "Aargh!! Aargh!! Aargh!!" So I majorly panicked and went in for a snog instead, hoping to distract her, only I was a bit fast and basically headbutted her in the eye. And then after I'd finished apologising she announced that she was going inside and on no account should I try to follow her - which, obviously, I had absolutely no intention of doing. Oh my God, I amaze myself with my brilliance sometimes. Why did she even have to ask? What did she want me to say? Did she want me to lie? For the love of Jesus, never ask that, don't you know anything? I suppose with any luck she might dump me now. Let's face it, accidentally headbutting her and giving her a black eye is a pretty good excuse!


Jan 15th

Ginny comes running up behind me in the corridor after breakfast today, whacks me really hard between the shoulderblades and hisses:

"Why are you such an arsehole?"

I call after her, "What have I done?"

She stops and turns round and snaps: "You know perfectly well!"

Me: "Yeah, well obviously I don't, or I wouldn't be asking, would I?"

Her, accusingly: "Well, why's Hermione crying in the toilets, then?"

For a brief moment I imagine her sobbing into my shoulder and me comforting her, and her being all grateful and apologetic - "I-I-I'm really s-s-sorry I g-g-got off with K-K-Krum. Can you ever f-f-forgive me?" - but that particular happy vision doesn't last long.

Ginny says, "Well?"

Me: "How the hell should I know?"

She hesitates. "You haven't said anything?"

Me: "No!"

Her: "Well… you must have done something…"

I snap then: "Fine! Believe what you want to, you always do anyway! I'm sick of you having a go at me! Did it ever occur to you that maybe some of this is her fault?"

She screams with laughter at that: "No! How do you work that one out?"

I shout, "Oh, just fuck off, Ginny!" and storm off. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

-----

Oh, yeah, and Lavender completely blanked me all morning as well. So that was all three of them not speaking to me! I felt like a complete leper. It was quite funny, actually. I was almost starting to think of things I could do to get Harry not to speak to me either, then I'd have the set. Unfortunately she came over at lunchtime and said she'd forgiven me. Damn!


Jan 16th

I'm one of the last people at the dinner table tonight when Seamus spots me and moves up to sit next to me. We talk about how our respective Quidditch teams are doing at the moment (not bad, and embarrassingly lousy), then somehow the conversation gets round to Lavender. I probably shouldn't be talking about this stuff with Seamus of all people, but actually it's a relief to finally be able to talk to someone about it. I end up telling him more than I should about how annoying she is and a lot more than I should about what a rubbish boyfriend I've turned out to be, just because it makes him laugh, and the stupider I make myself look the funnier he finds it. "You think that's funny? Wait 'til you hear the one about me headbutting her in the face!" God, I'm an idiot sometimes. Why can't I keep my mouth shut?

----

Anyway, at one point Seamus says, "So have you been inside her Chamber of Secrets yet?" which makes me choke on my pudding and spray bits of rhubarb crumble down myself. When I've finally recovered and Seamus has thumped me on the back a few times, he says, "Well, have you?" I shake my head and croak, "No, I fucking haven't!" He says, "I notice you didn't have to ask what it means." I tell him it's fairly obvious. He says he made it up himself but I can use it if I want. I think, Christ, if I ever actually use that in front of a girl, I'll be asking for a smack in the mouth. Hermione would definitely not find it funny. Not that I'll get a chance to find out, since she's obviously never going to speak to me again.


Jan 17th

Lavender comes up to me tonight after dinner looking all miserable, which is fine, because the sight of her makes me feel much the same. She tries to put her arm round my waist and because there are still loads of people around and I'm such a grumpy git, I say, "Get off me!" and then when I see her face drop, "Sorry."

Her: "You really know what to say to make a girl feel wanted, you know that?"

Me: "Yeah, that's always been a talent of mine."

Her: "I was being sarcastic."

Me: "So was I."

Her: "Do you think you could possibly manage to be serious for even five minutes?"

Me: "Probably not. I thought that was why you liked me, 'cos I'm so hilarious."

Her, even more sarcastically: "Yeah, that must be it."

We stand there for a few minutes and eventually I crack and say, "Fancy a walk?", and she sighs loudly as though this is the worst offer she's had all day, which it probably is, and says, "Alright."

-----

And there you have it, the glue that joins us together, we don't have anything in common, we don't make each other laugh, we don't really even like each other, but we do quite like snogging and we're too pathetic to end it because we haven't got any better offers. Well, I haven't. I suppose if I'm going to be miserable anyway, I might as well at least get some action.


Jan 18th

Just had a huge row with Hermione. Typical. She hardly speaks to me for two months and when she does it's a bloody argument. Basically, I'm in the common room tonight and Crookshanks comes over and starts rubbing himself against my legs and just won't go away. Later on I see her looking for him and when she sees where he is, she looks really pissed off and comes storming over demanding to know why I've "got" Crookshanks.

Me, annoyed: "I haven't got him, he just won't leave me alone."

Her: "Don't make me laugh, he's never liked you before!"

Me: "Maybe he feels sorry for me now you don't like me anymore."

Her: "And that's what you think, is it?"

Me: "That's what I know."

She stares at me for what seems like ages, and then she says, "Fine! That's great. That's brilliant!"

She goes to grab him, only he jumps up in my lap and sits there purring really loudly. So of course there's no way she can pick him up without touching me there as well. She obviously realises this too because she goes absolutely beetroot and stares at the floor.

Then there's a really long silence where you can just hear bloody Crookshanks bloody purring, and then she says, "It won't work, you know!"

Me: "What won't?"

Her: "Trying to get Crookshanks on your side!"

Me: "That's ridiculous. Is it my fault if he keeps coming and sleeping on my bed?"

That shuts her up.

Her: "He sleeps on your bed?"

Me: "Yeah. Not all the time, but sometimes I wake up and he's come in during the night. "

Her, stiffly: "Well, next time, would you put him outside please?"

I shrug and say, "Fine, whatever," and then she says, and she looks as though she might cry:

"He's my cat. You don't get to have my cat as well as everything else!"

She tries to grab him from my lap without touching me, only she must have picked him up the wrong way or dug her nails in him or something, because he takes a swipe at her and scratches her hand. And instead of smacking him, she suddenly smacks the side of my head and runs off to her room, crying!

This all happens really fast. It doesn't hurt where she hit me, it's more like she brushed the side of my head, but I can still feel it where her hand touched me. Anyway, I know I have gone really red and my heart is thumping like mad in my chest and I realise people are staring at me so I come up here.

Jesus. It's the longest conversation we've had in weeks. I feel a bit bad, but it's not my fault if her cat likes me. Next time I see him, I'm kicking him straight out the door. It's not worth the hassle. It's definitely not worth getting smacked in the sodding head.


Jan 19th

Another awful evening with L. I've been a bit of a moody sod all day today after last night's run-in with Hermione, so I was really touchy. At one point she reached up and touched my hair and I'm afraid I said "Get off!" and pushed her hand away. She looked really upset and told me not to talk to her like that please, and that she'd been trying to get a spider out of my hair, at which point of course I went completely nuts trying to get it out. She was no use whatsoever, just stood there watching me flailing around like an idiot. She said, "It's only a small one." I told her to shut up. She started crying. It was a total disaster. I said, "Oh, don't cry", but I obviously didn't sound very sympathetic, because she shouted, "I can't do anything right, can I?" I didn't know what to say to that ("No"?) so I just shrugged and she said, "Oh, forget it!", and started to walk back to the castle very fast. I was actually quite relieved. And then she turned around and yelled, "Who's even afraid of spiders anyway? How old are you, five?" So that was obviously a fun evening. We really must do it again sometime.


Jan 20th

Saw Lavender this morning and she acted like nothing had happened. I was sure she'd be sulking with me for at least a few days. Why is she even going out with me? We have the worst time together. Why does she put up with me? Why do I put up with her? Maybe I could slip her some sort of reverse love potion so she wakes up one day and decides she doesn't want to ruin my life after all. I should just tell her I don't want to go out with her anymore. I'm still having those little practice conversations in my head several times a day, but funnily enough I never seem to come out of it very well:

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "I'll see you in hell first!" (Getting out her wand and cursing me into oblivion)

-----

ME: "Lavender, I've been two-timing you with Eloise Midgen. You'll probably want to dump me. Obviously I'm devastated and will cry about it later alone in my room, but I'm sure it's for the best in the long run. I'll never forget you!"

HER: "Don't worry darling, I forgive you."

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "I'm just sick of the sight of you."

HER: (bursting into tears)

HERMIONE (passing): "God, Ron, you're so insensitive!"

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "Because I'd rather bleed out of my ears than spend another evening in your company."

HER: "You can't split up with me, I've stolen your diary and am holding it to ransom. If you dump me, the whole thing's going to be published in The Quibbler. Unedited."

LUNA (passing): "Yes, it's true. I've already read it and I'm sure it's going to be our best-selling issue ever!"

ME: "So, Lavender, more snogging?"

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "It's Quidditch. Harry says you're putting me off my game. He said if I didn't dump you I'd be off the team."

HARRY (passing): "That's not true, Ron. I am hurt and offended that you could use me in this way. In fact, I've just decided I'm never going to speak to you again either. Oh yeah, and I'm replacing you with Cormac McLaggen."

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "It's Professor McGonagall. She says you're putting me off my lessons. She said if I didn't dump you I'd fail all my exams."

McGONAGALL (passing): "That's not true, Mr. Weasley. I am shocked and disappointed that you could use me in this way. A million points from Gryffindor. Oh yes, and you're expelled."

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "It's Hermione. We've been having an affair. She said if I didn't dump you she wouldn't let me touch her special place."

HERMIONE (passing): "That's not true, Ron. I am disgusted and appalled that you could bandy about my special place in this way. In fact, I'm so upset I'm going to go and get off with Harry."

HARRY (passing): "Brilliant! Thanks, Ron!"

(Harry and Hermione snog.)

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I think we should split up."

HER: "Why?"

ME: "I've just realised I'm gay."

HER: "Everyone! Ron's gay!"

HERMIONE (passing): "Oh no, I can't believe it! I DID really fancy you and want to shag you and have your babies but now you're gay nothing can ever happen between us! I am so devastated I am going to chuck myself in the lake!"

ME: "Bollocks."

-----

ME: "Lavender, I don't want to go out with you anymore."

HER: "Why not?"

ME: "Because I'm secretly in love with Hermione."

HER: "Hermione! Ron is secretly in love with you!"

HERMIONE: "Sorry, Ron, I only like you as a friend. Anyway, I'm secretly in love with Malfoy, so it would never have worked out between us."

MALFOY (passing): "Brilliant! Thanks, Ron!"

(Malfoy and Hermione snog.)

LAVENDER: "HA HA HA HA!"

ME: (hanging myself in the toilets with my own shoelaces)

-----

Jesus, why is it so hard? (Because you're a coward, Weasley!) I know what I should do. I should dump Lavender. I should apologise to Hermione. Maybe I could get them both in the same room and then I could get it all over with at the same time: "Lavender, you're dumped. Hermione, I'm sorry. Thank you and good night!"


Jan 21st

Hermione isn't talking to me at all now. I wondered how long she could keep this up, and the answer seems to be, for ever. Have you ever known someone to hold a grudge this long? It's been over two months already! Maybe if I just apologised to her. I'm sure she's not interested in anything I've got to say though. I'd probably get another smack in the head.

-----

What would I even say, anyway? I'm sorry I got off with Lavender. I am sorry about that. It's not exactly been the high point of my career so far. I'm sorry I was rude to you. She was just as bad to me, though. Worse, even. At least I never smacked her in the head. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry for all the things I'm sure I've done to piss you off that I don't even know about. I'm really sorry you kissed Viktor Krum and broke my heart. Yeah, I'm never gonna say any of it, am I? It's always going to come back to that one.

-----

Why did Ginny even have to tell me? I was happy in my ignorance. Well, maybe not happy, exactly, but at least there was hope. Now it's like slow torture. At least she talked to me, at least she seemed to like me even if it was only as a friend. At least I did get to actually spend time with her. Now she won't even look at me. I should apologise. I should say something. If I went right up to her and said I'm sorry, she'd have to speak to me then, wouldn't she? It couldn't be any worse than this.

-----

Still haven't dumped Lavender. I seem to spend my whole life avoiding her and avoiding Hermione these days, which is nearly impossible as they're both in most of my lessons. I play a lot of Quidditch. At least neither of them are there then. Lavender did start coming down to watch me practice but then I told her she was distracting me - obviously I lied and made it sound like I would love to be distracted by Lavender but that I really had to concentrate on improving my skills or I'd be off the team. I may well have blamed Harry. Hey, I'm not proud. I just wanted to think about something else for a change. And it's not like I don't need the practice. I may not ever be a really good player but I'm determined I'm not going to let the team down anymore. At least maybe something good will come out of this disaster.


Jan 22nd

I am officially depressed. I seem to spend all my time at the moment either staring at her, trying to catch her eye, or if she's not there, thinking about her. It can't be doing me any good, can it? All this bloody moping. I feel like I haven't laughed in weeks. How long is this going to go on for? I am so sick of it. I am so sick of myself too. Did I not used to be generally quite a cheerful bloke? I can hardly remember. It seems like years ago. Why can't we go back to how it was before? That was alright. It was better than this, that's for sure. This is like the longest History of Magic lesson ever, it feels like it's never going to end. At least in History of Magic you knew the bell would go eventually. C'mon, Hermione, ring the bell! Make the madness stop! Just talk to me, woman!


Jan 23rd

Ginny just had a go at me in the corridor. She basically demanded to know when I was going to apologise to Hermione. I said, "Apologise for what?" and she said, "Oh, get a grip! Just go and talk to her, will you?" I told her she just feels guilty because it's all her fault and she said, "How do you work that one out?" I said, "Well, if you hadn't told me about Viktor Krum in the first place I'd never have -" and then stopped, because I didn't like where this conversation was going. She said, "Oh my God! Did you actually go and get off with Lavender just to punish Hermione for something that happened two years ago? You're even more pathetic than I thought you were!" I said, "NO! Anyway, shut up. Anyway, what do you mean, two years ago?" "Sometimes," she said, "You can be really thick." And she shook her head in disgust at me and walked off. And meanwhile I was just standing there struggling with several chains of thought at once:

"Did I just get off with Lavender to punish Hermione?"

"Two years ago! Does that means she hasn't kissed him since?"

"No, of course I didn't, we'd just won the match and everyone was hugging each other, and I hugged Lavender, and the next thing you know…"

"Two years ago! Why the hell didn't Ginny just say that in the first place?"

"Then… maybe when she asked me to Slughorn's party, she did mean to ask me out, she did mean as more than friends?"

"Oh."

"Fuck."


Jan 24th

Not the best day ever. I've just been going over and over in my head what Ginny said last night, and I've come to the earth-shattering conclusion that I really messed up. What if she did mean to ask me out? What if she did mean as more than friends? Alright, it still seems nearly impossible to believe, but what if it's true? And if it is true - well, I went and got off with Lavender instead, didn't I? Brilliant! No wonder she hates me. No wonder she won't even look at me, let alone speak to me. I'd be surprised if she ever talks to me again. And even if I'm totally deluding myself and she never meant anything more than as friends, I still messed up, because I was horrible to her over something that happened two years ago and didn't even ask her about it first.

-----

Jesus. I'm such a fucking idiot. I've just got to fix it, that's all. Except she won't even look at me, so how am I ever going to get her to listen to anything I've got to say? Last time we spoke to each other she burst into tears and smacked me in the head. She never used to cry all the time. She's not that kind of girl. Or at least, she never used to be. Now it seems that every time I speak to her I somehow manage to make her cry, and it just makes me feel like the worst person in the world. If I could just get her on her own for five minutes, maybe hang behind after a lesson or something. Yeah, like she'll ever let that happen. She runs away every time she sees me. This is all my fault! I've got to make her listen to me, just for a minute. Just for long enough to say sorry. If I could just get her to even look at me, that would be a start.


Jan 25th

Hermione didn't speak to me today. Big surprise. I deliberately went and sat next to her at lunch and she managed about five seconds before she obviously couldn't stand to be near me anymore, and got up and left the hall. We hadn't even had the puddings yet.


Jan 26th

Hermione didn't speak to me today.


Jan 27th

Hermione didn't speak to me today. Funnily enough, Lavender wouldn't shut up.


Jan 28th

Hermione spoke to me today! No, she didn't, I'm just kidding.


Jan 29th

Hermione didn't speak to me today.


Jan 30th

Hermione spoke to me once today. She called me "pathetic". Ha! Do you think she's coming round??


Jan 31st

Hermione didn't speak to me at all today. I think I'd even be grateful for a "pathetic".


Hope you enjoyed it - it's my favourite chapter! - and if you did, please show your appreciation with a review.

Next up: February, and things have to get worse before they get better.

Pinky Brown x