My heart stopped, but it wasn't beating.

I threw myself at Antonio, screaming in frustration as I sunk through him. I grasped for him, grappling with the air.

"Spain! Spain- Antonio damn it- don't you do this to me!" I slapped him, angry tears springing to my eyes as my hand traveled through his face. "Por favore! I didn't mean it! I don't want this!" I sunk to the ground at his feet, slamming my fist against the ground, the only thing I could hit.

"Don't you fucking leave me alone!"

The click echoed throughout the room, louder than thunder. I looked up at him, the sound ringing in my ears.

Nothing happened.

The tears didn't stop though. They stubbornly refused to go away, despite the lack of crisis. "Y-you're such an idiot."

Antonio looked to the gun in his hand in surprise. I should have known. He didn't die this day- I'd seen him after it, but watching him even attempt to kill himself scared the hell out of me. I'd lost the ability to think rationally. I was crying, but I couldn't help myself! I lov-

Antonio let out a breath he had been holding, sounding almost relieved. He stared at the gun in his hand, his fingers turning white from how tightly he was gripping it. He threw it across the room in frustration and it went off, the bullet burying itself in the wall rather than his skull.

I stared at it in shock. He'd been so close. I would have died if he'd gone through with it. If it had worked- if Antonio had died- I wouldn't have known what to do. He wasn't a large part of my life, just an important stupid smile and obliviousness were refreshing- annoying- but refreshing.

They were also fake.

He was a happy person by nature, but he had other emotions. He had problems. He could become angry and throw fits and scream and cry. He could put up with me.

I turned my back on everything, but he still managed to smile at the world.


A week later he was at my door, knocking so hard I thought his hand might fall off. It was a constant drumming, the sound beating against my eardrums. He was trying to annoy me into answering, and he knew it would work.

I snapped the door open with an irritated 'che' and was immediately bombarded with the longest apology of the century. He spoke in such rapid fire Spanish, I couldn't keep up. I knew some, that was inevitable, but I couldn't go head to head with someone from the motherland.

"Will you just slow the fuck down?! Damn, bastard." Did he even breathe?

"Lamento Lovi! I didn't mean it- you know I didn't. You're so very cute and special to me. Por favor don't hate me!" He threw his arms over my shoulders, leaning his dead weight against me.

He was the biggest child in the world.

My face flushed as I was forced to support two hundred pounds of Spaniard. I was still angry and hurt. I'd always been compared to my brother. I wasn't as sweet as him, or as cute, or helpful, or talented. I knew that, but they felt the need to point it out. I'd thought Antonio was different, but in the end, even he prefered Feliciano.

He wanted Feli. He tolerated me.

"God damn it! Fine. Just- get off me." He did and I breathed, rolling my shoulder. "Geez, how much do you weigh?"

"Two hundred and thirty two pounds."

"That was rhetorical."

"Oh."

I frowned. "Are you just going to stand on my patio all fucking day?" He took it as what it was, an invitation. "Gracias Lovi!" He brushed past me and I shut the door behind him, turning to find he had already made himself comfortable on the couch and was staring at me with the most expectant smile on his face. "Che cosa?" He patted the spot next to him and I scowled, walking pointedly to sit in the love seat across from it. I made a show of sitting down, causing him to pout. I crossed my arms stubbornly and turned my attention to the television, leaving him to wallow in rejection.

It didn't last long. Antonio got up and crossed to the love seat, plopping down next to me. I growled and switched over to the couch, he followed. This continued for a while.

"Damn it bastard, quit following me!" I moved to stand but Antonio's hand on my thigh stopped me. I froze, my eyes flickering to it before moving to Antonio's face. It seemed to have gotten closer.

"Por favor Lovino? Just stay with me." I swear his hand moved a quarter of an inch up- almost half an inch. Dios mio.

I blushed at the implications, glancing to his hand again as I settled back into the couch beside him. He didn't move it away. His face broke out into a smile that I hadn't seen in awhile; I missed it.

"Whatever bastard."

"Antonio."

"Che?" I turned my attention to him, blinking in mild confusion.

"Call me Antonio." My blush intensified and for once, I'd agree that I looked like a tomato, but Antonio didn't point it out. His eyes were locked on my face. Human names were personal. They were an identity that marked us as more than just masses of land. I'd never put much thought into when Antonio used mine. He always had. I couldn't see why he would want me to call him by his name. I didn't think it mattered.

"Fine, Antonio. Happy bastard?"

"Ecstatic!" He fucking chirped, throwing himself at me. I pushed him away in annoyance. "Just go make me some damn food. I'm fucking starving." I mumbled the order, shoving at his face that was getting much too close for comfort.

He happily complied, going into the kitchen to do my 'bidding'. At least he wasn't a total waste of time. He returned five minutes later with- shocking- a sandwich. There were at least five slices of tomato on it, but I wasn't complaining- for once.

He'd clearly had trouble opening the ketchup bottle, considering there was a glob of it on his forehead. I snorted, holding back a laugh. Antonio's eyes lit up. Oh no.

"Lindo! ~" He cried, tossing the sandwich before throwing himself at me. I was caught off guard as he bowled into me, pushing me back onto the couch. He fucking cuddled me. "Lovi you're so cute! ~" He rubbed his cheek against mine affectionately and I scowled, shoving at his face as mine lit up. In the confusion and tangle of flailing limbs, something pressed to my lips. Something warm, soft, and moving.

It took me half a minute to realize it was Antonio's mouth. We locked eyes and I shoved him back harshly, sputtering.

"Siento Lovi! It was an accident!" He waved his hands in front of himself defensively, blushing himself.

I stuttered an 'it's fine' and that was it. Then, I realized something. "Did you fucking throw a sandwich onto my cream carpet?!" He blinked.

"No?"

"Antonio you bastard- you had better fucking clean that up before it fucking stains! Dio! I'll kick your ass!" He just smiled.

He'd meant to do it.

Watching from across the room, his actions seemed intentional. He'd moved his head out of the way just in time to dodge a flailing hand and then pressed his lips to mine, a look of conviction in his eyes.

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo had kissed me.

What had I done?


I love hearing from readers so regularly! ;7; No, I don't have it all written out, but I do have a general idea of how I want it to play out. It's just a matter of what each chapter should reveal and putting them into words. XD I don't like this chapter, but I never like them so... Understandable.