Important: I've changed my username from RainyDayReader116 to snowlikestardust.
Disclaimer: I do not own KnB or HP.
Trigger Warnings: Harsh punishments and toxic thinking (including obsessive thoughts of perfection).
If you'd like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you'd like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I'm way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I'll give you a summary of the chapter.
Katsa went into second year determined. She was going to get first in her class, do so well that Coach didn't have to punish her, and excel beyond the normal fourteen-year-old witch. She had to.
She was in the same class as Akashi again, though this time there were no other people on the first string with them. She didn't mind not being with more of her friends, because they all ate lunch together on the rooftop, practiced with each other, helped each other after the punishments, and went out for snacks/ice cream every Friday.
Katsa did well. She got near-perfect marks on her exams, hardly ever had to be punished, and Sirius complimented her on her magic studies. It wasn't good enough.
"Near-perfect" was still a mistake, and mistakes were not optional. "Hardly ever punished" was still being punished sometimes, and Coach only punished her when she did something wrong. Sirius complimented her because he was her godfather, not because she deserved it.
The only point in her life where she felt like she was doing the right thing was with Sora.
For Sora, the only time when Katsa was making a mistake was when she pushed herself too hard. They had actually told Katsa that they preferred it when she made mistakes, because that meant they could still feel like a role model. If Katsa became too perfect with them, Sora explained, she wouldn't have any need for Sora.
Katsa didn't want to hurt Sora, because that would be a mistake. So Katsa didn't worry about being perfect with them, because being perfect with them meant that she wasn't actually being perfect. It hurt Katsa's brain to think about, so she didn't dwell on it.
She did feel the need to be perfect for her other friends.
She always did her best when playing streetball with Aomine, because she didn't want him to decide that he would rather play alone.
She was a constant pillar for support for Shintaro, even when she could barely emotionally support herself, because Shintaro deserved people to care for him.
She tutored Murasakibara to the best of her ability, because it wasn't fair to him to do badly in school because of her failings.
She always did any group projects with Akashi, and did more than her fair share of work. When he walked her home, she was the perfect host, she invited him, she asked him to have dinner with her.
She used all the observational skills she had to see Kuroko, because he went unnoticed more than he should have. Even if it was tiring to keep a constant eye out, it was worth it.
She strived for perfection in everything she did. And most of the time, she even succeeded.
(What a trivial concept. Perfection. Something unattainable, yet something humanity constantly strived for. There's nothing wrong about being less than perfect. If someone were to reach perfection, they would no longer be human.
And that was the crux of the matter. Katsa didn't realize that there was nothing wrong with being human. She thought that because she cheated death, she owed the world something more. But after a certain point, she became unable to give more than she already had. This wouldn't stop her. She would give and give and give. She'd give until there was nothing left. She would give up the good parts of humanity to get rid of the bad parts. She'd give up everything. Everything. And no one can know if she'll ever be able to get it back.)
Katsa felt like dying. She couldn't tell if it was because her legs hurt so much she felt like she was physically dying, or if she was in enough pain that she wished she was dying. She felt like dying most of the time anyway, so she didn't bother herself figuring it out.
Honestly, if she didn't have such good friends, she didn't know what she would do.
Murasakibara was currently giving her a piggyback ride. They were on their way to the local convenience store for ice cream. Katsa had just run about thirty miles, not stopping for breaks. She didn't know much about healthy run distances for middle schoolers, so she didn't know if her time was up to standard. She just knew that she was exhausted.
"You are very comfortable," she told Murasakibara. He hummed in reply.
"So, who do you think the most comfortable person on the team is?" Momoi asked her. When Katsa looked at her, she saw a mischievous grin on her face.
Katsa thought about it. "I don't think I have enough data to say," she decided. There was a silence, then she felt herself being lifted off Murasakibara's back. She squeaked in shock as Aomine scooped her into a bridal carry.
"Well, we'll just have to provide the data you need to decide. I can't lose out to these losers," Aomine told her. Katsa laughed, and allowed herself to relax in his grip. The others joined her (in laughing, not in being Aomine's arms), and Katsa felt at peace.
Being exhausted was bearable when she had her friends to help her out. She didn't like them seeing her as less than perfect, but if it made them happy, she was willing to show some weakness.
She still felt like dying, because her whole body ached and she could barely stand, and she always had a constant underlying depression. But that was okay. As long as she didn't show it, everything would be okay. She didn't have to be okay on the inside to be perfect on the outside.
It wasn't even that she had to constantly be above everyone. She just didn't want to disappoint anyone. And the way to make everyone—Sirius, Remus, Sora, her parents, her team—proud of her was to get good grades, be the best at basketball, and be a good god-daughter/niece/daughter/friend.
Perfect didn't have an exact definition. If it did, it wouldn't be so hard to achieve. But Katsa believed she could do it. She could—she would—make everyone proud.
Sirius was good at a lot of things. He was excellent at transfiguration and charms, so much that he was an animagus and a talented prankster. He was, however, absolutely awful at potions. That was where Sora came in.
"No, those slices are much too thick, try it like this," he told her, grabbing the knife from her hands and showing her the proper technique. Katsa watched carefully.
Sora was tutoring her in potions, a subject Sirius was not exactly qualified to teach. Sora wasn't really qualified either, since he was only sixteen, but he was quite good at his studies. (He had once joked that his success in school was only because he lacked a social life outside of Katsa. Katsa didn't know about that, but she didn't say anything.)
Katsa liked spending time with Sora. She felt safe around him.
"You get it?" he asked her.
Katsa bit her lip in concentration. "I think so. You need to add the root in last, because otherwise it will cause the potion to lump up. When you add in the other ingredients first, it keeps the potion a liquid."
He gave her a small smile. Katsa felt herself fill up with happiness; she loved making Sora proud of her.
"Good. You think you're ready to move onto the next topic?"
"Mm-hmm. That's on pepperup, right?"
"Yeah. If you get the concept, hopefully you'll be able to make some for next winter. When you can make a good pepperup potion, people are all to willing to be nice to you."
"Do you think I'd be able to give it to my muggle friends? If I tell them it's a home recipe?"
Sora's lips tugged down into a frown, and Katsa immediately regretted asking. "I'm sorry sweetie, I don't think it would work on muggles."
"Oh," Katsa fiddled with her sleeve. "Okay."
It wasn't fair that potions that cured illnesses didn't work on muggles. Katsa was sure that if someone cared enough to try, they could figure out how to help muggle people with magical means. It was just that no one with the ability to help thought muggles worth the time and effort.
"Hey," Sora said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It's not like pepperup cures anything major. It's just colds and stuff like that."
"Yeah," Katsa said. "Yeah."
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
Katsa let herself laugh a little as she collapsed against her godfather's side. They had been wrestling for a while and were now snuggled together on the coach.
Katsa's head was on Sirius's chest, and she could hear his heartbeat. His breaths pushed her head up and down. Loki was on the couch beside her, his head snuggled into her side.
"I love you kid, you know that?"
Katsa closed her eyes in contentment. "I love you too."
Sirius began to run his hand through her hair; Katsa melted into his touch.
"The kids at my school have been crazy lately. They can't seem to calm down enough for me to teach. Translates well on the Quidditch team though."
Katsa stayed silent for a moment before realizing she was probably supposed to reply. "My teachers also have some trouble controlling the class sometimes. They really like Akashi-kun and me because we're quiet and attentive."
"I'm not surprised they like you two. You're both quite likable."
"Akashi-kun sure is a charmer, huh?"
"So are you. People see the goodness in you, and they're drawn to you because of that."
Katsa didn't believe him. But she knew saying something would upset him, so she just said: "Yeah, I guess."
She didn't like lying. But it wasn't a bad lie. It helped instead of hurt.
(It did hurt. It hurt her. But as mentioned before, she had trouble seeing herself as a person. And at this point, she couldn't stop herself from that.)
It happened like this:
Katsa hurt sometimes. But sometimes she didn't.
It started like this:
Katsa could almost feel happy sometimes. She didn't know whether to feel shocked or relieved.
It continued like this:
It was something gradual. She didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.
It ended like this:
The darkness was pressing in. But she ignored it, because if she could feel happiness, things must not have been so bad.
Thank you MG and Anna for beta reading 3
Thank you to everyone who favorited and followed, and a special thanks to jungkookies, , and Shadowing for reviewing. And shoutout to Shadowing, whose question helped me figure out a major plot point.
So, I have a notice for y'all. I might not continue this fic past junior high. I just don't have the inspiration for high school, and I think I can wrap things up without going past Teiko. It's not set in stone or anything, but it's possible that this fic will end earlier than planned. If I do stop then, they will probably be around sixteen-seventeen chapters total, with the word count around 35,000 or so.
My beta reader, MG, has drawn fan art for this chapter! You can find it here: : / / ace - attorney 17 . tumblr . com
Updates on Sundays.
