A/N - Ok so I totally sat down today and wrote about 1,500 words straight to add to this chapter! It's like the mind block just vanished! Anyway I've got so much more to add to this chapter, I basically had to chop it in half in order to post today and after it's uploaded I'm getting straight back to writing the next one because this kinda ends on a cliff hanger and I don't actually deal with the issue the last chapter ended on so watch this space because you might actually witness a miracle and I might post another chapter with a gap of less than 2 months! ;)
Love and Insecurities - Chapter 7
"Blaine..."
"Kurt..." Blaine mirrored.
"Gosh this is not how I wanted to start off this conversation."
"And uh, what conversation would that be exactly, Kurt? Because for the past couple of weeks I've been trying to understand what's triggered this secrecy from you. I don't want to push you, that's the last thing I want, but it's hard knowing something is bothering you and it's big enough that you feel you have to keep it from me when we've always been honest with each other." Blaine pleaded desperately.
Kurt sighed and walked over to perch on the edge of his bed. "I know. I'm sorry, Blaine I really am, and this hasn't been easy on me either; keeping something from you. I can tell you're worried and I never meant to make you feel like that." Blaine nodded even though Kurt wasn't looking at him and waited patiently for him to continue. "I spoke to Finn earlier." He said quietly. As he watched his boyfriend Blaine noticed he was wringing his hands slightly; he was obviously nervous and Blaine wanted to go over and take the other boy into his arms for comfort but he decided that now probably wasn't the right time and he should let Kurt gather the courage to say what he needed to on his own terms. "Rachel dramas again" Kurt laughed dismissively. "You know Finn, as loveable as he is, he is not exactly a master at romance, and he's a little blind when it comes to how what he says can sometimes be taken the wrong way. I won't go into it but basically he said some stuff that had hurt Rachel's feelings and I was trying to explain to him why it had hurt her. And whilst we were talking it kind of hit me why I'm like this." Kurt shifted his head in Blaine's direction slightly but did not look him in the eye. He just sucked in a breath and finally uttered what had been playing on his mind so much recently. "Blaine... I am terrified of losing you. I've been in love with you for so long and all I've ever wanted was for you to reciprocate those feelings, to love me back."
"I do though Kurt, you know I do."
"But for how long?" Kurt exclaimed, catching Blaine off guard. "Look this year has been crazy. Meeting you, moving schools, leaving my friends, my dad's heart attack, everything that happened with Karofsky...so much has happened and it's made me a bit sceptical of everything. It's like- like when things start to go right they just plummet right back down harder. And it's made it hard to trust things."
"Wait I um- I'm confused are you saying you don't trust me?" Blaine asked, his eyes wide and sad.
"No. Not at all Blaine I trust you more than anyone else in my life, well, my dad being up there with you of course, but I'm saying that I don't trust my track record of 'luck' so to speak."
"Yeah..." Blaine said, understanding coming to him. He stood up hesitantly and made his way over to the other by to settle next to him. "Ok I guess that's more than understandable, but Kurt I know this year has been tough on you but things are changing right? They're getting better! We're together now, you're back at McKinley, your dad's diet is going great; he's getting healthier every day and I know that prom didn't exactly go to plan but I'm so proud of you for how you handled it and you know high school will be over soon..." He offered.
"Yeah Blaine I know. But that's not what I mean. I was thinking about what Finn said about Rachel. How he didn't mean to hurt her feelings, and then I thought about how Rach kind of feels like he's settling for her and that made me think back to us."
Blaine furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?" He asked softly.
Kurt felt those walls starting to assemble again; the ones he had spent years building up to defend himself whenever he had to act strong and push away another homophobic slur. He had spent so long just bottling his pain up inside of him and dealing with things alone. He pushed them down however; he needed to open up to Blaine if he wanted to move past this."I guess...I mean I never really thought about it before but...I kind of feel like your last option Blaine..." Kurt looked down at his lap embarrassed but relieved he had finally said what had been plaguing his mind.
"What? That's crazy Kurt, why would you think that?" Blaine blanched, reaching over to grab Kurt's hand and lace their fingers together.
Kurt just looked down at their intertwined fingers. Feeling a sudden swell of reassurance he continued "This sounds horrible god I um- how do I even say this..." He let out a frustrated groan, shaking his head.
There was a broken silence where Kurt simply rattled his brain, trying to find the right words to say but coming out with nothing as Blaine sat waiting. After a little while Kurt felt the mattress shift and he glanced up slightly to see Blaine standing up and shifting to the head of the bed, tugging on Kurt's fingers until he joined him, tucking himself into the shorter boy's side and playing slightly with the material of his bright preppy boy cardigan.
"I don't know what to tell you Blaine...I don't in any way want you to blame yourself for this, because I know you, you're so kind and noble you'll just take the guilt and that's the last thing I want."
"Ok, what if I promise you I won't do that?" Kurt just shifted his head up to raise an eyebrow at him. "Kurt pleaseee!" Blaine pleaded "Talk to me. Even if I can't help just let me in, let me listen." Kurt settled his head back down on Blaine's chest but didn't speak so Blaine decided to try and start things off. "Kurt, what you told me before...do you really think you're not attractive?" He felt Kurt nod his head slightly from where it was nestled under his chin. "Kurt, how can you possibly think that? Has something happened that I should know about? Has someone done something? Have I done something?"
"No- not exactly..."
"What do you mean 'not exactly'? Kurt if I've done anything at all to make you feel like this then please please tell me so that I can-"
"No Blaine and see what I mean you're blaming yourself!" Kurt sighed again, sitting up but not pulling away. "Look I've...I've never actually been content with the way I look Blaine. Even far before we met I was unhappy with myself. I guess that's partly why I love fashion so much. Don't get me wrong I've been hoarding vogue catalogues since I was three years old simply to witness good styling but really looking back over the years I realise just how much I rely on clothes to get me by. I've always said fashion has no gender, that it's just a way of expressing yourself and who you are. But, it's also a way of hiding yourself. My clothes are like a mask. And the more I think about this the more sense it makes. Like I've told you before I am used to having to scream to get noticed. I use clothes to do that. Dressing well and dressing bold gets me that acknowledgement, even if that attention isn't usually positive. And then there's my...physique. You've heard of accentuating what you've got and what I've got is not much, so jeans and a t shirt aren't exactly going to help me look more like the cement chiselled A&F model type now are they? And I guess I've always felt that if people are staring at my clothes then they're not going to be judging what's underneath, or my face, or my voice or any other grand imperfection."
Kurt looked at his boyfriend quizzically who had his own gaze fixed on the bed spread below them. He looked as if he didn't know what to say, he was just taking everything in trying to make sense of it all. Kurt knew that it was only fair he admit the last part of his confession. Even though it would make Blaine feel worse at this point he still deserved to know the whole truth. "A-and what I meant by 'not exactly' was not intentionally. You've always made me feel special Blaine. Since the day I met you you've given me courage and made me believe in myself more than anyone else has before. But before we got together there were some things that happened that have ended with me, I don't know, doubting you feelings I guess..."
As Kurt trailed off Blaine made no indication of replying or even that he had heard what Kurt had said. Kurt was just about to ask if he was ok when Blaine let out a quiet murmur. "What things?"
"Well...like the whole Jeremiah valentine's day fiasco for example..." Kurt prompted.
Blaine looked up at this with ache in his eyes. "Wait, Jeremiah? Is that still- I mean I knew it had upset you when you told me that week that you had feelings for me but...had it really hurt you that much? He doesn't mean anything to me."
Kurt sucked in his lips, contemplating what to say. "Ok, yes I get that he doesn't mean anything to you now but at the time he obviously did and yeah I'll admit having to sit and watch the guy I was hopelessly in love with sing his undying love to somebody else obviously hurt but that's not the point. The point is you seemed obsessed with him that week, you were talking about him like I do with Gaga!" Blaine opened his mouth obviously wanting to say something but Kurt kept talking. He needed to get this out. "And then, what, not even a couple of weeks after he blew you off you had moved on and suddenly there we were discussing your feelings for Rachel of all people!"
This time Blaine managed to butt in but only for a moment. "Kurt I openly admitted that the kiss with Rachel was a mistake-"
"Yes but Blaine it's not just the kiss. Yes that hurt, it was like Jeremiah all over again. Watching you and someone who was supposed to be my friend make out wasn't exactly enthralling but what hurt the most is that you genially thought you had feelings for her. And even if you were wrong about how you felt towards Jeremiah and Rachel...you still felt you needed to go for a guy that would put you in an illegal relationship and question your entire sexuality before you considered dating me. I just feel well...like your last resort I guess. Don't get me wrong I don't think you're lying per say about how you feel about me it's more that you've convinced yourself to love me."
By the time Kurt had stopped speaking Blaine had once again gone quiet. Kurt couldn't quite decipher his expression. There wasn't anger there, no way, but there was...disappointment? Was that worse? He looked so...so aimless and Kurt felt a brutal stab in his stomach at the thought of making him feel blameworthy and he didn't know what to do to help. He reached out to firmly cup his jaw to try and capture Blaine's attention. "You're such a caring person Blaine, please know that. This is not your fault, it's mine. I just can't stop thinking about how I'm not good enough for you or how you'll end up losing interest in me like you did with them. I'm sorry, Blaine, please don't let my stupid insecurities get to you."
The moments of silence seemed to drag on forever. Blaine's expression didn't change except the small flickering of his eyes as he looked at Kurt almost as if he was looking inside of him, searching for more. After a few seconds Kurt saw a sheen starting to form behind the other boy's lashes and he panicked at the sight of his boyfriend's tears. "Blaine?"
At his name Blaine snapped out of his thought. He stood up from the bed abruptly and blinked back the tears as if they weren't there at all and then without a word he walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He didn't even slam it and Kurt was left sitting there, staring at the wood, just not knowing what to do next.
A/N - Btw, It's my birthday tomorrow! :D I'll finally be 16! So if you guys want to be lovely people and review that would be the best birthday present to me! THANKYOU! 3
