Uroboros
07. The Death of dreams
The sound of clashing swords startled Kaidan out of his sleep. His hand instinctively reached for the sword that should be resting next to his bed but found nothing. His heart pounded against his chest as his head started spinning.
Kaidan sunk back into a bed that smelled of a stranger. He waited until the shock of such a sudden awakening passed. It took him a while to remember where he was or how he had come to be here. With a sigh, Kaidan pushed himself out of Shepard's bed. He had hoped that it was only a nightmare.
His hand felt funny, so did his stomach. He had consumed too much of Liara's conjured wine that never ran dry. He remembered bathing and dragging himself into Shepard's bed where he had passed out. Until...
The memory of Shepard's return was vague. He recalled speaking more truth than he had done in the last decade. Harsh words were exchanged and then more happened. At that thought, Kaidan looked down at his own hand. He tried to find traces of what really happened, but could not find any mark on his body. Nothing hurt, not in the bad way nor the good way. Not like the first time he had lain with Shepard.
Thinking of his future husband, Kaidan looked around. In the light of day, the yurt looked like a battlefield. His armor and clothing were everywhere. He found the cup in the corner and recalled Shepard slapping it out of his hand. The bathtub was gone, but the table with food and wine was still there. Kaidan almost reached for the wine, but stopped himself, deciding that water would be enough for today.
His eyes fell on the locket still lying on the table a moment later. Instead being closed and on the table where Kaidan had left it, his most treasured object was open and discarded casually. Sudden anger rose in Kaidan. An image of Shepard looking at the secret Kaidan kept and then tossing it away like a broken toy filled the knight's mind. He snorted, reminding himself to start yet another fight with the great Specter when he returned.
Looking down, Kaidan found some comfort in the blue eyes of this boy. After 12 years around his neck, resting close to his heart, Kaidan loved this boy more than he loved himself. He had looked at the face of Lady Hannah's son almost every day and imagined the moment of their reunion. By now, Kaidan had to remind himself that this boy whose name he still did not know would be a man now.
If he stilled lived, he would be in his early twenties. He would be tall, like his father, King Steven was tall. His young face would have grown and hardened into a mixture of his parent's features. He would carry the allure of nobility with him, having nothing in the world powerful enough to shadow King Steven's blood. But most of all, Kaidan thought of his eyes. Those sky blue eyes that would one day look down at him from the throne as Kaidan again swore his loyalty to the rightful ruler of the Alliance of sovereign Kingdoms.
Firmly closing his fingers around the locket, Kaidan pulled the chain over his head. He felt the infinite comfort as the boy's image rested against his skin. He sighed out and downed the cold water. He took an apple into his hand and started his breakfast.
For the first time in many years, Kaidan did not know what to do. As long as he was able to remember, he always had duties. Be it serving or commanding, Kaidan always started his day with purpose. Now, he sat in a fur covered chair and wondered what this day would bring.
He had no particular desire to step outside and face those who had seen his defeat. He did not want to call for a servant and ask for clothing like a beggar. His own clothes stank of sweat and blood and it would take a lot to force him into them again. Maybe he could start cleaning his armor. However, even that act demanded more motivation than he had right now.
Shepard's yurt offered little distraction. It might be called luxurious for a man who changed the position of his home daily, but for Kaidan it was little more than a makeshift tent. There was a bed, an armor stand with no armor on it, the small table he was sitting at and the large fire-bowl in the middle. Following his gaze, Kaidan stared at the blue crystal hanging from the hole in the roof. It glowed and broke the sunlight entering the room. It was something magical, but Kaidan could not conjure enough enthusiasm to study it.
Then, his eyes landed on something he had not noticed before. Facing the main entrance, there was another closed flap. It was inconspicuous, being of the same color as the rest of the wall. A spark of curiosity moved Kaidan's limbs. He pushed the heavy fabric to the side and actually blinked at the fully furnished war room behind it.
He shook his head. What warlord hides the center of power behind his place of rest? It said a lot about how often this was being used.
The war-table in the middle was comparatively small but solid. A few large maps covered its surface and Kaidan smirked. Maybe his presence here was of some use after all. Studying it, Kaidan recognized a map of their world. A second one showed a more complete illustration of the entire Alliance controlled lands and their outskirts. The third was a detailed map of the city of Vancouver. Kaidan's heart stopped for a moment. No outsider should have such a treasure. A map as this should not be anywhere beside on the king's table and in the best kept part of their library. It certainly should not be in the yurt of a savage warlord.
Theories rushed through Kaidan's mind. Was Shepard planning to attack? Did he have spies in the city? Probably. He himself sneaked beyond their walls, disguised as a mercenary. How easy would it be to bribe someone within and pay for their stories?
With a racing heart, Kaidan looked around. He needed to find proof of Shepard's betrayal. With some carefully placed words, it might mean his freedom from this savage. He scrabbled through some documents on the table first, but found nothing useful in them. He needed a message of some kind, black inked words on parchment. He needed something he could present to the court.
Turning almost feverish, Kaidan's eyes searched almost every corner of the room. Eventually, after looking into almost every unlocked casket he saw, Kaidan started with the locked ones. He shook them and kicked at them, hearing coins jangle behind the wood. He had no interest in Shepard's gold. Eventually, after wasting too much time on useless things, Kaidan's attention was drawn to a smaller casket sitting in the corner. It was plain, but the lock on it was more than a giveaway.
Hanging all his hopes on this one, Kaidan rushed out of the war-room. Since his own trousers were torn, Kaidan grabbed a pair of Shepard's. He picked up his sword from the floor and headed back in. He did not hesitate stabbing his blade into the fine mechanism of the lock. Within a few well-placed strikes, he heard the metal break.
Kneeling down, Kaidan opened it, determinate to see what Shepard was hiding. It confused him to find neither documents nor gold. In the crate was only what seemed like old clothing and a set of rusting armor. The gauntlets and the leg plates were almost completely unrecognizable. Only the chest piece resembled what it might have been once. Kaidan dug deeper. He needed to understand what was in here as his eyes landed upon part of a golden chain, wrapped in a piece of dark blue cloth.
With trembling fingers, Kaidan reached for it. When he carefully unwrapped it, he could not believe what he saw. It was a symbol he knew by heart and had not seen for a long time. It was something that caused too many feelings in him at the same time.
"What are you doing here?" Shepard's voice almost made him jump.
The knight jerked around to see the great Specter standing in the door, his bare chest shimmering with sweat and a sword in his hand. The witch of twilight followed up behind him, eying Kaidan with suspicion. The knight heard other people enter the yurt in the front and thought he recognized Vakarian's voice. Liara quickly turned around and gestured them to stay put.
"Step away from my chest!" Shepard commanded. He raised King Steven's sword and pointed it at Kaidan. "Now!"
Kaidan did as commanded, knowing that refusing was unwise. "Explain this!" Kaidan gestured at the trinket in his hand.
"It's a necklace." Shepard said and gave Liara a sign without taking his eyes off Kaidan.
"It bares the royal sigil! King Steven's sigil." Kaidan urged. "How is this in your possession?"
"I'm done explaining myself to you." Shepard only said, his sword still pointing at Kaidan. "Put it back."
"Not until I have answers!" The knight retorted, closing his hand around the pendant.
Shepard took a few steps into the room, allowing his companions to join him through the narrow door. The tip of his sword was just an arm-length away from Kaidan now and he did not make any attempt to remove it from there. But the knight did not feel threatened. He did not fear violence. He did not fear Shepard.
"I said, put it back!" Shepard barked. "It's private!"
"Let me deal with him, Shepard!" Garrus Vakarian took the spear from his back. "We don't take kindly to thieves. Or liars."
"Hey Chief, he's wearing your pants." The bulky warrior called Grunt said. "He's not a Specter. He can't wear black."
"What are you doing here, man?" The other warrior asked.
"You don't belong here," Liara added. "Return Shepard's artifacts and maybe he'll show mercy."
Kaidan lifted his own sword as an answer.
"The last man that touched my stuff, I let Liara flay him, alive." Shepard threatened. "This is your last warning."
"Tell me how this came to you!" Kaidan demanded. "What did you do to the boy carrying this?"
Shepard's eyes narrowed. "You know what it is?"
"It's a royal gift from King Steven to Lady Hannah. He gave this to her as a token of his gratitude when she was released of her duty!" Kaidan remembered. "She gave it to her son before sending him away! What did you do to that boy! Where is he now?"
"He's still wearing your pants, Chief."
"Get out." Shepard breathed, his gaze fixed on Kaidan.
"Shepard..." Garrus took a step closer.
"I'll deal with it."
"If you're sure." Liara nodded reluctantly but did as she was asked. She nudged her chin at the two warriors flanking Shepard and they too obeyed. However, Garrus Vakarian was not so easily convinced. He put his hand on Shepard's shoulder and they exchanged a brief but knowing look. Shepard only nodded wordlessly at his brother who waited a moment before nodding back.
Kaidan watched Shepard's lackeys leave, all without changing his position. He was too angry to move, too excited for the truth that might just be one-step away. If Shepard would not tell him the whole story, Kaidan would retort to the harshest treatment he knew to make the man talk. Even if that killed him.
When Shepard's friends left, Kaidan could not wait anymore. "Tell me the truth!"
"Put away your sword and I might talk." As a gesture of faith, Shepard lowered his own blade and placed it on the table. He opened his palms, letting Kaidan see that he was not keeping any other weapons there. Only reluctantly, Kaidan did the same. He did not need his sword, he still had his magic.
When both men were unarmed, Shepard snapped. "You broke my chest! Don't you have any respect for my privacy?"
"We're to be wedded," Kaidan reminded him. "Why keep secrets from me?"
"You must be joking!" Shepard groaned. "Now you remember what we are supposed to be? After you insulted me last night and wounded me deeply? Now you accuse me of what? Murder?"
"Did you?" Kaidan almost snarled. "Murder him?"
"Who?"
"This boy!" He waved the pendant in front of Shepard's face. "The boy you took this from! Lady Hannah's son!"
"What if I said yes?"
Rage suddenly blinded him. Kaidan lunged forwards, his hands closing around Shepard's throat. Blue fire surrounded him without burning him. Kaidan did not remember ever being this angry. In this moment, he could have snapped Shepard's neck if he really wanted.
"Tell me what you did to him!" Kaidan roared. "Where is he?"
"What..." Shepard choked. "What do you care?"
"What did you do to him?"
"Let me go!" His hands grasped at Kaidan's wrist, trying to free himself. "I... I can't talk if you choke me to death!"
"Talk!" Kaidan released Shepard with a rough push. "What did you do to him?"
"It was so long ago," Shepard rubbed his neck and coughed. "I can't even remember clearly."
Kaidan pulled the golden locket loose from his neck. He opened it and waved it in front of Shepard's face. "This boy! Was it him carrying the pendant?"
"And who's that supposed to be?" Shepard lifted a brow. "Who's this boy and what do you know?"
"I have no patience for you games, Shepard!" Kaidan snapped. "Tell me, do you know this boy?"
"Why don't you calm down and we talk like adults!" Shepard suggested, lifting a curious brow. "Without your blue fire or waving things in my face."
"I..." composing himself, Kaidan nodded. He followed Shepard out of the war-room, taking both trinkets with him. When they were both back in the bedroom, Kaidan had gathered enough restraint to listen. "I need to know what happened to this boy. It's a very important matter!"
"Why?"
"He's Lady Hannah's son! I swore to her that I'd find him and protect him." Kaidan explained. "Please understand that I've spent the last twelve years looking for this boy. I can't rest until my vow is fulfilled."
"Why is he important?"
"If I'm not wrong, he's the bastard son of King Steven." Agitated, Kaidan walked up and down. His fingers were closed around the two items so firmly he felt their edge cut into his flesh. "This means he is the legitimate heir to the throne. It took me years to piece it together. Lady Hannah was King Steven's mistress. They had this boy but never told anyone of it. I believe that he had always known and thus always protected her. Before his death, he told my father of this secret. Besides us, there is only Councilor Udina who is aware. In the night when King Steven died, I was sent to retrieve him, but I was too late. There were assassins in the house and this boy escaped. Lady Hannah must have given this to him as a token to assure his claim was righteous. She must have known that King Steven would declare him his heir!"
"Bullshit!" Shepard laughed. "He was just a lowlife, a nothing."
"He is the last Hackett! The rightful King of Vancouver and the Alliance! He is noble from his birth, meant to lead my people!" Kaidan shouted back. "He is our king!"
"He was not!" Shepard barked back. "He was a weak little thing, running for his life. He was scared and starved! He was pathetic."
"What do you know of him?"
"He didn't stand a chance when the Fire Claws came for him!" Shepard yanked the locked from Kaidan's grasp. He spat at the picture in it and promptly tossed it into the fire.
"No!" Kaidan dived for it, reaching into the burning flames. He ignored the pain in his hands and the heat in his face. He heard Shepard shouting behind him, but could focus on nothing but the melting trinket between the coals. When he pulled it out of the fire, it was black at some spots. The boy in the small picture was barely recognizable. Kaidan rubbed at the scorch marks and pressed it back to his lips. He could not believe he almost lost it forever.
"Why do you care?" Shepard hissed behind him. "He was a worthless brat, a fool! He was a coward that ran when they came for his mother. He abandoned her and left her to die!"
"Shut up!" Kaidan breathed, trying to stop his tears.
"He was a worm! He had neither gold nor goal. He wandered around, crying like a girl. When the Fire Claws came and enslaved him, it was almost merciful. He had to die! He wouldn't have survived anyway."
"You killed him..." Kaidan whispered.
"I had to put him out of his misery." Shepard sounded almost remorseful. "The real world was too harsh for a twelve year old squire."
He wiped his tears away and turned to gape at the great Specter. In his blurred vision, Shepard seemed a lot more familiar than he should be. Without seeing him clearly, Kaidan only noticed his glowing blue eyes. He gasped. "It was you!"
"Kaidan... please. That boy is dead."
He looked down at the scorched painting and then back to the man before him. "It's you!" Shepard did not disagree. "You're alive! You're real!" Kaidan's heart clenched. In all his imagination, he could not have pictured the Last Hackett to be a warlord. "It was you all the time! And you knew!"
"I had my suspicions." Shepard nodded.
It was confirmation enough for Kaidan. He felt excitement rush over him. His limbs felt light, his head suddenly clear. In his moment of revelation, Kaidan put all pieces together.
"Yes..." he gasped under his breath. "You're old enough to be the boy. You mentioned being a squire last night. I've noticed that you know your way around Vancouver and your accent. It's barely there, so I didn't notice. And Arcturus... Of course! It was you that night!"
"What are you talking about?"
"The night when King Steven died!" Kaidan felt his body twitch with excitement. "You were the rider in the night! I could never forget it! You escaped on horseback, and that large sword was Arcturus! Everyone wondered what happened to King Steven's sword. He must have given it to your mother. He must have guessed that you would need it! Shepard, you cannot deny it! You're a Hackett, you must be!"
"My name is John Shepard," the warlord said. "And nothing more."
"You're my king," the knight felt a need to kneel down. He wanted to take Shepard's hand and kiss it. He wanted to swear his loyalty to a new king, one that could stabilize the political situation in the Alliance and lead them to glory again.
As he looked up at Shepard, seeing him standing there in his savage, black armor, he could not bring himself to believe that this man should sit on the throne one day. Shepard was only a man, not even an honorable one. He was cruel and hot-tempered. He was uncivilized and without manners. He was a monster, a beast taking advantage of those who could not defend themselves. Contempt rose inside him just like last night. He contorted his face, wanting nothing to do with this man.
At the same time, the feeling of being abandoned caught him. Even though he disliked Shepard, his claim to the throne could not be denied. Even though Kaidan hated him, he was still Hackett's son. "Why didn't you come back to us?" Kaidan asked eventually.
"Not so fast," Shepard laughed. "Back to you? What is there for me?"
"You are the last Hackett! The Vancouver throne is yours!"
"Now you're so eager to hand your city to me? Now that you suspect who I am."
"I know it!" Kaidan snapped back. "I've carried your image around my neck for the last twelve years! I've seen enough evidence to know who you are!"
"I could have killed the boy and taken all the tokens he carried," Shepard shrugged. He gestured at the two trinkets in Kaidan's hand and snorted. "The pendant is made of gold, why wouldn't I want it. And Arcturus is a damn fine sword."
"Do you take me for a fool?" The knight straightened his posture to face Shepard. "If this was stolen, you would have sold it. A pendant like this is worth a fortune."
"Maybe no one wants to buy it?"
"Liar!" Kaidan shook his head. "You kept it hidden in a locked chest. This has sentimental value to you."
"You know nothing of me, prince Kaidan!" Shepard shoved past the knight and sat down in the fur covered chair. He fumbled with the wine on the table but did not drink it.
"I've seen what's in that chest," The meaning of those apparent worthless things suddenly became clear for Kaidan. "You kept it hidden among the things you took from Vancouver, didn't you? You want to hide them from your friends, why?"
"We're done," Shepard snorted. "Put my things back."
"Shepard..."
"It's all in the past. It has no meaning now."
"Who's lying to himself now?" The previous heat in his voice left. For some reason, Kaidan could not really be furious with the warrior. In a strange way, Kaidan understood Shepard, or at least he thought he did. Kneeling down before his future husband, Kaidan gently put a hand on Shepard's face and moved it to face him. "Why are you so reluctant to accept your heritage? What really happened? Isn't a righteous man all you wanted to be? Didn't you say you wanted to be like me? John, why are you really here?"
"You ask too many questions, sweet prince." Shepard's gaze carried the same affection Kaidan saw in the tavern. For a moment, he could almost believe that there was only the man John.
"I need those answers. Please understand that it is my very own quest. It's what I've been doing for years. John, I swore to your mother that I'd find you and keep you safe. And believe me, I've tried. Wherever I went, I looked for you. Vancouver needs a king. We need you."
"I can't do it," Shepard shook his head, shifting his face out of Kaidan's palm. "I'm not what you think I am. I'm a savage, a warlord. My life is here, with the Specters and the Fire Claws. They are my people and they look to me for guidance. I can't leave them."
"We are your people, too."
"No, you're not." Shepard laughed. "You're doing just fine without me. You have your regent couple, your politicians and advisers. You have your walls and sickeningly tight etiquette. You'll do fine without me."
"But I need you!" Kaidan gasped. "Don't you get it? My father is not made to be king, but you; you've been leading people for years. You've united people that have been killing each other for centuries. You are a leader!"
"So do you hate me or admire me now?"
"Both!" Kaidan barked out a laugh. "I despise you because of prejudice. Because of your crime against me. It's personal! But I admire you as a king. Don't you understand, with your skills, you could reunite the Alliance. That's something my father couldn't even if he tried."
"What about you then?" Shepard gave him a small crooked grin. And there Kaidan saw the true and kind affection again.
"Don't you get it? I don't want to rule, I want to serve. When King Steven knighted me, I've sworn to serve him and his sons and so on. I swore to your mother that I would protect you, my future king. And that's what I want to do, Shepard. From the depth of my heart, I want to serve a good king, I want to serve you."
"My place is not in Vancouver."
"Your place is on the throne." Kaidan objected.
"What right do I have to rule over people I don't know?" Shepard huffed and pushed off Kaidan. He strode in the room, deep in his own thoughts. "I fought hard to be where I'm now. It took time to get to know this people. I united all those lost clans and put an end to the waging wars among the tribes. My brothers and sister and I, we suffered through hell to gain my people's respect and loyalty. They chose me as their leader because they trust me. I prefer it this way, knowing that I can trust any of them with my live. What can I expect in Vancouver? In that shit hole of false smiles and venomous words? I have no need for politics or schemes. I choose to live free and the hell will I give my life to bondage again."
"You can change that!" Kaidan retorted. "As our king, you can change that."
"Are you really that naïve? They'll kill me in my sleep within the fortnight."
"I'll protect you!" Kaidan shouted. "I'll pledge my life to you, do as you command. I'll be your loyal servant or anything you want me to be. Shepard, Vancouver needs a king."
At that, a grin returned to Shepard's lips. "But you already have, Kaidan. You vowed to be my husband, with body and soul, remember?"
Kaidan did not. Not in this moment. He winced at the memory of the past few days and the enthusiasm about the king's return suddenly ebbed. "Shepard, I can't." Kaidan whispered. "Not that I don't like you... or respect you. It's just..."
"Because it's shameful? To be wedded with a savage? What does it matter?" Shepard turned around sharply, catching Kaidan in his arms. "I'll say this again: I love you, Kaidan! Even after last night, I still love you."
"Please don't say it," Kaidan turned his face away.
"Why not? I'm sure of my heart." Shepard hand wandered up to cup Kaidan's face. "Kaidan, look at me. Forget Vancouver, forget politics! Come with me, you can be free. I can show you places you couldn't even dream of. We can ride in the twilight lands wherever we want and love wherever we want. We can fight whoever opposes us and claim what we want. Together, we can be unstoppable. We can be happy together!"
"And how long will it last?" Kaidan snapped at him. "A couple of years? Or just a couple of seasons?"
"What?"
"I know of you and your witch, Shepard." Kaidan pushed off him. "Your heart is like wind. You're a storm, Shepard. You come down on us with thunder and rain, encompassing us. But when it passed, the wounds you leave take years to heal."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Shepard shook his head in bewilderment. "Do all mages talk in riddles?"
"It means you don't linger." Kaidan sighed. "I like you, Shepard. You're a handsome man and I desire you, that's true. But I can't give you my heart, knowing that you'll break it."
"I won't, I promise!" Shepard hastily exclaimed.
"How?" Kaidan shrugged. "Whatever is between us started with deception, it continued with humiliation. How should it end? How could it end?"
"What would you have me do, then? How can I prove it to you?" Shepard seemed genuinely eager and Kaidan could not but smile at it.
"Come with me to Vancouver." He demanded. "Take your place on the throne and help me sort it out."
"You want me to be your king?" Shepard shook his head. "Are you crazy?"
"This isn't just about me or you, or even us. This is much much bigger. It's about Vancouver and the whole Alliance. In time, even the world. There is good in you, Shepard." Kaidan truly believe that and his faith guided his actions. "You care for your people. You value friendship and loyalty and those are principles I can respect. Deep inside, I know you have a noble heart, it's in your blood."
"Bullshit! I am the great Specter, I don't bow to rules made by men."
"You're just saying that because you think strength is all your people respect. But that's not true."
"You don't know the need of my people!" Shepard snapped. "Strength is what protects them! I have a mission, Kaidan, I can't abandon these people. They are my responsibility."
"What can possibly be more important than the fate of the world? Your blood also carries a responsibility. Vancouver's people are also your people."
"No, they are yours! I don't care for them, nor they for me! However, my clans, they need me. They depend on me to find them a new home. To find a place where our families can stay and live while we ensure their safety. That's my mission."
Kaidan opened his mouth to disagree, but closed them again. Shepard was right; he did not know much about the Specter Fire Claws. He did not even know that they had families. Closing his eyes, Kaidan sighed.
"I can't come to Vancouver with you." Shepard said with finality.
"Why are you here in the first place, then?" Kaidan had difficulty hiding his disappointment. He had so many hopes for the last Hackett. Not in his worst nightmare could he have imagined this outcome.
"I wanted to see the city of my birth with my own eyes." Shepard said truthfully. "I saw it and it disgusts me. The corruption runs deep in the streets and the nobles aren't doing much to stop it. There is no true freedom in your home. You are the best example of it. You're so tied down by responsibilities you can't even afford to love as your heart desires. What life is that?"
"One of sacrifice." Kaidan answered. "That's what I swore. I laid down my life to serve and protect."
"Yes, and I know how much you enjoy that life."
"It doesn't matter. It's my decision." Kaidan swallowed, gathering his courage inside him for the last assault. "It's my life, Shepard. But with you in it, I will have more reason to embrace it. Be my king and I swear that I'll give you everything I have. You'll have my loyalty and life. Even my love, I can give you."
"You're a hypocrite!" Shepard snapped angrily. His face flushed and his brows furrowed. "Two nights in a row, you couldn't get away from me quick enough, now you make oaths to me as if I'm what you love the most only because you know who I am not how I am. You disappoint me, Kaidan."
"That's not true!" Kaidan shook his head feverish. "I liked you before I know who you are! You are so much, my enemy and my king! Were you just John the mercenary, I would have loved you. Were you only the Specter, I would have killed you. And were you my king, I'd do anything you command. However, you are all of it. Don't you realize that it's difficult for me to fathom? I've been keeping your image at my heart for years. I loved you, like my own child. Then you seduced me into doing something that required me to give up my honor. Don't get me wrong, it was the best night of my life. I felt... safe with you. I... I don't know!" Kaidan let out an exasperate grunt. "I like you, a lot! I want you to be with me in Vancouver and I..."
"Stop, Kaidan." Shepard shook his head. "I won't be your king, deal with it. My place is here and so is yours."
"Dammit!" Kaidan stepped away from Shepard with a loud moan. "Why are you doing this to me? Why keep me here now that you know what's in my heart? If you won't come with me, Shepard, then let me go! Let me return to Vancouver. You might not want to be its king, but I'm still its knight and always will be. And I will die defending it."
"Kaidan," Shepard came up to cup both his cheeks. "You don't have to. I'm not planning on attacking Vancouver. Not now that I have what I want."
"You are not our only enemy, Shepard. I was hoping I still have time to find the last Hackett. Without a king, the Alliance will crumble. My father cannot stabilize the situation and Councilor Udina is too eager for war. Without you, Vancouver needs me."
"That's not for certain."
"It is for certain." Kaidan sighed, leaning into Shepard's touch. "The war will come eventually. Please, understand me. Just as you want to protect your friends and family, I want to do the same for mine."
"Your virtues are your curse, prince Kaidan." Shepard leaned in closer, as if he wanted to kiss Kaidan.
Kaidan leaned forward and met Shepard's lips in the middle. As he pressed with more force, Shepard's arms wrapped around him firmly. This was their first kiss that was not shared under the influence of wine. This kiss was sober and Kaidan liked it even more.
"You realize that letting you go is impossible now, don't you?" Shepard whispered against his skin, eyes closed and hands moving gently. "Kaidan..."
"Didn't know you were considering it." Kaidan closed his eyes and whispered back. "But if you really love me, please let me do my duty."
"Don't," The Specter begged. "You're breaking my heart."
Kaidan gently pushed off Shepard. He gazed into those blue eyes he so desired and sighed deeply. "It'll heal," he said. "Shepard, you will find someone more suitable than me. Someone who understands you and shares your mission. Someone better than me. But don't think I'm not still hoping that you'll change your mind."
Shepard swallowed and Kaidan swore he saw tears in his blue eyes. He wiped them away just as they escaped. Kaidan pressed another small kiss onto Shepard's lips and felt a dread inside him. But eventually, he managed to separate their connection by stepping away. He looked down on the man who seemed to have stepped out of his fantasies.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I guess this is goodbye, then."
Just as Kaidan turned to gather his things, Shepard stopped him.
"Let me show you how we say goodbye here," He hooked his fingers in Kaidan's waistband and pulled. "Vancouver can wait for a few hours."
"I really shouldn't."
Shepard did not respond to that, but continued. "You're not a specter; it's time I get you out of my pants."
When they made love that morning, Kaidan admitted to himself that he really loved Shepard and that leaving was breaking his heart.
