7
I nervously stepped onto the porch of the Gold Nugget, knowing what I had to do, what I had to say.
Lydia called out from the bar, "Howdy, Dr. Mike. Anything I can do for ya?" She was always so pleasant.
"I'd…I'd…like to speak with…Hank," I stammered out.
"Ya sure that's such a good idea, I mean at this hour?"
"I'm afraid it can't wait."
Lydia nodded, stopped polishing glasses, and went to fetch Hank. With each second that passed, the nerves didn't calm. I wanted to be somewhere else and to not have feelings for two men. Hank appeared minutes later, disheveled and sleepy eyed.
"Michaela," he drawled with surprise, "what're you doin' here?"
I stood there unable to speak, my mind flashing back to all those times he had been kind to me and finally landing on the day he'd saved my life. Somewhere along the way, I had grown to care about him deeply, and it scared me. After all, I was happily married to a man who filled my heart and soul with a passionate devotion I could hardly even express.
"I…umm," words escaped me.
"I ain't never seen ya so…" Hank paused. "Somethin' wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong," I replied with effort to steady my voice.
"Have a seat," he offered, pulling a chair away from one of the tables. I sat down with some reluctance and smoothed my skirts as I collected my thoughts.
"It seems we may both be alarmed by feelings we have that are there whether we want them to be or not."
"What're you gettin' at?" Hank proceeded to sit down next to me.
I took a deep breath and decided to be blunt: "I believe you've got feelings buried somewhere that you're hiding, and I think I know what they might be." I let my words hang in the air.
"Michaela, I'd be blind if I didn't find you attractive. Hell, at one point I thought maybe I had a chance."
"Was that the real reason you invited me for coffee at Grace's?"
"Does it matter?" he drawled.
"I suppose not…that was years ago."
"I ain't no saint, Michaela, and most of the time I find love in all the wrong places. Clarice was the one woman I loved with all my heart, well, that is until…"
I wanted him to say Myra, but I knew that wasn't so. I could tell he was in love with me but trying to hide it.
"Look, no matter what I feel, ain't nothin' gonna happen."
"That's true," I answered. "But wouldn't be better to admit it to yourself?"
"I can't do that."
I realized I had to confess my own dilemma if he were ever going to be honest with me. "Hank, I never wanted to have feelings for you but I do. I care about people and I care about you. There have been moments where I have seen the loving man inside you, and he is the one I would like to see more of. But obviously there can be no future for us even if you did show the better angels of your nature, and I just want to say that I do so hope one day you will find a woman to love and cherish, one who will bring out the gentle man I know is in there."
Hank looked up at me stunned, and then his expression softened. "I didn't wanna have 'em either," he whispered. "Things happen, and, well…I can't control it."
"Then I'm not alone."
"No, Michaela, you ain't."
I was not sure what happened next, but I felt the touch of his hand on mine. I was startled as a spark and a shiver shot through me. All those times when I wanted to strangle him vanished from my memory; in their place was the awareness of the eyes of a loving man. "I love you, whether I should or not," he whispered.
"I do, too," I reluctantly replied with downcast eyes. "Please, I want us to remain friends." He nodded, even though I could tell it pained him to do so. Admitting to Sully this growing realization that Hank cared deeply for me had been painful. In the process, I had related the stories of Colleen's crush on him and Catherine's love for him, which seemed to soften the blow. For his understanding, I was filled with gratitude.
"Thank you for settin' my love free."
"You're welcome," I replied though unsure how I had set him free. "I pray one day you will find love."
He laughed, "Gonna take a lota prayers for that ta happen. I'm more of a sinner than a lover."
I smiled, "We're all human."
He returned my smile with his own, staring at me with those beautiful eyes. Whoever opened up his heart was going to be a lucky woman although I had a feeling I might not like it much when it happened.
"Hank, I must be going," I said breaking the silence that hung in the air.
As I stood up, he followed suit and embraced me for the shortness of moments. I could feel the rapid beating of his heart and his breath on my hair. Closing my eyes, I tucked the memory away for safe keeping before letting go.
Sully was waiting for me outside, having stayed close to the clinic. Without asking how things went, he pulled me close to let me know he was there for me. After the events of the past few months, I very much appreciated a measure of tranquility again.
Relief flooded through me as we rode out of town. "It feels good to get away for a while." I was going to miss the children terribly, but Matthew had agreed to stay at the homestead, and Lydia and Grace promised to look after Katie for me. "We ain't had time alone for so long," Sully remarked. I realized with my practice, his new job, and the children, there hadn't been a moment to breathe. I inhaled the clean mountain air around me. "I can't wait to see where you're taking me."
"You're gonna love it," he insisted. I smiled, trusting him implicitely.
"I hope this trip isn't as adventurous as our last one."
"Shouldn't be."
"Good." I was really looking forward to our time together because I had one thing continually weighing on my mind. Ever since losing our unborn child when Sully was in hiding, I wanted another. I knew it would not be easy, but I was willing to try.
We rode until the afternoon sun appeared, taking a break under a tall tree. It stood alone amongst a sea of grass.
"We should rest a bit here before movin' on."
I dismounted, removed some of the burden from Flash's back, and settled myself on the ground. Canteen in hand, I took a drink letting the cool water run down my dry throat. I had packed some bread in my bag and searched for it to nibble on.
Sully settled himself next to me, gnawing on a piece of jerky. Both of us were famished from the journey, and our horses grazed happily, too.
"This is a beautiful spot. It reminds me of the one you showed me early on in our courtship," I recalled thinking about the bumpy road we'd had. His words had touched me deeply when he mentioned I was the only woman he had ever brought there.
"It is, but some trees bring back memories I would just as soon forget."
I echoed his sentiment without words as I pondered how Brian had fallen from a tree while in Sully's care. And before we discovered the massacred Cheyenne, we had stopped at a large tree like this one. "One of my favorite memories though was delivering Katie. She was both a joy and a blessing, erasing any pain I had experienced."
"But I was so terrified I might do somethin' wrong."
Perhaps we can try again, I thought to myself. I would love Katie to have a friend to play with as she grows.
"You were wonderful."
"I had you with me," he remarked, pulling me close in his comforting embrace. I could feel his warmth threatening to lull me to sleep.
"Michaela," he spoke a moment later bringing me out of my haze, "we should keep movin'." I nodded and forced myself up off the ground. My muscles were stiff and protested at my movements. I gathered up my things, hanging my bag back on the saddle horn.
Flash protested some at my urging her forward. She was enjoying the green grass too much to want to leave although with some prodding and an apple, I was able to get her moving again.
We rode until dusk, finding a small cave to shelter in for the night. I was weary and grateful for the chance to rest my body. "I'll sleep well tonight," I remarked as I took the packs off Flash, carrying them into the cave.
"I'll gather some wood for a fire. See what you can find ta eat."
Searching the packs, I found the means for a small meal and set to work. Sully returned a while later with an armful of sticks. Within minutes, he had a fire going that gave the cave walls a soft glow.
"We're gonna need warm blankets tonight. It's gettin' pretty cold out there."
Suddenly, a breeze blew in causing the flames to flicker. I thought darkness would envelope us once again, but the blaze held strong.
"And each other," I added, feeling his eyes on me. "You can hold me to keep warm, you know." There was no embarrassment or fright. I had experienced both when we had held hands in the rain on a night so long ago in our quest to find the source of Willow Creek's contaminated water.
He smiled, moving to kiss me gently before making his way to the fire. In his absence, I felt a pleasant heat in my body and a deep hunger.
My stomach grumbled as the smell of salt pork and biscuits filled the air. "Can't wait ta eat your delicious meal."
"Thank you," I answered, flattered he thought so highly of my cooking. It would never be my forte, but Colleen had taught me well, for which I was grateful. It was also a relief to know I could make food that actually smelled appetizing. Too many times I had burned one dish or another, much to my chagrin.
"I remember the first time I tried to cook for the children. I wanted to impress them, only to end up with a burnt main dish and flour all over me."
"Bet that was a sight to see." There was laughter in his voice.
"Most embarrassing," I added trying not to snicker at the memory.
Sully moved closer to me, resting a strong arm on my shoulders. We huddled together as we watched the flames dance and our meal pop and sizzle.
Just as the food was ready, thunder cracked through the air bringing with it a torrent of rain. As I served the meal that night and consumed it, I thought back to my first time in the rain with Sully. We were both so timid and anxious about being alone with each other. Now so much had changed I couldn't imagine my life without him. "Sully," I whispered. "Hold me."
His warmth enveloped me immediately, along with the fire blazing in front of us. I thought back to the flames in my own heart, how frightened I had been of them. How I'd fought to put them out only to have their strength increase when they returned. We had shared corn in his teepee after Brian had run away. I remembered how warm it had been, not from what man created from nature. Passion ignited inside me that night perhaps for the first time.
As I gazed at the flames, random images came to mind as I pictured an old rocking horse made for a child who never got to use it, our barn the night lightning struck, Boston where my emotions danced in confusion, and all I cared about except the people I loved being swallowed and spit out as ashes.
"Anything you wanna talk about?" he asked breaking the silence that hung in the air.
"I was remembering things as I looked into our fire."
"We've tended our fire very well."
I smiled, missing Sam and her wise words.
"Yes, we have."
"You still seemed troubled," he remarked as my eyes turned from his to the fire. How did I tell him that letting go of my love for Hank was not easy? We had made our peace, and yet I still felt empty inside. "Perhaps I am," I responded, staring down at my hands. "I want to finally resolve all that's happened."
"I'll ask the spirits to guide you in the right direction. And I'll be with you each step of the way."
"Thank you," I murmured, feeling my eyes well up with tears. I reached out my hand to hold his strong one. He was my best friend, and I could not ask for anything more. Our love was strong, burning brightly like the fire in front of us.
"I have come to care a lot about the people in town, even those who were not the kindest to me when I first arrived, but it was never my plan to feel deeply for more than one."
"No one has a choice in who they love," he answered quietly. "Or who falls in love with you."
My thoughts travelled back to William and then the Reverend, who thought he had fallen in love with me. I had also believed for a time that I was in love with William, but I knew deep down I was not. The Reverend had proposed to me mainly to give those orphans a home. He was well intentioned, but I would not marry a man I did not love.
"Mother married without loving my father. As the years went by, she learned to love him. I couldn't do that, spend the rest of my life with someone I was not fond of and might never develop affection for."
"Me either. It disturbed Abagail, too." I should have been surprised to hear Sully's words, yet considering the kind of man Loren was, I was not.
"I know it can take time to learn to love. When I took in the children, that was certainly the case. I knew nothing about raising a child, let alone three of them. There were many difficulties in those first months."
"Our path in life is never easy, some days are harder than others, but we get through them just the same."
"And the hard ones make us stronger," I added squeezing his hand. We had been through so much hardship and endured it all. "Your love kept me holding on during your time in hiding. I don't know what I would have done if you had..."
"But I didn't and I'm here now." His comforting arm enveloped me as I leaned my head on his shoulder, watching the fire burn. "Don't leave, Sully," I whispered into the flames as if they were stars carrying away wishes into the air.
